Chapter Text
Yuki sat on the couch, foot extended, as his boyfriend iced it.
He still couldn’t believe that his boyfriend was here. When the latter had called out his name just as he had exited the bus, Yuki really thought that he was dreaming.
He had been brooding (yes he was aware that he was brooding) on the bus ride home, mad about everything, about the whole world. It had been a very mediocre day to begin with. He had woken up feeling restless, and not in the mood to do anything. He had felt this sense of unease settle deep into his bones, making him jittery throughout the day. But he was an athlete, a well-experienced one at that. A few stray feelings of apprehension were not going to throw him off his game that night. So he shoved them down and threw himself into his daily routine, drowning his worries in the painful exertion of his muscles. He knew it was not healthy, if Agu’s pointed staring was anything to go by. But it did the job and had been doing the job for so many years, and that was all that mattered.
Yuki was no newbie to losing a volleyball match. He had played countless matches where he had tasted sweet victory before it was snatched away from right under his nose, leaving behind the bitter aftertaste of loss. It sucked, yes, but it was a part of the game and Yuki had come to accept it. He thrived on his losses and let them fuel the fire that kept pushing him to stretch his limits.
But losing like this, not being able to do his best and letting the team down, this always sucked. It brought back sour memories of struggling with his self-esteem as a teenager, afraid of not being enough, afraid of being asked to leave on this golden journey that he had just begun. It had been years since he had grown out of that insecure adolescent, his experiences toughening him up and sometimes leaving broken jagged pieces. It was not often, but there were times when things would not go well and he cut himself on those sharp pieces, spiraling into a deep dark pit of anxiety and self-doubt.
Their devastating loss at the Olympics had pushed him so far down that pit that he could not see the light. They had been so close, so close to fulfilling their dreams, when it had all come crashing down with the ball that fell onto the floor on their side of the net. His sobs escaped his control that night, refusing to settle long into the night as he comforted his boyfriend into sleep.
He had been well on his way down that pit tonight. He could not see where he was going, he could not hear anything but the persistent ringing in his ears that had refused to quiet down ever since he had taken that fall on the court. There was no feeling in his legs and the air just wouldn’t go into his lungs. There was this tightness in his chest that was stubborn at constricting his heart, no matter how fiercely he rubbed at his it. His throat was ready to burst from the sheer force it took to keep his sobs down. He stared straight ahead, looking at nothing in particular, eager to get away from prying eyes before his control slipped any further.
And then,
“Yuki-san!”, called a voice. That baritone, that intonation of his name, that specific way in which only the speaker could make his name sound like a prayer into the void. He whipped his head towards the voice and was blinded by the wide smile that greeted him from a little distance. Before his mind could even process what was happening, his heart sent blood pumping into his legs and he was running towards the man with the angelic voice, his body forgetting the injury momentarily.
He crashed into the man with a thud, eliciting a small “uff” of surprise from him. “Yuki-san”, the voice breathed into his ear as arms wrapped around him, pressing him into a chest. And all of a sudden, all the air came rushing back into Yuki’s lungs. He could breathe. He could finally breathe and the realization brought tears to his eyes. “Ran”, Yuki gasped, only just holding back the sob that threatened to slip past his chest.
“Hello Yuki-san”, his angel whispered into his ear, and all the tightness in Yuki’s chest just melted away as he buried his head into Ran’s shoulders. There was a steady chant in his head of Ran, Ran, Ran, Ran. Yuki breathed him in and all the muscles in his body finally relaxed.
God, he was so sore.
Ran was stroking Yuki’s back with his palm and everywhere he touched left behind a trail of warmth that erased the unease from Yuki’s bones. There was something about this man, who was now whispering praises into his ears, that made Yuki feel complete. All those jagged bits within himself didn't seem all that daunting now. Ran smoothed over those sharp edges and made Yuki feel as though he was an entirely new person. All Yuki could do was nod into Ran’s shoulders at his whispers while Ran continued to warm his soul.
Ran was his savior. All those months ago when he had broken down at the Olympics, it was Ran who had fished him out of that dark pit. It was Ran who had put him back together, weaving hope and purpose into his heart. It was Ran whom he had fallen asleep with, arms around each other, braving the darkness of the night.
