Chapter Text
“Dick! Dick, wake up, please wake up Dick!” A calloused hand slapped his check, the panic evident in the tone. Dick blinked, an ache around his neck, as well on his face. He opened his eyes, vision blurry but able to make out a man kneeling over him, a white streak of wavy hair falling over his eyes.
Dick could hear somebody crying in the background. “Shut up, you bitch!” The man shouted and it worked.
He smiled up at him.
“Jay?”
Jason immediately looked relief, letting out a sigh. “Goldie. C’mon, lets get out of here, okay?”
Dick’s eyes narrowed as he attempted to shake his head. He was leaned up against the wall, sitting with his legs out infront of him. “What?”
“Dickie, she strangled you. We have to go.” Dick turned his head to see the woman he once loved staring at them from the kitchen. She was in her own personal heap, eyes blackened by bruises- bruises in the shape of his brothers fist.
Dicks eyes watered.
He always had known his family loved him, of course, but seeing the extents they would go to see him happy and safe? It was the first proof he had gotten in years. It was one of the main motives for him staying with Catalina for so long: the idea of not being loved anymore much more horrifying then being stuck with an abusive partner.
Dick looked towards his brother, nodding a silent agreement with the plan.
“Alright. Alright, man, let me help you, okay? We can talk in the car.” Jason put an arm around Dick’s shoulders, helping steady him to his feet. That arm stayed there, letting Dick lean the majority of his body weight onto the younger man. He turned his head as they walked out the front door, able to see a glimpse of Catalina as she tried to get herself off the floor.
He turned back, a twisted part of him happy to see her there. On the elevator, he cant help but be silent as he thinks about that. He knows why: a spot shes put him in countless times before, without anybody to help him. It felt good, satisfying even, to see her in the same levels of despair he has.
As he walked out that apartment building, shame hes been carrying with him for years is almost lifted off his shoulders. Although recovery wont be linear, Dick is starting to realize that whats been happening between him and Catalina? It wasn’t his fault.
They get in the car, Jason slamming his door shut before turning the car on. They drive in silence for a bit before he starts to speak.
“That was really stupid, Dick.”
Dick moved to look out the window, not wanting to face his brother. He knew he would get home and have to explain to all of them… but he didn’t want to. Not right not, at least. “I get it.”
“Do you, though? Because you came here after a few choice words from Gordon, thinking what? That this is what you deserve?”
Dick shook his head. “No,” He whispered, words Jay could just barely hear.
“Speak up.” Jason’s knuckles were turning white from how tightly he gripped the stirring wheel. The sign welcoming Dick back into Gotham came into focus- quietly, to himself, he wondered if he would ever return to Blud.
“No, I know I dont deserve that.”
Jason looked over before quickly turning back to the road. He seemed confused, not able to think of any other reason. Dick took this as a chance to continue.
“I wanted.. I was protecting you.”
Jason stared forward, the carride silent after. Gravel crunched under the car’s tires as they eventually reached the manor, Jason waiting for Dick to get out and follow him. They walked inside, reaching a living room.
Dick sat down on the couch, not making much of a fuss. B sat across from him in an armchair, Tim sitting to his left. Jason must have texted them at some point that he was bringing Dick home.
“Dick,” his father started, his voice cracking on the last letter. Dick felt a part of his calm resolve breaking, the nine year old in him wanting to reach out for Bruce’s comfort. Bruce got up from his seat and took the one right next to Dick, an arm inching out and around his shoulders. Dick couldn’t help the tears as they flowed, however silent it was.
The couch was lighter when Tim moved to Bruce’s old seat.
Dick heard a shuffle up the stairs, and smiled slightly. Damian was listening in, of course, and normally he would be mad… but he felt happy to be home, happy to have a weight lifted off his shoulders as of current. He no longer had to be tied down to Catalina, he knew that. The baby wasn’t even real.
“Dick, why did you go?” Tim asks, his voice quieter than Dick would have ever expected. He stared at his brother, looking smaller than his seventeen years. His mind was in a jumble, making him take a minute before responding.
