Chapter Text
As comfortable as the bubble Soobin and Yeonjun had been living in while they were in Ansan for the day, it was meant to burst as soon as they set foot back in Seoul.
Yeonjun had convinced Soobin that the whole group needed to be involved in the decision of him leaving the group. On top of that, he owed them an explanation for disappearing suddenly without telling anyone. As much as Yeonjun cared for him in a different way to all of the other members, they still worried about him.
They had asked protocol team to give them some time for a group meeting that day, leaving them on their own in the living room of their dorm.
“I am sorry for worrying you, guys.”
Soobin started speaking very quietly, struggling to find the words to explain.
“As long as you are okay, Hyung.”
Hueningkai offered back in a kind voice, a clear attempt at making the air feel lighter.
All the words his brain was trying to send down to his mouth seemed so stupid, that he had now opened and closed his mouth a couple of times.
“It’s okay, Soobinie. It’s us.”
Yeonjun’s hand rested on his shoulder, which felt like an attempt at passing on some courage.
There wasn’t any point in delaying this anymore, Soobin thought. With one last deep breath he started to talk.
“About a week ago, at KBS, I met Seo Jun Hyung from trainee days. When he was at Big Hit and we used to spend a lot of time together, I was young and I was stupid and I thought that he had feelings for me.”
He couldn’t lift his eyes from the floor as he spoke, scared of being unable to continue if he met eyes with any one of them.
“When I tried to confess my feelings, he threatened to tell staff what I had tried to do to kick me out. I didn’t try and stop him, I just... accepted it, but... Somehow...”
He wasn’t sure it was his place to tell the part of the story that would bring Yeonjun into this, but his boyfriend spoke before he could tell another white lie.
“I found out about and I threatened to tell on him for all the shit he pulled at the time unless he moved to a different agency.”
Soobin raised his eyes from the floor to meet Yeonjun’s eyes. He had beaten himself up for that for a long time after he had found out, but there wasn’t even an ounce of regret in Yeonjun’s eyes for having done that at the time.
“That fucking asshole.”
Beomgyu offered under his breath, his fist tightening against his leg. Soobin was worried about telling them the rest if this was the reaction already.
“Let him continue.”
Taehyun’s hand engulfed Beomgyu’s fist very delicately, which also caused Beomgyu’s expression to soften slightly.
“Anyways... As I said, I met him at the station a week ago, and he’s debuting soon. He's still angry about what happened and he has been threatening me to expose my secret and... my relationship with Yeonjun-hyung. There’s already a PannChoa article about it.”
“That. Fucking. Asshole.”
This time, the words came out of Taehyun’s mouth. Soobin’s eyes couldn’t help but shoot up to look at him. It was very unusual to see Taehyun lose his composure.
“I am sorry this is happening. I am fully aware that it’s my fault the group is at risk, and I am going to take responsibility for this. I should have done this back during trainee days and I never should have debuted with you while this was hanging over me. I got greedy and...”
“Hyung, what are you saying. This is not your fault...”
“... I have set a meeting with the directors, and I have made the decision to withdraw from the group.”
The silence that followed Soobin’s statement felt like someone was stabbing him through the heart. The tears were threatening to come out of his eyes at any second, but he needed to fight them in order to look convinced with his decision.
“What kind of bullshit decision is that?”
Beomgyu’s voice broke the silence first, all eyes suddenly on him.
Soobin opened his mouth to talk, but Beomgyu didn’t let him.
“Now I understand why you were conflicted about being leader because this shows horrible decision-making skills.”
“Ya, Choi Beomgyu.”
Yeonjun tried to reprimand him, but the smile betrayed him.
“I am being serious here.”
“You’re being seriously wrong. There is no way that any of us are going to let you do that.”
Beomgyu had already lost all his composure and he was now waiving his hands in the air, adding that flair of dramatic only he knew how to bring to the room.
“This is my decision...”
“It’s not your decision only, Hyung.”
Taehyun spoke the words in a much calmer way than Beomgyu did, but his tone was stern.
“We go up and we go down as a team. You’ve always said that. You can’t change your mind just because it’s hard.”
A tear was too quick for him, escaping down his cheek. He wanted to look completely in control, but chances were, they knew him too well to believe it.
