Chapter Text
I am a forest fire
And I am the fire and I am the forest
And I am a witness watching it
— Mitski, A Burning Hill
THURSDAY
Elaine woke up in the middle of the night. Rosie was fast asleep, peaceful with his even breaths and gentle snoring. Slowly sitting up, she found herself staring at their wardrobe. It was made of heavy, dark stained oak and ornate carvings adorned the doors. When she first landed her eyes on the wardrobe, she knew it was the one. Never mind it was probably from the 1900s and perhaps haunted; she wanted it. The owner was willing to give it at a cheaper price, saying that Elaine was the only one who took interest in the thing. Two weeks later, two portly men were lifting it to their second floor apartment.
Maybe it was the darkness, her figment of imagination, or being in a state between sleep and consciousness that she pictured her teenage self and her mother standing in front of the wardrobe—it was a familiar scene, the one she knew very well. It was the day of her eighteenth birthday, when her mother Alice revealed that they have a gift–or a curse, whichever name she finds suitable for their ability. Time travel. Alice tested her by letting her inside a closet and see what happens. True to her word, Elaine disappeared and landed in 1920s New York. She wandered for an half an hour, scared and clueless.
And when she resurfaced, Alice knew. Elaine inherited the ability.
Her hand momentarily rested on her still-flat abdomen, now picturing herself as the mentor that her mother once was. In front of her, she turned into her mother, older, with a teenager in front of her, waiting patiently. She did not realize a tear rolled down her cheek. What if? What if I’m pregnant? Can I do this?
Rosie would not be a father until the baby comes out. However, for Elaine, the moment it’s confirmed she’s with child, that’s it. Everything will happen quickly—her priorities will shift, the clothes she will wear will change, her life will change to accommodate a baby. A high-risk, noble, almost saintly job—another expectation for a woman.
Elaine is not exactly sure whether she’s cut out for it.
Her mother’s revelation that she was supposed to be in Italy but she had to hold that off for Elaine hit her. What if she still has unfulfilled dreams? Jack told her she would be let go once confirmed and she reached the sixth month. Would she resent the baby for that? To put her career on hold?
What about the sex of the baby? If this baby is a girl, there is a high possibility of her being a time traveler as well. What would happen then? Rosie promised he’d be there for them, but what happens if it becomes a reality? How could she be sure that her daughter won’t end up like her before?
Elaine Rosenthal did not sleep that night. She tossed and turned, she let herself be held by Rosie until his hold loosened. Carefully, she took his arm away from her and looked at the clock on his side of the bed–it was already four in the morning. In two hours, she had to prepare for work. Knowing that she’d rather wake up now than sleep, she went to the wardrobe and took a small box inside. It was her phone, still charged and her earphones in it. She checked on Rosie who was still asleep and went to the living room.
She listened to her favorites, a breath of fresh air from all the music she hears being played on the radio lately. She did not realize that her eyes were slowly drooping until sleep took over.
The grungy, jarring beats of a new song shuffling made Elaine jolt upright. It was five in the morning, an hour before Rosie woke up. She checked on him again and when she was satisfied that he’s still asleep, she made her way to the kitchen to prepare him a quick breakfast. The act of cooking silenced her thoughts–for a moment, she only got to think about how to make the eggs and ham less greasy, put the right amount of butter on the bread, and make coffee. She decided to not make coffee, as Rosie liked his coffee piping hot.
With breakfast covered, she jumped into the shower. Normally she would linger, but not today. As the water poured on her, last night’s memory filled her head. When Millie left, she found herself clinging to Rosie, finally letting the emotions of being alone without him for the past week out. Without him that week, she was sick, lonely, and now, confused.
Babysitting Millie made her see every doubt she had in her mind when it came to rearing children–can she actually do it? Can she take care of a tiny human? Should she be in charge of one? Is it right to bring up a child during this time? Rosie, bless his heart, did not push her when he asked her for the first time what was worrying her. He only held her, stroked her back, whispered sweet nothings, and let her cry it all out.
She turned off the shower and did her usual face routine. This time, Elaine took her time and placed each liquid and creams hesitantly, as if it was her first time to do so. Wet hair drips on the hardwood floor. Red eyes stared back at her, as if taunting her for working after barely sleeping.
You are no longer in your twenties, you are in your thirties, how will you survive today? Downing god knows how many cups of coffee? Red Bull doesn’t exist here.
While waiting for her face cream to dry, Elaine gently opened the wardrobe, and picked the nearest outfit she could put on. After the makeup and clothes were on, it was time for her hair. If there is another thing she could complain about time traveling during this time in America is the amount of effort to do her hair. In the present, the most effort she makes is to straighten her hair. Most days, she would only brush it, blow dry (if time was generous), and leave it to dry. It’s not the best thing, but she couldn’t be bothered with all the curls and pins and hairspray every single day. But not in the late 1940s. As she tucked the final hair pin, she was out of breath.
Rosie was still asleep and now lying on his stomach. His mouth parted and gently snored. How could this man sleep this deeply when he has been to war? Wasn’t he supposed to be a light sleeper now? Shaking her head, she quickly scribbled a note for him with the notepad from her table.
