Chapter Text
The air around us seemed to still, not a single noise heard except the gentle hum of the AC. I had said it… I didn't plan to, but her acting like… well herself. It seemed to have just spilled out of me. I knew it was private and it was meant to be kept that way, especially with how she had acted and came up with another excuse, just so I wouldn’t pry. That one was new in our relationship.
We always shared everything with each other. The good, the bad, The embarrassing. We’ve literally shared a toothbrush on multiple occasions, and most often by accident. We never kept anything from each other and talking about what bothered us was always our thing. Logically I knew this was going to have to be one of the exceptions, and I really wasn’t planning to tell her.
’Good going, Becky, you just royally fucked up’ I thought in my head as Freen stood there in stunned shock, her body completely tense and her hand squeezing the door knob. It seemed like she was preparing to run. I didn’t like that… Freen has never had to run when it came to me, and the same goes for me, but at this moment I seemed to have opened a conversation both of us were wholly unprepared for.
”I’m sorry” I said quietly as I finally found my voice. I didn’t know what else to say at that moment. She jumped at the sudden sound, looked at me and seemed to analyze what I had said. And for a moment it felt like I could actually see her heart breaking. She looked away and faced the door and I heard the knob turn. I quickly scrambled to my knees on the bed.
”P’Freen, wait!” I almost shouted and she stopped, but did not look back at me. I took that as a signal to continue.
”I didn’t mean… I wasn’t trying to…” I stammered unsure how to say exactly what I wanted and brushed my hairs back in frustration.
”I shouldn’t have looked.” I finally let out a breath and sat up fully. The silence was deafening. I always liked the silence it was calming to me. The times I would just lay in bed in it, and just exist, but this… I hated this silence, it felt as if my entire being was being pulled apart into the void.
”It was a private thing that you wanted to keep, and I am really sorry for looking at it.” I finished and again that damn silence followed. It almost made me want to scream just to fill it and make it disappear, but Freen filled it instead.
”How much…” She started and took in a deep breath to steady herself as she continued.
”How much did you see, Bec?” She finished asking me. I wished she would look at me. As much as I hated the silence in this moment I hated that she felt scared to even look at me; more. I fidgeted in the bed unsure whether to be truthful or maybe protect what little out I could have at the moment. I sighed.
”When I got to your room, I really was calling out for you but you looked busy with something. You were so focused that I couldn’t help but be curious what you were typing. I had thought you were putting in more work for your book so when I got to you… I sneaked a peek.” I started to explain. She had shown me some of her writing works before, asking for feedback and the like. So she knew I was telling the truth.
”Then I saw it looked more like a story rather than a poem and I read along as you wrote… but then I saw…” I stuttered. This was my final moment to get out of this situation. If I lie I could preserve what we have, but if I didn’t… it could possibly open a door to something unknown, and terrifying… I looked at her again as she still stood there.
And possibly amazing…
”My name.” I said and her entire body tensed up once again. I really hated seeing that and to know I was the cause.
”I realized what it was and panicked, so I made my presence known. Seeing how you reacted, I guess I was right in my assumption.” I finished my explanation. She took in a deep breath and looked up at the ceiling, in defeat? Fear? I didn’t know. She let out the breath, looked down and sighed.
”So you saw everything then.” Was all she said almost in a defeated tone. She put a hand up to her face. From where I was I can only assume she was wiping tears. That broke me, I wanted to get up and run to her, hug her, wipe them from her eyes. Before I could she cleared her throat and seemed to nod to herself.
“It’s okay, Bec, I understand.” She said and I was confused what did she mean?
”P’Freen—“ I started to say but was cut off.
”You don’t need to explain, Bec, it’s not a situation most people would find themselves in.” She continued.
”What are you—“ Again I was cut off.
”I’ll understand if you would like to leave, I wont stop you…” Her voice was tense and cracking like she was trying hard not to cry.
”I’m not—“ She was talking too fast that I couldn’t get a word in.
”I won’t bother you, so please if you can just forget what you—“ It was my turn to cut her off this time as I knew she was spiraling.
