Chapter Text
+1. Jamal Musiala
Jamal knew it was a crazy idea. But once it entered his mind, there was no turning back from it.
Wait.
He was getting ahead of himself, wasn't he? Every idea has a motivation behind it, right? So let's start with that.
Jamal had noticed that things had changed between him and Florian. The realisation didn't come all at once; it was more of a series of little moments that added up to one big realisation. Did that even make sense?
The first thing he noticed was that he'd begun to feel nervous around Florian. In the beginning, this scared him. He thought he'd unconsciously started to hate the other, which made no sense at all.
With time, though, he started to understand the feeling a bit better. It wasn't exactly that Florian was making him nervous. It was more like his feelings towards the other had been... heightened? Like for example, he was way more excited to meet Florian than he already used to be.
And whenever Jamal managed to make the other laugh or something, he felt a flutter on his stomach, like a relief from some strange sort of anxiety.
Unfortunately, though, the opposite was also true.
Jamal started to get afraid of flunking an interaction with him. Even a small thing, like a joke not landing as well as he'd expected, terrified him. Florian seemed to have picked up on his anxiety at some point, but he made no comments on it.
Although Jamal did notice that Florian had started to sometimes look at him with a weird look in his eyes. The easiest way he could explain it was by saying that it was like the other was searching for something: on his face, on his expressions, on his words.
Jamal had no idea what it was that Florian was searching for, but he was often scared of what would happen if he did or didn’t find it.
/\/\/\
The second thing that Jamal had noticed was that he was thinking a lot about Florian.
Whenever he heard a joke, he immediately wanted to pass it on to Florian; whenever he watched a film, he thought about what Florian would think of it; whenever anything happened to him, Florian was the first person he wanted to talk to.
Basically, everything reminded him of the other. At first he thought it was just a normal friendship thing; it's what Harry had told him, anyway.
Soon, however, things got way more complicated for Jamal. When Florian began to pop up in his mind as he was doing... other things.
Later, he'd take long, long showers, regretting every single image that his mind had conjured recently. That sort of stuff was normal, he'd tell himself. It happens to everyone, right? There was no need for him to over analyse it.
He tried his best to forget it, but it just kept happening and happening. Jamal noticed this, but couldn't understand it.
/\/\/\
A tangential thing that Jamal had realised was that there was a second type of change. One by one, all of the Bayern players had started acting differently around him.
It wasn't a stark change, mind you. His interactions and friendships had remained the same. But, just like with Florian, every once in a while he'd catch one of them looking at him in a way they didn't use to.
Unlike how it was with Florian, though, Jamal was better at interpreting these looks.
Leroy's looks were confident, like he knew something no one else did. Neuer's gazes were sometimes excited, but mostly contemplating. Thomas' stares were so excited, he sometimes looked downright anxious. There was always curiosity in Phonzy's peeks. Olise's glances were filled with surprise. So on and so forth.
Harry was the last to change. For a good while, he just acted around Jamal the same way he always had, no furtive glances or weird expressions to be seen. Jamal was thankful for this; it felt less scary to know that someone else also hadn't caught on to what was happening.
But he was able to catch the exact moment that Harry shifted.
It was when Jamal was telling some of the guys the story of how he and Florian had gotten lost on their way to a nightclub in Barcelona. He was trying to explain that the two of them ended up having to walk a few kilometers in the middle of the dark night, praying that they were going in the right direction (they weren't), but it was hard to speak when he was laughing that much.
Jamal paused to wipe away some tears that had started rolling down his face. It was a funny story, okay? He looked around at the guys, catching their reactions.
Olise and Phonzy looked happy, even though Jamal could see traces of curiosity and surprise in their expressions. But Harry...
Harry's face was serious, his eyebrows furrowed and his mouth pursed. He wasn't looking exactly at Jamal, but rather at some point behind him.
Jamal felt his own expression change. Shit, had he switched from speaking English to German in the middle of his story? He sometimes did that. Maybe Harry looked so thoughtful because he couldn't understand him.
"Everything okay, Harry?" Jamal asked before he could think it through.
Harry jumped when he heard his name, immediately snapped out of his thoughts.
