Chapter Text
❀ the final moment ❀
Holding hands—
Doesn’t happen, no.
Whenever Dazai needs to cancel out another Ability, he goes for the shoulder, the hair, the chest, anywhere but the hands.
Still, because he’s imperfect, he’s unable to stop himself from circling his hands on the other’s wrist, feeling the other’s pulse, feeling the other’s reassurance that he’s still alive, feeling dangerously close to just breaking down and blurting out the reason for him acting this way.
Seasons pass by but the two of them are together-yet-not despite it all, through the buzz of cicadas, the storm of cherry blossoms, the carpet of yellowed leaves, the flood of snowflakes.
In their world that is Yokohama, days flow into the next without any sense of urgency.
Dazai doesn’t stay stuck by Chuuya’s hip, doesn’t threaten the Port Mafia grunts who pick them up to ensure that they get transported together, doesn’t protest that he’s being sent to study under Mori-sensei’s care while Chuuya’s being ushered towards the courtesans’ place by Kouyou.
Dazai’s gone through this many times before - eight-hundred-sixty-four, tallies in his skin as he recalls each one of them and creates a plan from every piece of information he’s able to gather.
He knows by now that if he insists to be initiated along with Chuuya, or if he protest that both of them study under Mori-sensei, or if he takes hold of the other’s hand and beckons the other to run away with him—all those choices, and many more, will all lead to Chuuya loving him back.
And that’s the most terrible possible outcome, because Chuuya loving him back is the main reason why he keeps on using Corruption until he dies from his own power.
Eight-hundred-sixty-four failures haunt him, but he’s also eight-hundred-sixty-four times wiser because of it.
This is the first time he’s actively attempting Chuuya to hate him.
He’s pledged to do so five-hundred-twenty-one times prior, but the sight of Chuuya’s eyes, the sound of Chuuya’s voice, the feel of Chuuya’s hands all make him waver.
But he promised.
No matter what.
So he allows the two of them to develop into terrible rivals, competing about every little thing and driving each other mad with angry words and frustrated fists, cooperation a foreign concept that destroys parts of the headquarters until redacted.
Dazai allows himself to be lulled into the cycle of weekly visits to the bar with Oda and Ango, to be chained to the web of lies by Mori-sensei, to be pulled into a world where he doesn’t smile unless he’s with Chuuya.
He formulates a plan where he forms a force stronger than Chuuya so that Chuuya doesn’t have to be the one to stop him.
He needs someone strong enough, more than that, he needs someone devoted enough to risk their life to stop him.
It cannot be Chuuya, no matter what.
He rescues Akutagawa for that very reason, but alone and Akutagawa has chinks in his armor. He needs to have a partner, similar to how Dazai and Chuuya are so frighteningly strong when they’re forced to work together despite Dazai’s inappropriate glee and Chuuya’s vehement shrieks.
But then—
They continue to grow closer despite everything Dazai does.
He will be unable to save Chuuya this way, so when he sees a way to break free of the Port Mafia, he takes it.
Scenario eight-hundred-sixty-five will be the final one, he promises to himself.
He just hopes he’ll be able to keep it.