Chapter Text
“What do you mean you don't know where he is?”
“Exactly what I said, Lewis, I don't know where he is. He left a voicemail last night at about 5am saying he was taking a different flight. What did you want me to do? Stop him? He was already gone when I found out.” Toto was talking to him like he was a child, and Lewis was not appreciative of it. “Even if he hadn't been, he's his own man. I'm not going to control everything he does, and you shouldn't either-”
“No one said anything about controlling him, okay? I'm just - worried. He didn't tell me anything, and now he's just gone. He's never acted like this before.”
“Lewis, as a married man-”
“Toto, me and George are not married.”
“Whatever, it is all the same. As someone who has been in a relationship for a long time now, you have to let him have some freedom. Yesterday wasn't a good result, for anyone, and if he needs to run off and be by himself, then that’s his own choice to make.”
“Yes, but running off with no explanation is my thing-”
“Trust me I am very aware of that.”
“Ignoring that. Running off with no explanation is my thing, not George’s. You have to understand why I'm worried.”
“I can understand why you're worried, I'm just trying to tell you, you don't have to be-”
“What are you boys arguing about now? Come on, we have a flight to catch.” Ah, and there Susie was. Lewis really enjoyed being around Susie, he was going to miss her next year. However, sometimes he did not enjoy being around her husband. Especially with recent events.
“Simply worried about George. That is all” Toto explained.
“Yes, you told me he would be missing from our flight today. No need to worry, Lewis, he'll be fine.”
“Except he only told Toto. I had to find out when I woke up to all my bags packed outside my door.” He didn't mention that it wasn't him who had found it. Didn't talk about how the person who had had almost tripped over them on her way out.
“Hm, that is strange. Did something happen?” At least Susie got it. Sometimes it was clear to see who was the smart one between her and Toto. Maybe he shouldn't voice that out loud about his boss, though.
“No. The only thing I can think of is I skipped out on our dinner last night, but he seemed fine with it. I told him beforehand. I just wasn't feeling up to going out after the race.” Again, neglecting to say the most important part of that story.
When he had cancelled, he really meant it when he said he didn't plan on going out. But then he received an invite to a club from someone he hadn't spoken to in a while, and one thing led to another, and maybe he wasn't as tired as he thought he was.
He hadn't meant to bring that girl back to the hotel. Hadn't meant to kiss her in the bathroom of the club, and the guilt was eating him alive. He'd had a lot to drink last night. Some new luxury liquor was being served, and who was Lewis to say no. It wasn't an excuse, but he knew he'd never have done it if he was sober.
Something was wrong with him last night. But it was a one-time thing. No one had to know. It wouldn't happen again. He was sure of it. He didn't know if he could handle it happening again.
Lewis really hadn't meant to do it. Hadn’t meant to do that to George. Knew that no matter how much alcohol he'd had, it didn't excuse it. He felt awful, but dwelling on it wasn't going to do any good. As long as no one found out it was fine. It would stay as a one time thing, and he would swear to himself to never do it again.
Except then he'd be lying. It wasn't a one time thing. It'd been happening for weeks. It was never the same person, that'd be too suspicious. He couldn't afford to fly someone out to every race. Well, he could, but someone would catch on eventually.
It only ever happened when he was drunk, when he was missing George. He always felt awful afterwards, but during it, it felt freeing. Like he wasn't attached to someone anymore. Like he was back in his late teens and early twenties, sleeping around and having fun. He still loved George, don't get him wrong, but sometimes it felt like he wasn't ready for a relationship.
He didn't want to be tied down. He wanted to feel like he felt when he was young. When he was a winner. Being with someone exclusively made him feel old. It made him feel like this was it. He was growing up, and he was never going to be able to go back to when he was winning championships.
Or maybe it was envy. Envy at George for still being so young. Maybe he wanted to get back at him for something he didn't know he'd done. Every single time he tells himself it's the last one. The last time he betrays what everyone thinks about him. The last time he betrays George. But it always happens again.