R,
Breakfast in the kitchen. Make your own coffee.
Sorry I had to leave early. See you later.
- E
Sorry I had to leave early. Normally, they’d prepare together for work, but today, she wasn’t ready to face him after crying so much last night. She wasn’t ready for his questions.
Elaine took a last glance at her husband’s sleeping form and went out of their apartment.
The day went on like normal for Elaine, except that she was hours early and fell asleep at her desk the moment she arrived. One of her colleagues begrudgingly woke her up, her day started with editorial meetings, listening to Jack’s deadlines and possible reshuffling of sections.
Elaine moved through her tasks like she's on autopilot. They needed to write a supply request? Done. The files needed organizing because her male colleagues couldn’t be bothered? Done. Clearing her desk and even sanitizing it? Done. A colleague asking for another set of eyes to proofread? Done, with additional notes provided.
Anything just to make her forget the dread of the upcoming results of her tests tomorrow.
Time ticked faster than she expected, and by the time she looked up from her work, everyone was gathering their belongings and leaving. There’s no need to rush, she thought.
“Still here, huh?” a voice called out. It was Jack, carrying his suit and case with him. A wan smile formed on her lips and nodded. He walked towards her direction and sat on her desk like he does with the other editors as well.
“Tomorrow’s the big day,” Jack continued.
“Yeah, I know.”
“Robert must be excited.”
As Elaine gazed at Jack’s surprised expression, she nodded cautiously, lying to someone again. Saying nothing and skirting around the truth was easier, even if the results will be revealed soon enough. It was some sort of control for her, during this time when the odds are leaning towards her being pregnant.
Jack’s eyes softened. “I’m excited for you, Ellie. But if it truly happens, if you are pregnant…I’m gonna miss you around here.”
Elaine wanted to say, “Nothing’s certain yet. Let’s talk to that Human Resources director George Woods and give him shit.”
What she said instead was, “When I’m gone or if I’ll be gone…hire a damn secretary, will you?”
His laughter echoed into the room. “What time do you plan on going home?”
It was seven in the evening.
“I don’t know, really.”
“Want to have a drink?”
“Can you buy me a Shirley Temple?”
“Why not?”
It was ten in the evening when Elaine came back to the apartment. There was a soft hum of their record player, playing one of her husband’s favorite songs. Her bag and keys were placed near the door, the heels were removed and neatly placed nearby as well. Rosie emerged from their room, his tie loose.
“Did you just get in?” she asked.
“Yes,” he replied curtly as Rosie took a pot from the cupboard and lit the stove. He took a container from the fridge and dumped all the contents into the pot. Elaine tried to kiss him but he moved away, looking for a ladle to use.
“What’s the matter?”
“You forgot.”
“What did I forget?”
“I don’t know, Elaine,” Rosie sighed, his eyes weary. “Think. Look at the calendar, maybe?”
The calendar in the Rosenthal apartment is on the side of their fridge. It was a medium sized one from the grocery they frequent—it has red and blue printed numbers. It was tacky and gaudy, but Elaine liked how visible the numbers were, where they could easily write on events and when to pay bills. On that day’s date, there it was.
Dinner with the Rosenthal family, 6pm—don't be late! :)
Oh, shit. Shit!
The fucking smile face she drew taunted her. It was a lapse of judgment on her part, really. Rosie was looking forward to this dinner, for his cousins and relatives would be there. And he went tonight. All alone.
“I tried calling you, you know? But they told me you were out by six,” Robert said, when he saw that it finally clicked with her what she missed. Her face crumpled a little, her fingers now massaging her forehead. Damn it, she thought. I forgot.
“Care to explain where you were?”
“I, uh…”
“What?”
“I had some drinks with Jack.”
And that was the truth, wasn’t it? She and Jack had a couple of drinks at The Bowery, a speakeasy near their office. Jack was the only person who knew about her trip to the emergency room and her possible pregnancy. With the feeling of isolation recently, she wanted to be with someone who understands…for now.
Rosie’s eyes widened about what he heard. Their neighbor, Mrs. Paulson stopped him that night when he went home from Boston. The conversation was still clear in his head.
“Oh, Robert, you’re here!” Mrs. Paulson greeted as he took some of their mail from the collective mailbox of the apartment. Everyone knew she was a chatterbox and an occasional gossip, but she was reliable most of the time.
“Good evening, Mrs. Paulson,” he said, closing the mailbox and locking it. He straightened up as he faced the old woman. “What can I do for you? Legal advice for your son again?”
Mrs. Paulson chuckled wryly. “No, my Charles is doing fine now. But I have to tell you that Elaine was dropped off by a man two days ago!”
He wasn’t the jealous type, and Elaine worked mostly with the all-male team, but it was unusual that someone would drop her off here. He tilted his head a little, and the woman took it as a sign to continue.
“When I asked her,” she said, motioning at the door. “She said that it was her boss. What a generous mensch that was, dropping her off here!”
Does she mean Jack?
“Her boss, you say?” he inquired.