"Yeah, go on." He said, motioning at Jamal's direction with his right hand.
Jamal finished the story, but he felt less excited than before now. He had few things to say (eventually he and Flo realised they were too far away from where they were supposed to be, and stopped at a fantastic shitty bar), and he told them quickly.
As he spoke, he tried to keep his eyes on Harry. The other seemed completely focused on his story. Almost like he was searching for something more in it. Jamal felt a pang of despair in his heart. Not you, too.
Just as Harry was opening his mouth to say something, Neuer appeared, and warned them that they'd all be late for the training if they didn't get changed soon.
As he put his training uniform on, Jamal realised that Harry had his eyes set on him. He pretended not to have noticed, even though he was terribly curious. What is this thing? he wanted to ask. What is this thing everyone but me notices?
Jamal stole a glance at Harry during a training pause. The other was staring at nothing, his eyes slightly wider than usual. Harry shook his head lightly, almost as if he was arguing inside his mind. He then looked to the side, and their eyes met.
Kane looked away quickly, but not quick enough. Jamal was able to get a look at his expression. Harry's eyes were filled with complete and utter realisation, like he'd finally been able to work out the answer to a question that had been bugging him
Jamal wished he could know at least what the question was.
/\/\/\
Lately, Jamal had been trying to ignore all of these changes. But it was just too hard, when it was happening all around him. Everyone had changed! All of the Bayern players changed. Many of the DFB ones had changed.
Florian had changed, too. He was a bit quieter these days, so much of his focus gone to his weird analytic looks.
Even Jamal had changed. He didn't fully understand it (he wished he at least knew why he had), but it was true. He had changed.
Attempting to find an answer to all of his troubles had proved useless: that had only made him feel more confused and upset.
But this opportunity was too good for him to let it pass.
Harry was acting normal right up until Jamal told his story; after that, he'd changed like all others had before. That meant it was his story that had changed things.
That night, alone in his apartment, Jamal retold the story over and over, but he couldn't find anything different in it. It was just a mundane story. A very fun story, sure, but deep down it was mundane.
He had told Harry countless of these Florian stories before. It wasn't like... it... it...
Jamal accidentally bumped his leg on a chair. He stopped pacing around the room and sat in it, his legs shaking.
His mind was racing fast. The story he'd told Harry involved Florian. That was fine. There was nothing wrong with that.
But... but...
Jamal tried to repel the thought that'd come to his mind. It was too absurd. Too scary.
He couldn't hold it off for long.
Most of these different looks I'm getting come when Florian is involved.
Countless situations came back to his mind: Olise's surprised eyes when he walked into the room as Jamal was facetiming Florian. The glint in Leroy's eyes when Jamal had showed him a picture of Florian he'd found really nice. The time Neuer had started to focus more on what Jamal was saying because Florian's name had popped up.
Thomas' thrilled smile when the DFB squad was training, and he asked the two of them to go to the dressing room to find his bag. Phonzy's endless questioning about Florian: how he was, what he liked, what he and Jamal did, etc. Harry's new look at training.
Jamal felt his own breathing accelerate.
It couldn't be. It just couldn't be.
He thought about the way that Florian had changed, then. That thing he was looking for... maybe it was...
It just couldn't be.
He thought about the way that he had changed. His sudden nervousness around Florian. His inability to stop thinking about him (even in not so appropriate contexts). The way that being around Florian had become even better recently. The way-
Jamal looked at his hands, and realised that they were shaking.
/\/\/\
Before Jamal could do anything about... that, there was one last thing he needed to do.
He needed to test it.
Because maybe he was being silly. Maybe he was looking too much into things. Maybe he was imagining situations that could never be the truth.
He needed to test it.
Jamal chose to do it right on the next day; he couldn't bear to wait any longer. He had barely even slept that night.
As he arrived at the dressing room, he bumped into exactly the person he was looking for: any of the guys.
Any of the guys happened to be Pavlo. Before Jamal could figure out a way to make this conversation about Florian (in order to watch his reaction), the other asked him a really weird question.
"So, what did Florian think of that song I showed you?"
He likes their old stuff, but he thinks the newest albums are the real deal. Jamal held in his answer, and instead asked a question in return.
