Chapter Text
After seeing the tears running down your cheeks I felt the world collapsing, I didn't want to do this to you, it's the last thing I wanted to achieve by ending the story we both had created. I tried to take your hand but when I saw you pull away I knew we could never go back to what we once were. The loving look in your golden eyes full of stars was now only filled by the pain and suffering of the situation.
Sorry, forgive me for everything I caused you, I couldn't help it, I wanted to protect you from this, I wanted to protect our relationship but it just happened, when I entered the college and saw those green eyes the feeling that grew in my chest I could never stop it.
From a few days followed weeks and turned into months, seasons passed and I was always accompanied by my friends, I left you alone. I didn't know if Hyuna contacted you or if Hyun-Woo now took my place by your side. I watched Till now, watched his eyes roam the cold snowflakes falling outside the window, his school uniform and the leaves held in his hands, my heart raced every time I spent time with him.
I watched his eyes roam the cold snowflakes falling outside the window, his school uniform and the leaves held in his hands, my heart raced every time I spent time with him.
When I confessed and started a relationship with him I felt my chest full of happiness, the season changed and already so fast the snow was starting to melt, the days I spent at Till's house were wonderful but I didn't feel the familiar warmth that a memory from the past produced for me.
Till's replies and strange treats always made me laugh, I felt it was natural for your partner to avoid public displays of affection, so I let it go, I loved him too much. The first birthday I spent with Till I remember receiving a sweater, it was my now boyfriend's gift, I smiled so much that day and it became my favorite item of clothing, there wasn't a day I didn't wear it.
On class days I would share a seat with Till and spend time holding his hand or looking at his profile.
Mizi was very beautiful, she was kind and smiling, she was always a great friend and Sua liked her. I could understand why, she always dazzled the place when she walked in and everyone liked her. Belatedly I realized that Till had fallen for her as well.
We always went for a walk three or four times a week or stayed at Till's house watching movies, suddenly those became one every two weeks, my boyfriend had no time because he was helping Mizi, whenever she needed something he would run to help her even if in the process he had to leave me alone in the park. I couldn't blame Mizi, she was studying music and Till was very talented with it.
One day I met Sua, she looked happy, full. I knew she and Mizi were dating a while ago and it made me happy that my childhood friend got someone who loved her with the same intensity. When I told her how I felt I couldn't help but cry, she was attentive and helpful, it was rare to see Sua behave that way but I appreciated it a lot.
—Ivan, you have to tell him all this.—Sua blurted out and my blood froze, I knew Till hated insecurities and would hate me even more if Mizi was involved in that.
—Sua, I can't.—My trembling hands moved away from my face and rested on the table holding my coffee.
After that day the group outings started, Sua wanted to help me improve my relationship with Till so she was trying to get us to go as a double date. The places we went to eventually ended up with Mizi and Till in front while Sua and I shared space. Mizi always included Sua in everything, whether it was topics of conversation, gifts or photos, different from Till who seemed to forget that I also existed.
On the last outing it was very cold and Sua had fallen ill, still Mizi wanted us to accompany her to get medicine for her girlfriend, the pharmacy and Sua's house were quite far away but we still walked there. That night the wind was blowing very hard and the cold started to make its presence felt, Till was wearing a sweater similar to mine and although Mizi tried to include me in their conversations I always ended up a few steps behind them.
I looked at my boyfriend and I could see that the glow in his eyes was blinding, I didn't know his face could shine so much, I had never seen him put that expression with me. After a while Mizi started to shiver and Till offered her his sweater as he hugged her shoulders so she wouldn't get cold. Mizi took the gesture as friendly and kept chattering while I felt my chest tighten and looked at my boyfriend's arm around another girl's shoulders.
For Till I was not priority, he was always ahead Mizi and Sua knew about that. I felt I reached my limit after seeing how every time we went out he talked about Mizi, I was supposed to be his boyfriend, his partner but I felt like just another friend.
—Till, I want to finish.
I stopped my steps while I saw how your back tensed after moving a few steps forward until I stopped in my tracks.
—What the fuck, Ivan?
—I want to finish. Listen, you always talk about Mizi, you stand me up for her and I feel like we're not even boyfriend and girlfriend anymore, I feel like just another friend.
—Ivan, Mizi needs my help! You can't be complaining to me about that.
—It's not just that Till!
—Don't say any more! Mizi needs me-
—I need you too! I'm not your friend or your companion, I'm your boyfriend.... I'm your boyfriend!
I felt a smack on my cheek and then another, I pushed her body away and pulled away as my cheeks burned.
—You know what!? Do what you want!
I watched as Till walked away until he was lost in the crowd of people. My vision blurred as the tears began to roll. I covered my face and went back to my apartment, I cried a lot that night and Sua's calls to my cell phone kept ringing.
