Chapter Text
This was, without a doubt, the longest they’d spent in each other’s company without talking. Alysia couldn’t reliably say how long they’d been sitting on the wall, but it had to have been at least an hour. Most of that had been spent crying into his shoulder; it had gone on long enough that she had a headache and her eyes felt all swollen and raw. She knew that, later, she’d probably be incredibly embarrassed by the display, but at the moment she was glad to have him there. Being alone with all her grief and shame would have been torture.
Through it all – each storm of tears and every lull – he hadn’t said a word. His hands had done the talking for him, letting her know that he was there and he cared. Instead of offering empty reassurances, he’d rubbed her back and neck, encouraging her to just let it all go. At some point, she wasn’t sure when or how, her braid had been undone, letting him run his fingers through her hair. It felt wonderful, especially when he let his fingernails lightly graze over her scalp. Eventually, she’d tucked herself completely against his side, her legs beneath her as he supported her weight; one of her hands had gone to his chest and tangled in his shirt, holding on tightly.
Once the tears subsided for the last time, she’d expected him to pull away… but she’d been wrong. No, one strong arm remained at her back and strong fingers were still rubbing her neck, occasionally delving into her hair. Every once in a while, usually when she hiccupped or her breath caught, he brushed his lips over her temple – she didn’t know if she should tell him that his beard tickled her skin, and she liked it.
Alysia knew that she couldn’t hide here with him forever, but she was reluctant to break the spell. Maybe he felt the same, and that was why he still hadn’t broken the silence. The Hawke she knew always had something to say. It was, apparently, up to her to return them to the real world.
Even if she really, really didn’t want to.
“Sorry I got you all wet and snotty. I probably ruined your shirt.” Maker, was that her voice? Rusty and hoarse from the sobs that had been torn from her throat, she hardly recognized it. She certainly didn’t have control over it now.
“Don’t be sorry. I’m going to sell it to a collector later. This snotty shirt is going to make me a fortune.” Another drawn out beat of silence, and then he was looking down at her, wearing a frown. “You don’t have to try so hard to be alright, not yet.”
“I know.” Hawke would let her be upset for as long as she needed or even just wanted. “I just… I can’t think about it anymore.” Every time she closed her eyes, she could picture it all with utter clarity; the laughter of the court, the agony on Celene’s mostly-unmasked face, the look of triumph on Florianne’s, the disappointment and disgust in the eyes of Josephine and Leliana. She knew the events at the Winter Palace would haunt her for the rest of her life… so she would make a concentrated effort to set it to one side for the night. “Please, Jarod?”
His name felt forbidden on her lips, and if she hadn’t been so exhausted, it would have made her blush. As it was, she pretended not to notice the way his breath caught or the way his arm tightened around her. Acknowledging them would mean a whole rat’s nest of problems that she just couldn’t afford. What they had was comfortable and easy; she wouldn’t put it at risk by driving herself crazy with thoughts of ‘what if’.
“Fair enough. You won’t hear another thing on the topic from me, at least for tonight.”
And just like that, the moment was over. His arm was no longer around her – he’d pulled it away so he could lean back on both hands, looking up at the stars. It was strange, how much colder the night suddenly seemed. Pulling her cloak a bit tighter around her, she turned her attention to the sky as well. “I think it might snow later.”
“Really? We’re going to talk about the weather? I think not, Lady Inquisitor. I can’t show you my mountain-“
“You don’t have a-“
“What’s that? I can’t hear you when you’re being cruel to me. Anyway, my mountain. We can’t see it, because the sun is refusing to cooperate at the moment. That will have to wait until tomorrow. It’s very impressive, by the way. Unforgettable, even.”
“The fact that you seem completely serious right now is disturbing.”
This… this was what she needed, now that all the tears were out. No questions asked, no forcing her to relive that horrible night in detail. They’d slipped right back into their comfortable banter, bickering over things that didn’t matter in the slightest. She didn’t have to think, didn’t have to worry about the words coming out of her mouth. Without the weight of the Inquisition or the world on her shoulders, she could just… be.
“I’m always serious. Thedas just isn’t ready for a man of my discerning tastes and temperament.”
“Mm. So you think that you’re where the future is heading?”
“Undoubtedly.”
“Good thing the world is going to end then.” It was too, because she wasn’t going to be able to stop it. Corypheus was going to win, because she was utterly incompetent; she couldn’t hope to defeat a Magister who had breached the Golden City itself. Not with Josephine sure that they would lose most of their diplomatic support and Leliana pushing for more ‘drastic’ actions. The Inquisition wasn’t going to be able to recover, and if she wasn’t careful, she would be responsible for a lot of assassinations and other questionable acts. And what about her troops? Would Cullen’s soldiers eve-
Suddenly, Hawke tugged on her hair; not hard enough to hurt, but it definitely startled her out of her rumination. “Alright, since you wandered off into the Land of Horrible Thoughts and didn’t hear my very funny retort, we’ll switch topics.”
Looking over, she wrinkled her nose at him, batting at his hand. “Never pull a lady’s hair, Hawke.”
“Never? I can think of several situations where hair pulling can be-“
“Stop. Stop right there. I don’t need to hear about your sex-capades.”
“Maybe you should pick one of those fops littering your main hall and have some for yourself.”
“No, thank you. None of them care about me. They just want to sleep with the Inquisitor. Such an illustrious deed would grant bragging rights for forever.”
“Good point. … you could interview them and pick out your favorites. Then Iron Bull and I could have a nice, friendly talk with each candidate. We’d weed out the trophy hunters for you. ”
“Stop being so interested in my sex life.”
“So you have one then? Good for you!”