"How did you know I showed him the song?" Jamal asked, feeling something weird in his stomach.
Pavlo furrowed his brows. "What do you mean?"
"I didn't tell you I was going to show him." Jamal tried to explain, hoping his tone sounded casual, and not insane like he was feeling. "How'd you know?"
Pavlo started laughing, but stopped when he realised it was a genuine question.
"Of course you were gonna show him!" He exclaimed, like Jamal was crazy for thinking otherwise. Maybe he was. "I mean, you guys are like... really close. You show him everything anyone mentions. So what did he think, then?"
Jamal felt his mouth dry, but he still managed to stutter out some words.
"He- he liked it." He mumbled.
The weird smile that had appeared on Pavlo's face disappeared.
"Is everything okay with you?" He asked. "You're weird today."
"Slept badly." Jamal answered. It was true, so he didn't feel as bad for saying it.
Pavlo pursed his lips, nodding sympathetically, and left him alone. Jamal walked to the bathroom as quickly as he could go without looking suspicious. He locked himself on one of the stalls and slided down to the floor, ignoring all sorts of hygiene rules.
...
Well...
...
Shit.
At least Jamal now knew that he wasn't imagining things.
Pavlo had immediately thought of Florian when he saw Jamal. He knew he had shown him the song. He seemed utterly shocked when Jamal questioned this.
All of those things were already proof enough, but Jamal's mind was stuck on one thing Pavlo had said.
(you guys are like... really close)
Pavlo had hesitated. It was quick, less than a second, but he had hesitated.
Jamal wanted nothing more than to find Pavlo again, grab him and shake him by the shoulders as he screamed:
What did you wanna say? What did you think about saying?
He wasn't gonna do that, of course, as he was both a) not crazy and b) too shy. But even if he didn't have this answer, he'd already seen enough.
It was safe to say that, all things considered, his realisation was probably even more correct than he'd thought. That soothed Jamal's anxieties a bit, at the same time as it worried him.
He had tested things out. So what did he do now?
/\/\/\
Now, back to the idea.
Okay, maybe idea was a bit of an oversimplification. It was more like a plan.
In Jamal's defense, he had some days off, and there was no one keeping an eye on him to stop him from doing something stupid. Actually, it was less stupid, more impulsive. He hoped.
Whatever it was, plan or idea, stupid or impulsive, Jamal knew one thing: he was going to do it.
He knew that when the idea first popped into his mind, some weeks after the conversation with Pavlo. He knew that when he packed a bag. He knew that when he boarded the first flight out to Leverkusen.
And now, as he neared the entrance of Florian's apartment building, he knew that. He was going to do it. Even if he was scared or nervous (he was both), he was going to do it.
He was going to talk to Florian. And tell him how he felt.
As soon as Jamal reached the entrance, the gate snapped open. He was surprised, but he still entered.
He went to talk to the doorman, feeling like he'd done something wrong.
"You're good, Sir." He answered. "Visiting Mr. Wirtz?"
Okay. So, apparently, Jamal went so often to Florian's apartment, that even the doorman knew. That was actually fucking hilarious.
"Yeah." Jamal answered, trying to hold in a smile.
"I'll warn him." The man said, hand already reaching for the phone.
"Wait!" Jamal immediately regretted how intense he'd just sounded. "Uh, sorry, but could you please not tell him? I want it to be a surprise."
The man just nodded politely, but Jamal noticed that the corner of his lips had lifted slightly.
Jamal wasn't sure if he was paranoid, or if truly everyone knew.
/\/\/\
"What a surprise it's gonna be." Jamal mumbled to himself inside of the lift, a short while later.
His stupid/impulsive idea/plan was either going to end incredibly well or unbelievably badly. Jamal really, really hoped it'd be the first.
Turning to look at himself in the lift's mirror, Jamal quickly adjusted his sweater and took some snow off his hair.
After avoiding it for a few seconds (damn, Florian lived on a high floor), he looked into his own eyes. Mirror-Jamal seemed scared, then confident, then afraid, and then happy. Non-Mirror-Jamal smiled at him until the lift's door opened.
