Chapter Text
She sat there. With a sad, almost lifeless look. She wasn't looking at the flickering screen of the TV like Joey and Frank were, but outside into the night. Snowflakes danced in the light, which was cast only dimmed through the window panes to the outside.
No matter how exciting the movie was, I couldn't and wouldn't take my eyes off Susie, even though the sight of the sad girl seemed to tear a big hole in my own heart, and for only one reason: I was to blame for her being like that.
A few days had passed since she had kissed me unexpectedly. As planned, neither of us had said a word about it or even hinted that it had ever happened. However, both Joey and Frank realized that something had happened between Susie and me. While the former confronted me directly with the facts that Susie spoke little, if at all to me or any of us in general anymore and often retreated to her room, the other seemed as if he couldn't care less.
Frank's behavior would have fucked me up immensely under normal circumstances, but I myself no longer had the energy to argue with him. I couldn't go to war with him before I had settled the inner turmoil inside me. Because... Even if it was hard to admit it to myself: I, too, dreamed at night of Susie's soft lips on mine.
"Julie?" Joey's voice brought me back to reality. Only now did I notice that the seat the pink-haired girl had been sitting in before was empty? Now it was just the brown-eyed man standing in front of the massive wooden staircase, looking at me with a slightly confused and concerned look. "Are you okay?"
I lied. Of course, I did, what else could I be doing? Should I have gone up to him and told him that I had kissed my best friend and was now thinking about whether I might be a lesbian? Never. The best thing that would happen is that he would look at me funny and pretend that none of this ever happened. But it didn't happen: Joey disappeared into his room and I did the same.
Defeated, I threw myself on my bed and stared at the ceiling, hoping it would tell me how to handle this situation. I thought that breaking up with Frank was one of the worst things that could happen to me in this already bad situation, but this... This was on a completely different level. Susie's looks, my feelings, it was just too much. I never wanted to hurt her and knowing that I had now done just that felt incredibly shitty. In moments like these, I wished I dared to confess to her and the world how I felt. But that was impossible.
Inside, I was convinced that I shouldn't be having these feelings. That it was wrong to feel this way... Or to feel this way about this person.
I groaned and tried to let go of all my feelings with my exhale before jumping up, grabbing my pajamas, and heading to the bathroom. For a moment I was able to distract myself with the thought of how crazy it was, that the Entity had partially restored this place for them between Trials, but we had been here so long that now that couldn't impress me for a long time either.
Now I was standing here, face to face with an exhausted, somewhat sad girl whose blonde hair was slightly wispy to the sides as she brushed her teeth, and I couldn't stop thinking about how disappointed her parents must be in her.
Not only was she a dyed-in-the-wool criminal, no, but her dream of a stable, traditional family with grandchildren and a son-in-law would probably never be fulfilled. What luck that they will never know this.
A few minutes later, I was back in my bed, staring at the same spot as before, but still not getting any answers to my questions. What I did get, however, were memories of Susie's sad, almost depressed demeanor. The look on her face had burned into my mind and I would know that I couldn't heal that wound until I talked to her about it. About how I felt toward her.
But I didn't know if I had the strength to do that. Because once I let the words pass my lips, it was true. As long as I kept it to myself, I could try to ignore it. To pretend it wasn't there... But did I even want to do that? Another question that the ceiling couldn't answer for me. It was frustrating, a struggle within myself that seemed to engulf me more and more until I was just a little heap of misery.
Fortunately, after a few minutes of yawning emptiness, I was relieved by the sweet taste of honey on my lips.
- "Jules?"
I was startled. What was going on? It took me a few minutes to get back to reality: I had already daydreamed again. And that at one of the most inopportune moments: The water I was trying to heat on the stove had boiled over. Great.
While I was trying to clean up the mess, I only heard Frank's quiet chuckle, which sounded like deafening tremors to my ears. I had no energy to get upset with the man, though.
"You're so absent all the time, are you heartbroken or what?"
He asked teasingly, which caused me to pause in my movement.
Exactly Frank, you are absolutely right.
"Shut the fuck up, Morrison."
Frank chuckled again, "That's the Julie I know... No, honestly now. You and Susie... You both seem so different lately. Kind of like you're not quite there."
"Why do you care?"
