Chapter Text
-Hyung, how do you know when you’re in love with someone?-
A seventeen-years-old-boy blurt a question with all innocence. His eyes meeting the glance of the taller boy standing in front of him.
-… What do you feel when you see that person?- He wasn’t sure if he wants to hear the answer.
-I… I feel like I’m about to explode. When I see him, my heart is racing abruptly and tempting to go out from my chest. When I met his eyes, I don’t want to be elsewhere. I found myself melting everytime he spoke. The sparks go through my body wildly when our hands rubbed by accident, and…-
He felt embarrassed for every word he said and for every word he was about to spoke.
-He is just perfect. There’s no one like him. D-do you think that can be called love?-
He doesn’t know the effect of his words in the other’s heart.
-I do think so, Jeongguk-ssi- Namjoon doesn’t want to say anything and he couldn’t hear anymore. The silent fell down between the two boys, but didn’t seem to bother the youngest. Is not like he know why the elder kept quiet, just he can’t notice the pain in Namjoon’s chest.
The last shut his eyes tightly, holding the tears which are attempting to drop from his eyes. He let out a sigh, so big that blew Jeongguk’s hair.
-Are you okay?-
-... Sorry, I just I don’t feel well right now. See you later-
Namjoon leaves the place quickly. He felt the angry coming from his hand to his mind. He knew if he doesn’t go out from it, he could do something that he would regret.
Days, weeks, months passed by. He’ll listen painfully to Jeongguk. The lovely stories between him and his boyfriend. His boyfriend. Jimin is the name of such person. He hates him even if Jeongguk is happy with him. Why? Because Jimin stole Jeongguk from Namjoon’s life. He took Jeongguk away from him. They used to spend almost all the time togheter, but when Jimin came to the life of Jeongguk, they stopped to saw eachother constantly. Jeongguk may see Jimin rather than Namjoon. Jealously was all in his head.
But then, the joyfull stories began to drop, replaced by angry sceneries. That hurt more the soul of Namjoon.
-I don’t know why is he acting like this… I mean, he is always making excuses about why he couldn’t see me… We fight almost everytime, and he doesn’t say nothing more. He only apologizes to me, but doesn’t fix anything. He keep lying to me… I-I… - His tone was cloaked in sadness, the stung tears began to blurry the vision of Jeongguk. His exasperating cry started to soak his face. The love before was in Jeongguk’s eyes is changed by all pain and hopelessness. Little by little, Namjoon lost the control each time he heard Jeongguk talk. The madness haze the control of his mind. He felt crazy by the time, the rage inside of him was pouring suddenly. Jeongguk doesn’t know it, better he keep it for himself.
-H-hyung, I think… I think I saw him with other guy… I…- The salty tears started to rolling over the cheeks of Jeongguk, they leave a mark in the broken heart of the boy. His face was swollen and red, trembling nervously for the thoughts he had. Namjoon can’t pretend anymore that he isn’t hurt. Angry keep shouting, desiring an enemy to be kicked out. Drowning in sentiment, he can’t see anything before his eyes. Jeongguk cried in the embrace of Namjoon, and the later cried on the top of Jeongguk’s head. They stayed like this until Jeongguk finally calm himself. His fingers still wrapped around the collar of Namjoon’s shirt. He grabbed it like if he doesn’t did with all strength, he could fell down to the floor and be broken in thousands of pieces.
-Tomorrow night I’m going to see Jimin for talk. Hope this time we can fix our relationship. If we don’t I… I really don’t know what I can do… Wish me luck, hyung-
That was the final countdown for Namjoon. He can’t see more of the suffering Jeongguk.
He replayed his plan one and other time. Adrenaline ran from toe to head, like a stampede of hungry lions. His sight was fix in the cold object wrapped in his hands. He make sure that Jeongguk doesn’t find it. Those guy’s rule. They stick to you till they lose interest in you, and then it’s on to the next flower. The breaking hands of the clock, the struggle in the sound when the next hour is announced. Crushed by jealously, anger and tears were born. He waited until he hasn’t hesitation. The hole in his heart can’t be filled with nothing, no if Jeongguk continue like how he is keeping. Is the only way for stop the pain in Jeongguk’s heart, isn’t it? He doesn’t found other manner for it.
