Chapter Text
HUNGRY GHOSTS
⸻ あなたを愛する漠然とした理由
( 2006 )
Minami Karina thinks the entire world of Nanami Kento, he is her Roman Empire as they say. Were he to fall, so too shall she. Like its holy emperor, he found her as a city of clay and turned her into marble. He came into her life and conquered her heart, claimed it for his own within the coliseum of her chest. Amor vincit omnia. Virgil wrote it true and so she surrenders herself to this love. She chooses him, now and forever, and sees her entire life reflected in his eyes. The absurdity of her need for him is too strong for any other word or sentiment. Even if there is, she refuses to believe otherwise.
And how could she not fall in love with him in the first place? That face carved in the likeness of Eros himself, those eyes the colour of ichor and ambrosia, and his voice of liquid gold dripping with the musk of masculinity. Her soul plays a concerto to his name, she searches the crowds and empty spaces for his face. The melancholia that he displaces with his mere presence alone, the way he looks at her as if to say, I found you too. As if the ocean currents had borne him to her, as if the stars inclined her path to his.
Vivamus, moriendum est. Let us live, since we must die. And any day could be their last.
In the August of two thousand and six, Karina finds herself walking through the arrival hall of Naha Airport on Okinawa. Summer still clings to the azure skies and the island is swept in fields of blooming flowers. Excitement bubbles through her veins despite the assignment that they are on. Kento has to remind her that they are here for business and not pleasure, but it does nothing to dampen her or Yu's enthusiasm. The expansive sea calls to her with its frothing waves and scintillating blue waters. She wants to smooth the frowns across his brows and chase away the gloom from his eyes.
"What if a typhoon comes and the airport shuts down? What then?" he questions with sullen contemplation.
She laughs in the face of his pessimism. "Won't that be great? We'll get a break and spend more time together."
"Don't we already spend all our time together?" he mutters unconvinced as he looks at her. Despite knowing that he means to include Yu too, she can't help glancing at him and feeling her heart tremble in her chest.
Sixteen is such a strange age; she feels everything so much for the first time and it smothers her. There have been boys that have come and gone in her past, sweet puppy love that is as fleeting as the spring blossoms filled with childish banter and careless farewells. She knows each string that pulls at her heart when a boy takes her hand or confesses his feelings for her. The familiar emotions that are endearing and transitory, brief memories that pass by like an exhale.
But Kento, he unravels her in every way that is possible until there is no other thread but the one that she had cast out to him. She stands on a moor waiting for the tug of his affections and it is enduring.
"Minami, Nanami!" Yu calls to them as he looks up from his phone. "They said they're staying another day. I wonder what happened?"
Kento is browsing a row of surfboards and he scowls in irritation when he hears the news. Karina silently rejoices as she turns to Yu. "Really? That's concerning. In any case, let's go look for them," she suggests with thinly veiled glee. Kento follows her with an exasperated sigh and she finds it endearing.
They make their way out of the airport and Karina breathes the salt-stained air of the sea. The sunlight warms her skin and she basks in the glory of its warmth. She doesn't remember the last time she'd visited the beach but it's as serene as she remembers it to be. The lull of the waves envelops her in its tranquillity and she finds delight when her feet kick up the sand underneath her shoes. She turns to Kento and Yu, taking the opportunity to snap a few pictures of them on her phone so that she can preserve the memories for the future.
A voice calls out to them in the distance and they can hear laughter permeating through the air. "My cute little juniors!" Sayuri waves to them. "Over here!"
Envy is a form of admiration too and she thinks Sayuri is a goddess incarnate. The older girl has traded her school uniform for a white bikini and matching sarong that flaunts her slender waist. Her flowing midnight hair is caught in the sea breeze, her flushed cheeks glow radiant from the heat of the sun and she is breathtakingly ethereal. Even in the presence of Satoru's godhood, her divine beauty is not diminished. They are meant for one another, they are the type of lovers that poets write sonnets and sing ballads of. She envies them, as a mortal would envy gods of their immortality.
Her eyes stray to Kento and she finds comfort in his indifference. His face shows no hint of a blush or dilated pupils ( unlike Yu who often admires Sayuri as if she's a national idol ). The enormity of her relief disgusts her as she recognises the ugliness of her own insecurities. She wonders what Kento even thinks of her. She realises that she doesn't actually know.
Suguru introduces them to a young girl who is now drenched after having slipped into the ocean waves along with her guardian. Amanai Riko still bears the innocence of a middle schooler in the spring of her youth and Karina ultimately understands why they've decided to stay another day on the island despite the bounty on the girl's head. The reason is written as plain as day on their seniors' faces and it is filled with unrestrained compassion.