“I already told you what I think, Binie, I am not going to let you do this and I don’t think anyone in the room will.”
Soobin’s eyes shifted to look at Hueningkai, the only person that hadn’t spoken a word so far. His mind went back to the conversation they had before telling everyone that they were dating. When Hueningkai had expressed how worried he was that all their efforts could be wasted.
“Hyung. I wouldn’t even be here today if it wasn’t for you. None of us would. Do you really think we would let you do this? That’s the real bullshit.”
At the words of the youngest, he allowed himself to let go of the tears he was holding back. He hid his face behind his hands as his bandmates gathered around him, like a shield that protected him from the outside world. If only it could be that easy.
“I don’t know how to fix this.”
The words were muffled by his palms pressed on his face, but somehow his friends managed to understand.
“I say we kill him.”
Soobin shot up a glare at Beomgyu’s words from behind his hands. Taehyun slapped his arm.
“I know it’s a tough world out there, but I still think they will be more lenient with a coming out than a murder charge.”
Beomgyu shrugged his shoulders at Taehyun’s remark, still unsure that his idea was completely out of the question.
“We just need to have something that will discredit him.”
Everyone turned to listen to Yeonjun, who was finally offering a valid alternative.
“No one will listen to him if they think he is just someone who has a grudge with Soobin.”
Taehyun nodded his head.
“We need him to admit to wanting to ruin Soobin’s career on tape but without him also mentioning your relationship.”
Soobin felt like his head was going to explode. How had this turned into a vigilante situation where they could go and get justice for themselves? They could have made things so much worse.
“How are we going to do that exactly?”
Hueningkai’s question was met with a bunch of confused faces. Nobody knew how they could do this.
“I think I can get him worked up enough to say something on tape.”
Yeonjun’s confidence worried Soobin. This was not his responsibility.
“Absolutely not, Hyung. I will do it.”
Yeonjun violently shook his head.
“There is no way I am letting you meet him.”
“This is my mess. If something goes wrong, I am the one who is supposed to go down with it. And also, I don’t trust that you can pull it off. You are terrible at bluffing.”
Yeonjun couldn’t even act outraged at the words coming out of his boyfriend’s mouth, cause all his other friends agreed.
“I don’t like this.”
Yeonjun’s concerned was heard, but there was nothing else that they could try at this point.
-
“You look like you are about to throw up, he will know.”
Beomgyu wasn’t the best person he could have chosen to rehearse this with, but Soobin had thought to himself he would have been the most honest of the members.
They had been at it for an hour, and Soobin didn’t feel any closer to cracking this.
“I am going to get us all fired.”
“I mean, it’s a possibility. But think of the blaze of glory we will be going out in...”
“You’re not helping.”
Beomgyu gave him one of those looks that he only kept for rare occasions. He took two steps towards him and rested his hands on his shoulders.
“I am proud of you for not running away. I mean, coming back after you run away.”
Soobin focused on something uninteresting on the carpet in front of him.
“I am still not sure it was the right choice.”
“It’s the only way where you won’t end up regretting it. Believe me, there is nothing worse than losing something because you weren’t brave enough.”
Soobin felt something hidden behind those words, that something he had felt multiple times over the past few months whenever Beomgyu and Taehyun were in the same room together.
“Are you going to keep on whining about it, or are you going to get him back?”
Soobin knew the only way to get through to Beomgyu was to stab and prod.
“I don’t know what you are talking about.”
“I would be surprised if this time even Hueningkai doesn’t know what I am talking about.”
Beomgyu scoffed, now following Soobin’s lead and looking at the carpet at his feet. It wasn’t very usual for Beomgyu to get embarrassed about something, but it wasn’t a secret anymore that Taehyun acted as an exception for him.
“It’s too late now. He’s moved on.”
“Or he’s very proud and he needs you to crawl...”
A knock on the door almost made Beomgyu jump out of his skin.
“We’re almost done.”
Soobin just said, going back to their rehearsal as if nothing had happened.
-
Soobin wasn’t surprised when Seo Jun accepted to meet him straight away. Before being the cause of his biggest regrets, he was once fond of this person to the point of knowing him very well.
What before had been hidden underneath layers of sugar to hide the ugliness in his character, now appeared clear and uncorrupted in front of Soobin’s eyes.
