Chapter Text
Waking up after passing out was always a struggle. Nao would wake, half lucid, stuck in a dream state. He’d stare off for hours, though it always felt like days, trying to remember what happened before he blacked out.
Today was no different. As he entered his groggy phase and the bright lights above his eyes blinded him. There was a ringing in his ears that was slowly fading. The world around him seemed calm and warm.
“Enough!”
With a yell and a thump, the room filled with shouting voices.
“Get off me!”
“ I get it!”
“No, you don’t!”
“ You didn't know!”
“Let go!”
“ But you fucking could have talked to me!”
Nao knew those voices. The first was Yuu, and the second…
“ How hard it is to ask if I knew a boy named Nao from when I was in the hospital? You have no idea, none! ”
There was a break, followed only by silence.
Everything was sore: his body, mind; even his soul. But Nao had to know for sure. Forcing his eyes open, he found an unfamiliar drop ceiling above him. Swiveling his head to the side, he saw a curtain surrounded him. It had conveniently not been pulled to its end.
Next to the bed on which Nao laid, in the small room that he began to recognize as the nurse’s office, stood Souta. Distraught and disheveled, the man was holding his breath. Nao could see the tears that threatened to fall and hear the sobs that hung at the back of his throat as he talked.
“Years. I spent years in regret, with only the hope of someday seeing Nao again. But all this time, he's been fighting to remember that I even existed.”
Fighting? Nao thought, a strange pride filling his chest. I've been fighting?!
The room went quiet again. Slowly taking in the scene, Nao found that Souta, as breathtaking as always, was in the middle of the room. He had one arm stretched in front of him, a death grip on the collar of Yuu's shirt.
Yuu looked angry and hurt. He glared at Souta, but Nao knew that look meant he blamed himself. It was the same face he had made after the purge of the muse.
Nao pulled in a sharp breath. Yuu actually feel bad? Did he… did he really know about Souta? How? Why didn’t he tell me?!
The makings of a blackened mark was forming on the right side of his face. Yuu had definitely been punched at least once. It seemed to have missed his eye mostly. Remembering that Souta and Yuu had been locked in and ready to battle, Nao was sure Souta was responsible for that.
Souta was responsible? The idea seemed ludacris. But there he was, right next to Nao. This isn’t another dream, right?
Ryu was gripping Yuu's arm, his expression so grave, Nao could barely recognize him. He looked guilty and scared. Emotions Nao had never seen in him before.
And in a chair, just on the other side of the bed curtain, sat Yuki. His large smile was replaced with one of sorrow and regret. Nao had never seen his head hung so low.
Nao was desperate to understand.
“Maybe no one is at fault,” Yuki spoke quietly, as he pulled on the curtain, giving Nao a better view of those that waited for him. “Maybe there wasn’t a way to avoid this.”
“But seven years of being told you were delusional?” Souta grumbled, shoving Yuu aside. “Having people repeat to you over and over that something, you so clearly remembered, never actually happened? That would drive anyone insane.” He rubbed the tears from his eyes. “I ended up being a curse to him, rather than his hope.”
“What the hell!” Yuu suddenly yelled. “Why the fuck are you so obsessed with each other?!”
“Yuu!” Ryu retorted. “Would you just…”
“What?! He's as crazy as Nao! How long could you have possibly known each other before…”
Souta stood up straight. He was taller than Yuu by a few centimetres, and quite another few taller than Ryu, who had stopped growing before entering university. It was clear Souta knew how intimidating his height could be.
“I don’t want to hear anything else from you two,” Souta grunted, turning to face the wall.
This isn’t right. Not at all! Desperate to move, Nao found himself frozen in fear. This can’t be a dream too! But how do I know? What would it take for me to believe it’s real? How will I ever know what's true?
“Listen, Ueshima.” Yuu sighed. “We only understand as much as you do. This hasn't been easy. Not for any of us.”
“Nao more than anyone,” Souta spat back in Yuu's face.
Before anybody had a chance to speak again, the door to the room opened.
“This is them,” Ren’s voice came from the doorway. “Thank you so much.”
His arms were starting to regain function, but Nao still couldn't pull himself up so he could see the door. The curtain was pulled gently again, giving him more of a view, but still leaving him somewhat hidden. Yuki glanced back, his endless eyes burning with mischief. Before Nao could register it, though, the room erupted again.
As soon as the door was closed, Ren's hands had seized the front of Yuu's shirt. “What the hell did you do this time?!”