“Oh yes! Handsome fella too,” Mrs. Paulson confirmed, with a dreamy look in her face, as if remembering her days as a young woman. Her hand landed on her chest as she continued. “He opened the door for her and everything. It’s not like everyday I see a man like that around here, looking like a movie star.”
“Rosie?”
Her voice landed him back to reality. Elaine’s face struggled to keep composure, waiting for him to say something. Breathing deeply, his hands landed on his hips.
“Jack dropped you off here last Monday, didn’t he?”
“How did you–”
“Someone told me,” he cut her off immediately. “So what’s going on here?”
“I had some drinks with him, that’s all.”
“Then why did he drop you off last Monday? What was the reason?”
For a moment, Elaine considered whether to tell him the truth–the symptoms she has been experiencing, the fainting, the emergency room trip, why she cried last night. Why would she be afraid? It’s Rosie, after all, her Rosie. He’s the one who wrote to her despite not knowing how it would reach her, the one who waited for her, the one who accepted her for who she is. The one who loves her. And she loves him too.
But she can’t bring herself to tell him the truth–she doesn’t want to face how real this was becoming. There is a big chance she is pregnant and she doesn’t know what to feel about it. The changes that will happen are against her once her pregnancy is confirmed, and it’s difficult to be happy and excited about it.
So she said, “Jack has a friend around the neighborhood. He offered me a ride.”
This man helped prosecute Nazis, she thought. Would her lie be convincing enough? He was out of town for a couple of days and this is what he comes home to–a wife who is acting differently.
Rosie’s eyes were filled with doubt, worry, and a flicker of jealousy. “Are you telling the truth?”
No. “Yes.”
Rosie only grumbled and talked about how she was missed at the family dinner.
Elaine always liked the movie line, “Lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off.” In her timeline, she lived by it sometimes to fend off people she doesn’t like.
However, as she stared at Rosie’s blue and trusting eyes, she found it to be untrue.
FRIDAY
Jack Anderson was lounging in his chair, piles of papers scattered on his table. It was almost three, and at that point, he didn't know which was which among the clutter anymore. One even had a coffee ring in it, making him cluck his tongue in annoyance. Three consecutive knocks filled the air as he tried to tidy up.
“Come in!”
Slowly the door opened, revealing Elaine Rosenthal, with her purse and her expression neutral. Her eyes landed on the mess and then back to him. Jack gave him a weary look before asking what she wanted.
“I’m going to St. Bede’s now,” she told him. “Anything you need help with?”
He shook his head, frowning a little. “Uh, no, no. Want me to take you?”
“What? Why?”
“I don’t know. I just don’t want you being all alone or something,” he answered, his face uncertain as well. He thought that maybe after they went together a week ago, wouldn’t it be some sort of full circle moment to be there as well for the results?
“I’ll be fine, thanks for the offer though,” she replied. “Do you really want to be called Mr. Rosenthal again?”
This time, she was right. Some people are already talking. He overheard some speculation about him and Elaine, and he didn’t want to add more fuel to the fire.
“All right, take care,” Jack relented, waving her off. “I’ll see you on Monday. Or not.”
She gave him a wry smile and went. He watched her walk away, almost gliding from his sight. For a moment, he wished that everything would be all right with her. He reached for the phone.
“Hey Carol, can I speak to George, please? It’s about Elaine Rosenthal.”
“Elaine Rosenthal?”
The secretary’s voice woke up Elaine. She did not realize she fell asleep in the waiting room, with a magazine on her lap. A woman across from her, with her pregnant belly protruding, gave her a sympathetic smile.
“What time is it?” she asked the secretary.
“It’s 5:30. The doctor was late, I’m sorry.”
The doctor was an hour late. Or Elaine was simply too early. Thanking the secretary, she went inside.
The name A.M Willard is embroidered on her white lab coat. The doctor looked younger, which was a relief. She put on her glasses, and took her folder.
She read it, and gave Elaine a serene look.
“Congratulations, Mrs. Rosenthal,” Dr. Willard smiled at her, almost sincerely. “You’re pregnant.”
Elaine felt the ground move. Suddenly, she’s no longer in her body, as she watched Dr. Willard’s mouth start moving and telling her something. It was like she was underwater, all the sounds were baffled and she could only catch some words like ‘vitamins’ or ‘next time’. She could only stare at the doctor as she tried to make sense of it.
A mixture of emotion swirled inside her—fear, thrill, a hint of delight…but mostly fear. Was she supposed to feel this way? Isn’t she supposed to feel like she’s on top of the world? She and Rosie made a baby out of love.
Dr. Willard noticed her silence and reached for her shoulder. This snapped her out, and she could hear everything again—from the fan, to the faint noises outside.
“Is everything all right, Mrs. Rosenthal?”
“Yeah,” she frantically nodded. “Sure, sure.”
She was prescribed vitamins and also wrote the date when she is due to come back. Dr. Willard said she would also like to meet Mr. Rosenthal, so she could give him pointers as well. Elaine only nodded, thanked the doctor and left.
Clutching a bouquet of white tulips, Rosie waited at the lobby of Elaine’s office. He was met with a warm gaze of the female receptionist. He asked her about Henry, the security guard that he and Elaine knew. The receptionist replied that he did not come in today, and motioned him to one of the chairs in the lobby. Rosie thanked her and waited.