He never would have said no to a meeting where he thought he could gain something.
Yeonjun had insisted in going with him and finding a way to stay close-by but not too close so he could be found out. As much as Soobin didn’t think this would be a good idea, he was too nervous to be going there on his own.
He felt Yeonjun’s hand resting on his leg, palm open and facing upwards, silently commanding him to rest his hand there. Soobin obliged, feeling the warmth of his boyfriend’s hand spreading to the rest of his body for a second.
“It’s going to be OK.”
He offered — his tone too unconvinced to ring reassuring.
“It’s most likely not going to be.”
As much as Soobin had wanted to give this a try, mostly to show his bandmates that he had given them the chance to help him fix this, he struggled to believe this could work.
“What’s the worst that can happen? We get kicked out and we move to Ansan. Maybe we get a nice garden house and we grow our own fruit.”
Soobin shot him a glare, his left eyebrow taller than the other.
“No offense, Jun, but you’re not well suited to be a farmer.”
“Excuse me? Should I remind you I am Big Hit’s legendary trainee?”
He always used that title only when it was convenient, something that used to drive Soobin crazy when they still didn’t like each other.
“If keeping something alive was part of monthly evaluations, maybe you wouldn’t have that title.”
Before Yeonjun could respond in outrage, the taxi pulled over to their final destination.
Soobin’s heart sank to his feet.
They got out of the car and immediately put masks on. Yeonjun had agreed to go inside fifteen minutes earlier than the appointment, so that he could occupy one of the booths at the very end of the café without being noticed by Seo Jun once he came.
Soobin was fidgeting with his phone in his hands, playing all possible scenarios of how this could go wrong in his head. He had mocked Yeonjun for being bad at bluffing, but he wasn’t runner up to win any awards for it either.
The noise of the chair in front of him made him jump out of his skin. Seo Jun’s tall figure suddenly occupied his line of vision, giving him no time to mentally prepare. He quickly pressed record on his phone and put it face down on the table.
“I didn’t expect you to call.”
The smug look on his face confirmed Soobin’s suspicions. He had only come out thinking there was something he could offer him.
“I didn’t get a chance to say much the other day.”
“Yeah, I think you were a bit too busy shitting your pants.”
Soobin could hear his heartbeat through his ears, but he was trying so hard not to let it show on his face.
“Why are you doing this? You’re about to debut yourself. Shouldn’t you be moving forward?”
Seo Jun laughed, loud enough for some people sitting next to them to turn around.
“Are you seriously asking why? It’s because of you and your bitch boyfriend that I couldn’t debut in a big agency.”
Soobin cursed to himself. That wasn’t going to work, there was no way they could post that without also revealing their relationship.
“With how low you ranked, I don’t think that’s the case.”
He knew how angry that was going to make him, but he needed to push his buttons enough to make him say things he wouldn’t normally say.
“What the hell did you just say?”
“If it hadn’t been me, there were at least 20 people in front of you that would have debuted. So why are you resenting me?”
The vein on his neck was threatening to pop, but Soobin wasn’t actually scared anymore. He was saying all the things that he wanted to say to him all these years, and he wasn’t going to hold back.
“You think your fans are going to care about ranking when they find out all the disgusting things you do?”
“How about all the disgusting shit you used to do? You forget I was your sidekick for a long time... I have seen all the stupid shit you have done over the years.”
Soobin had gone off track completely. He didn’t care about the recording anymore, he had waited so long to actually say this to his face, that he couldn’t stop now.
“I have believed you for so many years, thinking you were right. That I am gross, that I shouldn’t be here. I can’t believe I tricked myself to think you were a decent person. You’re a piece of shit, Seo Jun. You always have been, and to be honest, you’re also a crappy singer.”
The noise the chair made as Seo Jun got up echoed in the air as Soobin prepared to be on the other end of a punch. He held his breath as he saw his red face charge to grab him on the other side of the table, but before he could feel the impact, Yeonjun’s figure stepped in between the two of them.
Soobin lifted his eyes to find Yeonjun’s hand wrapped around Seo Jun’s fist.
“Sit down.”
He just said, his voice still quiet as they had already attracted too much attention.
