Chapter Text
Steam clouded the air, hot water pelting his back as blood stained water circled the drain by his feet. Wet hair clung to his temples, his forehead pressed into the tile of the shower. Beer bottles lay next to the small trash can just outside of the bathtub, a half full one clutched in his hand.
At this point all the blood was rinsed off, yet he remained exactly where he stood. His skin was red and raw from the heat, the tips of his fingers began to wrinkle. Three words echoed in his head, a voice he hadn’t heard in ages. ‘No more killing.’ These words had been spoken to him by his former mentor, Charles Xavier. They were words he knew he had to follow to be a hero, because that’s what had been ruthlessly drilled into him. And a hero was the one thing he knew Wade wanted to be, it was the only way to join the avengers and prove to everyone he was a good person. But how was Deadpool supposed to be a hero if Wolverine wasn’t?
Two faint knocks on the bathroom door snapped him out of his spiraling train of thought.
“Logan?” A worried Wade softly called to him through the door. “You’ve been in there a long time, you're gonna use up all the hot water!” As much as he wanted to reach out to him, he didn’t want to risk being serious.
“I’ll be out in a minute.” He responded bluntly, using a soaked hand to push his hair back and smooth it down over the back of his head.
“Alright, I’ll be in the living room.” Pausing, he considered adding something else. Maybe offering to talk, or to keep him company? No, that would only drive him away. “Let me know when you’re hungry, maybe we can get dinner.” His usual teasing tone was quickly replaced by a more dejected one as he dragged himself away from the bathroom.
As he approached his favorite recliner right next the tv, he felt the muscles in his body weaken from fatigue. Flopping down into the soft cushions, all the air from his lung pushed released. No matter what he did it seemed like Logan was getting farther and farther away. Something was bothering him but he didn’t know if he could ever get his friend to tell him. The sound of the shower turning off made him turn his gaze towards the hallway.
The door opened slowly, Logan exited in a cloud of steam, his hair damp and messy. He wore nothing but a pair of loose shorts but the towel draped around his neck covered some of his chest. Wade looked away, he wouldn’t dare be caught staring, at least not right now.
The other man sat down on the couch on the other side of the room, removing his towel and discarding it next to him before spreading his arms and resting them on the back of the couch as he eyed the TV.
“So um…Logan? You good?” he carefully glanced over at him, trying to remain casual so he didn’t scare him away.
“Fantastic.” his eyes narrowed as he shifted uncomfortably where he sat.
Wade chewed his lip, mulling over what his next words should be. He straightened his posture, deciding it was silly to beat around the bush even if Logan wouldn’t talk to him. “Why did you run back there? You didn’t even help me bring that poor girl to the hospital.” He frowned, almost as if his own disappointment manifested as he spoke.
Logan felt his muscles tense, the words stung like a hundred slaps to the face. It seemed his fears had come true, Wade was finally going to express how much of a failure he felt Logan was. His arms instinctively crossed over his chest, his legs pressing tightly together. “I don’t know, I just ran.” He mumbled, turning his face away.
“But why? We had beaten them, I don’t understand.” He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees and letting his face sink into the palms of his hands.
He bit his lip, involuntarily turning his body to face away from him to avoid what he knew was probably a very judgmental gaze. Words failed him, he couldn’t think of an excuse, but he also wouldn’t dare tell him the truth.
“Logan, this isn’t gonna work if you can’t talk to me. How am I supposed to trust you if I don’t know what’s going on?” He turned his head to look at him through his fingers, his brow furrowing as he took in the pained expression plastered on his friends face. The way he shrank back into the couch bewildered and hurt him in a way he couldn’t describe. His shock caused him to sit back up, clasping his hands in his lap.
“I just..” he trailed off, eyes laser focused on the show quietly playing in front of him. He didn’t even register what it was, all he need was something to stare at.
“You just what?” His voice was barely a whisper, low and calm, almost like talking to an injured animal. A laugh track filled the silence between them, only furthering the tension that seemed to suck all the oxygen out of the air.
“I can’t be what you need okay?” He abruptly pushed himself up from the couch, storming across the room but stopping just after he passed him. “I know I’m a fuck up, alright? I know I let everyone around me down. You want to be a god damn avenger but I’m always going to hold you back.” His tense shoulders sank as his seething tone fizzled out. “The one thing they don’t do is kill, but I know that’s the one thing I’m actually good for. It’s what I was made for.” He let his fists go, wriggling his fingers as his claws shifted under the skin in his hands and forearm. “Sometimes I think it might be all I know.”
Wade stood up from his chair and carefully stepped towards him. “Logan, being good at killing is not necessarily a bad thing. But it’s not the only thing you can do. I’ve seen you do plenty of great things. And just because you kill people, doesn’t mean you don’t also help people.” Without thinking he lifted his hand to to touch him, but stopped himself before he made contact.
“But that’s not what a real hero would do. And maybe if I had been a hero instead of a fucking drunk my family would still be alive.” He turned his head to speak over his shoulder, eyes distant as he lost himself in thought.
Wade cast aside his worries and laid his hand on the other man’s shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze. “You can’t think like that. I’ve learned that the hard way, it never ends well.” He took another step forward, trying to test the boundaries of how close he could get.
“What else am I supposed to think? They were slaughtered while I was out drowning myself in the cheapest liquor I could find. “ he pressed himself back into his hand, the pressure being the only thing anchoring him to the room they stood in.
“That’s not your fault, you never asked for them to die.” A second hand rose to mirror the other, steadying his friend as he leaned back slightly. He wondered if Logan even realized he was doing it. In any case he hoped he was at least helping.
