Chapter Text
“Thank you so much, Sylvia!” Wander was practically bouncing with energy, their dress flapping with the force of their movement. “I know you don’t like waking up early, but it’ll be so worth it when Barry’s face just lights up!”
Sylvia rubbed her face. She had just finished a much too long conversation with Trudy, who had been begging to switch to the lunch shift for weeks, but now that Sylvia was offering it on a silver platter, she just had to make some problems. “Who even is Barry?”
Wander gathered a roll of streamers in their arms. “Starbella, I absolutely loved the cookies you made today!”
The old woman smiled. She was in charge of making the pastries and sweets that were famous all along their street of Galaxy Drive. “Thank you, dearie! You know, they would be so much better if I could bring Mittens here-”
“Stella!” Sylvia sighed. “You know it’s a health hazard.”
Stella sighed. “Alright. But I will hang up more photos of him.” She turned from the counter and turned to the rack behind the coffee presses. It was covered in photos of Sylvia and Wander in various places from where they got their coffee with little notes of how they met the people that harvested the coffee, and various shenanigans they got into on their trip. She moved past it to Trudy’s shelf covered in cheesy trinkets and souvenirs (like a Galaxy Drive snow globe), then past that to Wander’s “daily” board (coffee of the day, snack of the day, word of the day, category of the day, etc.), and scribbled “cat of the day” on a piece of paper that she tacked to the board along with a collage of Mittens.
“Oh, Stella! How cute !” Wander clapped their hands together, nearly dropping the streamers.
“Wander,” Sylvia warned. They were only so evasive when they knew Sylvia wouldn’t like the answer. “Who’s Barry?”
“Say hello to Mandrake when you get home today!”
“ Wander! ”
“Oh, Sylvia! Please don’t get mad!” Wander finally turned toward her. “One of the Watchdogs? Turning thirty? Hasn't told anybody, but hopes they remember anyway? Poor Barry.” The Watchdogs were the Harbeanger’s baristas, named so because of Peepers’s last name. In solidarity with Peepers, they all wore eyepatches, and their uniform was an apron with their logo: an eye with a lightning bolt running through it.
Sylvia shut her eyes and let out a deep sigh. “We’re planning a birthday party for our arch-nemesis’s lackey?”
“Syl, don’t be so overdramatic!” Wander waved their arm. “He’s our rival’s barista. C’mon! Please !”
Sylvia snorted. “Fine.”
“Yay! Oh man, I love you so much Sylvia, you are just the greatest , and the most awesomest , and-”
“Alright there, buddy.” She ruffled their hair. “But first, lunch break.”
Wander pulled out a couple of grilled cheese sandwiches, and they sat on the tables that were set up in the front. They had relaxed for less than 15 minutes before Wander got a text, and their face glowed.
“Oh, no.” Sylvia put her sandwich down.
“What?” Wander’s grin was ear-to-ear.
“You’ve got that look on your face. The one that says ‘I’m gonna do whatever the fuck I want and you can’t stop me.’”
“I would never say the f-word!” Sylvia wasn’t sure if they were joking or not.
She sighed, and put the rest of her sandwich in her mouth. “What are we doing?”
Wander grabbed her hand and began pulling her down the street, jabbering. “So, basically, the Greenies were chilling around RoboCorp’s headquarters, and-”
“Buddy, the rally only starts at 4.” Sylvia picked Wander up and put them on her back. Wander was fast, but their legs were so short it was more efficient to just piggy back ride everywhere. Wander used to accidentally grab her nose to ear chain, but after a few stitches they stopped.
“Change of plans! They said they thought they saw the actual Lord Dominator go into the building! It was this tall guy, like 6 feet, and he was big and buff and looked like he could crush someone!” Wander delivered this with a happy grin. “Basically, this is the first time we’re sure that Lord Dominator is in the building, and I’m going to go in and I’m going to be his friend.”
“I don’t think that’s safe, Wander! Especially if he doesn’t want to meet you. You know, there’s a rumor that he kills his secretaries.”
Wander rolled his eyes. “Yeah, but the other rumor is that he sleeps with them!”
“And then fires them!” Sylvia retorted. “People call the employees DomBots. They’re emotionless shells. Robots!”
“Puh-lease. Bot 13 is nice! He’s always in the Nomad to get Lord Dominator his coffee.” Actually, Wander liked to call Bot 13 Beep-Boop, mostly because he would usually hang out in the Nomad when he didn’t want to go back to RoboCorp and face his boss’s rage. Beep-Boop because that was the noise his caps lock button made, and whenever he was in the Nomad he was definitely ranting about Lord Dominator to someone.