He had been missing his lover for quite sometime now. The regular text messages and scheduled video calls had not been enough anymore. He had wanted to breathe in the scent that was so uniquely Ran. He had wanted to feel Ran’s skin against his, missing the warmth dearly. He had wanted to fall asleep with him and wake him up with morning kisses. But the stupid world had put miles and miles between them and Yuki felt like he was dying. He needed his vitamin to bug him about his sleep habits, to tease him about anything and everything, to worm his way into his arms and leave sneaky kisses along his neck. He had been missing Ran so much that the void in his heart had begun to feel like a permanent fixture in his life. The food had started tasting bland and it had gotten increasingly difficult to get out of bed every morning. The injury today and the subsequent loss had been the last straw.
Yuki finally moved away from Ran’s shoulders to look into his eyes. Ran’s eyes held the entire world and Yuki could drown in them and he wouldn’t complain. Ran looked up at him and smiled his million-watt smile. Yuki was momentarily blinded and could do nothing but keep staring at his lover. Ran giggled, “Take a picture Yuki-san, it lasts longer”, he pinched Yuki’s side. Yuki jolted in surprise. He would have done something or said something in retaliation, but he was tired and now that Ran was with him, he wanted to do nothing but cuddle his man to sleep.
Ran must have noticed the fatigue creeping in for he leaned up to peck Yuki’s lips. “Come on, you need to get some rest”. He wove his fingers with Yuki and they made their way towards the team waiting for them.
Yuki knew that he had spent that entire conversation with the team looking like a lovesick puppy. He also knew that he was going to get mercilessly teased later on, if tonight’s conversation was anything to go by. But even the knowledge of impending teasing coming his way could not stop him from pulling Ran closer to him during the conversation.
Even now, looking across at Ran carefully pressing the ice pack to his ankle, Yuki could not resist the urge to touch him in some manner. He wanted to be as close to the man as possible. He reached out to touch Ran’s cheek and the man looked up at him with a smile. He beckoned him closer. Ran sighed affectionately, carefully taping the ice pack to his ankle before crawling up to Yuki. Yuki hissed at the cold that seeped into his skin but before he could whine about it, Ran kissed him. Yuki groaned lowly into Ran’s mouth, hands automatically finding his hips, ensuring that Ran was seated comfortably on his thighs.
Ran settled, threading his fingers at Yuki’s nape. They kissed slowly, taking their time in tracing the patterns they were already familiar with. Yuki could get drunk on Ran’s lips. Each press of Ran’s lips against his, stole his breath and sent waves of pleasure coursing through his veins. This was perfect. With Ran perched on his lap all soft and pliant, his sweet scent surrounding him, his fingers caressing his hair at the nape of his neck, Yuki knew that he was in heaven. He did not need anything else to be happy. He would have kept kissing Ran, would have continued eliciting those beautiful noises from him, if not for his stupid body looking for oxygen. His heart knew that Ran was the only oxygen he needed, but his brain seemed to have not gotten the memo.
Yuki broke the kiss and buried his nose into Ran’s neck. He was too tired to go any further today. Ran simply wrapped his arms around Yuki. They sat there for several minutes, breathing together, just basking in each other’s presence.
Their breathing slowed down, and with it crept in fatigue. It was quite late into the night. But neither of them wanted to slip into sleep just yet. They wanted to savor every second they had together for they never knew when they’d get to hold each other again. Long-distance relationships were hard and it truly weighed down on their souls. But, all the pining and the yearning and the waiting paid off in quiet moments like this, when they could breathe each other in and heal their wounds.
“What’s been going on in that brain of yours?”, Ran finally broke the silence. Yuki just bored his head further into Ran, not wanting to talk. But Ran was having none of it. He sighed and lifted Yuki’s face from where he was hiding in Ran’s neck.
“I’ve been very worried about you Yuki-san”, he pouted, looking Yuki directly in the eyes. “You always seem to be okay on our video calls but I can tell that you are worried about something behind those eyes of yours”, he said, rubbing circles into Yuki’s cheekbones, unconsciously mapping the pattern that Yuki traced at his hips. “I know you won’t stray from your diet ever, but it seems like your face has become a lot thinner and paler since the last time I saw you. What has been happening, Yuki-san?”, Ran spoke softly.