Seo Jun’s smirk came back to his face, which made Soobin want to be the one to reach over to his side and wipe it off.
“Here’s the other one... It’s going to be so easy to end you both.”
Yeonjun let go of his fist and his hand went to grab Soobin’s shoulder, urging him to get up.
“We’re leaving.”
“But Hyung...”
Before he could say anything else, he had grabbed Soobin’s phone from the table and they had walked out of the café. Soobin just kept walking as Yeonjun dragged him a few blocks away, not turning around.
He wanted to ask where they were going, but it didn’t seem like the right time.
They suddenly turned a corner into a side alley behind a restaurant, and finally Yeonjun looked at him.
His hands settled on the sides of his face; the eyes full of anger he had last seen when leaving the bar had been replaced with ones full of worry.
“Are you okay?”
Soobin melted into his touch, pressing his cheek to the palm of his hands.
“I am sorry, Hyung. I messed up.”
Yeonjun shook his head violently as he pressed his forehead against his.
“I am proud of you, Soobinie.”
Soobin closed his eyes and allowed himself to be in that moment.
He was proud of himself too. Finally, he could say that. All the self-hate he had for himself over the past few years, he was free of it for the first time. He was surrounded by people who loved him for who he was and wouldn’t let him fall on his own.
Whatever happened, he would be okay.
"Hyung...”
Yeonjun just hummed, his forehead still pressed against his.
“I think it’s time for me to talk to the directors.”
Another hum. That just meant one thing, if even Yeonjun was agreeing with him.
There was no other way out.
-
The elevator at Hybe never felt so scary.
Soobin had rarely had to press the button to the highest level, where the directors worked. There had only been a few instances in the years after his debut where he had to make that trip, and he had always been very proud of that.
It was kind of like being sent to the principal office, and he had been a model student who only get called up if he needed to receive an award.
Only this time, he was probably on his way to get expelled.
Yeonjun’s hand found his, trying to pass on some reassurance that he probably didn’t even have for himself.
Everything Soobin had ever wanted was to be an idol. He wanted to be an idol before he knew how most things in life worked. He wanted to be an idol so much that he had given up his time, his teenage years, his friends.
There wasn’t anything that mattered to him more than that and he always believed that statement would remain true; but being faced with the reality of losing Yeonjun made him realised that his dream had changed somewhere along the line.
He loved Yeonjun so much that his life without him felt meaningless.
He loved Yeonjun so much that walking into the office on the other end of the corridor didn’t feel like the end of his life, because he knew that whatever the outcome, Yeonjun would be waiting for him on the other side.
He could be Soobin without being an idol, but he couldn’t be Soobin without Yeonjun.
He brought Yeonjun’s hand up to his mouth for a faint kiss before letting it go as the elevator doors opened in front of him.
The ten meters long corridor kept on stretching, making him feel like he was walking a thousand miles.
They stopped in front of the door, facing each other.
Yeonjun had agreed, reluctantly, that Soobin would go in by himself. Since this was his mess, there was no reason to raise any suspicion that he was involved in it.
“It’s going to be OK.”
He had heard those words coming out of Yeonjun’s mouth a hundred times in the past few days, but now he knew that they were really true. Because at the end of the day, he was going to be OK as long as he had him next to him, and he wasn’t going anywhere.
Soobin took one last deep breath in, giving himself the courage to go in.
“YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”
His heart almost jumped out of his skin as he heard the screeching sound coming from the other end of the corridor.
For a second, he thought this was definitely a dream; the alarm would go off any time now, and he would have to walk that corridor all over again.
But Hueningkai’s frantic figure was really running towards them.
The maknae threw himself against them, grabbing their arms as he started to drag them.
“What the hell are you doing?”
The youngest managed to get them far away enough so that the secretary sitting outside of the director’s office wouldn’t hear what they were saying, as Soobin grew even more confused.
“You weren’t looking at your phone!”
Hueningkai managed to say in between gasps for air, making Soobin realise that he had probably run all the way from the dorm.
He reached for his phone in his pocket, which he had securely put away to focus on what he was going to say once in that room.
He had 7 missed calls from Taehyun, 5 from Hueningkai and 12 from Beomgyu.
What the hell was going on?
He unlocked his phone to find 30 new messages to the group chat.