“He calls himself Bot 13 because he’s the 13th talent scout this year . And, he’s a glorified secretary. Which he admits himself.”
“Yeah, but he’s nice, right? I’m sure if I calmly and nicely explain that I just want to meet with Lord Dominator-”
“I’m not letting you go alone. That’s final.” She stopped in front of a crowd of people carrying signs and milling about the front of the main building - tall, menacing, tower, completely black except for the logo on the top, from which the nickname Lord Dominator was derived.
Wander hopped off her back. “I’m ready!”
Sylvia blinked. Wander was holding a fruit basket that seemed to be larger than them and weighed them over so they had to bend back to keep it upright. “Where did you get that? I’ve been with you all day . You didn’t have a fruit basket on the subway? You didn’t have one when you were on my back, how did you- where did you-”
Wander grinned. “Magic! Now, let’s go make a new friend!” Wander ran in through the imposing glass doors, and Sylvia followed them, a groan escaping her lips.
The inside of the tower gave off the same feel as the outside: maniacal, evil genius. The lobby was easily seven times larger than the entire Coffee Nomad and the bright red walls were glimmering resplendently. With a start, Sylvia realized they were screens showing the movement of magma. It was also completely empty, other than a teenager obviously getting a non-paid “internship” where he functioned as a gatekeeper into RoboCorp.
“Hello,” he said insipidly, “welcome to the New York RoboCorp headquarters. If you would like to view our labs, please go onto our website and onto the photo gallery. If you would like to talk to someone about what we do, look at our fliers. If you are here to complain about our effect on the environment, go ‘suck my ass.’” The kid looked down at his feet. “Sorry, my boss told me to say that.”
“We’re actually here to talk to Lord Dominator!” Wander put their hands on the counter and stood on their tiptoes. “I’m part of the Green-”
“Haha, yeah, my, uh, little brother here just loves messing around.” She hugged Wander with her arm. The kid raised an eyebrow and looked at the pair.
“M’am, I don’t know if you know this or not, but you’re Indian.”
She looked at the incredibly white, redhead Wander. “They’re adopted. Hey, Wander, why don’t you help me out by, uh, sittin’ on that bench over there?”
“Okidoke!” They skipped over with the fruit basket.
“Look, buddy.” She leaned in really close. “Look the other way. We’ve been trying to get a meeting with Lord Dominator for months, and all we want to do is talk.”
“Why would I do that? I want to get into college, how am I supposed to do that if my one internship ends with me getting kicked out for just letting in a couple Greenies.”
Sylvia grabbed his shirt and said in a low growl, “You’d do it so I don’t tear your spleen out.”
Wander jumped up. “Sylvia! Don’t be mean.”
She let go reluctantly, and with a grumble reached into her pocket. “Look. This is what’s in it for you.” She slid across a 20-dollar bill. The kid looked at the money and then at her. He took the money and sat down, taking out his phone. “Yes.” she quietly pumped her fist. “Let’s go, Wander.”
Wander rummaged in the fruit basket and pulled out a bag of cookies. “These, my good man, were going to be for Lord Dominator. But since my friend here seemed to have roughed you up a little bit, they’re for you.” They presented it with a flourish.
“Let’s go!” Sylvia held open the doors to the elevator, and Wander squeezed in.
“Now… If I were a morally dubious CEO, which floor would I be on.” Wander tapped their chin, and without much thought hit the highest floor.
As the elevator smoothly went up, Sylvia examined the elevator buttons and narrowed her eyes. “Does this… Does this elevator go sideways? Does that button say main teleporter room? What the fuck ? Is he a Pokemon villain?” She had to admit, though their chemical dumping was destroying biomes daily, she was impressed. She was a little bit less positive when the elevator doors opened and the hallway was lined with security guards.
“Bots,” she spat derisively. “Time to meet the Lady and her Duchess.” She flexed. “You go through, Wander. His office is probably that door.” She jerked her chin to the large, flame-red set of doors.
“He-llooo!” Wander waved and stepped out of the elevator.
“Wander, no!”
“I’m Wander, and this is my friend Sylvia! We’re here to talk with your boss! It would also be nice if you could tell us his real name. ‘Lord Dominator’ just sounds so intimidating and scary.” The guards looked at each other and fell upon Wander without a second thought.