Yuki opened his mouth to reply, but before he could get a single word out, “And don’t you dare say that nothing has been going on or that you are completely okay when I can clearly see that you’re not”, Ran reprimanded. Yuki shut his mouth and huffed, refusing to look at Ran. He rested his forehead against Ran’s collarbone and simply stayed there.
Ran carded his fingers through Yuki’s curls, giving him all the time he needed. Ran knew not to push Yuki too much. Ran was just as bad as Yuki at showing some vulnerability. The two of them never wanted to burden the other with their problems and their worries, even if they knew that they’d always get unconditional support from each other. Maybe that was why they worked so well together. They understood each other in a way no one else could. Their souls did not need the complexities of human language to communicate.
Yuki took a deep breath and looked up at Ran. Yuki’s eyes were glassy and he was beginning to sniffle. He could already feel his ear reddening in embarrassment at the thought of crying in front of his lover. But all he saw in Ran’s gentle eyes was sincerity tinged with worry. All he saw was a promise, a promise to listen to him and keep his secrets safe, to keep him safe. “You can cry Yuki-san”, Ran smiled gently. “You can cry and it will all be okay. Please don’t hide your sorrows from me, not when I’m here and can actually do something about it”, Ran begged. Yuki watched Ran’s own eyes fill with tears. “I don’t know how many nights you must have spent crying alone here, thinking that there was no one who would listen. But I’m right here Yuki-san, right here for you. Please don’t hide from me”, he sobbed.
That was all it took for the dam to come crashing down. Yuki buried his head back into Ran’s neck as the tears he’d held back for so many months finally fell. He wrapped his arms tightly around Ran’s waist, pulling him as close as he could. He sobbed out all his worries, all his anger, his frustration. All the pain that had been marring his heart and his mind, came pouring out into Ran’s t-shirt.
He hadn’t felt this good in quite some time. Crying hadn’t made him feel this good in quite some time. But crying into Ran’s shoulders, knowing that his heart was cared for, feeling the strong shoulder of support underneath his cheeks and knowing that Ran would understand the meaning behind his sobs without him having to say even a word, Yuki felt liberated. His soul felt free from the shackles of his mind and his heart was soaring. “I missed you”, he sobbed out, those three cursed words finally escaping the confines of his mind. Those words, the feelings that they brought along with them, they had festered in his mind for so long, turning everything in his head poisonous. “I missed you so much that everything else seemed wrong. Even the smallest inconvenience felt like the biggest burden to bear”, he sniffled, finding comfort in the way he could feel Ran’s heart beat against his. Ran stroked his back and kissed the top of his head, listening and silently encouraging him to go on.
“Everything felt wrong, Ran. I still enjoyed working out, I still loved playing volleyball, but it felt like something was missing all the time and I didn’t know what to do about it. No amount of exercising or training ever helped with that feeling of emptiness and I felt like I was going crazy” he ranted into Ran’s t-shirt not yet wanting to leave the comfort of his shoulders. Ran moved his hand to stroke his hair while the other stayed put on his back. Ran hummed his understanding, the vibrations reverberating into Yuki, making him feel at home. “I think the team is really worried”, Yuki chuckled, earning a kiss to his scalp. “Semeniuk started texting me almost every night asking if I was okay and Agu and Oleh would always find the lamest excuses to hang out here whenever they could”, Yuki went on, the tears finally coming to a stop and his breathing slowing down.
“I’m gonna have to thank them then, for taking care of you when I couldn’t”, Ran said smiling into Yuki’s curls. “Well, at least trying to take care of you. I’m sure you did not make it easy for them”, he teased and yelped when Yuki pinched his side. Ran placatingly kissed his scalp again, and Yuki huffed his forgiveness, depositing a kiss on Ran’s neck.
“Why didn’t you tell me that you were struggling, Yuki-san?”, Ran mumbled into his scalp. Yuki finally lifted his head from his hiding place and looked up at Ran. And what he saw was enough to send a pang of pain through his heart. Ran’s eyes were rimmed red and tear tracks were beginning to dry on cheeks. Yuki’s hands immediately went to the apple of his cheeks rubbing at the tracks there, mouth forming an unconscious pout. “Because I didn’t want you to worry”, he said softly. “Because I’m the older one and I shouldn’t be behaving like this, childishly.”