I had to change schools and cities, I went back to where I had lived in the past and reset the name on all my accounts, my relationship with Till had made me change usernames and photos. It was a new beginning, I had to put everything aside and move on.
My heart still hurt and months went by where I went out in the evenings to buy alcohol to cope with the weight on my chest. One night I decided to go to a club, I was so tired when suddenly I felt a tap on my shoulder, I turned around and I could recognize Hyuna, she had grown so much that there was almost no difference in our heights, with the slight difference that I was taller.
—Ivan? What a coincidence.—She smiled at me as he put his arm around my shoulders and we approached the bar.
All that night we talked and reminisced about old times. There were funny memories, embarrassing ones and some that were a blur.
The next day we got together, we were a little hungover but morning coffee always made the headache better.
—I still remember when we went out with Luka to this coffee shop and we had to change his order because it tasted so bitter.-She let out a laugh as my heart raced as I heard your name again.
How could I have forgotten? Many memories came to my mind and I smiled wistfully, I missed your presence, maybe it sounded crazy but coming back to this city made me remember everything we had lived and the feelings I thought were dead. I was still in the process of getting over Till but every day the wound he had caused me hurt less and less.
-Yes... That day we had to give the order to Hyun-Woo by pretending we had bought it for him.
Hyuna's raucous laughter echoed through the establishment as she held her stomach at the memory. I smiled as I saw that things really hadn't changed around here, she would always remain too kind.
-By the way, Hyuna...—My friend's face relaxed and a grimace formed on her pretty face.
-What do you want to know?—She snorted from her coffee as she stared at me.
My body tensed and I fiddled nervously with my hands. I didn't know how to say it and felt very embarrassed.
—How is Luka?
-Ah, about that...—She let out a sigh as he scratched the back of his neck tiredly.—He's fine, although he's still pretty sore from what happened.
I was surprised to hear it, it had been quite some time since our breakup and there I realized that really the one who always loved a lot was you, my chest was filled with sadness for having left you alone.
-Do you think..?—Hyuna raised her hand and shook her head.
—Look Ivan, I know you want to apologize for everything but after what we talked about the other night, I don't think it's the best idea to meet Luka right now.
— Why?
—Are you not seeing yourself? You're trying to get over a relationship, I'm sorry but if you're going to get close to my friend it's going to be when you've healed completely. You don't know how hard it was to get him out of bed after you left.— She repeatedly denied as I watched her cross her arms.
Hyuna was right, I couldn't go back to Luka's life as if nothing had happened, much more so because I was still dealing with my breakup with Till. I sighed and tilted my head to the window.
—So... Just give me updates on how he's doing, let me heal completely and I'll come around again.
I watched as Hyuna narrowed her eyes as she sipped the last of her coffee.
—Listen to me, Ivan. Luka is not someone you can be with after you've been dumped, okay? He suffered a lot and until you clear your feelings I won't let you near him, not even to say good morning to him.
I watched as he pulled out his wallet and left the money on the table as he walked out the door of the establishment, she motioned to me and I looked at the napkin in front of me. It was her phone number and I quickly added her to contacts.
The first few times I tried to get over Till were difficult, there were relapses and I wanted to dial him so badly, I didn't know anything about him anymore and that was the best thing, I was still in contact with Sua and she understood everything as soon as I told her.
As the days and months passed my heart could finally beat without pain. The happiness of knowing that the conversations and photographs with Till no longer felt oppressive and only a feeling of affection remained made my life begin to have more color. I began to study and work, I was now living for myself.
One morning I woke up and went out to the balcony of my apartment, I stretched as I felt the morning breeze on my face, I took a deep breath and when I exhaled I felt so much peace. Today would be a good day.
I got ready for class and looked at the message Hyuna had sent me a few minutes ago. It was her at your house as I watched you cook and it reminded me of days like these when it was cold and I would wake up to the smell of the pancakes and hot chocolate you were making. I smiled and answered.
The day went on as normal, I had a feeling of foreboding and I couldn't let go of the excitement building in my chest, I didn't know why. In the evening I left the part-time job I had and headed to the cafeteria where we were going to have dinner, I remembered the nights when we went out and our hands were intertwined while with your short legs you tried to match my steps looking like a little soldier because of how small you looked next to me. I smiled and as I opened the door to the cafeteria the smell filtered through my nose and as I wanted to pass I bumped my shoulder against someone.
I looked down and could make out your curls, as pretty as rays of sunshine and as delicate as fine strands that looked like doll's hair. Smelling your distinctive scent again my body acted on instinct and grabbed your wrist.
—Luka?
I saw your eyes resume the blinding glow I thought I had left behind, your eyes looked like constellations, so bright, beautiful and unique that I felt my breath shorten.
—Ivan...
I heard my name leave your lips and a smile spread across my face, I understood that it really was always you, it should always have been you.