“Wander, go! I’ll deal with these guys.” She shoved someone off of them, and Wander ran through the hallway into the red doors at the end of it. Contrasting the current chaos unfolding in the hallway, this room was quiet, with opera playing over the speakers.
“Beep-boop?” Bot 13 looked up from behind a stack of papers.
“Wander?” He jumped up. “What are you doing here? How did you get in here? Why are you here?”
“Well, Syl is out in the hallway talking to the guards, and I’m here to befriend Lord Dominator! Is this his office?” Wander opened the second set of doors across the room.
“No! Wander! You-” Bot 13 struggled to get out from behind the desk without toppling any papers, but they were in the office already. It was a large room with an expansive window that Wander could just imagine Lord Dominator would stand at and look over the city. The office was immaculate, the only mess being a folder on the table. Checking to make sure that Bot 13 was still fixing the stacks, Wander opened the folder. Though they didn’t understand anything, they saw the word “Volcanium X” repeatedly, and knew it was something important. They took out their phone and took a few photos. Then, they looked around the room, trying to find Lord Dominator, and when there was no sign of him, they decided to take a gander at the books lining the shelves on the wall. Maybe they could learn something about him. But with the first book they took off the shelf (Machiavelli’s The Prince ), the bookshelf swung open. Behind it was another room, smaller than the grandiose office. It was, honestly, a mess. Papers littered the floor, eight different books on C++, chemistry, and genetics lay open on various tables, and there was an empty cup of Coffee Nomad coffee with the signature logo of Wander’s hat. But the most astonishing thing was that in the middle of the room, amongst the heaps of trash was a woman, collapsed forward, sleeping on her desk. Wander wasn’t able to get a good look at her, because just then, Bot 13 grabbed their shoulders and whirled them around.
“You can’t be in here!” Bot 13 slammed the bookshelf shut. He sighed and put his face in his hands. “Look, dude, I like you! You’re nice and funny and cute. So I won’t tell my boss that you broke in, found her secret office, and probably beat up a bunch of guards. Partially to save my own ass. I’d be fired last week if she found out.”
Wander frowned. “Can I at least leave the fruit basket?”
Bot 13 snatched it. “No! She’d realize you were here.” He looked at the tag on the basket. “It even says ‘with love, The Greenies.’ You realize she hates you? She told the receptionist to tell you guys to suck his ass.”
“But… I just want to get to know her! She can’t be that bad. There’s a lil good and a lil love inside everyone!”
Bot 13 snorted. “Not in her there isn’t. Now get out of here before she wakes up! And don’t tell anyone he’s a she!”
Wander nodded. “Except Sylvia, right?”
Bot 13 began to say no, but knew there was no point. They practically shared a brain. “Except Sylvia.”
Wander ran out of the room before Bot 13 could escort him. “ Syl !” The woman stood above a group of security guards who lay unconscious on the floor. She didn’t seem much worse for wear except for a bruise on her cheek and some redness in her hand.
“I swear some of these guys are made of metal. Beep-boop, you’re sure these guys aren’t actually DomBots?”
“ Leave! ” He hollered,, but added with a whisper, “I’m not totally sure.”
Sylvia and Wander absconded quickly, Wander bursting with excitement until the elevator doors shut. “Lord Dominator is Lord Dominat rix !”
She pressed her lips together. “I’m sorry, what now?”
“Lord Dominator is a girl! I saw her in her office! She’s like in her late 20’s/early 30’s I’m pretty sure. She was wearing this suit and I’m pretty sure she had white hair? But she was covered in so much paper it could have been blonde. She’s your age! This changes everything ! We’ve gotta invite her to parties, to hang out at the Nomad, to listen to the Harbingers of Doom-”
“No.” Sylvia put up her hand. “Yes, it’s surprising that she’s a young woman in her 20’s, but she’s still a monster. If I could kill anyone alive on this planet it would be a close tie between her and Donald Trump. Yeah, I might pick her over that angry, racist cornchip.”
Wander put his hands on his hips. “Sylvia! An enemy is just a friend you haven’t made yet! I’m sure she’s a lovely person and has a perfectly legitimate reason for dumping Volcanium X into the ecosystem.”
“Dumping what?” They exited the elevator and began making their way back to the Nomad.
“Volcanium X.”
“What’s that?”
