Chapter Text
As Ash lay in bed, a piercing scream filled the room, jolting him awake. In an instant, he was on high alert, reaching for the pistol concealed beneath his pillow. However, his hand around his gun relaxed as he realized that the scream had come from Eiji.
Eiji had awoken with a start, his body shaking with fear. Tears flowed down his cheeks, and the grip on his shirt was so tight that his knuckles had turned as white as a sheet.
Ash went to his bed, wishing to help and comfort him. When he came closer, he saw that his hair was damp and droplets of sweat were running down his face. He tried to touch his hand, but Eiji flinched, and his body trembled even worse. Eiji raised his knees up to his chin and put his arms around them, still shaking.
Ash immediately withdrew his hand. He was only too familiar with this behavior. It was a position to protect yourself from harm. A way to make yourself as small as possible, be invisible, to blend out your own existence. If you became one with the room’s darkness and interior, blending in perfectly, people wouldn’t notice you. If they didn’t see you, they couldn’t harm you…
Only, with his handsome face, golden blonde hair, and rare green eyes, he would never go unnoticed. So, while everyone saw his beauty as a blessing, he saw it as a curse. Ash couldn’t even remember how often he had cowered like that in the darkness, hoping to be overlooked and wishing someone would save him.
Yet, no one had ever come.
Until he met Eiji, that is. He had risked his life by jumping over a 10-meter-high wall with a rusty pipe and had saved him despite barely knowing him. No one had ever risked his life for him, especially not without asking for anything in return. So, he hoped he could save him this time.
But how could he do that if he feared his touch?
Of course, his touch couldn't comfort him. His hands were drenched in blood, and only knew how to cause pain and death—a killer’s hands. Ash stared at his hands with disgust. How would such hands like his ever be capable of saving someone? Or providing comfort? That thought alone was ridiculous.
He desperately wished to make Eiji feel safe but wondered if he was even capable of doing so. He remembered how Eiji had comforted him during his nightmares and wished to do the same for Eiji, but looking at Eiji’s torment now, he realized that he was utterly useless while the person he cherished the most was in pain.
Still, he desperately longed to make Eiji feel safe, to repay him for saving him from his nightmares, for his infinite kindness, patience, and warmth. But what was he supposed to do? Usually, he had nightmares, and Eiji was there to comfort him. Eiji always found the right words and gestures to save him. Maybe he could remember what Eiji had done to help him and try to do the same?
Imitating Eiji’s behavior was all he could do. He had only learned how to use his hands as a deadly weapon. No one had ever taught him how to be kind, compassionate, and empathetic. Or how to comfort or reassure someone when suffering from a nightmare. Expect for Griff, maybe. However, he had been too small back then, and the memory was too faint to recall it now.
He slowly started learning with Eiji’s help that touch came in different forms. Just like a camera, touch wasn’t evil in itself. It depended on the wielder, the one who initiated them. So, he had learned kind gestures and gentle touch that contained warmth through Eiji. He always used soft gestures, a soothing tone, and reassuring words. He always felt terrible when he flinched at Eiji’s touch, but Eiji was full of understanding and patience, saying that such wounds would heal over time but not overnight.
Ash gripped his hair in frustration while sitting on the side of Eiji’s bed. He couldn’t bear seeing Eiji like that and hated himself for being powerless. He was used to always staying in control in any situation.
Think, Ash!
He felt utterly at a loss and faced a situation beyond his abilities. What good was a superior mind when it failed so miserably in emotional situations? Logic was easy. If you didn’t know a solution, you could research it, look it up, or read a book about it to learn it. However, emotions were not bound by logical rules and were constantly changing, unstable, and beyond reason. Therefore, they were a mystery to someone like him, who had suppressed emotions most of his life, considering them a flaw and weakness.
He struggled to recall Eiji's actions and words, how he had managed to calm him down when suffering from a nightmare. Eiji had always reached out to him with kind gestures, and he had often overreacted to that touch, still haunted by the memories of the nightmare. But what had Eiji done if a touch had only increased his fear? He tried to remember what Eiji had done instead, trying to recover snippets of those moments. Times when Eiji had reached out to him and guided him away from the nightmare’s darkness and back to safety. Still, it wasn’t easy remembering something that someone did when you were still in a state of daze and confusion…
Then it struck him - Eiji had used his voice!
But before that, there was something else... Yes! Of course! The darkness had always disappeared first. A light! Eiji had turned on the light to help him realize where he was—home and safe. He got up, switched on the light by Eiji's bedside, and then sat beside him, maintaining a safe distance so as not to frighten him again.