It all just goes back to yearning for the past. The first year of their relationship had been great. He'd been so in love. But maybe something changed. Maybe it was the team. He wasn't their first driver anymore. He'd signed with Ferrari. That meant George was getting the optimal strategies. He was being told to back off, but George was allowed to fight. It wasn't fair. No one could blame him for wanting to get a part of his youth back.
“He might be a little upset over that. It's probably that combined with the race. Don't fret over it too much. That boy adores you, he could never stay mad at you.” Susie tried to reassure him.
But maybe that's the problem. Maybe it's knowing the power he has. He knows George is absolutely smitten with him. Knows he used to feel the same way about George. He still does, it's just harder. He felt this way when he and Nico were battling. Maybe he just finds it difficult to love someone who's doing better than him.
Though, despite her best efforts, Susie's words make him feel even worse. Maybe if he hadn't done anything wrong, they'd make him feel better. If she knew what he'd done, what he'd been doing, she probably wouldn’t say it at all. Because, yes, historically George has never stayed mad at Lewis. He was never one for grudges. But now? This was something completely different.
If George found out, Lewis had no idea how he'd feel. Would he scream at him? Would he back off, resigned to the fate that maybe there was no fixing this? Lewis didn't want to find out. Lewis didn't want George to find out. Maybe if George yelled at him, screamed and told him all the things he did wrong, maybe then he could accept it. Lewis knew he wouldn't. This was going to be the last time. It doesn't matter how drunk he gets, this is it. Which is, of course, what he told himself every single time.
“You're right. I'll just try to give him the space he needs.”
“Who're we giving space to?” Asks Bono, who arrives with Shov at his side.
“George.” Toto informs.
“Speaking of, where is he?”
“Already left. Took an earlier flight.” It really did make Lewis wonder, though. Surely missing dinner wouldn't be enough for George to have to book an earlier flight? Nonetheless, he continued: “Before you ask, we've got no idea why.”
“At least we don't have to deal with the two of you. I see enough of your PDA in the garages anyways.”
They took off not too shortly after, with some others joining them. He didn’t recognise a few of them. Normally, he'd ask George, who'd tell him their names and what sector they worked in, but with the absence of him today, he was content to fall asleep with headphones in, rather than try to keep up false pleasantries with people he wouldn't even be working alongside next year.
Maybe that's another sign he’s not a great person. George seemed to know every member of staff to an almost personal degree. Lewis had a 50/50 chance of being able to name someone if you point them out to him. 25/75 if they weren't wearing a nametag.
Maybe the first sign was the fact he's been cheating on his boyfriend for over a month. Maybe the second was that, right now, with the security that no one knows, he doesn't feel as bad about it as he should. He feels guilty to a reasonable degree, but realistically, who is he hurting?
George doesn't know. It's not like he's been weird around him or anything. But as long as it remains just Lewis relieving some stress every now and then, maybe it's even healthy.
Then Lewis feels like one of those piece of shit boyfriends he used to make fun of from the Reddit stories. Used to mock them with his friends. Why would you ask for an open relationship? If you're unhappy, just leave. Maybe now he gets it. He doesn’t want to stop seeing George, but maybe he doesn’t want to stop seeing other people too.
Maybe... that's the third sign.
-
After dozing off for a few minutes, he feels a bit better. Everyone had been nice enough to leave him alone, clearly sensing he didn't want to engage in small talk beyond what was necessary on the ground. He has noticed though, since waking up, some of the unknowns - that is to say, the people he doesn’t recognise - are looking at him strangely.
If they're looking at him at all, that it. They seem strangely glued to their phones. Reading something interesting, apparently. Occasionally they spare a glance his way, the same strange expressions on their faces. Anger? No, there was nothing to be angry about. Maybe frustration. At the race. Probably nothing to be worried about, he wouldn't see these people for another few weeks. If they wanted to take their anger out on him, they could be Lewis’ guest.
Sometimes, they showed each other things on their phone. A few shocked gasps left their faces every now and then. Something really interesting then. Maybe someone had gotten a contract announced. Maybe they'd finally announced the new Mercedes driver for next year. That would explain Lewis’ involvement.