Just as he was about to reach Florian's doorbell, Jamal paused his hand in mid-air.
He'd overlooked something. (Who could've thought?)
He had not checked whether or not Florian was even home right now.
Leverkusen players were also on a break. Maybe Flo was out on a vacation or something. Or maybe he is in there, but with someone else, a voice whispered in his ear. Jamal shuddered.
He pulled his phone out of his pocket quickly, but paused when he looked at the wallpaper. It was the picture of him and Florian that Leroy had taken, back on his birthday.
Jamal had loved that picture ever since he'd first seen it. Both of them posing to the camera, their heads tilted to the same side, Florian's excited smile. Jamal had loved that picture.
Now, looking back at it, he wondered how it could've taken him that long to notice things.
Not wanting to get any more distracted, Jamal quickly unlocked his phone and sent Florian a message.
Jamal:
hey dude
wyd?
He reread the message and cringed. Dude? Seriously? He was trying to confess his love for that guy, not treat him as just a friend.
Thankfully, Florian answered the message quickly, before Jamal could spiral any further.
Florian:
Not much
Playing Fifa at home
You?
Jamal was really glad that Florian had already mentioned he was home, since he was having a hard time figuring out how he could ask him that in a natural, casual way.
Breathing out deeply, he sent a message back.
Jamal:
c an we talk
?
He watched as Florian typed and erased his message a few times. Feeling his heart rattle in his chest, Jamal quickly locked his phone, and looked at his wallpaper.
I am going to do this, he promised. He wasn't sure if he was talking to himself, Florian, or no one, but it didn't matter. He was going to do it.
When he unlocked his phone, he saw Florian's message.
Florian:
A lways
Did something happen?
Jamal smiled at the sweetness of the first message, but the worry in the second wiped that smile off. He looked up from his phone, eyes now on the door.
Locking the phone with one hand, he rang the doorbell with the other.
Florian had a camera, right above his door. He always checked it before opening the door. Remembering this, Jamal turned and looked at it.
At first he thought about doing a silly pose, but he could not handle the thought of potentially looking like a bloody fool twice in the same day. He thought about ignoring the camera then, but that seemed weird.
Jamal heard Florian's steps on the other side of the door just as he settled on doing a normal pose. He was looking right at the camera, his left hand raised in a greeting. He hoped he was smiling.
Florian walked close, closer, and then stopped by the door. There was a second of complete silence, so loud it made Jamal's ears ring. And then...
He heard the sound of something, presumably Florian's phone, dropping to the floor. A cluster of other noises followed, and soon the door-
The door opened so fast, it startled Jamal. Him and Florian looked at each other for a second.
Florian was wearing a grey hoodie and black sweatpants. His short hair was messy, strands sticking out to every imaginable side. Overall, he'd never looked more huggable.
Florian's mouth was hanging open, his eyes so wide he looked scared. He blinked a few times, almost like he thought Jamal was a hallucination or something.
Jamal tried to laugh, but the sound came out a bit strangled.
"Hey, Flo." He said, not managing to speak anything louder than a semi-whisper. "I-"
He stopped talking when Florian suddenly walked forward, crossing the threshold of his door. Jamal barely had time to open his arms, before the other crashed onto him.
They were quiet for a second, both just enjoying the hug. But then Jamal heard Florian's voice, right next to his ear.
"Can't believe you stole my idea of flying out for a surprise." Florian teased. "Fucking copycat." He added, and Jamal swore he could hear his smile.
"Great minds think alike." Jamal simply said.
Florian laughed, a low sound that reverberated near his neck. Jamal felt his head a bit light.
"Missed you." Jamal couldn't stop himself from whispering.
"You're not the only one." Florian admitted. He pulled back from the hug, hands near Jamal's neck. After a second of silence, Florian patted his cheeks a few times, before stepping away. "Come on in."
Just as he was about to enter his house, Florian stopped dead in his tracks. Jamal bumped into his back.
Florian turned and looked at him. "Wait, how the fuck did you get in?"
"Parkoured all the way from Munich." Jamal commented as he entered the apartment and left his bag down. "Doorman left me in." He added after a beat.
"Ah!" Florian exclaimed, locking the door.