“I was protecting you.” Jason huffed, obviously not happy with the answer.
“Thats the same bullshit you said in the car. How the hell did that protect us?”
Dick rubbed his eyes, wiping away the wetness. He didn’t normally behave like this; being able to melt into a puddle of tears. “Its hard to explain.”
“Take your time, Dick.” Bruce said, the rumble of his voice echoing through Dick’s ears.
“She was going to reveal our identities if I left. She has connections to do so. And.. It, it wasn’t your mess to deal with anyways. I was just cleaning after myself, you know?”
The silence in that room was dawning.
“Dick, if it came between you, my son, being safe or this city? I’d chose you everytime.” Bruce told him, his face fallen at the thought of his son prioritizing damn Batman.
“You.. the city needs Batman, B. I couldn’t let her take it away.”
“But I need you, Dick. How could you let her take you away?”
Dicks facade completely crumbled. He felt himself unravelling at the seams as he pulled his legs up to himself, sobs wrenching out of his throat. Bruce rushed to put his arms around the man.
Dick couldn’t help it as he sobbed. The words he needed to hear so desperately were finally his, his to hold and to believe in. His father figure sat there, murmuring in his ear that ‘its okay, hes going to make it okay’.
Dick believed in him. Dick believed in Bruce.
He managed to collect himself eventually, exhausted. He leaned into the older man, feeling raw from all the emotions hes finally allowing himself to feel after years of secrets.
Bruce motioned for him to speak, wanting to hear more. Dick had more to say, and he knew if he never told them now he might not tell anybody.
Well, they’re probably forcing him into therapy, so other than whomever gets that job.
“I also.. I felt so ashamed.” He couldn’t meet any of their eyes.
“I’m Nightwing. I never thought I’d fall victim to something like that.”
“Dick.. you know you dont have to hold yourself to such high standards. Its okay to feel things, to break down sometimes. We’re your family: we’re supposed to be able to hold you up when its needed.” Tim says, and Dick cant help but be quiet for a moment, thinking over his next words carefully.
“Okay. I want to get better.” He whispers. It was half to his brothers- to let them know what he wanted- but also a promise to himself. A promise that he would never doubt his self worth like that again, never make himself go through something so mentally damaging for no good reason.
With that, the conversation was carried- and while it revolved around Dick for awhile, eventually the whole family was opening up.
Even Damian, who’d walked in after awhile, complaining about sore knees.
Dick’s heart felt full, and he thought, yes.
This is where he was meant to be.
Catalina may have been his start, but she didn’t have to be his end.
—
A few days after, Tim had came down the stairs and into the kitchen. Dick was sitting their alone, quietly eating some hashbrowns Alfred had made before going off to clean or whatever.
Tim sat next to his brother, stealing a few potatoes of his plate. “Hey! Thats mine, Tim!”
Tim rolled his eyes, not caring one bit. Ever since that night in the living room, things had felt… a little uneasy. He’d refused to tell them anything more, wanting to be completely done with Cat. He didn’t want to think about it ever again.
“Sleep well?” Tim asked him, not at all subtle.
Dick couldn’t help but groan. “You guys dont need to keep checking up on me, you know. I’m fine.”
“Yeah, sure. Its just.. I wish you would talk to us.”
“I talked to Bruce.” Dick pointed out, a point Tim had to give him.
“Okay, sure, but dont you want to work through your.. Issues?”
“I dont need to Tim, I’m fine.” He empathized his last word, needing to get his point across. And, sure, he did get anxiety attacks at the mere thought of somebody touching him, and he could hardly sleep.. But that was perfectly normal.
Right?
“You’re one to talk anyways. You barely talk to anybody about whats bothering you.”
Tim shrugged and then his face lit up. “You know what, if I went to therapy, would you consider it for yourself?”
Dick looked at his brother for a moment and nodded, an action he immediately regretted- and still did.
A few weeks later, and Dick was in a therapy office.
It was his first therapy session of many, with a man named ‘Gregory Dempsey’. He seemed kind enough when they spoke over the phone, understanding when he’d had to cancel the first one. He was also vetted by the justice league, meaning Dick could talk to him freely.