After an hour, he heard the elevators start pinging. It was the end of the day, and he watched the flock of employees walking out from the elevators. His blue eyes scanned for Elaine’s familiar figure, but as the crowd thinned out, she was not there.
However, he saw Jack Anderson. Rosie watched him stride across as if he owned the place with his casual confidence and ready charisma. He was wearing a light colored suit, a tough choice for the city, but somehow, it looked good on him. Rosie was about to avert his gaze but Jack saw him first and smiled. Oh great, Rosie thought, inwardly sighing. He knew that he and Elaine got some drinks last night and he did not like it one bit.
“Robert!” Jack called, tapping the side of his arm. Pointing at the flowers, he continued. “Looking for Ellie, huh?”
That stupid nickname, why did he even give her that name? “Ah, hey Jack,” Rosie acknowledged, smiling politely. “I–uh, yes, is she on overtime?”
“Overtime?” the other man repeated incredulously. “She already left. Went to St. Bede’s, today's–”
“St. Bede’s–the hospital? Why?” Rosie cut him off, now more curious. Jack’s mouth parted slightly and then closed his eyes, as if he realized something.
He shook his head. “Shit. She still didn’t tell you, did she?”
“Tell me what, Jack?”
Rosie has been home for two days now, and yet, there was something that Elaine hadn't told him. He did not know what to feel at the moment, other than a burning curiosity on why she went to St. Bede’s.
“Ellie fainted last Monday,” Jack finally told him, his voice lowering as someone passed them by. When the person was out of earshot, he continued. “I rushed her to St. Bede’s and she had some tests because the nurse suspected she was pregnant. She’s been throwing up and sleeping for almost two weeks now. I had to drop her off at your apartment that day.”
Elaine lied, Rosie realized bitterly. There was no friend in their neighborhood. She was not fine, unlike what she told him while he was in Boston.
“So she gets the results today?” Rosie asked instead.
The other man nodded and looked at his watch. “She left at around three. If I were you, I’d go home, Robert. She probably has the results by now.”
“Thanks, man.”
Jack watched him rush outside the doors. Rosie hailed a cab, wanting to get home as fast as he could. As he watched the scenery change in his window, his chest tightened at the idea of Elaine lying and keeping things from him.
Elaine sat alone on a bench in Battery Park, surrounded with people from all walks of life. A couple on a date, watching the ocean, probably whispering sweet promises. An old man sitting on the next bench beside her. A mother chasing a young boy, as the man behind her carries their little girl who was holding a cotton candy.
If she had a phone at hand, she would've taken a few sunset photos. Or perhaps listen to a sad boygenius song with her wired earphones. Or she already typed "How to time travel while pregnant" in her search engine.
Digging her purse for a cigarette and a lighter, the first thing she saw was the white envelope from the hospital. It was her copy of the results of the blood test she had. The paper that confirms everything.
Finally finding her lighter and a stick, she lit up. She was on her first drag when she caught herself. The cigarette was immediately thrown on to the ground—almost as if it scalded her. A man passing her by gave her an odd look.
No more. Crushing the cigarette under her sole, she watched it disintegrate into a pile of scattered paper and tobacco leaves. Almost a mush.
No more smoking or drinking! You are pregnant! You have life inside you! Your husband is not shooting blanks! Now welcome to the first day of the rest of your life!
It was now six p.m. Rosie would probably still be at work, slaving his way over some case she wouldn't understand. For a moment, she wondered if she would wind up here if she let Jack take her to the hospital. Of course they wouldn't, as he would insist on taking her home or coming back to the office.
Jack would not understand the need to exhale in front of a body of water, hoping it would drown your fears.
Joy then, mostly fear. That's what she felt the entire time she was in that cramped hospital room as the doctor discussed with her the vitamins she had to take, and when she is to return.
Her palms meet her face, slouching on her bench—it was unladylike for sure, but who cares? Tears started to fall down, hitting the concrete. The logical thing to do was to go back to Rosie and tell him. It's difficult, but it'll be over. However, her instincts scream to sit with the sunset and go home late.
She followed the latter.
The idea of leaving her work just when she's just getting started bothered her. She still wants to work after the baby arrives, but would Rosie set his foot down and ask her to stay and be a housewife? Would Jack fire her? How would it work now? Someone has to stay with the baby.
What now? What's next? Leave the city and live in a white picket house with a lawn and a golden retriever named Oatmeal? Be a good housewife— welcome him with a kiss every night, put the kid to bed, sleep and do it all over again?
Is that all there is? Is that all there will be?
As the skies grew darker and the cold air swept through the city, she walked up the sidewalk and hailed a cab.
Minton's Playhouse—probably the last place a pregnant woman should go to. The doorman knew her, so she got in easily to make her way to the bathrooms. She needed someone to talk to, not that isn’t from here.
However as she made her beeline towards the ladies', Leo was bartending tonight, and raised his hand when he spotted her.
“Laney!”
Elaine gave him a curt smile. Her feet was planted on the ground, until she decided to say hi to lessen suspicion.