Ren was now the same height as Souta, his dark brown hair longer than when Nao last saw him. Long enough that he had it tied back with an elastic into a very short ponytail. He had a new ear piercing too, a black hoop over the tip of one ear. Other than that, he was still his old self. Tall, lean and formidable.
Looking down over his angled nose, Ren's long fingers tightened as he pulled Yuu close. “I swear to god, Sawada; if you pulled something like the purge again…”
Yuki bounced slightly in his seat. Why is he excited all of a sudden? Nao couldn't see his face, but somehow knew he was smiling.
“Ren, stop!” Ryu desperately pulled at Ren's hands.
“No, I won’t!” Ren yelled back, now turning on Ryu. “I can’t leave anything to you two!”
“Ha!” Yuu laughed while simultaneously pushing Ryu to the side as gently as he could, so he was out of harm's way. “You left the country two years ago! Don’t you dare act all high and mighty. This whole time, we've been here dealing with everything. Where the fuck were you?!”
Ryu glanced between them. “Please, stop, you guys. This won't solve anything!”
Ignoring everyone around them, Ren pulled Yuu closer until their faces were only an inch away from each other, grimacing. “Give me one good reason not to punch you right now.”
“‘Cause I already did.”
Souta’s voice seemed to instantly break the tension. Nao noticed he had collected himself enough to stand tall once again. His eyes were narrowed at Ren in suspicion. “That, and we have a soccer game tonight. He needs to be able to see at least.”
Ren, on the other hand, had the opposite reaction. Having finally acknowledged Souta, his grip on Yuu weakened. Yuu pulled away while he could.
“Souta?” was all Ren managed to say
Now Souta looked confused. “That’s me.”
Ren turned a deathly pale. “How?”
“How?!” Yuu nearly screamed. “How do you know his name?”
Still in a haze, Ren replied, “Nao told me.”
This made Souta smile. Nao could see a warmth spread over his cheeks, turning them a light pink. “Did he now?”
Ren frowned while assessing the room. When he found Yuki, his gaze became even more intense than it had been when he saw Souta.
“W-what is happening?” Ren asked quietly, his eyes flicking from Yuki to Souta rapidly. “Have I started hallucinating too?” His gaze fixed on Yuki again, completely gobsmacked. “Are you an angel?”
“Me?!” Yuki sounded shocked.
“You’re too beautiful to be real,” Ren blurted out. His face showed how out of his mind he was at the moment, but there was a sparkle in his eyes as he looked at Yuki.
I knew it! Nao’s mind raced with ideas of how to rub this into Ren's stubborn face later. For a moment, he completely forgot where he was and why, choosing to focus on the love struck eyes of his best friend instead.
The room went quiet for a beat.
“Seriously?” Yuki laughed. “That's one hell of a pick up line!”
Ren’s eyes widened, as though he was slowly realizing that Souta and Yuki were, in fact, real. He blinked many times, his cheeks blushing furiously.
“Oh my God!” he cried. “I-I’m sorry… I—” He seemed to struggle to find the words.
Things got loud again, as Yuu started laughing as well. Hearing the sound, Ren suddenly was back to threatening him. Ryu was again trying to break it up. And Souta just smiled.
I guess he's liking the dynamics of my friends.
It had been so long since Nao was this coherent and in the moment, that he could just lay there observing. They acted like enemies, but they were all very close. Souta and Yuki seemed to fit right in. This is what he had been missing in his quest to hold onto his past.
“Alright, you both hate each other! I hate Dimples too.” Souta nodded at Yuu, who glared at him for using that name. “But tell me, just who the hell are you?”
Taking a deep breath, Ren tried to steady himself. “A friend from high school. I’ve known Nao almost as long as Ryu. Now it's your turn; how are you real?”
Yuki giggled. Nao noticed Ren’s eyes giving him a quick amazed glance at the sound. “Looks like you need to prove your existence to quite a few people, Souta.”
“Shut up,” Souta grunted, his honey caramel eyes snapping to Yuki’s giddy face. “And why are you here, anyway?”
“Oh, I met Nao about a week ago. We’re in group therapy together.” As Yuki went silent, Souta’s glare became harsher. With a roll of his eyes, he continued, “Okay, yes. As soon as I saw him, I knew who he was. Your description was extremely accurate.”
“Wait, you approached Nao because you knew that Souta and him were… whatever this is?” Yuu waved his hands around, exasperated.
“Well, yeah. I guess. But we get along really well. I do consider him a friend,” Yuki concluded. Everyone but Ren seemed unhappy about this idea.