"Eiji, can you hear my voice? It's me, Ash. You're safe. No one will hurt you. I promise. You recognize my voice, right?" he asked, using a soft and soothing tone. He remembered that hearing Eiji’s calm voice always reassured him. If Eiji's voice had been relaxed, it had helped him calm down again, too.
Eiji’s trembling eased down a bit at those words, and he had opened his eyes again. Even if his eyes were filled with tears, Ash saw a change in him that meant he had recognized his voice. His eyes stared at him. They weren’t lifeless and dull any longer or looked through him. Instead, the darkness vanished, and Ash saw in his widening eyes that he recognized his voice. The tension in his posture also gradually decreased, and the arms around his legs loosened.
So, encouraged by that small change, he continued talking to him.
“Eiji, it’s me, Ash. You’re safe. It was just a nightmare. I’ll always protect you. I promised you, remember? Please listen to my voice even if you can’t see me clearly. I know you recognize it.”
Eiji’s eyes became more focused, and the familiar brown color returned to them when he finally looked into his eyes, not through him but at him. More tears ran down his cheeks as he started to recognize his surroundings. And him.
“Ash…” Eiji finally sobbed through his tears. He let go of his knees and tried to wipe his tears away. “I was so scared…”
“Eiji, can I touch you?” he asked. Consent always came first for him, especially in vulnerable situations like these.
Eiji nodded through his remaining tears.
Ash hesitated for an instant, then grabbed both of his hands and rubbed gentle circles on the back of his hands, something he also had copied from Eiji. After a moment, Eiji slowly sat up again. Then, he did something that he hadn’t expected. He leaned forward and hugged him, his hand slung around his neck, squeezing hard, holding onto him like a lifeline that saved him from drowning.
Ash couldn’t help but tense up a little, utterly astonished by that hug; then he slowly put his arms around him as well. He gently stroked the back of his head and pulled him closer.
“Eiji, it was just a nightmare. You’re always safe with me. I promise. I’d do anything for you. Tell me what I can do to make you feel better.”
“You don’t have to do anything. Just hold me,” Eiji sobbed, his grip even firmer now, his fingers digging into his shoulder so hard it would probably leave marks later. Ash didn’t care as long as Eiji felt better.
“I will. You’ll always be safe with me.”
Hearing that, Eiji finally burst into tears, his body still trembling and his tears flowing endlessly, soaking his shirt. Ash pulled him even closer. His first thought was that he was happy because Eiji trusted him, confirming that he could spend Eiji comfort.
Eiji had hugged him as soon as he had seen him, and hadn’t hidden his tears from him. He had learned that such actions usually meant that you trusted a person. Eiji held onto him as if he were a ray of hope in the middle of pitch-black darkness. For reasons unknown to him, Eiji had often told him that he felt safe with him and that he’d stay by his side if he wanted that. He was relieved to see that he was at least a bit useful despite being clueless about how to react correctly to emotions.
Ash held him close and tried to hum a tune, a soothing melody that he remembered from his happy childhood memories with Griff. It seemed to work on Eiji, whose tears slowly ebbed down. His arms around him loosened a little, and his body stopped trembling. After a moment, he hugged him with his head on his chest while only silence remained. They sat like that for a moment, neither of them uttering a sound.
“Thank you, Ash,” Eiji finally said, pulling out of the hug and smiling through his remaining tears. His whole face looked all puffy and red, but Eiji didn’t avoid his gaze; instead, he looked directly into his eyes. That was what he loved about Eiji the most. He had never hidden his vulnerable side from him, not his tears, his pain, or his swollen, crying face. He always showed him all his sides: weakness and courage, happiness and sorrow, fears and worry, mischief and honesty. Eiji had accepted his strengths, flaws, and true self and was content with how he was. He admired that about him.
“I didn’t really do anything. I’m sorry I couldn’t be of more help. You always find the right words and gestures, but I feel so powerless and at a loss when trying to comfort you. It looks so easy when you do it.”
He looked away from him, turning his gaze downwards on the blanket. He felt so guilty and useless. Initially, he had stood there for a moment, completely frozen and his mind flatlining, unable to do anything. He hated himself for behaving that way when Eiji desperately needed his help. Ruling New York’s underworld was as simple as a snap of his fingers. Emotions, however, were a mystery he couldn’t solve.