Wander jumped. “Oh, that’s right! While I was in her office, I took a couple photos of some files she had out. Look.” They pulled out their phone and let Sylvia look through the information.
“Ok, this means nothing to me. But you know who would know? Peepers! He’s such a dweeb, I’m sure he’s taken a class on this or something.”
“Yeah.” Wander smiled into the sky. “It’s so cute how smart he is!”
Sylvia laughed. “That’s one way to put it. Now, come on. Apparently we have to plan a Watchdog’s birthday party.”
They grabbed the streamers and some party hats from the Nomad and walked across the street to the Harbeanger.
The Harbeanger was some deal larger than the Nomad. Shaped like a silo on its side, a huge, semicircular glass window sat on the top half. The walls and ceiling were black, save for a red stripe along the walls and a red lightning bolt on the ceiling. At the back was a semicircular, red stage with an equally red dome. The floor was purple, the tables black, the couches bright green, and the chairs and counter red. A boombox was balanced precariously on the edge of it, blaring the “Spoopy Scary Skeletons” 10 hour remix. The chairs and tables had been pushed to the side, but the customers still sat in them, sandwiches in hand, a look of horror on their faces as they watched the scene unfolding before them.
In the centre of the cafe, Hater was trying to breakdance.
Breakdance might not be the right word as to what he was actually doing. A series of spastic, jerky movements, as he seemed to convulse on the floor. The Watchdogs cheered him on with a chant of “Hate’s great, best dancer!” Peepers stood to the side, eye squeezed shut and hands clasped in front of his mouth.
“Sir, maybe you want to, I don’t know, do this later? Perhaps after we close? Or maybe at home! It’s not that you’re not dancing well, you’re dancing great , but-”
Without pausing his uncoordinated movements, Hater responded, “Why don’t you go home and do some Algebra?”
Peepers angrily put his hands on his hips. “Sir, that’s racist! Not all Asians like math as much as I do! And I do Multivariable calculus!”
Hater rolled his eyes. “Whatever, nerd.” And then he proceeded to trip over himself and fall flat on his face.
Sylvia laughed.
“Hater! Are you ok?” Wander shouted, dropping the party supplies and running over to Hater. “Do you need an ice pack? Does it hurt when I touch your nose?”
Hater slapped their arms out of his face. “I’m fine . No one saw that!” He turned toward the Watchdogs and the customers. “ NO ONE SAW THAT!”
“What are you doing here?” Peepers narrowed his eye at Wander and Sylvia.
Sylvia glanced at Wander and waited for him to answer, but he was too busy fretting over Hater. “Well, technically we’re here to plan Barry’s birthday, but we also just snuck into RoboCorp and got some information that we thought you’d understand because you’re a dweeb.”
Peepers noticeably perked up. “Do you think it’ll help take them down?”
Sylvia furrowed her brow. “Well, I mean, I don’t know if the Greenies have the manpower to ‘take them down,’ but it does seem like some sketch information. Plus, why do you care?”
Peepers cleared his throat and took out his phone. “As you see here, according to my graph, before RoboCorp set up their headquarters on Galaxy Drive, our daily profits were here:” He pointed to a point on the graph. “But after they came, our profits went to here:” He pointed at a significantly lower point. “RoboCorp has affiliated itself with one of our main coffee suppliers. I mean, not like they were going out of business, but RoboCorp basically has a monopoly on advertisements so. Despite the revenue gained by the influx of tired employees, the revenue lost due to the hippies who are flocking to you -”
“Ok, yada-yada-yada, I don’t care. Look at these files.” Sylvia passed him Wander’s phone.
Peepers frowned but took it and skimmed through the information, the frown quickly disappearing from his face. “This is Chemical X! Holy shit! Wow, do you know that I did my dissertation on Chemical X and its various adverse ramifications on-”
“I literally do not give a single fuck about your online PhD, my optic nerd, get to the point.”
“ It wasn’t online, you uncultured horse !” He yelled. He took a deep breath, sighed, and pinched his brow. “Ok. Chemical X is found in various compounds including: Frostonium X, Terrarium X, Arrium X, and, of course, Volcanium X.”
Hater had escaped Wander’s mothering with an icepack attached to his forehead, and came over to the two make a loud peeping noise. “Huh? What’s that? I think my nerd-o-meter’s going off!” He turned to Sylvia and made a quiet beep. “No, not you.” He turned to Wander and made a louder beep. “Hmm, close.” He finally turned to Peepers and started screeching. “Looks like we found a nerd .”