“That’s so stupid Yuki-san” Ran slapped his shoulder. “If I cried because I missed you, would you call me childish?”, he questioned. Yuki immediately shook his head. “No, of course not”. “Then why would you be childish if you missed me?”, Ran countered. “Because I’m older and I’m supposed to be more mature”, Yuki argued, dropping his hands back to Ran’s hips. Ran smacked his shoulder again and Yuki snapped up to look at him with a pout. “When we started dating, you said we were equals, Yuki-san. Are we not equals?”, Ran inquired quietly. Yuki’s response was prompt. “Of course we are!”, he exclaimed. “Of course we are equals in this relationship. Nothing will ever change that”, he said with conviction. “Then, why do you have different standards for judging our actions?” Ran asked boldly. “What applies to me, should apply to you right?”, Ran stared into Yuki’s eyes, hands shaking Yuki’s shoulders slightly, as if to shake some sense into him.
Yuki did not have an answer to that question. “I-I don’t know”, he sighed, looking helplessly at Ran. What Ran was saying made perfect sense to Yuki. He understood it, he really did. But he did not know why he couldn’t bring himself to actually put that understanding into action. “You’ve got such high expectations for yourself, Yuki-san”, Ran was looking at him tenderly. “That’s not a bad thing”, he pouted. “No it’s not”, Ran agreed softly. “It is important that you have expectations for yourself. But when it comes to you and me, when it comes to us, can you please give yourself some room to breathe?”. Yuki opened his mouth to argue but Ran went on. “I fell for you, not for the man you expect yourself to be. I will always love you, the man you were, the man you are and the man you will grow to be. I will always love every version of you. Can you please love yourself too?, he whispered the last words into the space between them.
And Yuki was stunned. He had never felt so seen before, so heard. He had been used to people seeing the mask he had put on for them. Never before had someone asked to look underneath the mask, much less love what they saw underneath the carefully constructed confidence and pride. He knew just how broken and jagged he was under all the bravado, he hadn’t expected Ran to love him the same after seeing all that. The tender gaze that Ran directed at him told him everything he needed to know. Ran was not going to leave him, he was not going to pit his vulnerability against him. He was going to stay with him, right by his side, no matter what, till the end of the line.
And Yuki wanted to be a man worthy of all that love. He wanted to be able to receive all of Ran’s love. He wanted to cherish it. He wanted to forever feel his heart brimming with love, so that he could understand it and give it back a hundredfold to the man in his arms. He wanted to love Ran so deeply and be loved equally in return, that their love would carry forward into their next life and the next life and the life after that, always binding them together, fates intertwined forever. Even eternity with the man in his arms wouldn’t be enough for Yuki.
For all that to happen, Yuki knew that he had to open up his heart, not just to Ran (which he had already done ages and ages ago), but to himself as well. Yeah, the journey ahead seemed scary and daunting. But he was not going to walk this path alone, not like he had been when he was a teen. Perhaps the journey would not be as difficult as it had been in the past, for he now had Ran by his side. He’d do anything for Ran, and if Ran wanted him to love himself, Yuki would work on it. As long as Ran with him, everything would be okay.
“I can try”, he finally said to Ran’s plea. The smile he got as a reward was only a taste of what he would feel at the end of this journey. “That’s enough”, Ran smiled against his lips. “That’s enough for me”.
Their lips met again in a kiss, sealing the promises they’d made to each other. The ice on Yuki’s ankle had long since turned into slush. The two lovers shifted to the bedroom, fatigue finally getting the best of them. As Yuki tangled his legs with Ran, holding the man to his chest, he felt lighter than he had in a long while. He was, for the first time in months, excited to wake up the next morning and Yuki relished in that feeling.
The two lovers finally settled into the snug arms of sleep, two hearts beating as one, oblivious to the plans of fate they had set to motion that night. They slept deeply and soundly, comforted by each other’s arms, minds and hearts finally at peace now that they were together.
They woke up late in the morning, to the sounds of an angry Italian captain yelling and cursing right outside their doorstep.