He decided to pull out his phone, curious as to what was going on. If it was that riveting, something was probably going viral. He thanked god for wifi on planes, and opened up Twitter on his secret account.
His heart instantly dropped. Unlike the anger of his colleagues, his expression showed nothing but horror. Sheer horror.
Someone found out. Someone had pictures. There were articles. This had gone viral.
He looked around the plane, trying to gauge who had been on their phones in the last half hour, and who was still unaware of the major scandal they were about to endure. So far it seemed like only the people he didn’t know had figured it out. But he knew it couldn't be long before they either told someone else, or everyone else found out on their own.
He was suddenly hyper aware of everything going on. He felt the plastic of his phone case in his fingertips, the leather plane seat he was currently sinking into, the seat belt digging into his waist, the eyes still on him. Realistically, he knew he only had another half an hour of plane ride before he could escape, but what about until then. Maybe he could get away with it for right now, but there was no way Toto wouldn't check his phone in the next ten minutes. And if not, he'd immediately get back to business as soon as they landed.
So here he was, thirty thousand feet off the ground, trapped in a metal tube, with some of his closest friends and co-workers surrounding him, and he was going viral for all the wrong reasons. He’d been so careful. They couldn't find out. Not here, not now. Not ever. But if ever, not while he was trapped in the sky with them.
And suddenly, his mind came up with perhaps the most childish idea he’d ever had. Go back to sleep. No one would bother waking him. Hopefully they'd be too disgusted to even touch him. Look at him. Maybe they'd see him and recognise him as someone they thought they knew but truly didn't. After all, wasn’t that all he was?
With a deep breath, and the knowledge that this was the only way out, he put on the calmest piano music he could find, and closed his eyes. Even if sleep never befell him, he'd be able to pretend, just for the sake of it.
-
He did manage to sleep eventually, it seemed. Because he was waking up right now, to an empty plane. They’d clearly landed not long ago, as the flight attendant seemed to still be waiting. She’d probably been informed to wait until he woke up on his own and then finish up. He didn’t have to wonder why they’d not woken him up, he just had to hope the flight attendant hadn’t been waiting too long.
He got up from his seat, groaning as his joints popped, age was really wearing him down. For the first time, the lady who’d been waiting for him looked at him. When she saw he was awake, she immediately scowled. Someone he didn’t even know, judging him.
“My husband cheated on me after 5 years of marriage. I threw all his shit out onto the lawn and burnt it. I don’t regret it one bit. I really hope you understand the gravity of your actions. You deserve everything that’s coming to you.”
With that, she opened the door, grabbed her bag, and left. He was so fucked. He didn’t even want to look at his phone, knowing people would accuse him of things he wasn’t guilty of. He could already see the headlines. It was never supposed to go public. He knew he got lucky the first time he did it, knew he probably shouldn’t have pushed his luck. Maybe he should’ve quit while he was ahead, not gone on to do it again.
He got out of his seat, not wanting to be in here any longer, before walking down the aisle and then down the stairs into the warm air of noon. The flight attendant stood at the bottom, still glaring daggers into him. Someone he didn’t even know.
–
Leaving the airport was a nightmare. He had flown private to avoid people, but, as always, people had still managed to find him. Instead of the usual praises and asks for his signature and a selfie, it was people keeping their distance and giving him odd looks. It seemed the news had reached everyone by this point. When he’d gotten into the car he’d ordered, even the driver seemed aware of who he was, and, more importantly, what he’d done.
The comfortable leather seats did nothing to comfort him from the glares he was receiving in the rear-view mirror. Running his fingers along the stitches, he found himself glad that the car was in good condition. Of course, he had expected nothing less. What he did not expect, was that the driver was going to start talking.
“You’re a legend, dude. 7 time World Champion.” He sensed a very big ‘But’ “So why’re you doing this shit? My little sister got cheated on. Worst time of her life. Cried herself to sleep for two weeks straight. My room was right next to hers and I could hear her every time. I just hope you know what you did and how you hurt him. There will be consequences for this, and you’re going to deserve every single one.” Lewis was locked in a car with this guy, and began to regret everything.