“Sir!” Peepers whined. “We can take down RoboCorp! They’re making us lose money!”
Hater rubbed his chin thoughtfully. “Can we take them down…. Without being nerds?”
Sylvia punched his arm. “Look, man, just let the dork speak.”
Peepers pursed his lips. “Ok, there’s no need to speak to me like this? But anyways. Chemical X can be very dangerous for the environment, especially Volcanium X. It is, in fact, banned by the EPA for use unless it is disposed of safely. We know that RoboCorp has been disposing of its waste by dumping into the Chesapeake and various other waterways, and there are rumors they bury some in forests. If we can prove that among these chemicals is Volcanium X, we could get RoboCorp shut down for good.”
“Oh, no, no, no !” Wander shook their head. “I don’t want to take them down! I just want them to stop hurting the environment! Couldn’t they use safer compounds of Chemical X?”
“Well, technically, Frostonium X is pretty harmless, but you could still fuck shit up unless you, I dunno, shot it into space or something.”
“That doesn’t matter! I want them out of this street! If they’re taking my customers, I’ve got a beef with them.” Hater folded his arms and harrumphed. Though he was normally about six foot three, he always slumped over like a dejected twelve year old, and despite his large, tough-guy appearance seemed harmless. “What are you two even doing here? We’re enemies.”
Before either of them could answer, Barry burst out of the crowd of Watchdogs. “You remembered!”
“How did you-” Sylvia saw the cake in Wander’s arms with the words “Happy Birthday Barry!” Inscribed on it in pastel pink frosting. “Wander, you didn’t even bring that in with us! Where did you get that cake? Starbella didn’t make it!”
Wander winked. “Magic!”
"Dude, it's your birthday?"
"You oughta celebrate you, Barry."
"You're the man!"
"Can't keep stuff secret, man."
"Barry was born?" A group of Watchdogs crowded around Barry congratulating him and slapping him on the back.
The customers that were in the cafe at the time had long since turned their backs (those that were regulars were accustomed to such scenes), but some now became interested at the smell and mention of cake. The entire place burst into singing Happy Birthday, and what had looked like a small cake managed to feed everyone.
Sylvia retired early. She was tired and just wanted to go home. She knew she had technically switched out her lunch shift with her morning shift, but there was still some time before the shift was officially over, and she decided to go back to the Nomad. She said hello to Trudy and Stella, and took her position at the cash register. Suddenly, she saw something that made her stomach curl. There was Dominique, standing with a pretty blonde, and they were laughing. Sylvia had two thoughts in quick succession:
“Yes! She’s gay, and that’s her girlfriend!” And “Oh, no. She’s gay, and that’s her girlfriend .”
Dom made her way to the counter with agonizing slowness. “Yeah, I’ll have the usual, and my friend here will have a latte. You know, this is my lawyer. I wasn’t kidding this morning.”
Sylvia shut her eyes. “Are you fucking kidding me?”
“What?” Dom had a shit-eating grin on her face.
“On what grounds would you sue me?” Sylvia said, exasperated.
“I don’t know, I’m not a lawyer.” Dom shrugged. “All I know is that I would win.”
Sylvia wanted to punch the woman in the face repeatedly. She had never been more attracted to someone in her life. “Yeah, well, here’s your fuckin’ change,” she growled. At least Dom wasn’t dating this girl. “Hey, uh, hey,” Sylvia began stammering. “I mean, did you- did you know that the Harbingers of Doom are playing tonight?”
Dom blinked. “The what?”
“It’s our rival’s band. If you want to, like, I don’t know, get absolutely wrecked when you see what kind of fantastic music talent is on this street, you should come. Honestly, I don’t think you’d be able to handle it. Everyone in there is kind of a rough crowd, and considering I want to punch you, you might get beat up.” What the fuck. Sylvia wanted to bang her head against the counter. Why couldn’t she just flirt like a normal human being?
Dom snorted and rolled her eyes. “I don’t think so. I’m too good for some two-dollar band that plays in coffee shops.” She turned away and made her way out of the Nomad with her coffee.
“M’am?” The lawyer cleared her throat. “I don’t know if it’s my place to say, but I think she may have been flirting with you.”
Dom laughed. “First off, she wasn’t. You’d know that if you weren’t an idiot , Jenkins. Second off, it’s not your place.”
Sylvia actually put her face against the cool, granite countertop. She was a fucking idiot.