Souta shook his head, as if he couldn't be bothered with Yuki’s logic. “That still doesn’t explain the whole hallucination thing. Why does he think I’m not real?”
“Well,” Ren said with great hesitation, “he does think you're real. But, that’s the problem.”
“How is that…”
“I don’t know how it started, Ueshima,” Yuu quietly stated. “But I was told Nao’s muse; his, ah, drawings of you, were of a person he had made up in his head.”
Souta looked very confused. Anyone would be. Even Nao didn’t understand it.
“Wait, ‘cause of his art therapy?” Yuki spoke up. “Are you saying some jackass therapist told him and/or his family that Souta wasn’t real?”
“I mean, he was drawing him a lot….” Ryu mumbled.
"No wonder Nao thought he was going fucking crazy.” Ren sighed, having finally calmed down. “But, Yuu, the same soccer team for over two years and you didn't mention it to either of them?”
“That's what I said!” Souta yelled in agreement.
“Listen, I had no idea they might actually know each other. Nao never used a name when talking about his muse. How was I supposed to know?” Yuu huffed, as though he had been wronged.
“After you and his sister went through his room and destroyed every picture you could find, why the hell would he ever open up to you?” Ren growled.
“That was years later!” Yuu defended himself.
“Well, maybe one of his many shrinks that he did not need convinced him to hide the name!”
Ren and Yuu began to argue loudly again.
“They always like that?” Yuki asked, seemingly bored.
“Yes,” Ryu replied. “But it's enough now, guys. We have—”
“No wonder he thought he was seeing his muse everywhere!” Ren finished, giving Yuu a final push. He glanced at the bed and caught Nao watching them all.
Please, don't say anything yet. Please.
Laying there, listening to them figure everything out, was doing wonders for Nao. His mind felt clearer than it had in years. He didn't want to be pulled into the conversation. Not yet.
"So, I am his muse," Souta muttered. He wore an embarrassing grin.
“What?" Ren asked, successfully distracted.
“It's just… That I'm his muse… I didn't think he’d take me literally ." Souta was so bashful, his cheeks turned a dark pink.
“You sound very proud to have that role in Nao’s life,” Ren teased with a playful smirk.
Yuu and Ryu looked at Souta like he was crazy.
Souta sighed. "FINE, I'll explain. I was in the hospital when Nao’s mom was there. He would sneak into my room when he was visiting her. Since he had just started his art therapy, he decided to draw me." Souta’s cheeks went from pink to red as he spoke. "He said he was bad at drawing faces, s-so I told him to memorize mine."
Yuki stifled a laugh, making the group turn towards him. Nao closed his eyes, hoping no one else saw he was awake.
“Sorry, you're just so red,” Yuki teased Souta.
Souta growled. “Yuki, I swear…”
“But your face,” Yuki continued with a very large smile, “looks exactly the same as Nao’s did when he talked about his muse .”
“He never looked like that when talking to me about his muse,” Yuu complained.
“He had to hide his drawings from the last two years from you, cause he thought you would trash them all again!” Ren grunted.
“So, he never stopped drawing them?” Ryu muttered.
“No, he didn’t!” Ren retorted. “And you two were pretty shitty friends for telling him to.”
“Hey, I'm sorry for that, alright?” Yuu huffed. “Besides, they weren't trashed, and no one ever thought he would react the way he did!”
“React how?!” Souta’s face dropped like he feared the worst.
“Thinking Nao and Souta wouldn't run into each other on campus though,” Yuki glossed over Yuu’s comment, for which Nao would forever be grateful for. “I thought you were smarter than that.”
“What did you say, Nakamura?” Yuu said menacingly, taking a step towards Yuki.
Both Ren and Souta stood in his way.
“What do you mean wouldn't run into each other?” Ryu gently pulled Yuu back, looking between the others. “Are you saying they did?”
Yuki eyed Souta. “Well…”
Ren let out a frustrated groan, his hand slapping his forehead. "That means..."
Nao closed his eyes and prayed to whoever would hear him. Please don’t ask. I’m not ready to hear this! Just don’t…
“When?” Yuu demanded. “Where?”
Nao peeked through his eyelids to see both Yuki and Ren staring at Souta.
For fuck’s sake Ren! You staring at him makes it obvious you know too. Nao’s mind wandered back to the Lily pond, making him want to die from embarrassment.
Souta was not the best at hiding his feelings, that much was still true. He fidgeted on the spot, looking every which way he could to avoid the four men staring at him. Beneath the tall figure, with his broad shoulders and muscular limbs, Nao could see the shy preteen boy he had…
Nao was suddenly fully alert. He had full control of all body parts again. His mind was clearer than ever. But none of that mattered.