Maybe he should’ve had more regrets beforehand, maybe that’s how he got into this situation. Not regretting his actions enough.
“Hearing my sister cry broke my heart. Only thing that mended it was hearing the guy who cheated on her got beat half to death by some guys she knew. People are going to hear George cry, and those same people will rejoice when you get what’s coming to you. 7 time World Champion or not.”
Lewis never acknowledged what the driver said. The rest of the ride was silent, and he kept his eyes firmly on the ground, until the end where Lewis said goodbye and handed him some cash. The walk up to his apartment was worse than the walk back to George’s hotel room after another one of his escapades, at least then no one knew. He was filled with shame, and he completely deserved it. No one was supposed to know. It wasn’t supposed to be like this.
Everyone was being so awful to him. He had barely glanced at his phone since waking up, but it kept going off. People kept messaging him and they wouldn’t stop. Eventually he caved and put it on silent. He never wanted it to be like this. But for him, George and their relationship had felt near suffocating in the past few months. This was supposed to be the way that everyone stayed happy. It wasn’t supposed to hurt anyone.
–
When he got into his apartment, into the peace and quiet of his own space, all he felt was relief. The narrow escape from the plane was perhaps the only good thing to come out of today. If he had had to handle another of Toto’s disappointed glares, while simultaneously being lectured by him, he probably would’ve felt a lot worse right now than he does. He should actually still feel a lot worse than he does right now.
Some fucked up part of him is relieved. Not from being back in his own home, though that does help, but relieved that George finally found out. Now George could burst through the door, screaming at him and demanding that he listen. Every single time he went out with someone he really should not have gone out with, the best part of his night was after it had happened. The silence he sat in, waiting. He would beg that this would be the night that George found out.
Lewis used to think of all the horrible things that George could say to him. Then he thought of all the different things he did to deserve them. Then he thought of all the different things George did not too.
It broke his heart every time he woke up, undisturbed, and ready to sneak out of a room he himself had paid for. Knowing that he’d go home to George, and that he’d have to keep a secret. Maybe underneath all he was was a child acting out for attention. But things had been so.. Dull. He needed excitement. He yearned to hear awful words come out of George’s mouth. Needed to hear the things he deserved, needed to know that George still cared.
And, maybe that was it. He just wanted George to care. But George hadn’t sent a single message. He hadn’t lashed out online. And he certainly hadn’t called him any of the mean things he deserved to be called.
Of course, as most things in his life go, he was interrupted before the thought could go any further. By his phone ringing. Which shouldn’t be happening considering his phone was supposed to be silenced. If it was ringing it meant that one of three people whose calls and texts would go through his ‘Do Not Disturb’ setting was trying to reach him. He knew it was George. It had to be. So, he prepared himself to hear what he craved. He was ready for the end, and he was ready to regret it for the rest of his life.
“Lewis?”
“Sebastian?” So, it probably wasn’t George.
“You are so insanely moronic, it really makes me have to think about how you won those 7 championships.”
“Ok.” So, it definitely wasn’t George.
“When I saw the first article this morning I thought ‘woah, this is crazy the amount of stuff they’ll make up to try and hurt you.’ and then I saw the second, and the third. And then I saw the fourth, and the fifth. And, I thought ‘wow, this is going much more viral than most rumours, but I know Lewis, he’d never do that’. Way to prove me wrong, because after that, I got curious, and I dug. I wish I hadn’t. I wish I hadn’t had to be confronted with the fact that one of the best people I know is actually just a piece of shit.”
“Sebastian - please, just-”
“Shut up. You know I love you Lewis, more than most people I know. But I also know George. Which means that I know there is someone out there who loves you more. And that someone is one of the kindest, most pure-hearted people I have ever known. And you do this. You go and completely fuck it up.” Maybe he hadn’t been as ready to be yelled at as he thought. It just hurt to hear. Actually, Sebastian wasn’t even yelling. He was just… talking.