”P’FREEN” I yelled. Not in anger… never in anger with her. This seemed to finally snap her out of her spiral as she still refused to look at me. I stood up from the bed and took a few steps towards her, and reached up a hand to put on her shoulder but I hesitated. I have never hesitated before. I was scared… terrified that my touch would only make things worse. I put down my hand and kept it to my side, but made sure to lean in a little to hopefully give her some comfort.
”P’Freen, please… look at me” I said pleadingly. I myself was trying very hard not to cry, seeing her like this brought back memories I never wanted to relive. She had said something similar before and I’ll be damned if she thought I would ever do as she asked. I could see her body shaking, her knuckles white as she held them hard into fists. I took a leap and gently placed my hand on hers. I felt her flinch a little but did not pull away which was a a good sign.
”Please?” I asked again as I started to rub my thumb on her hand hoping that it was soothing her. She finally relented and faced me. I could see her eyes were red and filled with tears and I almost broke down with her, but I couldn’t. She wasn’t the strong Freen I knew right now. She needed support and I was the only one who could give it to her at this moment. I raised my other hand and gently wiped away a tear on her cheek.
”I’m not leaving, okay?” I said reassuringly as I looked into her eyes. I wanted to convey how serious I was, to give her that security.
”Please, P’Freen, never ask me to leave your side when you need me.” My voice was shaky, but I had hoped I had made my point across. She closed her eyes and nodded as she took in a shaky breath. I slowly guided her to the bed and had her sit down, gently rubbing her back to soothe her.
”I’m going to get you some water okay? I’ll be right back” I said and I felt her suddenly tighten her grip on my hand. I placed my other hand on top of it.
”I told you, I’m not leaving you. I’m just going to get some water and I’ll come back and maybe we could… talk?” I left the last part hanging, I didn’t want to push her more than I probably already had. She gave my hand a squeeze and finally let go as she nodded and stared at her hands.
I quickly left the room and for a few seconds just stared at the ceiling and took out a shaky breath I had been holding. There was no getting out of this now. I had opened the door, and there was no way of closing it anymore. I took in a breath and quickly grabbed some waters and the packet of tissues on the table as I walked back into Freen’s room.
What I saw as I walked back in broke my heart. Freen was sitting on the bed by the headboard, hugging her knees to her chest as she had her head down. I could see her shoulders shaking which indicated to me that was crying. She seemed so small and fragile at this moment and I wanted to kick myself for causing it. I immediately crawled on top of the bed and sat in front of her softly calling out.
”Hey, you’re okay, I’m here” I whispered as I touched her arm again rubbing circles with my thumb in a soothing gesture.
Her head snapped up as she looked at me almost in disbelief that I was still here. The next thing I knew was I was pulled into a tight hug which I returned. She held unto me like her life depended on it. That she was afraid I would disappear if she let go.
”Please don’t leave me, Bec, please… I can’t lose you” She whispered into my shoulder. I ran my hand through her hair.
”Shh, I told you already, I’m not going to leave you. There is nothing in this world that would make me leave you” I said as I started to rock her a bit trying to calm her down.
We stayed like that for a couple of minutes, as I tried my best to comfort her. When her sobs finally started to die down, she pulled away and looked down not meeting my eyes. I understood and grabbed a tissue and handed it to her as I opened up one of the bottles. After she had wiped her face and blew her nose, I handed her the water and took it with both hands taking a sip. I opened my own bottle and took a sip as well. Then took both bottles, capped them and placed them to the side. I knew Freen had the tendency to go non-verbal at times like these, So I had to take a bit of the lead.
”Would you like to talk about it?” I asked. She shrugged her shoulders and started playing with her hands. This didn’t normally mean no it usually meant she didn’t know where to start.
”Is it true?” I said and decided to give her a start point.
”You’ve already read it, Bec” Was all she answered still not meeting my eyes. I shook my head and gently cupped her cheek making her look at me.
”I would like to hear it… please?” I said as she looked at me her eyes searching mine for any sign of what she should do. She closed them, took in a breath and nodded.
”Yes. It’s true” She answered opening her eyes as she placed her hand on mine the one holding unto her.
”For how long?” I continued to ask. As we both put our hands down but kept holding into one another.
”I realized it a couple of months back, I can’t really pinpoint when” She said her voice much more steady now.
”Realized? What do you mean?” I asked in slight confusion. She bit her lip a habit she had when she was thinking.