The back of his eyes began to burn. Shit. He couldn’t cry here, not now. “It doesn’t matter what I asked for, it matters what I got. And if I had been there for them instead of running away I wouldn’t even be here.” Tears threatened to push past his eyes, blurring the bottom of his vision. “I could’ve saved them and I didn’t. And I can’t even manage to stop killing peoples or drinking.” There wasn’t anything he could do to stop it, warm tears trailed down his face. Though he quickly wiped them away with the back of his hand and sniffed hard to try and stop the flood he could feel building up.
Before he could think better of it, Wade wrapped his arms around him, pressing his chest to Logan’s back and holding him firmly. “Don’t do this to yourself. It’s not fair to you or the people who love you, and it won’t bring them back.” He whispered, clasping his hands tightly over his chest.
“But I have no one left..” a sob wracked his body, he finally gave in and nothing he could do could stop him from letting go. “What am I supposed to do, Wade?” His voice broke, an unusual sound for a man who normally spoke in such a rough voice.
Wade felt his chest clench, he recognized this kind of pain, and as much as he wanted to fix it he knew nothing would make it go away. “But that isn’t true anymore, peanut.” This nickname was one he used often, but even though he was trying to lighten the mood, he felt it was more sincere than he had ever meant it. “I’m not going anywhere.” He mumbled into the back of his neck, unsure if he could even hear him at this point.
“Do you mean that? I thought…I thought I was a disappointment to you. All I’ve ever done is ruin your chances of achieving what you want.” His eyes shifted to look him, all he could see was the rough, scarred, skin of his arm curving over his shoulder.
“Why would you think that? Have I made you feel that way?” He pushed himself away slightly, wishing he could look him in the eyes.
“I…don’t know.” Thoughts swirled in his head, he had been so sure for so long but now he was just confused. He felt Wade’s grip tighten, which only made it harder for him to think.
Wade pressed his cheek to his back, letting his eyes fall shut. “I’m sorry, Logan. I should’ve…” he drew in a sharp breath. “I don’t give a shit about the Avengers.” He managed to find his voice, hoping that his sternness would get it through to him.
To his own surprise, Logan felt compelled to turn around, not bothering to wipe his tear stained cheeks. His eyes desperately scanned his features. “Do you really mean that?” He felt his lungs deflate, all the air within them escaping him in one breath.
“Of course I do. Those losers have nothing on you, peanut.” A sad smile danced on the corners of his lips, one of his hands finding a resting place on his cheek. His other hand slid down his shoulder to press on his chest. He now realized what he had been missing. This.
A tired smirk began to form on his face.“And you’ll always be too good for them, bub.” His hands apprehensively lifted towards him and laid on his waist.
Wade had never heard him speak so gently, but something about it made his head feel full of static. Instinctively he pressed forward, the hand on his chest snaking its way behind his neck as he leaned in.
With a swift yank, Logan pulled him in, roughly pressing their lips together. As much as he still hurt, he could feel some of the tension in his back melt away. He felt Wade sink into him, the hand that was cupping his cheek sliding back to meet the other behind his neck.
Nothing else mattered in this moment. Logan’s smell filled his mind, dark and smokey. He tilted his head slightly, doing everything he could to get closer to him. The built up strain between them threatening to burst.
Logan stumbled backwards, only being stopped by the wall behind him. He didn’t mind though as it allowed him to pull Wade close. The fingers on his right hand hooked through the belt loop on his jeans.
Wade couldn’t help but let out a content sigh, his skin buzzing from head to toe. The sensation of their chests pressed together made him unable to form a single though, not like he cared.
The slightly taller man reached up with his other hand, gently pulling Wade's face from his own. “This…this is nice. But I think I need to slow down.” His chest heaved, out of breath from the hunger building somewhere in the pit of his stomach. He let their foreheads press together, Wade’s warm breath on his lips.
“Me too.” He chuckled, gripping onto his shirt. He felt like he could collapse into him, but he steadied himself by leaning into Logan’s hold.
“I don’t know what this means.” Tilting his head up slightly, he gently laid his chin atop Wade's head, arms curling around his torso in a loose hug. Physical touch was something he wasn’t familiar with when it wasn’t hostile. Very few people were allowed to be this close to him, but he had to admit that he missed it. And even more so, he was glad that it was him.
“Me neither, I’m just happy you’re not so grumpy.” He smirked, his fingers loosening their grip on his t-shirt and smoothing out the small bunch of wrinkles left behind.
Logan let out a hearty laugh, one that caught him off guard. He didn’t let it stop him though, the weight on his shoulders seemed lighter every second and for the first time in years he didn’t feel like running. “You just had to go and ruin the moment huh, bub?” He said softly.
“You know me, peanut.” He teased, pushing himself away with a grin. “Now come over here and watch this shitty hospital drama with me. I’ll even order us chinese if you can sit through more than 3 episodes.” he strode back across the room and plopped down on the couch, patting the seat next to him with his hand.
With a roll of his eyes, Logan stepped forward to join him. As he sat down, he realized the lack of contact was bothering him. He stretched his arms upwards, then let them drape along the back of the couch as he leaned into the man next to him.
“Oh real subtle.” Wade shifted so that their thighs were touching.
“Just play the fucking show. Just cause we kissed one time doesn’t mean I won’t hurt you.” He grumbled, eyes narrow.
“Promise?” Wade blinked up at him, a playful smile on his lips.
“Wade.” He huffed.
“Yeah yeah, playing the show.” After a few clicks of the remote, the show was playing.
The two sat there for the most part in silence. Though neither could help laughing or commenting on how terrible the writing and acting in the show was. After a few episodes they put in an order at their favorite Chinese restaurant and before long it arrived at the door. They remained at peace, at least for evening.
And when Logan finally went to his room to go to sleep, he fixed his sheets and made his bed. Laying his head down felt a lot easier that night and the sleep he had been chasing for years finally embraced him.