Satoru instructs them to get changed ( despite them not bringing any change of clothes ) so that they can go kayaking in the afternoon. Kento makes short protests but eventually gives in nonetheless after some persuasion from Sayuri as she casually waves Satoru's black card between her fingers.
Karina lies on a beach blanket watching the boys play volleyball on the sand with Kuroi acting as their scorekeeper. She tries not to stare behind her sunglasses at a particular blonde that has captured her heart, feeling desire pool in her belly at the sight of his toned chest, and crossing her legs tightly in an attempt to banish the lewd thoughts from her mind. ( It doesn't work )
Sayuri lounges beside her with a lollipop in her mouth and her carmine eyes are shielded by a pair of Versace sunglasses. Despite their one-year age gap, she exudes an effortless aura of mature elegance and sophistication in every facet of her being. Karina wonders how someone could be born so perfect. Satoru is so lucky to have her as a lover.
"What does love even feel like?" Riko questions out of the blue. Sayuri glances at the girl with raised brows and a sly quirk on her lips. Riko is so young that she has not even experienced the best parts of life, yet she sadly nears the end of it. Karina can't help but pity her.
"Love feels like an eternal summer," Sayuri answers wistfully.
"Heh?" Riko responds with disbelief. "That doesn't sound exciting at all."
"Close your eyes," Sayuri tells her with a chuckle. She waits patiently for the girl to do so and takes her hand to trace slow, lazy circles on her palm. Sayuri's voice is low and tender as she says, "Feel the breeze through your hair, taste the salt on your lips and listen to the waves break against the shore. Hear it whisper in your ears and trace the warm sunlight along your arms. Let it seep into your skin, into every nerve and atom of your being. Can you hear your own heart beating in your chest and the breath in your lungs? That's what a lover feels like."
Riko opens her eyes and giggles. "Just like lying down on the beach?"
"It's exactly like that." Sayuri laughs along with her.
Karina is taken aback by her sensual descriptions as if she's accidentally overheard a personal disclosure. She feels like she's just taken a glimpse into Sayuri's soul and feels the intimacy she shares with the blue-eyed boy wonder. As if their love is something as natural as breathing, that their souls are so intertwined that she doesn't know where she ends and he begins. That even if they're apart, they will always be together. There is no questioning the devotion they have for one another, no second guessing the veracity of their ardour.
Her love for Kento suddenly feels inadequate by comparison. "Is that what it's supposed to feel like?" she wonders aloud.
Sayuri turns her astute gaze to her and a teasing grin spreads across her face. "Minami," she starts. "Do you like someone? Let me guess, of course it's Nanami, isn't it?"
Karina gasps and her eyes widen. "Is it that obvious?" she asks.
"It's obvious," Sayuri confirms. "As obvious as the fact that he likes you too. The both of you make a cute couple, I'm happy for you. Enjoy your eternal summer."
Her blessing somehow gives Karina hope and allows her feelings to bloom. The ache she feels to be close to him, the need she has to know his innermost thoughts, the yearning she has for him to look at her. She wants to be held in his arms and taste his lips once more, to unravel the enigmatic complexities of his brilliant mind. Karina has never felt so anxious before in her entire life, to the point that her nerves rattle and her fingers shake. She desperately wants to call it love. She wants it to be for him.
Karina stands outside the lobby entrance with a cigarette between her scarlet lips as she takes a drag before exhaling a plume of smoke into the air. The glass doors open behind her and she feels a blast of cold air against her skin from the air conditioning. Arms wrap around her slight frame from behind, her body enveloped in a familiar warmth that causes her skin to tingle as a hand reaches into the pocket of her denim shorts for the pack of cigarettes. Her heart stutters in her chest and her breath catches in her throat.
As quickly as it happens, Kento steps away and lights a cigarette beside her. He slips the pack into his pocket and turns to look at her with captivating hazel eyes that are dark with a carnal hunger that he reserves only for her. He reaches out and caresses his fingers across her cheek, brushing her dark hair away from her face. She almost shivers in ecstasy before his penetrating gaze. Sometimes, he does things that are so unexpected with such casual indifference that it leaves her reeling from astonishment and an addictive high that only he can give her.
"Karina," he calls and his voice is husky, he speaks her name as if it is something sacred, as if she were a pagan deity and he is offering himself to her for ritual slaughter. "Let's go for a walk."
