Chapter Text
Feyre’s POV
As the door clacked shut it rattled in the frame, the noise echoing through the now deserted space. The clank of the door against the frame felt oddly final; as though I had finally succeeded in pushing my brothers away so that I could do as I pleased. I should have felt satisfied instead as my anger began to ebb away it was replaced by an overwhelming urge to sob uncontrollably.
I was so drained. Every ounce of my will to live was throughly depleted; wiped away by the tsunami’s of intense emotion that constantly overwhelmed me. My mate was standing before me in a state that could only be described as dishevelled! Yet I knew I must look a thousand times more wretched. I was vaguely aware that his mouth was moving but I could not concentrate for long enough to work out exactly what he was trying to convey.
In fact, I was so throughly exhausted that I could not bare to stand a moment longer. I surrendered to the desire to fold up. Allowing my body to crumple onto the cool waxed oak floor of the House of Wind. This illness which I had inflicted upon myself had sapped every ounce of my life force. If the look of Rhys was anything to go by it had also sucked every glimmer of life from my family. A dark insidious beast that would devour us whole; one that Bryaxis would not be able to stop, no matter what bargain magic I invoked.
I was doing my best, swimming furiously against the riptide that longed to drag me into the depths. My best was not good enough. Sure, when I had eaten earlier my family had been momentarily happy. But I had been so tortured that I had hurled myself out of the sky before starting a blaze. It seemed that regardless of how this progressed one party was destined to be despondent. I, for one, could not cope with the weight of my troubles for much longer.
Throughly frustrated, I swallowed hard against the lump in my throat - instinctively I had curled into a ball my forehead resting against my knee’s in defeat. The familiar sting of tears bit at my already sore eyes; utterly sick of weeping I was determined not to let them fall. Still, I knew I may not succeed in holding them at bay…Rhys would want to have a conversation. Goddess knew that he at least deserved that. But if I attempted to discuss how I felt I was bound to become a snivelling wreck.
Feyre, please.
I was startled by my mates voice resonating inside my mind. My mental defences were impenetrable they had to be to hide my secrets. Yet, I was so exhausted he had managed to slip his way inside. Not only that but even mind to mind he sounded so throughly shattered. He was pleading with me no High Lord of his power should ever have to plead. That was the problem though wasn’t it? No matter how powerful he was he could not save me from this.
Sighing heavily, I lifted my head off my knee’s to meet his anguished violet eyes. Inwardly cursing when the movement caused my tears to spill over and trickle down my cheeks. I didn’t offer any response. What was there to say? There was no point in apologising when I did not intend to halt my self-destructive behaviour. I was simply too tired to fight it.
I’m sorry I have been so vile. I love you, I cannot bare to see you do this to yourself.
Whilst I appreciated the apology it wasn’t really warranted. I knew that I was the one responsible for the suffering in our family; everyone else was simply reacting to my bad behaviour. I did not deserve the love and grace being shown to me. My teeth sliced into the inside of my bottom lip as I bit down sharply - knowing that if I did not the gentle trickle of tears would turn into anguished audible sobbing.
I know I’ve behaved terribly, I promise that I had good intentions. I just want to help but try as I might I can’t seem to get it right…
Rhys…I can’t…I’m sorry…I’m so tired.
I was not capable of stringing together a coherent thought. I didn’t even know what I meant. I was torn between saying I can’t discuss this or I can’t do this. After all, I wasn’t sure that I wanted to recover. My behaviour, as awful as it was, meant that I was in control and I did not feel ready to surrender that. Don’t get me wrong I felt dreadful about what I was doing to everyone around me. Yet a large part of my brain bellowed that it wanted to push self-destruct - no matter what the consequences may be.
I was so shocked when Rhys folded me into his arms that I momentarily stiffened up. I accepted the odd hug from my brothers but generally I had been avoiding physical contact. It wasn’t that I didn’t love them, I did. I certainly needed the comfort of physical touch. The issue was that I was disgusted by my own body…When you find yourself revolting the idea of someone else touching you is enough to make you shudder.
I love you unconditionally, Darling.