“Ash, you’re overreacting. You switched on the light, so I realized where I was, and when I flinched at your touch, you used your voice instead. You tried to talk calmly to put me at ease. It helped me a lot, even if I noticed your efforts only through a veil of mist and your voice echoed from a great distance. However, what matters is that your efforts reached me. Thank you.”
Ash looked up at Eiji in surprise and felt his cheeks start burning. Had he really helped Eiji? Still, Eiji’s eyes revealed pure honesty, and he never lied to him, so it had to be true.
Without thinking, he reached for his face but stopped in midair. What was he thinking? A killer’s hands could never be gentle and comfort someone…
Eiji grabbed his hand in midair. “Don’t stop, Ash. Continue what you wanted to do. I can see in your eyes what you’re thinking. They always darken if you doubt yourself. While it’s true that your hands can hurt and kill people, they can also be gentle and protect, heal, and save people. Please try again.”
Ash stared at Eiji, not believing what he had just heard. It was as if Eiji had just read his mind.
“You know, it’s scary when you do that. Reading my mind,” he gently scolded him. Still, he couldn’t help but smile at him.
“Why? We’re connected soul to soul. People linked by fate will always find each other.” His features betrayed his genuine thoughts and doubt about that statement because Eiji added something else.
“It’s fine if you don’t believe in such abstract concepts. I know that you can also feel that we share a special bond. We can finish each other sentences and bring out the best in each other. So, please try again.”
“Soulmates, huh? Sounds beautiful. Maybe all my torment and suffering was worth it because I finally met you.”
“Ash… I’m sure that we were supposed to meet and heal each other. You’ll see that I’m right eventually.”
Eiji let go of his arm and smiled encouragingly at him. Ash reached for his face, cupped his chin, and gently wiped the tears on his right cheek away with his thump. Eiji closed his eyes and leaned into his touch, teaching him that he trusted him unconditionally. Encouraged by that, Ash used his other hand to remove some damp strands from his face.
“See? Your hands can also save and heal people. It always depends on the wielder’s choices. A hand can injure and kill people or protect and save them. Like a sword or a revolver can kill or protect people.”
“You mean like a camera can make evil or beautiful photos, depending on its user.”
“Yes, exactly! You’ve never been afraid of my camera, right?”
“No, because your photos are beautiful, colorful, and full of life. Your photos reveal that beauty and kindness remain even in our dark world, even if they’re hard to find.”
“I’m happy you feel that way.” Eiji smiled softly at him.
“Eiji, are you feeling better? You still look really pale.” Ash scrutinized his face, then gently put a hand on his forehead. His hair was still damp from sweating, but to his relief, he didn’t have a fever.”
“Do you want something to drink?” he asked him.
Eiji nodded, and Ash went to the kitchen and brought back a glass of cold water. Before he gave it to him, he took a wet cloth, cleaned his face from sweat and tears, and then dried it with another.
“I thought this would help you feel better. I don’t want you to get sick.”
“Thank you, Ash.” Eiji reached for the glass, drinking it slowly.
“Do you think you can sleep again?” he asked, still worried.
“Yes, I think so.”
Eiji put the empty glass on the nightstand and lay back on his pillow. Ash covered him with the blanket and got up, then placed a small kiss on his forehead before heading back to his bed.
However, he stopped in his tracks when he saw Eiji’s wide eyes staring at him in surprise for a moment. Had he overdone it? He probably shouldn’t have done that. Guilt overwhelmed him because he had done something wrong again.
“I’m sorry, Eiji. I shouldn’t have done that. I’m sorry.”
“No, Ash, you misunderstood that!” Eiji quickly grabbed his hand, stroking the back of his hand gently, then smiled at him.
“I was just surprised, that’s all. You’ve never done that before. But it felt good and helped me. Thank you.”
Hearing that, Ash sat down at his bedside again, smiling for the first time.
“Oh, it’s just that you always did that when I had a nightmare, and it helped me, too.”
Then, his smile faded again, and he turned serious. “I’m sorry. Eiji, I’ve never learned how to comfort someone. I never know what to do. I can only copy your gestures and learn from you.”
He looked down at his hands, feeling utterly stupid and helpless. When Eiji placed a hand on his knee, he looked up again and saw the softest smile on Eiji’s face.
“It doesn’t matter if you copy my gestures. You helped me a lot, and that’s what counts. Besides, I’ve never hummed a soothing melody when you were suffering. Where did you get that idea?”
Ash smiled dreamily when hearing that question and remembered a scene from his childhood.