"Hello there," Leo greeted, grinning. "What can I get you? Gin and tonic? And where's the husband?"
"Burning the candle on both ends," she answered, giving him a wan smile. "Can I get a, uh, ...Shirley Temple?"
"A what now?" Leo yelled through the loud music. "Who are you?"
"Aww Leo, indulge me here for a minute," Elaine begged, faking a smile. "I want a Shirley Temple. Less grenadine, please."
"All right, all right," the man relented, wiping his hand with the towel on his shoulder. "One Shirley Temple, coming right up!"
She watched Leo make her drink. He talked to the customers as he stirred, indulging with corny jokes and requests. Moments later, a tall glass of a pink drink with a striped straw and a lone cherry on top was in front of her.
“Who would’ve thought this place would have a striped straw? I feel spoiled now,” she complimented, taking a sip of the sugary drink. "Thanks Leo, this is good."
"You got it, Laney."
She took a sip. As Leo went to entertain other customers, she slipped a few bills under the glass and quietly left. When Leo returned to talk to her, she was gone. The drink was still almost full, the cherry bobbing on the surface, alongside the straw he gave her.
The bartender looked around to see if she was nearby, but she was gone. He could only scratch the back of his neck in wonder.
Elaine managed to slip in the broom closet of the ladies’ room and when she got out, she knew she was on a different time—the tiles may be the same, but the lighting and the toilets were very modern.
Striding out of the modern Minton’s, she quickly hailed a cab and told the driver an address. They quickly arrived at her destination—her old apartment. On the entrance, there was a list of names and buttons. What was Bunny’s real name again? she asked herself, staring at the six names written on a column. Right, Elizabeth, she remembered. E.D Smith, she looked for and it was at the second to the bottom. She pressed the button.
“Bunny, it’s me,” she said to the intercom. Moments later, she heard a shriek.
“Laney! Oh my gosh, yes, come right up!”
When she made the decision to be with Rosie, Elaine suggested the place to Bunny, and she loved it. Bunny has been staying there for two years now, with her partner Chris and their little baby, Mia.
Bunny welcomed Elaine with a tight hug and a kiss on the cheek. As she entered her apartment, it was nothing like hers anymore. Her friend has a more cohesive sense of aesthetic unlike her. The chairs are now matched, but Bunny kept Elaine’s wooden kitchen/dinner table. Her couch was replaced by something beige, it was messier now, with all the toys scattered, but she did not mind one bit. It looked lived in.
“You actually kept my kitchen table,” Elaine observed.
“Yeah,” her friend nodded, placing an arm around her shoulders. “Chris kept the acrylic bedside table too, if you don’t mind.”
She shook her head. “Not at all.”
Bunny led her to the beige couch and handed her a bowl of popcorn. The TV was playing some sort of children’s program.In the confines of Bunny's apartment, with her gray couch, her beige walls and flat-screen TV playing some silly children’s show, a crib, it was like she was back on being her old self with her. The convenience of things was very much welcome, but after months of being in the past, it can also be a little surprising.
In front of them was her little daughter, Mia, at probably ten months old, Elaine guessed.
“Where’s Chris?” Elaine asked, steadying the bowl of popcorn on her lap.
“Still at work,” Bunny said, now sitting beside her and leaned her head on her friend’s shoulder. “I missed you, Laney baby.”
“I missed you too,” she replied, acknowledging her touch by leaning her head against hers. They sat like that for a few minutes, with Elaine eating some of the popcorn Bunny provided. She did not realize how hungry she was until the salty sweetness of the kernels hit her taste buds.
Her friend adjusted herself. Bunny knew something was up when Elaine appeared on her door, looking disheveled and bundled up. “What are you doing here, Laney? Is everything okay?”
Elaine let out a sigh and placed the popcorn bowl on her side. Her face turned to Bunny, who was patiently waiting for her to say something, like she always does.
“I’m pregnant, Bunny.”
Bunny’s hand landed on her mouth, her eyes filled with surprise and excitement. “Are you really? It’s my turn to be a godmother?” She nodded, and for a moment, Elaine wished she shared the elation that her friend felt. Bunny’s arms were suddenly around her tightly and swayed her a little. When she let go, Bunny’s expression changed from happiness to confusion.
Tears were falling on her cheeks.
“Laney, what’s wrong? Aren’t you happy?”
“I don’t know, I don’t know,” Elaine finally admitted, her hands covering her face. Bunny rubbed her hand against her arm, comforting her. She was ashamed that she isn’t as happy. “I’m supposed to be happy, Bunny, but why do I feel this way?”
“That’s okay, you’re just scared, it’s all right…” Bunny held her again. “You’re not the first one to feel this way, Laney. It’s all right.”
“I just…I just feel…” Elaine continued. “That I’ll lose myself if I become a mom. I’ll be fired…what if she’s a girl…”
She couldn’t bring herself to continue as Jack’s words came into her mind again. Bunny shushes her and strokes her hair. They sat like that for a while, until her sobs subsided.