I fired the wet and hot rag into the sink before grabbing some spaghetti from the cupboard and shoving it into the hot water. Trying not to look at the brown-haired man, I stared at the little bubbles that were getting bigger and quickly bursting.
But the bubbling sound was drowned out shortly by Frank's groan.
"Jules... I know I made mistakes. Okay?"
You don't say.
"And I'm an asshole, I know. But just because I don't love you doesn't mean I don't care about you. Just like I care about Susie."
I turned to face him. Frank Morrison was showing emotion? Huh. So wonders do happen after all. I smirked at the thought for a brief second. There was a certain irony to all this that I couldn't describe... It had never occurred to me before that Frank would ever admit to mistakes.
"You see... You haven't smiled like that in forever. I just want you to know that I'm here for you. Okay? Even though it might not always seem that way... And I understand you, you know that."
At that moment, I saw the Frank who first stood in front of me some time ago. The Frank with whom I spent nights talking about all my problems and desires. When I looked back on our relationship, those were the moments I remembered most fondly. Even there, it had struck me that I had not felt any romantic feelings toward him and probably never would have. It was a platonic friendship. A very intimate one, to be sure, but nothing more.
Could I trust him?-
But at that moment another Frank appeared before me. The Frank who, together with Joey, had beaten up a gay boy from school. I couldn't look back then. But now I felt the impact of the kicks and punches hitting my body... At that moment I realized why: that could have been me.
"No, you certainly don't understand THAT!" I spat out angrily, before turning my back on him and turning my attention back to the noodles. What Frank didn't see now, though, was little warm drops mixing with the hot water.
"God damn it, Julie! What don't I understand?!"
"That I fucking love Susie!"
There it was. Unexpected and out of emotion. I winced slightly, startled by my own words. Without having realized I had turned around, I was now looking into a pair of brown eyes that looked at me as if transfixed. Fuck.
- "I... Uhh... I mean..."
I tried to find the right words to talk my way out of it, but I couldn't find them.
Once I let the words pass my lips, it would be true.
"So you're... Lesbian?" Frank asked though you could strongly tell he was struggling mightily not to use any of the swear words he knew. While the minimum, however, I would not have expected even this.
I nodded, with the little drops now swelling and little rivulets running down my cheeks. It was once the fear of rejection that paralyzed me, but mostly the relief of finally having said it.
"Okay. Well... You know, I wasn't expecting that now because you... Well... You don't look like a lesbian. But in the end, it's good if you found someone you love. Most people find it weird but... Fuck society."
I felt a hand caress my shoulder and then withdraw. Even though it was just a small gesture, it was the most loving thing I ever expected. I didn't understand why Frank reacted the way he did, but it didn't matter. He did and that was enough.
Slowly the wet stream from my eyes dimmed and my thoughts became clearer.
"Yes. Fuck society."
Later that day, I sat by the fire in the large common room and gazed into the igniting flames. I hadn't quite processed what I had really said to Frank, however, I felt better somehow. Lighter. Warmer.
Maybe it wasn't so bad to be me after all if it felt so much better than hiding. With newfound strength, I straightened up when suddenly the door burst open, throwing a cold wind into the room. Susie trudged in from the snow with a tired look on her face and just mumbled a dejected 'hello', ready to turn away from me and shuffle straight to her room.
My heart sank again at her unhappy look. I had broken her heart... But maybe I could fix it.
"Hey, Susie, can we talk for a minute?"
I asked without fear. I was sure it wasn't me that something was wrong with, but society. I loved it, and it felt good, so why would it be wrong?
The pink-haired girl nodded hesitantly but walked trotting slowly towards me. I saw my feelings in her: the fear, the pain... Everything. I definitely had something to make up for. But as I looked into her dull, blue eyes and tried to open my mouth the words stuck in it. I never wanted to see Susie like that again and hurt her like that.
"I-I'm sorry, Susie. I didn't mean to hurt you. I was afraid, terribly afraid to admit that to myself because I was afraid of being rejected."
I began, still a little unsure, when suddenly I saw little tears forming in Susie's eyes and the dull blue sea brightened. She began to sob and the dam in my eyes also broke one more time that day.
"But Susie... I love you. And I love you just the way you are."
And suddenly I felt the sweet and light taste of honey in my mouth one more time, but this time it was not a dream.