Chapter Text
The first time you see a relationship between two people you realize that it radiates love, love is something that human beings can live with or not, whether you take it away or give it away, love is always drawn as something indispensable to us. So why do good people still find it hard to be loved?
Many times maybe it's because of the personality of each of us, the treats we give or the words that come out of our mouths, but still I always wonder, why am I so hard to be loved?
I used to think that maybe I was the problem, the way I can give love in abundance with details, gifts, songs, compositions or cooking recipes I believed that was the reason why my way of loving was excessive, I gave everything of myself without asking anything in return, I wanted people to feel loved by me, that when they saw the things I gave them they would feel happy, so, was I really the problem?
For as long as I can remember I loved spending time with my friends, the way I laughed and my body was filled with euphoria from the activities we did was something splendid. Once, Hyuna told me that maybe the problem was people, once they realize that you have a weakness for them they take advantage of it to take advantage of everything you have to offer, that's when I began to close my heart and stop doing things for the people I loved.
Looking out the window in every class I always thought, "why doesn't anyone love me?", sure, I have the affection of Hyuna, Hyun-woo and my mother, but that's not what I mean, but why didn't people love me romantically?
My two friends would tell me everyday that I was too cute, that I was charismatic even though I hardly spoke, that I was too kind, still I always wondered the reason why even though I had all those nice things no one approached me to ask me out, even if I dressed up in the cutest way I failed to catch any look of interest, they looked at me like I was a weirdo, was there something wrong with me?
Once I had a dream, I woke up in someone's arms and I could feel a good morning kiss on my forehead, in my dream there was someone to whom I could give all my love, someone with whom I could also receive their love, someone who did not judge everything I had to give. When I woke up, that feeling of loss accompanied me for weeks, it was painful to know that such a person did not exist.
Hyuna always told me that the right person would come at the right time but I didn't want it to be like that, I wanted that person to cross the limits of time, space and the right moment and still come to me so we could experience together what first love is.
As a child I dreamed that my first kiss would be beautiful, that the weather would be perfect and people would envy our moment, now I only wished for a love that was based on innocence, that was not malicious or lustful, that we could share many, if not all, of our first times, a first kiss free of malice, a first date with touches of innocence and displays of affection that were not only by text messages.
I loved the idea of an old-fashioned love, where you loved for who the person was and not just for their body or material gain. I wanted to walk around holding hands as we shared a conversation, just like many boys and girls my age. I would like to experience the same as them.
Hyuna always told me about experiences with girls and guys she dated, the romantic dates, the details on paper or the text messages that made you sigh. Every time I heard each of her stories I realized that maybe love wasn't meant for me, I was about to finish my senior year of college and I had never had a date, never had my first kiss, let alone tried to flirt with someone.
One night while I was in my room I remember looking at the book I was holding while tears were streaming down my cheeks, the scene unfolding in that pile of pages was like what I had always wanted, why couldn't I have a romance just like it? The mere thought of it made my heart race and the crush I had just imagining it made me always idealize what a perfect date would be like for me.
I loved reading any kind of book, web novels or poetry books, I always got engrossed in my world to avoid the reality of knowing that even if I tried I would always end up in the same place, alone and empty. I loved the protagonists of the novels how they risked their lives for love, how the girls were not afraid to get hurt because the right person was in front of them.
The days I spent alone, my mind made surreal scenarios in which I was the protagonist of each and every scene, the story I would tell or the plot that would flow in my favor. In such a big world, many times the insignificant reader is often pushed to be the protagonist of his own imaginary worlds, and I was no exception.
When I met him it wasn't the way I imagined, it wasn't the typical romance show scene where the girl dropped her books and the cute guy helped her pick them up while their fingers brushed as they tried to pick up the same book, nor was it a scene where we shared umbrellas in the rain. Instead, it was something more eccentric. I was simply walking down the stairs when I collided with his body and fell backwards, I had to go to the infirmary after that as the blood wouldn't stop coming out of my nose.