“It will be fine, Laney, I promise,” Bunny finally said, breaking the silence. Thankfully, Mia was still asleep and oblivious to what was happening during her slumber. “I felt the same when I learned I’m expecting Mia. But you’re not going to be alone with this.”
Elaine nodded against Bunny’s shoulder.
“You’ll lose yourself, but you’ll gain a new you,” she continued, her words coming from experience. “There’s gonna be another version of you that’s stronger and wiser when that baby arrives. It’s painful, Laney, but it’s going to be worth it, okay?”
She knew that her friend meant well, Bunny always does, but at the moment, her fear of losing her identity as a person was prevailing. She no longer lives in the 2020s, and the roles she would be thrusted upon would be more rigid. People would frown at her for wanting to work, for being less at home.
Not to mention, what if the baby is a girl? She would most likely be a time traveler, and thinking about being the girl’s mentor seemed exhausting enough already. Elaine finally saw her mother’s remark on her being pregnant with her in a different light. Her mother wasn’t also prepared to be her mentor, wasn’t she?
Slowly, she lifted herself from Bunny. Her friend’s eyes welled with tears as well. They dried each other’s tears, and in that moment, they’re no longer friends, but sisters. Elaine and Bunny held each other, until they heard Mia stir and woke up. Bunny removed herself from Laney and went to her daughter, lifting her from the crib.
Mia cooed and smiled at Elaine.
“That’s your auntie Elaine,” Bunny introduced, pointing at her friend. Elaine gave the little girl a wave, and Mia chuckled. “Wanna hold her?”
“Sure,” Elaine relented. Mia seemed to take a liking at her auntie Elaine already. She rested her head against her auntie’s shoulder, as if comforting her. Bunny started taking pictures of them, making Elaine groan.
“I look like shit,” Elaine remarked as she bounced the little girl.
“Mia, you like Auntie Laney, no?” Bunny asked, ignoring her and taking pictures gleefully. Mia lifted her head and nodded. “See, you’re a natural.”
It was already late in the evening, Rosie might be at home now, but these days, she doesn’t know about his amount of work. Looking at the time, she might have outstayed her welcome. She handed Mia back to Bunny, which looked at her confused.
“You’re leaving?” Bunny asked as Elaine walked towards the door. She nodded and gave Bunny a tight hug and Mia a kiss on her chubby cheek.
Her hand reached for the door. “I’ll see you later, Bunny. Thanks for tonight.”
Slipping back in 1948, Elaine found herself roaming around aimlessly. She doesn’t want to go home yet. It was dangerous, she knew, so she asked the taxi driver to take her to a bar.
She entered a dimly-lit bar and ordered a Roy Rogers, the only other non-alcoholic drink she could think of. Sitting all alone at the bar, she watched people around her—men on a table playing cards, some women chatting, and some lovers sitting by themselves, petting. At the corner of the bar was a small stage with a band, playing hot jazz.
Rosie would’ve recognized what they were playing in a minute, Elaine thought. Her drink arrived, a tall glass with a lone cherry floating above. No straw this time, fair enough. She took a sip and let the saccharine taste conquer tonight. After all, it was calm before the storm.
“Elaine Byrne! Do my eyes deceive me!”
In the dark, Elaine did not recognize Harry Fawn until he came nearer to a lamp. His blond hair is a mess, his face flushed, his breath obviously reeks of alcohol. He gave her a one-arm hug and sat at the chair next to her.
“One scotch! On the rocks!” Harry waved at the waiter. Elaine watched the waiter quickly make his drink and turned back to Harry. He was grinning.
She frowned. “You’ve had too much to drink, Harry.”
The glass of scotch appeared a moment later. “Me? No! Where’s the boyfriend?”
“You mean my husband?”
“Yeah! The pilot! Rosenberg? Where is he?”
“Rosenthal. And he’s probably still working,” she replied blandly. Harry smirked, almost an opportunistic one.
“Wanna dance?”
“No,” she quickly declined, having a hint where this might go. She placed a few bills under the half-full glass. “I have to go, Harry. Good to see you.”
As Elaine got off her seat, Harry did too and suddenly rested his hand on her waist. Elaine froze and her jaw tightened. Harry Fawn’s smirk was still etched in his face.
“Let me go, Harry,” she complained, removing his hand on her waist. But this only made him cling more. “I swear, Harry—”
“Aw come on doll,” Harry insisted, still smiling. As his hand slowly drifted to her behind, she had enough. “Just one dance, I know your husband wouldn’t mind. He’s not here, isn’t he?”
He’s not here, isn’t he?
Elaine finally pushed him off, making him fall backwards into the floor and creating a domino effect on those beside him. He was now on the floor, face flushed, eyes angry.
“Bitch!”
A lump formed on her throat. “Yeah, leave me alone, pervert!”
Rushing outside the bar, tears started flowing again. It’s probably time to go home. She waited for a few minutes as taxis passed her by, until one stopped and took her home.
Back in their apartment, Rosie was waiting anxiously for Elaine. The white tulips were now in a glass filled with water, and a paper bag of her favorite take out is now drenched in grease on their kitchen table.
He hasn’t changed into his sleep clothes because what if he has to report she’s missing? He has no way to contact her mother and ask if she traveled to her time, and he cursed that he can’t time travel like her.