“Richard Grayson?” A man came out, scanning the waiting room. Other than Dick, there was a teen and an older man with scruffy hair.
“Dick, yes, thats me.” A snort from the teen made Dick roll his eyes as he entered the room.
“I’m sure you get that a lot. Well, thank you for coming here, Dick. Its only the first step you need to take to fully recovering. Could you perhaps tell me why you came to therapy?”
The man was quiet, and patient. He listened to Dick and didn’t make him feel bad.
—-
One of the first things Dick does with his newfound freedom is reconciling with his old friends.
About a year ago now, Wally had texted him one time- saying he saw Cat acting strangely, and wondering if his friend was okay.
Cat saw the message and that was the end of it.
Today though, he sat staring at his phone, hopeful for a response. He wanted to be his old self again, the eighteen year old who hadn’t yet realized his dreams may not come true.
Dick Grayson: Hey, Wally. Want to catch up?
Wally West: Sure! Where & when?
Dick Grayson: Today, the park near the manor, 12pm.
Wally West: Okay. Everything alright?
Dick Grayson: Yeah, of course.
Dick waved at his friend as he walked over, a red jacket complimenting his hair. Wally sat next to him on the bench, holding a ball in his hands.
“I uh, stole it from a kid on my way over here. Long as he doesnt come find me I think we should be okay.”
Dick smiles. It feels strange to next to Wally right now: they havent talked to one another in quite some time. “So why did you want to see me?”
“I just wanted to tell you.. I left Cat.”
Wally perks up an eyebrow. “Huh.”
“You dont seem surprised?”
“No, I guess not. I mean.. I hoped it would happen someday.”
Dick cant help but confront the feelings bubbling up in his gut. “Why didnt you try and do anything about it?”
“Look, Dick, I could tell that anything I did wouldnt do any good, okay? But, yes, I realized after that night before you cut me off. I heard you guys arguing and I just knew something was wrong.”
“Okay.” Dick looked away, staring off in the distance at this couple. The guys talking about something and his face is completely lit up, the girl trailing behind, holding onto his hand. He cant help but wonder about what happens when nobodys watching even though they seem perfectly happy.
“I was always going to be there for you if you needed it. But the fact that it wasnt welcome meant I could have put you in unimaginable danger. I dont know what your relationship was like but I imagined the worst.”
Dick takes in a breath, and pauses to think about that. “Thanks.”
Wally looks at him, tightening his grip on the ball, obviously surprised. “What?”
“For noticing, I guess. Nobody else realized the facade she put up. Its nice to know that if I needed it, you would have believed me no matter what.”
“Yeah.”
“Do you want to try being friends again?”
“What else am I here for?” Wally pokes him in the ribs. “We’re Kid Flash and Robin. We cant not be friends. Now cmon, lets go play ball or something. I’m done with these emotions.”
Dick cant help but laugh.
—
Dick senses somebody in his room.
He blinks, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. Nothing seems to alarming- so maybe its okay?
But then he hears the heavy breathing, the rustle of fabric. He sits up abruptly. Instantly, the heavy footsteps connect with the man he knows to be Bruce Wayne walks forward.
“Dick, shh, im sorry. I didnt mean to wake you.”
Dick settles back into his pillow and rubs some of the sleep away from his eyes.
“What’re you doing awake?” B comes over and sits on the edge of the bed.
“When you came to the manor for the first time, I’d do this. Watch you sleep.”
Dick gave him a funny look. “Ok, creep.”
“No not like that.. I just, I couldn’t believe I was a father. Or, guardian. You were this little kid who flew into my life, filled with grief but still had time to make me laugh every once in awhile.”
Dick wasnt sure where B was going with this.
“I never thought you would become such a large part of my life, chum. But I’m really glad that you did, you know that? You’re the best thing to ever happen to me and I need you to know that.”
“Dont get sappy on me. Its too late for this.”
“Im serious Dick.”
Dick looks at his face. Despite personal beliefs, there may be more than just one individual in this Earth capable of feeling affection for him.
—-
Gregory tells Dick that he doesnt have to put his life on pause any longer.