“Sebastian, I promise I really-”
“Still not done. You took the best thing that had ever happened to you, and completely destroyed it. You’ve wrecked it. It’s done, and it is finished. I really hope you realise what you’ve done. Because yes, you’re Lewis Hamilton 7-time World Champion. But, George is George Russell, one of the best men I’ve ever known, someone who has always stood up for everyone, and someone who does not fucking deserve this. You don’t get to break his heart after everything he’s done for you. You do not get to take what you two had and just spit all over it and pretend it meant nothing.”
“Please don’t say had.”
“Well what else am I supposed to say? Am I supposed to believe that George is going to forgive you? After all this, you think he will? Yeah, maybe he is kind, but you’ve really pushed it far this time. You’re going to be lucky if he lets you shine his fucking shoes.”
“It was only once! It was a mistake, and I know-”
“‘It was only once!’ he says. Once is way too many times, Lewis. Even if it was ‘only once’ as you put it, you still did it. And in doing so, told George he wasn’t enough. And now the whole fucking world knows. Now, George thinks that the entire world thinks that he wasn’t enough. You know he had fucking issues going into your relationship. How many times did he cry to you, in your arms, telling you that all he wanted to be was enough for you?”
“I didn’t-. Does he really still think he’s not enough?”
“Well no one had been able to talk to him, Lewis. He’s more unreachable than you right now. But are you seriously asking that? What else is he supposed to think? Yes, maybe you comforted him all those times, told him he was enough and that you’d always think he was enough. But what about now, hm? You say one thing, and then do a 180 and show something completely different with your actions.”
After that it was silent. Lewis didn’t want to say anything, Sebastian seemed to be done for the moment.
“Listen, call me later when you need someone to help you clean up your own fucking mess. But understand that I won’t be doing it for you, I’ll be doing it for poor George, who’s all alone right now, in pain that you caused.”
And then, he was alone, again. And he didn’t know what to think. That didn’t make him feel any better. Not like it was supposed to. He was supposed to hear what a piece of shit he was, and do better. He hadn’t realised that this was permanent now. He didn’t think of how this would have actual, real, consequences. It made him feel worse, knowing that George was probably all alone now too. Because of Lewis.
He had never felt the need to hold him more. But he didn’t get to do that anymore. There were a lot of things he wouldn’t get to do.
Then, suddenly, hope. Another call. Another call from someone on that short three person list. It wouldn’t be Sebastian again. That meant George was finally calling, for real this time. It was perfect, he finally realised what he was actually doing, and he felt ready to take on the world. He was no longer ready for it to end, but ready for it to start.
“Hello? George?”
“Now why the fuck would George be calling you, you self-centered prick.”
He hung up the call.
Why would George be calling him? Right. Why would George be calling him. George wasn’t the type to lash out. He was the type to pull the strings behind the scenes. Read every single word of the manual and exploit every single misspelt word. George would stew in silence until he either accepted defeat, or came to a conclusion on what to do. He almost never accepted defeat. Today might be different.
The phone rang again. If he wasn’t going to get yelled at by George, and he wasn’t going to get yelled at by Sebastian, just a short, stern, talking-to, maybe he could still get yelled at by someone. If someone actually screamed at him, instead of just talking with a strong undertone of disappointment, maybe that would help.
“What the fuck is wrong with you, Lewis?”
“Nice to hear from you too, Nico.” Nico, whom Lewis hadn’t spoken to in several months at this point, was calling him. Willingly. For the first time in years.
“Fuck off with all that, you know what I’m calling for. Who I’m calling for.”
“Yeah, I do. Sebastian just called me, too, actually. Go ahead, tell me how I ruined everything and how I ruined us.”
“Sure, but if you want to hear about how you ruined us, then you’re sorely mistaken. Don’t take credit for things you didn’t do on your own, ever hear of teamwork?” Lewis was stunned at that, Nico was surprisingly calm so far, a stark contrast from what he had been expecting. It made him mad. “We ruined us, Lewis. Not one of us was solely to blame. But yeah, you did ruin you and George. That was all you.”