The shine moonlight fed the filthy emotions of Namjoon. The foggy atmosphere brings a thought of anxiety. The gun burns like hell inside the tip of his hands, at the same time is so heavy that it might crush the pathetic shape of Namjoon. His heart dropped to his lungs, then to his stomach. He can feel how his lucidity and his common-sense fled from his body, leaving an insane boy.
Fat drops of rain started to wet the madness silhouette of Namjoon. He waited until he saw Jimin. It’s now or never. A spirit of punishment arose to the surface. He followed Jimin, haunting him. His temper was all fury.
He covered his face with the hoodie. He reached Jimin, forcing him into a situation from which it is hard to escape. Namjoon’s head wasn’t working well. He make sure that Jimin didn’t achieve to see his face. He raise the gun in the back of Jimin’s head.
-If ... if you move I-I kill you- He spoke hesitantly. Even if he was sure what he was about to do, the nerves was wrecking him.
-It's ... okay. I'll give you what you want ...- Jimin said shakily. Trying to get his wallet, he reached into his pocket. Jimin doesn’t know that this guy isn’t looking for his money. It’s just an excuse.
-I told you NOT to move! - Namjoon shouted desperately, shaking tightly the cold gun to the head of Jimin.
Jimin obeyed, but it seemed that the world was against him.
Namjoon pulled the trigger, shooting Jimin in his stomach. He doesn’t know when he pointed lower.
It happened too fast, there was nothing he could have done. All his life flashed before his eyes. The dry sound filled the quiet night. The sound of a gun fired wrapped the gloomy atmosphere, throwing his delicate and fragile body to the cold ground. The man behind him quickly run. He run far away, forsaking an injured Jimin.
Namjoon ran fast as he could. His legs wanted to give up. He ran until he can’t see the wounded body. His body was collapsing to the ground. The rain still pouring, slitting the trembling fearless boy. The cry of his eyes wasn’t because of what he did. Surely he doesn’t know the reason of the whine. Stupid tears still pouring out, burning the eye-pockets underneath his swollen eyes. He glanced to the huge, cold sky. He stayed in that position for the next half an hour. Looking to the fire-arm in his hands, he screamed loud, bursting in guilt and regret. He threw the fire gun to the sidewalk. The night bent into Namjoon’s actions, flinging the only remains of sanity out of Namjoon. The only witness to the tragedy was the darkness and the crying moon.
The breeze found his way underneath the coat of Namjoon. He visualized the pale boy in front of the crypt. He approached him, taking his shoulder below his caressing hands.
-I'm sorry- Namjoon said with all honestly, or he thinks that.
Jeongguk doesn't say anything. He only let out a huge sigh. He can't hide his feelings anymore. He wept on the embrace of Namjoon. The sobs that come out from the crying boy were filled with pain.
Seeing Jeongguk like that bound the small heart of Namjoon.
-Why hyung, why?- A rhetorical question came out of his intrigues.
Namjoon started to break down. His eyes were swollen and red. A knot sunk in his throat and tears dropped for the corner of his eyes, wetting the coat of the younger.
The tears was for Jeongguk, not for Jimin.
-I don't know...- I really do, but I can’t let you know. You’ll never forgive me, but I think this is the best for you, I’m sorry, Jeongkookie.
The hug got tighter. An endless mystery. Questions without answers. Everything looked gray. His heart broke into a million pieces, and there is no way re-unite it.
-There's something that I want you tell you. You're not alone, you know? When things go bad or wrong, I'll be always here. When you need someone to cry on his shoulder, I'll be there. I love you, Jeongguk. I always loved you, and I don’t want to see you suffering. Everything will be fine. Time can heal the scars, and will take the pain away-
That were the most difficult words Namjoon ever had to say.
The words dug into Jeongguk's heart. He never guessed that Namjoon was in love with him. The elder tore off the tears of Jeongguk's face, picked up his bangs back and kissed him on the forehead. Jeongguk only was stunned by the situation. He didn't know what to say or do. Without another word, Namjoon turned and left, leaving a confused Jeongguk.
He thought that Jeongguk could live in liberty by now. He can heal the scars and he can love again, forgetting all he lived with Jimin. He'll be with someone who can recognize the effort of his love, someone who don’t hurt the delicate boy. And maybe, with the time, Jeongguk might love him back just the way he does.
Hope is the last thing to die.