So thats what leads him to sitting on the kitchen counter at 11:43pm, typing up his application to police training.
Jason stayed the night, having sprained his ankle on patrol and Bruce went crazy when he tried to leave. It was easier to just give in to the man when he got protective. “Hey.”
Jason started to brew a cup of coffee. Dick groaned. He wasn’t good at selling himself like this: he was much better at charming people in person.
“What are you doing?” Jason peers over to his screen, leaning against the counter.
“I’m applying to the police academy.” Jasons hand clapped down onto his shoulder.
“Alright! Thats great!”
“You think so?”
“I remember when being a detective was all you talked about. I always found it weird when I had came back and all of a sudden you were a gymnastics teacher.”
Dick shrugged.
“And nothing wrong with that, I know you’re good at it and all.. You just never seemed to have as much of a passion for it.”
“I know. I had different things to focus on, but, I just want to finally succeed in this.. Do something just for me.”
“I get that. Why dont you send it in yet though?”
“I dont know how to sell myself.”
Jason shifts the keyboard to himself. “Let me try.” He types away and before Dick can even look it over, he sends it in.
“Hey!”
“Relax. It’ll be fine!”
Dick just rolled his eyes at the time but now hes standing right infront of the place. He did everything he was told to do the entire time, and hey, if he did a little bit of backtalk thats his business.
Hes going to become a detective though in no time.
—-
Dick decides, with Gregory’s help, that he wants to explain to Barbara.
He doesn’t want to leave words unsaid and he doesn’t want to carry the whole blame for the way their relationship ended anymore.
He sat in an IHOP, the only one in Gotham. He’d already ordered a coffee and it warmed his sweaty hands. Barbara came in, red hair covering her side profile before she noticed him. She slid into the booth across from Dick, quick to call the waitress over and to place an order.
Once the waitress left, Babs smiled over at Dick.
“How’ve you been?”
“I’ve been good, thanks. I uh, I broke up with Cat.” Her eyes widened, knowing herself how close and happy the couple seems.
“Really? Huh.”
“Yeah.. how have you been?”
“I’ve been okay. Moved out of my dads house, so thats nice.” He nods, stomach of butterflies. She thanked the waitress when she set down to plates of eggs and bacon.
“You wanted to see me?” He nodded, fiddling with his napkin. He didn’t know how he was going to get the next few words out.
“Yeah, I wanted to talk about something.”
Barbara put her fork down, invested in his next words. She motioned for him to continue. “I didnt cheat on you.” He blurted out, despite the numerous times hes practiced this conversation, he starts it in the worst way possible. This was something he had been working on, something he’d been trying to come to terms with. Speaking his truth no matter who it hurt.
Greg emphasized that: Dick prioritizing Dick.
Barbara looked furious. “What do you mean, you didnt cheat on me? I think kissing another woman when your dating me is cheating.”
“It wasn’t like that Barbara.”
“Look I didnt come here so you can, I dont know, convince yourself that you’re a good man.” Barbara is grabbing her things, ready to get up. “My father was right. I shouldn’t have came.”
“She raped me.” He whispers, the words sharp and hard to get out. He practically chokes on them, and she immediately notices his change in demanor.
Despite his brothers and father saying the words, and being told what it was- he had been yet to say it himself and to face it. He didn’t want to be a victim, so obviously he tried to make it not real by not saying it.
It didnt make a lot of sense.
“What? Speak up, Dick. Im not wasting my time.” Barbara faltered though, as if she had partially heard what he said.
“She raped me.” He says it, louder, loud enough that a couple a table over could hear.
Immediately, Barbara sunk back into her seats and it was like he had hollowed out her guts- atleast, thats what she looked like.
“Dick..” She immediately reached over to hold his hand, but he yanked it back.
“Please dont touch me.”
She nods. “Of course. Of course. But… Dick, what do you mean? You were dating. How could..”
He rubs his face, pushing his plate of food away. He’d lost his appetite anyhow.