She agrees and he takes her hand, his fingers intertwining between hers as they walk down the path from the hotel. His displays of affection are often quiet and delicate, but they are there. She watches him meticulously so that none of it escapes her notice. Whenever he pulls a chair out for her to sit, his dependable hand on the small of her back as he lets her walk ahead, the warmth of his scarf as he wraps it around her neck in the middle of winter, are all small gestures of devotion that speak directly to her heart. She hears them loudly within the intervals that hang between them as his eyes tell her all that she needs to know.
Kento is a master in the art of silent language. The unspoken words that linger from his touch or glance, provides her lasting assurance and leave her breathless with her heart fluttering in her chest. She is fluent in it, she has memorised the meaning of every consonant and inflexion that he conveys to her. It is a vocabulary of fervent longing, whispered devotion and insatiable passion. In the silence, she feels her love for him resonate through the array of stars above and it is blinding.
They reach the beach and the waves whisper in her ears as they break gently across the shoreline. Taking off their shoes, they walk along the pristine sands leaving a trail of lovers' footprints in their wake. The glassy waters churn with seafoam under the inky sky, only the stars and the full moon illuminate their path away from the streetlights on the boardwalk. Karina clings to Kento's arm with her head leaning against his shoulder. The night murmurs with the serenity found in the solace of one another's arms.
After finding an empty stretch away from prying eyes, they sit on the shore beside each other to admire the view and spend some time alone. Karina is relieved that the day has passed without any commotion and spending time with Sayuri has opened her eyes to the depth of her feelings for Kento.
She turns to him, drawing herself close between his legs so that she can lean her forehead against his. "Let me try something," she murmurs.
"What are you trying to do?" he asks her curiously but she hushes him gently.
Karina closes her eyes and listens. She hears the chorus of the neverending tides of the sea, the beats of her heart within her chest and her breaths intermingled with his. The taste of salt on the ocean breeze, how it feels cold on her exposed back but his body offers her warmth. She traces the length of his arms to his face, feeling his smooth skin beneath her fingers. The moonlight spills across their bodies, drunk by their lips and reflected in their eyes as she opens them to meet his. His pale hair catches the silver light and glows, he watches her with unberable fondness and restraint.
At the back of her mind, she hears once again the intimate illustrations of an empyrean girl who holds infinity within the folds of her heart and Karina understands. Even mortals can achieve the grace of gods and her hands greedily grasps its golden thread.
She smiles and leans into him, delicately touching her lips to his with longing. And he kisses her softly as his arms wrap around her slim waist, pulling her into his embrace. Karina opens her mouth and bears her heart to him as the waves of Okinawa continue to break against the sandy shore. The feelings held within her chest pour out into the night as an unspoken promise she makes for him. She loves him, for whatever vague reason that she cares not to explain but is as undeniable as the stars that shimmer across the vacant seas. She loves him, as much as the waters ever seek the coasts of the land. She loves him with every inch of her soul and it is divine.
"Did you find what you were looking for?" he asks her quietly between their kisses.
"It's always been in front of me," she answers. "I didn't have to look very hard."
He looks at her as if he can see through her mind, as if he knows her better than she does herself. She feels bare and exposed under his gaze but she doesn't mind if it's him. Only for him. Kento brushes the hair back from her face, his hand caressing her cheek as if she's made of porcelain. In his eyes, she sees her entire future laid out before her.
"Karina," he says. "I love you."
Her breath shakes and her heart rejoices as her eyes glimmer with a smile that she could not possibly mask. She reaches for his hand, holding him so close that she never wants to let him go. "I love you too, Kento," she says and it feels like bliss to finally say it out loud. That she can affirm it to be true, to draw a constellation to enshrine her adoration for him and place it in the celestial heavens above.
He smiles back and there is nothing else in the world that she could possibly want more than this moment with him. "You're the first," he tells her as he kisses her face, "and the last."
He speaks with such certainty that she believes it to be true. Kento never says what he does not mean and does not hold himself back from telling her the truth. Her heart shivers as she presses her lips against his with fervour. She does not shy away from showing him the sincerity of her love and the feverish ache she holds for him. It is ardent and violent, her fingers clutch his shirt tightly as she devours him. He pushes her back against the sands and she feels his desire within their intertwined hands, within his lips that trail across her neck.
Silence is the language of their love, that fills the spaces between their heated breaths with rapture and reverence for one another. She feels it in the moonlight that seeps through his hair, in the song of the seas and the breeze against her skin. It lingers on every inch of her body touched by his lips, by his fingertips that conjure elliptical galaxies in her eyes. She feels him within the very fabric of her soul and corridors of her heart. She feels so much of his love that she drowns gladly in it.
Nunc scio quid sit amor. Now she knows what love is. And she loves him with every breath that she takes.