After that we met again, the look of regret was reflected in those black eyes and he still tried to apologize by giving me money, who would do that?
Thanks to Hyun-woo we started to talk, although at first I was of few words he never gave up on me, the days began to pass and I could see how it was slowly becoming part of my routine to meet him without the need of an intermediary.
The seasons passed and the text messages filled our chat more and more, one day he encouraged me to ask me out, at that moment the feeling that I thought was off came back with force as I saw my closet and decided what clothes I could wear for the outing.
After that our dates became more frequent, the letters and drawings he made began to fill the walls of my room, the photographs I had taken lay printed in a photo album he had given me. I felt lucky to have someone like that by my side.
Good mornings began to make themselves present in our messages and the longing to see him grew more and more pronounced in my stomach as many clematis and dahlias bloomed in my chrysanthemum-filled garden.
As I had imagined since I was a child, my first kiss was magical, the atmosphere and the weather although they were not the best I could say that they helped to develop the scene. That day we stayed at my house since the weather had worsened and it was still raining, we made hot chocolate and while we talked, one conversation led to another and at the end we shared a kiss full of warm chocolate flavor.
Our official departure as a couple was unforgettable, when we told our friends they congratulated us and were kind to us while giving us their good wishes, we went out to buy food and at a flower stall he gave me a bouquet of red and white camellias while he sweetly said "I love you".
Four years had already passed and when I saw the wall of my old room, the boxes full of handmade details, letters and photo albums she made for me, I knew I had found the right person, I touched my ring finger and the ring that rested there made me understand that maybe it was always true what Hyuna had said, my favorite, ideal and important person had arrived like a whirlwind to my life, which I already thought was screwed, I had resigned myself to think that all my life I would be alone or I would be abandoned with all the love in my hands. Small tears ran down my cheek and with the sleeve of my sweater I quickly wiped them away.
Murmuring could be heard downstairs and I took the cardboard boxes in my hands as I hurried downstairs and left them in the trunk of the big truck we had bought a few months ago. I looked for the last time at what had been my home, I had good times and bad times in that place but it will always have a place in my heart for having been the only witness of my best and worst moments.
I got into the passenger seat and crossed glances with my now husband, his eyes full of love and the tenderness with which he caressed my hair while he placed a kiss on my forehead made me realize that he had come at the perfect time, when I had already given up with love he came to teach me that it was not difficult to love, that I was never insufficient or insignificant, just life had set me aside from the beginning for him and I was more than grateful for it.
—Thank you so much for loving me, Ivan.
—Mmm? What was that for?
—Nothing, I just wanted to tell you.— I smiled graciously as my gaze remained fixed on the window and the landscape began to fill with fields of flowers.
I felt how one hand took mine and placed them on the lever of the car, I looked for a moment at the matching tattoos that were on our fingers, a camellia on his ring finger and a clematis on mine, happiness flooded my chest and I realized that we were created to be together, not only because our hands fit well, but also because even though it was my first and only relationship, Ivan was my ideal prospective partner that I always dreamed of having.
I could finally express my love, give details without feeling like I was being taken advantage of, say nice words without a tease in between, hold his hand as we walked together and remember that the romances in the books I read when I was young finally came true after years and years of dreaming about it.
—Luka...
—Mmm?
—I also thank you for loving me so much.
*. : ｡✿ * ﾟ * .: ｡ ✿ * ﾟ * . : ｡ ✿ *
Meaning of each flower I put:
Clematis: It can symbolize wit, intelligence, mental beauty, nobility of heart and inner beauty. In the Korean birth calendar, clematis represents the beauty of the heart.
Red dahlia: Symbolizes "I will love you forever."
Chrysanthemums: They represent mourning and the desire for eternal peace.
Red camellias: Symbolizes unconditional love.
White camellias: Symbolizes first love.
Of course, the meaning varies depending on each country and culture but for the most part these are the meanings of some of them.