Alysia rolled her eyes and fought the urge to laugh; she shouldn’t be happy. She shouldn’t get moments like this, because Celene never would again. But it was so hard to resist him when he was like this, and a choked laugh escaped her lips before she could stop it. “Hawke. If you don’t stop, I’m going to tell Cassandra that you’re trying to compromise my virtue.” He gasped like he was auditioning for an Orlesian play – it was awful of her to find so much satisfaction in his audible horror.
“You wouldn’t.”
“I think I might. She would get you to stop this ridiculous line of questioning.”
“By death. The Seeker would stop it by killing me – killing me very, very dead. She would hang my body on a pike and mount it in front of the door to you living quarters as a warning. Think of the smell, Alysia. Tell her anything and you’ll have a stinky corpse rotting right outside your door.”
“Fine, I won’t tell her, as long as you stop.”
“Done.” She gave him the side-eye to see if he actually meant that; he wore an innocent look she could see by torchlight that didn’t bode well. Maybe he would leave the subject alone for now, but she had a feeling he’d be teasing her about it later. Soon, threats of Cassandra would lose their effectiveness – she would have to find another weapon.
Blessed Andraste, she was lucky that he’d come to Skyhold. Without him, this night would have been unbearable, and the prospect of facing another day unthinkable. With him, she wasn’t happy, but her mood was lighter than she could have hoped. With him, she was already planning ways to circumvent his teasing so she could tease him instead.
“Hawke?” The man didn’t answer, only turned his head toward her. One brow arched in a question, but he held his peace until she was ready to continue. “Thank you. For… for tonight and… and everything. I’m glad that Varric brought you here, even if it turned Cassandra into a rabid bear for a while.”
“I’m glad too. Skyhold is a very interesting place. You’re welcome, by the way. Now Skyhold – like I said, very interesting. All the bits of rubble only add to its charm.” Alysia bit back a smile, shaking her head lightly. Apparently Hawke wasn't very good with gratitude. “Though I do have to wonder why no one has addressed… this.” He waved an arm at the hole in the wall in front of them, head tipping to one side. “It’s just asking for trouble. Don’t get me wrong, I like our little chats here, but it’s still a security issue. Why doesn’t Cullen have workman fixing it?”
“I told him that I like the way it looks. On reflection, I shouldn't have said that. I think he thought I was serious.”
“Can’t imagine why. Your tone of voice should have given away the joke – it’s so expressive.” He caught the way she glared at him and started to laugh, looking back up at the sky. “I actually had a conversation in mind earlier. You ruined it and now the timing is all off, but I’m going to going to start it anyway. Where was I… ah, yes. You can’t see my mountain because it’s dark, so we’ll have to look at the stars. Pick a favorite, please. I’ve already decided on mine.”
“You’re joking.”
“No, I’m not. We always spend half our conversations not looking at each other. Having a favorite thing to look at instead makes it easier.” Correctly interpreting her snort of disbelief, he looked over at her and flashed that smile of his. “It does! If you don’t believe me, then try it for yourself.”
“Show me yours first. If you remember which one out of all those very similar looking stars is yours, I’ll pick one for myself.”
“Alright, Lady Snark, I will.” She watched as he tipped his head back up to the sky, and she saw the exact moment that he realized he’d been so distracted by their conversation that he’d lost his star. “You know, it’s awfully late, and you’ve had a long day. I think you should go get some rest.”
“I can wait long enough to see your star, Hawke. It is your favorite, after all.” When he growled at her, she laughed, then reached out to poke his cheek. “Alright. I’ll pretend you’re shooing me because you’re concerned and not because you have no idea which star is ‘yours’.”
“My pride thanks you.” With that, he jumped up to his feet and offered her a hand. Taking hold of it, she let him help her up; she felt strangely reluctant to let him go. Looking up into his eyes, she offered him a small smile, mouth opening to thank him again. Sensing her intent, he let go of her hand and busied himself with straightening her cloak. “It’s cold, and we’ve been out here a long time – you should get inside. If the Inquisitor catches a cold because she stayed out too long chatting with me, Cullen and the Seeker will have my head.”
Trying to warm her, his hands went to her arms, briskly rubbing up and down as he studied her. “Your lips aren’t blue, so I think you’re fine. Still. Ask the servants for a nice, hot bath – don’t interrupt and tell me how late it is.” The woman glared and closed her mouth, huffing quietly. “They’re servants; it’s their job. Have them draw you a bath and bring some mulled cider. That will get you toasty warm and possibly a little drunk if it’s fun cider. Have you eaten?” She shook her head, which made him scowl at her. “You need to take better care of yourself, Alysia. I’ll drop by the kitchen and have them make something up. It isn’t that late, and again, it’s the cook’s job to cook. She’ll be delighted to make a dish for the Inquisitor.”
Outmaneuvered and not wanting to seem ungrateful, Alysia kept her mouth shut, locking her protests behind her lips. He waited a moment to make sure, then nodded once he was assured of her compliance. “Good girl. You’ll feel better once you’re warm, fed, and in bed under the covers, I promise.” Hawke went quiet as he reached behind her, grabbing the hood of her cloak and pulling it forward to cover her head. “I’m… It’s… You…” Scowling again, he took a deep breath and pushed past his discomfort. “I’m glad Varric had me write you that note. I’m glad I could help. Now go get warm.”
He turned and began walking away, leaving her with a bewildered expression that she felt slowly turn to a smile. Jarod Hawke was a good man, she decided. Possibly one of the best. Knowing that he was on her side, standing behind her, made her feel strong, like she could do anything; she almost felt safe enough to try. If he stayed long enough, Alysia thought that she just might find her courage.
She only hoped she found it before she let him down.