I softened at the reminder, sinking into the comforting embrace of my mate. He was right. No matter what venomous words my consciousness roared Rhys had seen me in far worse states than this. The only problem was that in accepting that reassurance I could no longer hold it together; the sobs bursting forth in a raging torrent. My love acknowledged that there were no words - rocking me gently until the downpour slowed to a trickle.
“See I can’t say anything right” He joked softly. As he wiped away the straggling drops of water from my cheeks.
We were both shocked when his remark coaxed a watery chuckle from me. Laughter was such a rare commodity these days. In seeking control I had been attempting to bring serenity into my life conversely all I had brought myself was anguish. Happiness had been stolen away my eating disorder acting as a thief in the night.
“I have missed that sound” The admittance by my mate was soft and sweet.
He was no longer trying to guilt trip me or force me into things that I was not ready for. It unknotted one of the many balls of anxiety bouncing around my stomach. I knew he would still be insane with desperation, everyone who loved me was fraught with it…But he was no longer projecting it onto me. I wished that I could stay in this moment forever. Safe in his arms, in control of the concave carven of my stomach without any spoken pressure to do better. But my family deserved better…
I should do better.
Yet try as I might I could not seem to be anything but broken.
Rhys’ POV
There was nothing helpful to be said so we sat on the floor of the House of Wind for what seemed like hours. Curled around each other like two matching puzzle pieces; taking what comfort we could from the gentle touch of each other. I had no idea what to do for the best and it seemed that right now my Darling was too exhausted to express anything, even her thoughts were a disjointed unintelligible mess.
The only time I had ever experienced mental anguish similar to what my mate was going through - was when I returned from under the mountain. Everyone had been so glad to see me, yet I felt that they weren’t really seeing me. They were seeing the Rhysand that they knew before Amarantha. The person who had returned to them had changed beyond recognition. Yes, physically I looked almost exactly the same. But mentally I was broken…
I had given up everything to protect the people I loved. While I did not regret it and would willingly do it again if it was necessary you cannot live through that without it breaking some part of you. I had endured repeated sexual assault, treated as if I was nothing more than a mere coital plaything. Almost helpless with a tiny fraction of my power left, it was all I could do to conceal my wings and survive. Then my mate had been dumped into that hellscape with me and not only could I not help her…She believed she was in love with someone else. She was ready to die for the foolish Highlord of the Spring Court. She did die for him.
I knew my family were overwhelmed with joy to have me back. Still, I fled. I had hidden myself away in the Moonstone Palace. My days filled with silence and solitude as I battled with the mental demons that were the result of long term imprisonment. Admittedly, some of the solace I had sought had come from the bottom of a bottle. I had hurt myself in order to deal with my emotions almost exactly like Feyre is hurting herself to deal with hers. Which is why I am finding it so infuriating that I cannot help. I had climbed out of my own mental abyss. Why could I not help her clamber out of hers!?
I briefly contemplated whether it would help for us to go hide away in the cabin. I say briefly because I quickly realised that would not work; Feyre had a wonderful support system in my brothers who had been shining beacons of hope for her. Even if poor Az had been supremely frustrated when he left. I hope him and Cass had gone to blow off some steam in Rita’s. If Az had opted for a spar instead then I hope Cass had his wits about him - he had already let me get a few pop shots in and he would hate it if someone damaged his pretty face. He is bloody vain for a War General let me tell you.
Wait, maybe that was the solution! Well not the solution because we were not here to fix her. But maybe it would help if we all went away somewhere together to hide. A whole new environment where there is no historical pressure. Rather than misspeaking and upsetting my mate even further I decided to run it past my brother. I was a big enough person to acknowledge that currently Cassian understood Feyre better than I did. Whilst it hurt slightly this was not about me it was about helping my High Lady.
Cass are you sober?
Yes High Lord…
Even mentally I could feel Cassian rolling his eyes as if I was a nagging parent. Truly I did not care how drunk he got I just needed sensible advice which I would not have got if he was drunk. Cassian is the most stupid drunk I have ever encountered he will literally say “watch me fly” and jump off a balcony without using his wings…
I am not nagging Cass, I just need some advice.