“Thanks for telling me everything I already knew, are you done?”
“No, I’m not. You took the one nice thing you had going for you, decided it wasn’t enough, and kept chasing more. So let me ask you this, was it good?” In his silence, Nico spoke again. “Let me ask you this: did it feel good when you were out there fucking someone else while George was waiting for you at home?” Lewis, again, did not say anything.
“Well? Fucking answer. That’s usually how this goes.”
“Yeah, it did. It actually did feel pretty fucking good, felt freeing. All my worries went away. Is that what you want to hear? Do you want to hear all the details too? Talk about how I always went back to George and lied through my teeth, you want to hear about how awesome it felt to stop denying myself and just take what I want?”
“No. That’s actually not the answer I want. But what the fuck do you mean ‘always’ don’t fucking tell me it happened more than once.”
“Ok, it didn’t happen more than once”
“Are you genuinely fucking stupid? You’re telling me it happened multiple fucking times? What the fuck Lewis?”
“Yeah, 11 times. Are you fucking happy? Happy to hear that I fucked up?”
“Oh, Lewis.” Nico’s voice was sickeningly sweet, so different from earlier. It was as if Lewis had been submerged in ice cold water. “Fuck you. Don’t act like I’ve been out to get you. I stopped wishing the worst upon you as soon as I retired. I was so fucking happy for you when you and George announced your relationship. I was so god damned happy you were getting someone who deserved you. Because he did, at the time. You were both so happy. I remember seeing you together in person the first time and I swear to you I cried in my hotel room afterwards.”
“Nico..”
“I wasn’t upset, I was relieved. Things were finally working out for both of us at the same time, for the first time in years. So what happened? Please, Lewis. Why?”
“I don’t know”
“Please don’t give me that bullshit, Lewis. We know each other better than that don’t we?”
“I really don’t know, Nico. You know I love him, right? I didn’t do it because I don’t love him, because I do. I love him so fucking much. I need you to know that.” For the first time in a while, he was crying.
“I know that. Does he?”
“I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore Nico. It was getting so bad.”
“What was?”
“The racing. It’s the worst it’s been since us in 2016. I thought me and George would be fine because we were in 2022, fine, that is. He beat me then, and yeah it didn’t feel great, but I didn’t care. But now I do, I guess.” He paused to take a breath. “I guess I realised I’m not getting any younger. I felt trapped in that damn car. My last few opportunities to win, gone. And I know it’s the car, and I know it’s the team. But.. I don’t know. I guess I started to feel like George was the one who was stealing from me.”
“Lewis, he’s not me.”
“I know that. But I started to feel so trapped in every single way. Everywhere I went, I was trapped. I want freetime? Too bad, I have sponsorship obligations. I want to get a little drunk? No, you have a race tomorrow. So, when the opportunity arose the first time, it felt good. I knew I shouldn’t do it, but it was so easy to keep a secret. And it’s not like George would fuss about me missing movie night the way Toto would if I missed anything important at work.”
“So, you felt trapped, and it was the only way you could get free. Clearly not that easy to keep secret, by the way.”
“Yeah, figured that one out.”
“How many times.”
“What?”
“How many times did it happen?
“Why do you want to know?”
“I want to know if it’s salvageable.”
“Eleven.”
“What?”
“...Eleven.”
“No, I heard you.” It sounded like Nico was about to go back to screaming any second. Lewis had already figured out that he deserved it. “Eleven times. Huh. That’s so many more than I thought it would be. Was it the same person?”
“No, it was always different people.” Lewis didn’t know if that was better or worse.
“I don’t know if it’s salvageable.”
“Yeah, me neither.”
“Listen, Lewis?”
“Nico?”
“I’ll call you later, okay? I just… need to think for a little bit.”
“Ok.”
“I’m not on your side.”
“Yeah, I got that.”
“But I’m still here for you, ok?”
And he hung up.