Chapter Text
Brittany was sat on the couch in the studio staring down the camera.
“Welcome to this episode of Queso Por Dos. We once again are going to have a trivia contest, in honor of the film Back to Black, the Amy Winehouse bio pic, we have another trivia contest. And since I am married to one of the biggest Amy Winehouse fans, I know that it won’t be fair to ask someone to compete with her, so our host is my lovely wife Santana Lopez-Pierce.” Brittany held her hand out, as if gesturing to where Santana should be. But instead, it’s Kurt and Quinn at the podiums with an empty one in the middle.
“This is why I don’t do these live.” Brittany sighed. She started to check her phone and found a text from Santana. “Okay, the kids needed something.”
“Don’t you have a nanny for when you’re filming?” Kurt asked raising an eyebrow.
“Yeah but whenever the kids want us, if we can do something for them, of course we do it. I mean San used to work with Iggy in a high chair or playpen next to her. I have one of the kids with me when I’m writing this stuff and editing it. Don’t you and Blaine spend as much time as you can with Hepburn?”
“Yeah, of course we do, but when we have the nanny, we just let the nanny take care of it.”
Before anyone could comment on that, the studio door opened and in came Santana.
“Sorry, Cassie wanted me to make her lunch, then Valerie was fussy and wouldn’t settle for her nap. But they’re all good now. Val is asleep and Cassie is fed. The boys are both happy. Let’s start this trivia!”
“Okay, we have to go back to the introduction.” Brittany sat back down on the couch. “Welcome to this episode of Queso Por Dos. We once again are going to have a trivia contest, in honor of the film Back to Black, the Amy Winehouse bio pic, we have another trivia contest. And since I am married to one of the biggest Amy Winehouse fans, I know that it won’t be fair to ask someone to compete with her, so our host is my lovely wife Santana Lopez-Pierce.” Brittany gestured to where Santana was standing, in all her glitz and glam.
“Listen up folks for this quiz is gonna be hard for most of you. Not so much you Britt, ‘cause you’ve heard me talk about this stuff. Now let’s introduce our contestants. We have the most amazing woman on the planet, Brittany Lopez-Pierce. Lady Fabgay, friend of the show.”
“Not my name.” Quinn sighed.
“And Lady Hummel, the only person with a more breathier voice than Lady Fabgay.”
“I hate you.”
“First question, for the nerds. What schoolmate of Amy Winehouse, later became a short lived English pop star, turned time traveling companion known as Bad Wolf?” Santana started.
Kurt hit the buzzer after a few moments. “Billie Piper? Do I get more points if I name the character and show?”
“No you just prove you’re a bigger nerd. But yes Billie Piper is the answer. Point to Lady Hummel.”
“What show are you talking about?” Quinn asked absolutely puzzled.
“Doctor Who.” Kurt explained.
“A show you only know because of the British dick you tried to suck.”
“Such a charmer Santana.” Kurt rolled his eyes.
“Next question. Warning, this one is sad. What legend had the honor of being involved in Amy’s last recording?”
Brittany slammed on the buzzer. “Tony Bennett.”
“And that’s why you’re a genius Britt. Five points for you.”
“Why was that question worth five times the points mine was?”
“Because I’m in charge. Next question! We all love body ink, be it a tramp stamp of a famously closeted gay man like Lady Fabgay has, or a unicorn where the horn is a strap on, like Britt has, Amy Winehouse also loved her body ink. So folks, how many tattoos did she have? And no bonus points if you can point out what they were.”
Brittany slammed on the buzzer again. “14.”
“And that is the number of points you just got. Next one is all about the awards. In 2008 Amy Winehouse broke a Grammy record. What record did she break?”
Kurt slammed the buzzer. “First woman to win a grammy for jazz?”
“Nope.”
Brittany buzzed. “First woman to win a grammy for jazz, this century?”
“Sorry babe. Nope.”