“My brother always did that when I was little. I never know what to say and never find the right words to help you, so I assumed that tune would be a good alternative. I always felt better when my brother did that.”
“It helped me as well. Thank you. And it doesn’t matter what you say or do. Your mere presence helps me, Ash. I always feel safe when you’re here with me. That’s all I need.”
Ash felt how his cheeks flushed red with embarrassment and quickly turned away. Eiji giggled. “You’re cute when you’re embarrassed. If you blush, you look much younger and become timid. I love it.”
“Eiji… I’m not cute. I’m a m…”
Eiji quickly aced a hand on his mouth to interrupt him.
“Don’t you dare finish that sentence, Ash! It’s not true. You’re the kindest person I know.”
“Why do you call me that? Cute?”
“I know your true self. I saw your vulnerable side, bleeding heart, and weeping soul. I’ve also seen your embarrassed side and still think it’s cute. You look like a normal teenager when your cheeks flush bright red.”
“Eiji, stop that!” Ash buried his head in the blankets so he wouldn’t see him blushing again. Eiji just giggled again and gently messed up his blonde hair.
“I know that behind your poker face, there’s a kind person with a pure heart. You just went through too many hardships, suffering, and pain at such a young age. So, you set up a protective shield to protect yourself from more pain and to survive in your harsh world. I understand that.”
“But…” Ash began, but Eiji softly interrupted him.
“You could have just turned around and ignored my suffering and pretended not to notice it,” Eiji reminded him. “Especially if you didn’t know how to react, that would have been the easier choice.”
“I’d never do that to you!” he immediately exclaimed angrily, then immediately regretted it. In a softer voice, he said, “I can’t bear to see you in pain.”
“See? And that’s why you’re a good person with a kind heart.”, Eiji replied warmly, not fazed in the slightest by his outburst.
“Maybe you’re right… Thank you.”
Ash got up from his bed, planning to go back to his own bed. “I hope you sleep better this time. I’m always here for you if you need me.”
“Wait!” Eiji suddenly called out frantically, grabbing his arm before he could leave. His voice trembled with fear.
Ash immediately turned back to Eiji and sat down again.
“Eiji, what is it? Are you scared to go back to sleep? I know that the memories of nightmares can haunt you for a long time.”
“Yes, you’re right. I still see the images of that nightmare when I close my eyes. Can you do me a favor?” Eiji asked, the fear still lingering in his eyes.
“Anything you want,” he immediately replied and was rewarded with a small smile.
“Can you sleep next to me?” Eiji asked. “I know I’m a burden, but…” Eiji let the end of that sentence hang in the air.
“Eiji, you’re never a burden, ok? You’re the only good thing in my life, my glimmer of hope and my home. So, yes, I can do that for you.”
Ash slipped under the blanket beside him.
Eiji, come closer, ok? You know that your touch makes me feel safe. If I have a nightmare, I always sleep on your chest because listening to your heartbeat soothes me. Maybe it would help you, too.”
“But…”
Eiji, what did you dream about?” Ash asked carefully. “If you don’t want to tell me, that’s fine, but I’m here to listen.”
Eiji turned to him, and tears glistened in his eyes again. Ash hugged him, and Eiji sobbed quietly into his chest.
“Eiji, I’m sorry for bringing it up. Maybe we should just go back to sleep.
“I dreamed about you. You were fighting, and then, suddenly and out of nowhere, someone shot you in the forehead. I couldn’t warn or save you in time.”
“So, that’s why you feared my touch? You thought I was dead…”
“Yes, that’s my greatest fear —losing you.”
Ash looked directly into his eyes and removed some strands from his face.
“Eiji, don’t worry. That will never happen. I’m good at noticing my surroundings. Besides, I am motivated to survive now. I want to come back home to you.”
Ash wiped his tears away and smiled at him.
“Ash…” Eiji sobbed, but he was rewarded with a smile in return.
“Don’t worry, I’ll survive for you. You trust me, right?”
“Yes, of course, I trust you unconditionally. Always.”
As he had suggested, Eiji placed his head on his chest, one arm around him, and Ash covered them both with a blanket.
“Sleep well, Eiji,” Ash said, putting an arm around him, too.
Eiji, however, had already fallen soundly asleep and rested peacefully on his chest, a slight smile dancing on his lips.
Ash smiled and gently ran a hand through his black hair.
“No matter what evil might come your way, if it’s just a nightmare or something far more dangerous, I’ll always protect you, Eiji. Forever.”