HYUNG!!!!!! DON’T GO IN THERE
HYUNG
HYUNG
ANSWER YOUR PHONE WHERE ARE YOU
EMERGENCY
119
HYUUUUUUUUUNG
Hidden in between the begging messages, was a PannChoa link.
He could have sworn his heart stopped at that moment, so he was pretty surprised enough oxygen reached his brain for him to be able to press it.
The title wasn’t exactly what he was expecting to read, though.
SP Media announces change in line up a few weeks before debut following controversy with member Lee Seo Jun.
What were they talking about?
“W...What is going on?”
“He’s been kicked out; you don’t need to tell the directors anything!”
The fog in his brain was too thick for him to try and piece two things together at the moment, so he was grateful when Yeonjun jumped in.
“That’s still a problem, Kai, he’s probably even more pissed off now. He’s definitely going to post something...”
That’s it, that’s why his breath was feeling heavier. This didn’t solve anything.
“No, Hyung. Look at the other article.”
Soobin’s hand trembled as he looked back down to his phone and he opened the second article sent in the group chat.
Lee Seo Jun, meant to debut with SP Media new boy group, exposed for bullying fellow trainees in previous agency. [GRAPHIC VIDEOS INSIDE]
“They are never going to believe a word he says. His career is done.”
Done.
Soobin couldn’t believe what he was hearing. His entire reputation had been ruined and he had been exposed for the asshole he had always been.
This felt like a dream, one that he was hoping he wouldn’t wake up from.
“It’s over?”
The words came out as a whisper.
Yeonjun’s hands found his face as he pulled him in for a hug.
“It’s over, baby. It’s over.”
He broke down in his arms, the tears uncontrollably falling as he couldn’t process what he was feeling.
The important thing was he didn’t have to leave the group. He could continue being their leader, laugh and cry with them, run towards their dream together.
Both his dreams could exist at the same time.
-
It was still hard to process how the whole situation had changed from morning to night. When Soobin had left the dorms that morning, he was worried he would only be allowed to come back to pack his things up. Now he was sitting on the carpet in his living room, pouring sauce over fried chicken, knowing he was right where he belonged.
Yeonjun had stayed back at the company and he had gone in the meeting in his place. He had explained to them how back during trainee days he had been aware of the bullying from Seo Jun and he had been the one to threaten him to move agencies. For this reason, they should be aware of any potential articles that could come out in an attempt to retaliate on the group.
The company had informed their legal and social media monitoring teams, meaning that it was really over.
“I still can’t believe you two idiots weren’t looking at your phone.”
“Ya, you’re talking about your Hyungs.”
Yeonjun threw a chopstick in his direction, but couldn’t help but hide the smile on his face.
“Sorry. Idiot-nims.”
Soobin rolled his eyes at him but ignored his poking for the sake of everything they had managed to achieve.
“I still don’t understand how this happened. None of us had any videos from trainee days.”
Taehyun’s eyes were glued to the phone, unable to accept the fated timing of it all.
“Maybe it was just a happy coincidence...”
Hueningkai offered, grabbing a piece of chicken with his chopsticks, unbothered by the search for truth.
“Ya.”
They were being so loud it was hard for Soobin to control himself and not tell them to quiet down, even for the sake of the happy occasion, but he closed his mouth when he noticed Taehyun’s eyes two sizes bigger than normal as he stared at the screen in front of him.
“I found the original post on Pann for those videos.”
Everyone looked pretty disinterested up to this point, but Taehyun started waving his phone in front of them.
“Look at the name on the post.”
The eight pairs of eyes focused on Taehyun’s phone.
SooGoodLee
They all turned to look at each other, eyes full of shock.
To anyone else, this username probably didn’t mean anything. It would only mean something to the people in this dorm, the people who often played League of Legends against their protocol team.
They all got up from the floor and rushed to the kitchen, where two members of their protocol team were sitting with their own take-out.
“Jisoo-Hyung!!!”
Their team member got so startled he almost dropped his chopsticks.
“Why are you always shouting?”
He just said, nonchalantly, going back to his food.
“Is there anything you need to tell us?!”
They would have recognised that username anywhere, they had teased him countless times about it.
“What about?”