By habit, they went to Florian's room.
Even though they were already alone before, being alone inside of Florian's room felt different. The atmosphere got heavy, tension suddenly filling the air between them. Things had changed, and Jamal had a feeling (hope) that both of them knew why.
Desperate to find something to talk about, Jamal looked around the room. The TV was on, a Fifa game paused in it. Jamal thought he'd seen Bayern's logo, but Florian turned off the screen before he could be sure.
Feeling hot, Jamal took off his sweater, and put it over Florian's gaming chair. He turned back to look at the other.
Florian had his eyes focused on his left arm. Following his gaze, Jamal noticed that he was staring at the wristwatch. It'd been his favourite birthday gift by far, and he wore it more often than not.
"Jamu?" Florian said at the same time as Jamal said "Flo?"
Both of them laughed, and some of the tension dissipated. Florian pointed at him to go first.
"I..." Jamal began. He remembered his promise. I'm going to do it. "Flo, I wasn't lying in my message. There's something I wanna talk to you about." He admitted.
Even though they were on opposite sides of the room, Jamal could see Florian's jaw tense. "Did you come here because of it?" He asked a second later.
Jamal didn't say anything, and Florian just nodded a second later.
Florian then sat down on his bed, legs crossed, and patted the spot in front of him. Smiling shakily, Jamal quickly took off his shoes and got on the bed.
Silence encompassed them for a while. Jamal knew it was his turn to speak, but he didn't know where to start. He had planned a few speeches on his notes app during the flight, but all of those words escaped him now.
Should he start by explaining how he'd notice Florian had changed? Should he talk about how he had changed? Should he first mention the way the Bayern players had begun to act, and then transition to the rest of what he had to say? Should he-
Jamal looked into Florian's eyes, his beautiful eyes, and realised that all of those things he was thinking were superfluous. He would tell them later. He should go straight to what was most important.
"Flo, I like you." Jamal said. Okay, maybe a bit too straight to the point, but he couldn't take it back now.
Florian blinked many times quickly, his mouth hanging open. After a few seconds and some attempts, the Leverkusen player managed to get a word out.
"W-what?" That word could've scared Jamal, if he couldn't see Florian right now. If he couldn't see the smile that'd appeared on his lips. If he couldn't see the glint that'd appeared in his eyes. If he couldn't see the blush that coloured his face.
"I like you." Jamal said, feeling his voice coming out more confident on the second attempt. "I like you. As more than a friend, I mean!" He added quickly, like it wasn't clear enough already.
"Yeah, I like you, too." Florian said, and Jamal felt his head so light with relief he almost got dizzy. "As more than a friend."
Both of them laughed, short little nervous sounds. Florian then shook his head from side to side, in disbelief.
"I can't believe you came all the way from Munich just to tell me that."
His comment was stupid, so it was fair that Jamal's answer was even stupider.
"Well, it's not the only thing I wanted to do."
Florian laughed, and hit his left arm with his right hand. Jamal took the opportunity, and grabbed it.
Looking down at their joined hands, Jamal interlaced their fingers for a second. He looked up, smiling.
Later, Jamal would not be able to remember if he had asked, and Florian had nodded, or if it was the other way around. That didn't matter much. That was superfluous.
What mattered was: one of them asked, the other nodded, and both of them kissed.
The first kiss was truly more of a peck; both of them a bit hesitant, testing the waters. But then Florian cupped Jamal's face with both hands. With his eyes still closed, Jamal found Florian's neck with one hand, and his waist with the other.
The second kiss was definitely a step up. When they separated, Jamal needed to take a second to catch his breath. Florian laughed at him, even though he himself looked flushed.
By the end of the fourth or fifth kiss, Jamal was fully laying down on the bed, with Florian more or less straddling him. Jamal's hands were now inexplicably on Florian's hair.
Jamal broke the kiss. "Flo, I still have other things to tell you." He said, his voice hoarse.
The other hummed, kissing him one last time before pulling away. Florian's hands grabbed the hem of his own shirt. His hoodie had disappeared at some unspecified point. "Later?" He asked.
"Later." Jamal agreed, taking off his watch and throwing it at the nightstand.