It was fifteen minutes past twelve when he heard the door open. It was Elaine, looking worn out and forlorn.
Rosie didn’t speak. He just waited for her to finish placing her shoes back on the rack, her purse at the back of the door, and turned to face him. His expression was serious, almost as though he was about to scold her. She stood a few steps away from him, bracing herself for what he would say.
“Where the hell have you been?” he demanded, his voice cold and sharp.
“Out,” she replied, trying to keep her tone neutral. “Why?”
“Care to tell me why you were in St. Bede’s today?”
Elaine’s breath caught in her throat. “How did you—”
“Jack told me,” Rosie said quietly, as if it was the start of a storm. “You fainted at work, went to the hospital, and you didn’t bother to tell me. Why?”
“Did you go to—”
“Yes, I went to your office, Elaine! I’ve been waiting for hours to hear from you!” His voice rose as he finished the sentence for her, the anger evident in his tone.
Her stomach twisted in a knot. Shit.
“I didn’t want to bother you,” she muttered, trying to downplay it. “It’s no big deal.”
“No big deal?!” Rosie was practically shaking with frustration now. “Do you hear yourself?”
He stepped closer, his eyes flashing.
“You’re telling me it’s no big deal that my wife is alone in a hospital, and I have to hear it from someone else? You didn’t think I’d be worried? You didn’t think to call me? You think you can just handle all of this by yourself? What the hell were you thinking, Elaine?”
Elaine snapped, her emotions flooding out in one rush. “Maybe I was thinking I didn’t want to scare you! I didn’t want to worry you over something that might turn out to be nothing! I didn’t want to be a burden!”
Rosie’s face twisted with disbelief. “A burden?” he repeated, his voice dangerously low. “You’re my wife, Elaine. You are not a burden. But apparently, I’m not even worthy of knowing what is going on with you.”
Elaine couldn’t speak at the moment as he watched Rosie pace and run his fingers through his hair in frustration. The air inside was thick with tension, and for a second, she wondered if their neighbors could hear them.
“You know what angers me the most?” Rosie asked, almost sarcastically. He did not let her answer the question as he held up a finger before she could start.
“You lied to me. You kept this from me. What, I go away for a few days and I’m a stranger? I don’t even deserve to know what’s going on with my own wife?”
Rosie continued after taking a deep breath. His face is now almost flushed. “You go to the hospital, faint in front of people, and I’m the one left in the dark? I should’ve been there,” he reasoned, motioning to himself. “But no, instead, I get the news from Jack. Jack! Of all people!”
Elaine now felt her own anger boiling over. “Oh, so now it’s Jack’s fault? Is that what you’re mad about, Rosie? Because you don’t get to have control over every damn thing in my life. I don’t owe you an explanation for everything I do!”
“Bullshit,” he snarled, his voice shaking with fury. This was the first time she ever heard him say that. “You owe me honesty, Elaine. You owe me respect.” He threw his hands up in exasperation, pacing in the living room.
“I wasn’t hiding from you, Rosie. I just didn’t know how to tell you—okay?” Her chest tightening as she struggles to find the words to say. At this point, there was nothing to tell but the truth. She could only hope he would believe him. “I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know if I was making a big deal out of nothing, and I didn’t want to put it all on you unless I knew for sure.”
A pause. Elaine could only look at Rosie, his face still with an unreadable expression. His jaw was still rigid, as if thinking what he would say next. Her green eyes blurred with tears that were threatening to fall, so she immediately wiped them with the back of her hand. She wanted to scream into the void.
Finally, Rosie spoke. “So what was the result?”
Announcing a pregnancy was supposed to be joyful, but instead, they were yelling at each other. She didn’t answer him. Instead, she shook her head and slammed the bedroom door in his face. She couldn’t do this. Not now.
“Elaine,” Rosie called from the other side of the door. “We’re not done here.”
Minutes later, the door creaked open. She could feel his eyes on her as she adjusted the pillow and blanket tucked under her arm.
“What—”
“We’re done for now,” Elaine cut him off, not meeting his gaze. She placed the pillow and blanket on the couch, and sat. “I’m tired. I just want to go to sleep.”
“So that’s it?” Rosie asked, his voice strained. “We’re just going to leave it like this? What did the results say?”
“I really don’t want to do this tonight, Robert,” she sighed.
The use of his full name made him flinch a little. The usage of his full name was something she hasn’t done for a long time, which made his chest constrict a little.
“So let’s just sleep this off, and we’ll talk tomorrow.”
She fixed her new sleeping place as her husband watched her. Elaine gave him a last look and then lied down,turned her back from him, pondering about what tomorrow could be. Rosie could only stand there, his anger still simmering as she did not move. She can be stubborn if she wants to be, and tonight was one of those instances.
Sighing heavily, he went back to their empty bed. Tonight could’ve been a reunion of some sort after his week-long stay in Boston. He remembered the excitement he felt as he got off the train, to finally come home to her arms again. Instead, here they are, steps away from each other, but it feels like miles away. Rosie looked at the ceiling, waiting and hoping she’ll change her mind and go back. As sleep and fatigue took over, she did not.