I had what?!
Souta cleared his throat. “Remember the day I was really late for practice?”
“I knew it!” Yuu swore, spun around and started pacing.
“I thought that was because of Tanaka-chan?” Ryu asked, trying really hard to ignore his boyfriend's behavior.
“It was! Until I found Nao sleeping on the hill above the soccer field…”
“Sleeping?” Yuu was suddenly yelling. “In the open?”
“The dude has no self preservation instincts.” Souta chuckled.
“So when you mentioned seeing me at the restaurant, you recognized Nao then too?” Ryu asked.
“I did,” Souta nodded. “That’s why I thought it was super weird that Yuu just brushed it off.”
“What about when Nao just woke up in his bed, two weeks ago?” Ren grunted. “He said he had seen you during a panic attack.”
Again, Souta nodded. “He did. After he passed out, I got the okay from Takahashi, and took him home. Figured it was better than leaving him with someone else at the time.”
Fuck, Takahashi knew?! Nao wished he could scream and stop them all from talking. But that would only drag things out further.
“Though, him saying I didn’t exist makes a lot more sense now,” Souta concluded.
There was a pain in his voice. Nao could feel it. It was mixed with regret and hopelessness.
“There was the time after the bar too,” Yuki chimed in.
A switch in Nao flipped. He honestly couldn’t care that Yuki knew. But for the others to find out…
He wouldn’t dare!
“Wait,” Yuu asked, now eerily calm about the whole thing. “You mean when he asked if anyone saw him with someone when he left the bar, he was actually with you?”
“Y-yeah,” Souta stuttered as his face turned red.
Yuu's voice turned cold. “What's with that look?”
“What look?” Souta asked, avoiding Yuu’s glare. “It's nothing. ”
“I wouldn’t say it's nothing.” Yuki chuckled.
“What did you do?” Yuu asked, taking a threatening step towards Souta.
“It wasn’t him, “ Ren assured Yuu, as Souta’s face turned even darker.
“What do you mean it wasn’t him ?”
Yuki was bouncing in his chair again. “I’ve only known Nao for a week, but even I know how forward he can be when he wants something.”
“Yuki!”
Unable to let it slide, Nao lurched from the bed, tore the curtains open and attempted to grab his so-called friend, but failed. The chair he sat on conveniently had wheels, which he used to glide safely away from both Souta and Nao. A cheshire cat's smile crept across his face as he chuckled darkly.
“You know the story, right?” Yuki asked Ren, beaming. “It’s not my fault!”
To everyone’s surprise, Ren stood still, gawking at the endless eyes. He nodded slowly, seeming too stunned by Yuki to do anything else. The dark irises clearly held Ren captive.
Nao just rolled his eyes and sighed. I wasn’t expecting him to fall that easily.
Glancing up, he found Yuu scowling at him.
Desperate to prevent anyone from asking any more stupidly suggestive questions, Nao blurted out, “What happened? Can someone tell me how I got here?”
Yuu huffed. “You ran into the street and nearly got hit by a bus, like a dumbass.”
“For fuck’s sake!” Ryu groaned. “He might seem fine, but can’t you be a little more sensitive about it?”
“I'm tired of being sensitive, okay? It's been seven years. I’m just—”
“Maybe try shutting up for once!” Souta growled.
Yuu stepped forward, as if to attack Souta, but Ryu held him back with a sigh. “Enough!”
“Why? I thought it was a good point.” Ren smirked.
“One of you is bad enough!” Ryu said sharply. “I can’t handle two of you egging him on!”
As fun as the idea of punches being thrown and Yuu possibly earning another black eye was, Nao didn't want any fighting either. His head still hurt, and even the raised voices were starting to bother him again.
“Can you guys just, please, stop yelling?” Nao's low tone seemed to calm everyone. But it also had all their eyes on him again. “How did I almost get hit by a bus?”
“This idiot ran out after you,” Yuu answered. “Though, I'll admit it might have saved your life.”
“Please,” Souta said, suddenly bashful. “The bus was barely moving.”
Yuu glared, not happy with that response. “If it was barely moving, then why didn’t you just pull him back instead of jumping into the street.”
“What do you care? You’d probably love it if I got hit by a bus!” Souta retorted.
Yuu rolled his eyes. “Oh, yeah, cause that’s how I want to become the team's centre fielder.”