”I think I may have started liking you way before I realized. But I guess I just chalked it up to wanting to protect you and care for you because you were my best friend and Nong. You were so young in an industry that isn’t always the nicest. I didn’t want you to get hurt.” She explained and I just nodded. I wanted her to continue.
”Maybe at first that’s what it was, but the more I cared for you the more it made me feel happy. I’ve never cared for anyone like this before, not even any past relationships. And for the first time a couple of months ago I had the thought of wanting…” She paused and I saw her eyes flick towards my lips for less than a second and she looked away again.
”More? I don’t know it was so confusing at that time. So many things were happening. But when everything was finally settling down. I had more time to think about it, and finally came to that realization.” She finished now fiddling with my fingers for comfort.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked her as she again shrugged her shoulders.
”I was scared? Terrified that you would look at me different, that what we have right now would change and that I would lose you.” She replied. Her eyes… her always expressive eyes were filled with so much sadness that I wanted to take away. I did the only thing I could do and squeezed her hand.
”Why would you think that? You would never lose me” I stated matter of factly and she shook her head.
”Bec, Everything we do in public is already under a microscope. Are there good things that came from it? Sure. But so much bad came from it too. Not so much now anymore but back then? Bec, they were out for blood. Saying all sorts of things… that we should be separated, that you should leave IDF… that I ruined you…” She said the last part almost a whisper afraid that the world would hear and that made my blood boil. She may not say it, but maybe she still had some lingering trauma from back then.
Freen had become strong, we both have but that didn’t mean everything can just be thrown out the window. The words those people have slung both our ways, despite now knowing is just mindless hate, definitely still affected us. We aren’t perfect, we are going to stumble here and there. That’s why we relied on each other to get through it.
“That’s bullshit, P’Freen, They have no say or sway to what I decide for myself. Who are they to say you ruined me? Seeing you for the first time in that workshop was the best thing to have ever happened to me. It changed the course of my life to one that I would never trade for the world.” I stated with absolute certainty and for the first time since this whole ordeal began, Freen let out a small smile that I couldn’t help but return. I placed my hand on her cheek again and stroked it with my thumb as she let out a small sigh of relief. Looking at her like this, it felt right.
”I wish you had told me sooner” I whispered and she looked up at me curiousity filling her eyes.
”Why?” Was all she asked and I could hear the slight hope in her tone as she did.
”So that you didn’t have to go through it alone…” I said as I looked into her eyes as deep as I could so that my next words wouldn’t be misunderstood.
”And that I could have told you that I like you too a lot sooner” There it was. A single phrase now out into the world. I opened the door and now I’m making sure it’ll never close again.
”W-What?” She stuttered out. Her eyes wide in shock, and I couldn’t help but giggle.
”P’Freen, you certainly can still act like Khun Sam. So smart but can also be so dense” I teased and she was still sat there in shock.
”Since when?” She finally asked. It my my turn to answer questions it seemed.
”I can’t pinpoint exactly to when it became ‘like” but I always found everything you did for me sweet. It made me feel cared for, protected, and loved. Eventually it turned into that. I didn’t tell you cause my own fear was that you would see it as just admiration of a Nong to her Phi. I thought maybe if both of us got a little bit older I would be able to tell you then. Now knowing that you like me kind of sped that up a bit.” I answered truthfully. And again for the second time today I suddenly got pulled into a tight hug that I eagerly returned. I could feel Freen shaking again as she cried but now I knew it was from happiness. She pulled back and wiped her tears and started laughing, I couldn’t help but laugh with her.
”Both of us can be such idiots sometimes” She said as she wiped another tear, and laid back on the bed. Finally all the tension had melted away from the both of us as I followed suit laying next to her. Both of us staring up at the ceiling taking in the moment where things have changed, but for the better. I turned my head only to see her already looking at me with that familiar look in her eyes.
”So what do you say, P’Freen? The world won’t need to know.” I asked. Even after everything I felt nervous. She rose up on her side leaning close to me.
”I’d say… This was the best possible ending I could ask for.” She whispered.
And for the first time without cameras or the blaring heat of studio lights, just the two of us as if the world outside never existed. I felt Freen’s lips on mine.