Happily but kindly distract Az first or I will be skewered whilst giving you advice.
Az, can you take a break and go check on Mor? She will be worrying about made up scenarios. You know how wild her imagination is.
As overwhelmed as I was currently I almost laughed at Azriels response it was the equivalent of a mental grunt. It reminded me of when he was a moody closed off teenager - so unused to people caring for him that he did not understand why it was necessary to communicate what he was feeling.
Right, what do you need?
Do you think it would help if we all went away somewhere together? No outside influence, no historical pressure, no memories. Just somewhere fresh we can all be together.
A change of scenery might help but you need to remember it won’t be a magical solution. Plus, while I am glad you are asking for advice and letting us in, you really need to make sure Fey feels like she made the decision. She needs to feel like she is in control.
Thanks Cass, for everything. I really am sorry that I have behaved so poorly.
Don’t worry Rhysie! Hurt people hurt people, we understood.
As much as I cringed at the stupid pet name employed by my family, I really was monumentally grateful to them. They had done an outstanding job of looking after my mate and as ungrateful as I had been that had also done an excellent job at looking out for me. Being endlessly patient in the face of my tumultuous moods. No matter how many times I had lost my temper, they had held theirs in check and allowed me to shout rail and rage at them. I had been vile. In essence I had treated my family the same way I treat those in Keir’s court. I had been a monster! Yet they had been unswerving in their loyalty and abundant with their love.
“Feyre, Darling what do you say to us all going away somewhere? A little holiday where we can all relax”
I cringed as my voice broke even that sounded strained. Still, I had spoke out loud because there was enough going on inside her mind without me intruding. As long as she was communicating with me I would give her the grace of staying out. It took her a while to answer but I did not push - I may not have wanted to heed my brothers advice but I had still heard it. Cass had explained that one of the things she struggled with was making a choice because if that choice proved to be the wrong one then her brain had more ammunition to berate her with.
“I…I don’t know”
She stuttered as she answered her voice so meek and mild. Nothing like the confident High Lady I knew who had faced down her enemies and mocked those who underestimated her.
“That’s alright, don’t worry, it is fine to not know what to do for the best. I know you are tired my love. Would you like me to decide for you?”
I kept my voice soft as I reassured her making it clear that though I had been a fool I would now do my upmost to be patient. My hands carding through her wild hair, it had no doubt been neatly braided this morning but it had been a long day for all of us. I’m sure none of us could begin to imagine what it had been like for her. We were observing she was the one actually experiencing the torment every second.
“Yes, please…As long as its all of us”
I felt some of the tension dissipate from her muscles as she realised the burden of choice did not rest upon her. It made my heart shatter a little bit more, she was so fragile and all I had done was think of my own feelings.
“Like my brothers would ever let you out of their sight”
I was teasing but it was true. It warmed me to know they would hunt me to the ends of the earth to check that Feyre was okay. Family is not about blood, they had proven that time and time again throughout the many centuries we had spent together.
“I owe them an apology, especially Az”
The people of the Night Court were so lucky to have Feyre. Here she was emotionally shattered and throughly depleted, thinking about the feelings of others. We should all follow her example in being that selfless.
“Don’t worry about them they are fine. Now for our little family adventure, coast or country?”
This time the answer took less than a minute. My guilt was so heavy that it felt physically crippling. All this time I had been so frustrated, snapping at everyone. When all she had needed was some reassurance and patience - no wonder she had such faith in my War General who had been a gentle giant.
“Coast”
“Coast it is then!”
I swept my mate into my arms and leapt to my feet. Within three strides I crossed onto the patio where I could stretch my wings to full capacity. We would fly to the coast it would do us all the world of good to have something else to concentrate on for a few hours; there was something so soothing about flying, it was an intrinsic part of our nature as Illyrian’s. People think our nature is to be brutes who wage war but that is simply not true. Despite what the destruction of our dining room may say.
“Feel free to sleep on the way Darling we will make sure you get there safe and sound”
With that I dropped a soft kiss onto my mates forehead and soared out over the safe haven of Velaris.