Soobin scoffed, his mouth still wide open from the discovery.
“Are you going to play dumb?”
“I honestly have no idea what you are talking about... Your food is getting cold. I am not ordering you another one.”
The five of them exchanged a look, still bewildered by the discovery that they owed everything to their protocol team member. As much as his job was to protect them, they had no idea he would go to such lengths to do so.
They tried to push him a little more, but seeing how he wasn’t going to give them anything, they gave up and headed back for the living room.
“There’s no more where that came from, by the way.”
He spoke suddenly, as all of them had their backs turned on him.
“So, be careful, will you? All four of you.”
Soobin’s head almost snapped off his neck as he turned around, and he could see he wasn’t the only one. Four heads turned, proving his point without even saying a word.
Hueningkai reached the living room before realising that his four Hyungs had stopped in their tracks.
“Hey. Four?? Am I being left out again??”
Jisoo left out a chuckle, as Soobin and the rest of the boys still hadn’t processed what his words actually meant. There was no way they had all gotten caught, no?
They went back to their chicken with a lot of thoughts to process, but the reassurance that even when they didn’t realise it, they had someone looking out for them.
-
Soobin couldn’t remember the last time they had gone onto the dorms’ balcony. They had been too busy lately that he hadn’t even allowed himself the time to look at the scenery outside as he let his worries overcome him.
When Yeonjun had asked him to meet him out there, he had been surprised, but he thought it was a good way of escaping indiscreet eyes, especially after Jisoo’s words.
When he closed the balcony door behind him, however, he was surprised to find he was on his own.
He furrowed his eyebrows and went to grab his phone to message Yeonjun, but heard the door open before he could do that.
Behind him, he saw Yeonjun carrying two plastic bags with a smile on his face.
He sat down next to him and took out the white paper box from one of the plastic bags, settling it down on Soobin’s lap.
Soobin could smell the kimchi coming from the box, making him smile.
It had been such a long time since that conversation they had shared on the balcony.
He wondered what the two people arguing about whose kimchi fried rice was better and disliking each other would have thought if they had told them they would be where they are now.
“Who would have thought...”
Almost as if he was reading his mind, Yeonjun voiced his thoughts out loud.
“That I would have ended up falling for that annoying jerk on the balcony? Not me.”
Yeonjun elbowed him in the side, using it as an excuse to inch closer to him.
“You love me, you creep.”
Soobin stopped looking at his food to look at Yeonjun’s gorgeous smile as he dug his chopsticks in his rice.
“I do love you. I love you a lot.”
Yeonjun’s eyes met his, a soft smile creeping on his face.
“I know. But I like to hear you say it.”
Soobin knew that too. He had promised himself he never would have let Yeonjun think that people only loved him for a short period of time. It didn't matter who came before him, he had vowed to love him for the rest of his life.
Not that it was a hard promise to keep.
He went back to his food, grabbing a big chunk of rice and carrying it to his bunny-shaped lips.
“Mine still tastes better than yours, though.”
He started munching on the rice, the bite too big for him to handle with no mess. He could feel a few grains being stuck to his lip, and as he bent to find a napkin to fix it, he felt Yeonjun’s lips pressed on his.
The warm and familiar feeling wrapped around Soobin like a blanket in the middle of winter. He dropped the napkin and reached for the back of Yeonjun’s hair, fiddling with some straws as their lips regained familiarity with each other’s flavour.
They kissed for so long that Soobin forgot all about what they had talked about until that moment, not even the concern of running out of air to breathe in his mind.
When Yeonjun broke the kiss, he almost let out a complaining sound, but he managed to keep it in.
“Maybe you’re right...”
Yeonjun just said, licking his lips nonchalantly, making Soobin’s cheek turn a shade of red. He used to hate how easily he would make him blush, but he was ready to hand him all that power over him without a second thought now.
“Let me try yours then.”
Soobin teased, reaching out to try and kiss him again. Yeonjun jokingly moved away, avoiding his lips for a maximum of ten seconds before giving in and melting into his lips again.
Soobin used to be terrified of the idea of giving so much power over his heart again after everything that had happened, but now he knew that he didn’t have anything to worry about.
Yeonjun would always be careful as held his heart safely with both hands, and he had fully trusted Soobin to do the same.