“I dont know. She was there. I needed somebody to love me; I’d just lost you, my apartment, my city… it felt like I had nobody, and here was this person trying to prove to me how much she loved me. Sure, she did it in ways I hated, but..”
“Why’d you stay?” That was a question he had been asking himself constantly. Why did he stay in an abusive relationship? He knew the signs. He wasnt an idiot.
But still. Dick had allowed himself to be abused.
He said that to Greg once and he had paused, thinking over what to say. So even though the man denied it, he instantly knew the truth.
“It was too hard, I guess. She became apart of my family. It wouldve been hard to get rid of her.”
“Im sorry. That was the wrong thing to ask, Dick, I didnt… Its not your fault. You know that right?”
“I do.”
“Do you, though?” The question rings in his head, but she moves on anyways.
“I know we could never go back to how it was, and Im not asking you to. But, Im sorry, okay? And I really want to try and be apart of your life, as a friend.”
“I’d like that.”
The conversation stilled, awkward for a moment, before Barbara led the conversation.
It felt just like old times.
—-
Dick felt really gross lately.
He didnt know how to describe it, but he just felt down. Greg had described it as ‘depression’. He had decided to self remedy with a day in bed. His siblings werent home so he knew he would have the time to rot on his own.
The memories of Cat sometimes got to him, but so did other things.
He felt like such a failure constantly.
Bzzz. Bzzz. The way his friendships he cared for in his teen years collapsed. He stopped putting the work in and of course nobody wanted to stick around for him.
Bzzz. Bzzz. Staring at a blank wall infront of him felt eerily familiar- instead, he turned himself to be sitting half upright. He stared at the door.
Bzzz. Bzzz. Dick wished somebody would come by and see if he was okay.
Lately, he’d hated all the coddling, but now he wished for it. Isnt it funny how that works? This mellowing may not be healthy, but in a way it felt comforting. Being warm in his bed was a good substitute for a hug.
“Dick?” A voice called out. Tim stuck his head around the corner. His face brightened when he saw Dick.
“Move out of the way, dingbat.” Jason says carrying a box of donuts. Damian walks in after, looking sleepy and sipping a cup of coffee. He held a tray in his right with one black, an iced, and a monster for Tim who hates coffee.
Jason makes himself comfortable on that purple chair, and it takes Dick a moment to come back to the present after thinking of that day. His mind still feels foggy, but that fog is already lifting. Tim sits down at the foot of his bed, Damian wiggling his way up next to Dick.
“Thanks.” He accepts the coffee, taking a sip before placing it onto the nightstand. Without a coaster, he may add. He would deal with Alfreds wrath about ‘wrecking the furniture’ later. Damian manages to get himself under Dick’s shoulder.
“Okay. A old fashioned for that weirdo,” Jay says, setting the box on the desk. He hands the old fashioned to Damian, who slightly smiles as he takes it.
“Vanilla for me, strawberry for Tim…” Dick’s eyes search for his favourite. He knows his family would have gotten it.
“Chocolate glazed with rainbow sprinkles and chocolate drizzle made specially for Dick despite how disgustingly sweet it is,” Jason says and hands it to him. Dicks eyes are round as saucers as he looks at it and takes a bite.
“Ew.” Damian says as the chocolate drips onto the covers. Dick shrugs.
“Alfred will clean it. By the way, what are you guys doing here?”
“What cant hang out with our older brother?” Tim asks, looking for a remote. Dick’s bedroom had recently gotten a new flatscreen TV- something Bruce had gotten him shortly after that late night. Dick guesses the man is feeling some sort of guilt over something.
“Yeah but you dont usually. C’mon.”
“Okay, you didnt pick up our calls. I wanted to make sure everything was okay.” Jason says.
What? “What calls? I didnt hear the phone ring…” Dick says absentmindedly, picking up his cell phone. It had 4 missed called.
Strange.
“Well…” The three brothers look to each other, obviously wanting to say something but choosing to ignore it.
Tim starts to shift through Netflix, looking for something to watch. Dick quietly enjoys his donut but watches his siblings and lets their laughter and happy chatter wash over him for a minute. He could definitely get used to this.
The absence of her is something he could get used to.