“Hey!” Souta looked and sounded pissed, his brow furrowed so deep, Nao struggled to see his eyes. “I think Nao’s safety is a lot more important than soccer!”
The room went quiet for a beat, but Nao could tell by the cunning smirk on Yuu’s lips, Souta had just said the one thing he truly wanted to hear.
“That we can agree on,” Yuu smiled. Pulling Ryu close, he wrapped his arm around his boyfriend’s shoulders. He turned towards Nao. “Be careful with him. He's not all that bright.”
“And a little bit sensitive.” Ryu chuckled.
“That hurt, Ryu,” Souta pouted, his large frame hunched over, his brow furrowing. To Nao, it was the most adorable thing ever.
“Don't be late for the game, Ueshima!” Yuu yelled as he left the room. “And I forbid you from showing up today Nao. You know how weak you get after a panic episode.”
“Alright, just stop telling everyone what to do and let's go already!” Ryu groaned, pushing Yuu from the room.
Then there were four.
“Ren, right?” Yuki asked, turning to the perplexed man in the middle of the room.
“Wa-watanabe Ren.”
Smiling, Yuki seemed to size him up. He jumped off the chair and stood next to Ren, suddenly becoming frustrated.
“My head only goes up to your chin,” Yuki groaned. “But I guess I've only ever been interested in guys who are tall.”
Ren’s eyes turned the widest Nao had ever seen, his whole face going tomato red. If Nao had to bet, he'd say Ren wouldn't be able to pay attention to anything other than Yuki after that sudden declaration.
Yuki grabbed Ren's arm and started dragging him from the room. “Come on, let's get something to eat. These two have a lot of catching up to do.” Without looking back, Yuki waved over his shoulder. “Im dipping early, Nao. That really is an awesome painting, though. And, Souta, you better take good care of him.”
Ren was so flabbergasted, he said nothing while being dragged away.
“Well, Yuki's a goner.” Souta lightly chuckled.
“Ren too. I've never seen him freeze like that.”
Looking at each other, they both blushed.
“Did you really think I was a hallucination these past few weeks?” Souta asked, as though he needed confirmation.
Nao shook slightly. The whole thing seemed ridiculous. What had he been thinking? There had been signs. People had been acting suspiciously. How did he not question it more?
Not being able to look Souta in the eyes, Nao turned his head and nodded. With a sigh, Souta sat on the end of the bed by his feet. Unable to resist, he peaked at Souta from the corner of his eyes. The man looked even more devastated.
Well, this has to be real. There's no way I would ever be able to imagine the loneliness in his eyes. But that means everything else was real too.
“I’m sorry,” Nao practically whispered, hiding his head between his knees.
“What?!”
“These last few weeks,” he mumbled. “They must have been so confusing for you.”
“Are you… Why are you apologizing?”
“The things I said…”
“Nao…”
“And did…”
“Stop!” Souta's voice was forceful, causing Nao to look up on instinct.
His face was so red you'd think it was on fire. Both his hands were covering his eyes. All sense left Nao in the moment, as he crept along the bed towards him silently, wishing to see the embarrassed expression underneath.
“It was bad enough when Yuki… God, I'm never telling him anything ever again.”
Nao chuckled. “I would have told him too, if I knew it wasn’t a dream.”
Souta laughed as he raised his eyes. Their faces were only inches apart. It suddenly became painfull how obvious Nao was being. And as if the embarrassment wasn’t enough, Souta raised an eyebrow and smirked, making him look so proactive and sexy, Nao nearly lost control.
But instead, his cheeks burned. Falling over on the bed, Nao covered his face and groaned. “I’m sorry.”
“Hey, I wasn’t complaining.”
“Would you be serious!”
“I think Yuki was right about you being forward.”
“Shut up!” Sitting up, Nao grabbed the pillow from the end of the bed and threw it into Souta’s face.
Catching it easily and pulling it from Nao’s hands, Souta teased, “Now this is the Nao I remember.”
His smile was so wide and bright, Nao was sure to go blind.
Ducking his head, Nao sighed. “Souta, I… I don’t really remember anything, and what I do…”
“It’s okay. We can work through that, right?”
Nao nodded. A lot was going through his mind. But knowing that Souta was there, was real, and wanted to help Nao navigate the mess his life had become, meant more than anyone could ever imagine.
“Can you stop by the clubhouse later?” Nao asked hesitantly. “I know you normally have things after games; but there's something I need to show you.”
Souta reached out and lightly put his hand over Nao’s on the bed, smiling with reassurance. “There's nowhere else I'd rather be.”