SATURDAY
Rosie woke up to the sound of an open faucet and muffled retching. Their bathroom door was closed, but the gap between the door and floor showed that the lights were open.Without thinking, he pushed the door and he saw Elaine was slumped over the toilet, a sheen of sweat on her forehead reflected by the light.
"Elaine!"
He rushed forward, panicked. Another bout of heaving started, and he gathered her hair behind, pulling it back with his hands slightly trembling. He slid his hand up and down her back, soothing her. It lasted for a minute or two, before she leaned her head against the cool porcelain of the bowl.
"Please Elaine…tell me what's going on," he whispered against her ear, trying to swallow the lump forming on his throat. "I’m really worried now. What’s happening?"
She nodded, barely realizing he was there, and leaned against the wall. He took in her appearance—there were now dark circles underneath her eyes, pale pallor, and her hair lost its shine. The two sat on the cold floor for a while—Elaine was trying to catch her breath, while Rosie continued to rub her back for comfort.
They sat there for a long time, just the sound of the open faucet and her shallow breathing in the air. Slowly, her palm flattened on the floor and pushed herself off from the floor. Rosie assisted her to the sink. As she brushed her teeth, his gaze was heavy on her, waiting patiently.
When she finished, she finally faced him, leaning against the sink.
"We're having a baby, Rosie," she whispered, her voice still a little hoarse from vomiting. The words sounded heavy from her lips, as if it was from somewhere within her.
Silence fell between the two. Elaine closed her eyes for a second, waiting for the nausea to subside. When she opened her eyes, Rosie was staring at her.
"What? We're...we're gonna be parents?" he asked, a hint of wonder and excitement etched in his face. His face faltered a little as he looked at her, almost bearing a face of uncertainty now.
“I’m gonna be a father?”
It pained her to see his face like that, as he didn't deserve her fear, but she couldn't help it. She only nodded in confirmation, and he gathered her in his arms, holding her tightly as if the moment his grip loosened, she'd disappear.
“Oh darling…”
"Everything’s gonna change…I’m so scared," her voice muffled against him. Her body shook as he pressed her face against his chest. He slid his hand over her back, calming her down. Rosie’s heart ached as her sobs continued.
“We’re gonna be alright, darling…” he shushed, kissing parts of her he could reach–her hair, her forehead, her temple, everything. “I’m here, I’m here…”
“But everything’s changing, Rosie,” Elaine countered, her voice cracking from the weight of her emotions. “Am I gonna be a good mother? What if the baby’s a girl? There’s a big chance she’s going to be like me and I…can’t–I don’t–what if I can’t protect her? What if I fail her?”
Rosie’s heart clenched as he listened to her confess her fears to him. In this rare display of raw pain and vulnerability, he realized that it wasn’t only about motherhood, but her fear of history repeating. She pulled herself away from him for a second, and he saw her eyes filled with tears and her face now flushed. Closing her eyes, more tears fell.
“As soon as I start showing, they’ll expect me to quit. I’ll be forced to resign,” she continued.
“Elaine, you don’t know that…”
“It’s true!” she insisted, remembering what Jack told her and the gossip she heard. “Pregnant women are expected to quit, heck, they even expected it once someone gets married because they’re expected to raise children. What the fuck is that even about?”
Laughing bitterly and without humor, she continued. “I worked hard like everyone else in that damn place. Hell, I even did the jobs I’m not even supposed to do! And now, with this…I’ll be pushed out. I’m a fucking inconvenience.”
“Elaine, it’s going to be all–”
“Don’t tell me it’s going to be all right!” she snapped, pulling away from him slightly. “It’s not going to be ‘all right’ because it’s not, okay? Everything I’ve worked for, it’s done. It’s over. I don’t get to ‘bounce back’. Without this job, I feel like I’m going to lose myself. I’ll be just someone’s mother. And you don’t know how cruel the world could be to mothers.”
Her words hung in the air, adding to the tension inside the room. It felt suffocating for Rosie, as he did not know how to make her feel better. Elaine’s words were harsh, but there was truth in it. Rosie did not know how to erase the reality of what she might face in the future, or everything will work out. If he could only shield her from the world, he would. But he can’t.
Gently, he reached and cupped her face with his hand and wiped the tears falling from her eyes with his thumb. “Look, I…I know I can’t erase your fears and I’m not sure what will happen next, but I want you to know that you won’t be alone with this. I love you, and I always will, and I’ll be there with you through it all. I’m not going to leave.”
Elaine did not answer right away, but instead, she wrapped her arms around his neck and rested her head on his shoulder. His arms held her firmly. The sound of his heartbeat against his chest was comforting enough, and he felt her tears through his shirt once again. He continued to hold her and stroke her back to comfort her, until her cries slowed down.
Her eyes were red and tired, but she can feel the weight of her worries lessen. As she got lost in his ocean eyes, she brushed her thumb against his cheek, reminding herself that he’s here and she’s not alone to face everything. They stared at each other for a moment, just taking in each other, until Rosie placed a kiss on her forehead.
For the first time in days, she let herself hope.