Quinn buzzed in. “First British female artist to win five grammys in one ceremony?”
“Lady Fabgay got it. Five points, one for each grammy. Point check in. Lady Hummel has 1. Britt has 19. Lady Fabgay finally on the board with 5. Now the last time we had a trivia challenge here on Queso Por Dos, it was so my wife could get me back for a very stupid mistake I made at 18. That is not going to happen. This is really just a trivia contest sponsored by the film Back to Black. Back to Black, the biopic about Amy Winehouse, coming to a theatre near you on May 27th. Also not to be confused with the 2018 documentary Amy Winehouse: Back to Black or the album Back to Black. Or the 2015 film Amy. There’s been a lot of documentaries, is what I’m saying. Now for the next question, worth ten points. What was the first genre Amy recorded?”
Kurt buzzed in. “Pop?”
“Wrong.”
Brittany hit the buzzer. “It was like that thing you showed me. Reminded me of that That’s so Raven clip…rap?”
“It was rap. 10 points! She was inspired by Salt-N-Pepa. Speaking of origins. What instruments did she play?”
Quinn buzzed. “Piano, guitar, cello?”
“Random sort and the answer is wrong.”
Kurt buzzed in. “Just piano?”
“Wrong.”
Brittany buzzed in. “Just guitar?”
“Correct. That’s I dunno, six points? Let’s be honest, points don’t really matter, we all know that Brittany is gonna win.”
“Shocker.” Quinn rolled her eyes.
“Well it’s true. Not because it’s rigged, it’s just that I’ve talked a lot about this stuff, and she watched all the documentaries with me.”
“So many documentaries.” Brittany sighed. “I mean, you can only find so many facts about someone.”
“Speaking of facts, who else in the Winehouse family released an album?”
Kurt buzzed in. “Her dad?”
“Was that a guess?”
“Yeah.”
“Well you guessed right Lady Hummel. I dunno, 5 points. Next one. How many times did I sing an Amy Winehouse song during glee?”
Kurt buzzed in quickly. “Just once. It was Valerie.”
Quinn and Brittany both buzzed in but the machine said that Quinn was 0.00056 milliseconds quicker.
“Lady Fabgay.”
“Two. You sang Valerie, which one us sectionals, then you sang Back to Black for your auditon for soloist.”
“Look who paid attention to our friendship. 10 points.”
“Final question and you cannot hit the buzzer until I say go. True or False. Our youngest daughter is named after the song Valerie? And in case you want to claim unfairness, Hummel, I literally told you why she was named Valerie, Quinn, you’re her god mother you should know, and Brittany you named her. Now 3. 2. 1. Go!”
Quinn and Brittany slammed on the buzzer at the same time again. Kurt once he saw that the other two buzzed in, hit the button as well.
“Okay Q. I guess you buzzed in first.”
“She is not named after the song.”
“No she is not. Alright. I already decided that if Britt buzzed in first, it would be worth twenty points. Point totals. Lady Hummel has 6 points. Lady Fabgay has 35. Britt has 35. We have a tie. For the tie breaker, I dunno…flip a coin?”
“We can rock paper scissoring.” Brittany suggested.
“That’s not the name.” Kurt sighed.
“I’m game.”
“3. 2. 1. Shoot!” Brittany and Quinn chanted before they showed their options. Quinn went with rock while Brittany went with scissors.
“How do you always beat me at this?” Brittany asked raising an eyebrow.
“You always pick scissors.”
“‘Cause I wanna do the whole-” Brittany made two scissors with hands and then had them interconnect.
“Well, the winner of this trivia contest is Lady Fabgay. The prize is…I dunno, Britt what was the prize?”
“The pride of knowing that you won?”
“God that’s so lame. Just cook me a nice dinner.”
“Join us next week where I have a special guest.” Brittany smiled at the camera.
“Who’s the guest B?”
“Porn star Jasmine Dallas.”