Chapter Text
Darcy sat silently on the couch, her lips still tingling from Steve’s kiss, and her heart thudding against her rib cage like a wild animal, refusing to slow down. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t focus on anything but his soft lips and his strong arms surrounding her, pulling her in, making her lose control for a brief moment.
As the time passed and her heartbeats returned to normal, other things started filtering in. His plea to let him in, his confession about that drunken night in his apartment, the knowledge that he wanted her as much as she wanted him, his insistence that her dad was to blame for Darcy’s insecurities and the fact that he had put up the fight of his life trying to convince her that he loved her and that they would be good together.
Darcy knew that he was telling the truth. The way he looked at her and the way he had kissed her was proof enough. But how long would that last? Would he always want her? What if he got tired of her? What if someone else better than Darcy walked into his life? Then would he still love her like he claimed to love her now?
Was her dad really responsible for how Darcy perceived people? Was she so far gone, as Steve put it, that she couldn’t see the difference between facing her feelings for someone and running away?
Darcy buried her face in her hands. This wasn’t a difficult decision. They both loved each other, something that Darcy hadn’t expected to ever happen, something that she was still trying to comprehend even though she now knew it was true. All she had to do was knock on his door and for once take the initiative not just because of Steve but because she deserved love and she deserved a happy ending, too.
Steve’s words came to her – I want you to put aside all your insecurities and doubts and just believe in me. He wanted her to take a chance on their relationship. Was she brave enough to do that? Brave enough to say yes? She had said no all her life for fear of rejection or failure but saying yes to this, to Steve, would perhaps be the bravest and riskiest thing she would ever do knowing that it had the potential to break her heart like she expected and shatter her completely should something happen or should they break apart.
She didn’t realize she was pacing until she looked around and found herself standing by the door, having circled the whole room several times. Very slowly, she opened it and peered outside. The corridor was dim and empty. She checked her wristwatch. Four thirty in the morning. She realized she had been pondering over this for almost six hours! Without thinking, she stepped out and shut the door behind her with the keycard still inside.
“Damn,” she muttered.
Not having any other choice, she took the left turn and padded down the hall, reading the names on the doors. N. Romanoff, Vision, and finally, Cpt. S. Rogers. Darcy stopped before his door and fidgeted, wondering what to do. It was the middle of the night, he was probably sleeping and she couldn’t just disregard that fact and barge in. She looked up and down the hall nervously, then back at Steve’s door. A little detail caught her eye that she had missed before. Someone had stuck a paper heart below his name that said ‘Lover boy’ in pink sparkling letters – it made her giggle.
Just as she had decided to go back and sit outside her room until F.R.I.D.A.Y. took pity on her and let her in, the door to Steve’s room opened and she found herself staring at him in surprise.
“Hi,” she breathed. “I… uh… locked myself out of my room.”
He was silent for a moment and Darcy wondered if it was disappointment that she saw in his eyes.
“You want me to override the security protocols?” he asked her, his tone oddly formal.
“No, I…” Darcy gulped, lowering her gaze. “May I come in?”
He nodded and stepped aside. Darcy walked in, feeling decidedly out of her element. She took in her surroundings briefly – his suite was bigger and cozier than hers – before turning back to face him. He was still standing by the door with his arms crossed, watching her curiously.
She took a deep breath and decided to go for it. “I’m sorry,” she mumbled, “for everything… for hurting you.”
He didn’t say anything and she assumed maybe he was waiting for her to say more. It was a tense silence where he waited patiently while she debated how to tell him what she wanted and where to start. She knew now why she had come to his door. She was going to take a chance not just because it felt right – oh, so right – but because she owed it to the both of them to make the right choice for once. To stay and to let him love her like he promised he would.
“I’m sorry, too,” his voice broke through her thoughts, “for letting you go to London, for not telling you how I felt about you.”
“No, Steve, you shouldn’t be sorry for that,” said Darcy immediately. “I was an idiot. You were right, I was running away because I was afraid. How were you to know what I was going through?”
He shook his head, his expression regretful. “I’ve given this a lot of thought, Darcy, and I should have known. I should have realized the truth about you sooner than I did but I was too absorbed in my own grief, my own refusal to move on in life…”
“And it’s okay,” interrupted Darcy forcefully. “I get it. You were mourning. You’ve been through a lot of shit, Steve. I understood that but I just couldn’t stop my stupid heart from falling for you.” She shrugged and smiled ruefully. “Pretty crazy, huh?”
“Not really,” he said. “I fell for you, too.”
“Took you long enough,” Darcy attempted to joke.
“Am I really too late?”
Darcy looked at him, at the tenderness and hope in his eyes, and for the first time in a long time, she felt lighter, happier, and bolder, as if she could take on any challenge, win any fight if she just had Steve by her side. Maybe he felt the same way about her. She gave him a smile and shook her head slowly, meaningfully, and watched as his eyes lit up with relief and adoration. He crossed the distance between them and she met him halfway, throwing her arms around him in a tight hug.
“I love you,” he said, his face buried in her neck.
“I love you, too,” she said giddily, tightening her hold on him.
He pressed a soft kiss to her skin, making her shiver. “So you’ll stay?” he asked expectantly.
Darcy pulled back and regarded him with narrowed eyes. “In the Avengers facility?” He nodded. “I’m not an Avenger,” she reminded him.
“It doesn’t matter. You’ll stay here, with me.”
“So wait, you’re asking me to move in with you?”
Steve’s eyes widened and he suddenly looked rather nervous. “Well, we were living together before and I want… I want you by my side,” he mumbled, peeking at her through his lashes abashedly.
A smile spread across Darcy’s lips. “All day every day?” she asked, quoting him from last night.
He barked out a laugh. “Yeah, exactly that. You make me say the cheesiest things.” He paused, then repeated, “So you’ll stay?”
“Yes.”
“And you won’t leave me again?”
“Not as long as you want me.”
“I’ll always want you.”
“Always is a long time. How do you know?”
He took her face in his hands, forcing her to look in his eyes and pay attention. “D’you know, Wanda’s magic gave me a vision. It was strange at first but then I saw Peggy and she told me the war is over and I could go home. And I realized, she was talking about you! You are my home. You have been since I got out of the ice. You make me happy, Darcy. You make me so happy. I just want to look at you and talk to you and kiss you and I want to keep repeating that cycle until I die. I’ve never felt this way about anyone.”
“Not even Peggy?” she asked him in a small voice, because she couldn’t help herself.
“Not even Peggy,” he confirmed. “I don’t think I was ever in love with her. I liked the idea of her and when I came out of the ice, I wished I had more time with her. But that’s all in the past now.”
“Do you still think about her?”
“Sometimes,” he admitted, his eyes glazing over slightly. “But it’s better, it’s like I remember the good stuff and the bad memories are gone. Or rather, I’ve gotten over them.”
“That’s good,” Darcy said sincerely, awash with the relief she felt at hearing him say that he had moved on. He was okay, and if he was, then so was she.
She stood on her tiptoes to kiss him, because he was right there and because apparently now she was allowed to stare at him and kiss him without feeling like a creep. He wanted her to kiss him, he enjoyed it. It was a thrilling realization.
He kissed her back, pressing his lips to hers in a series of short open-mouthed kisses. His hands wandered down her sides, clutching at her hips and pulling her into him, and she couldn’t hold back the soft moan that escaped her lips.
“Darcy,” he murmured between kisses.
“Hmm?”
“You aren’t still with Ian, are you?”
He dragged his lips away from hers to plant a kiss on her jaw and her cheek and the skin below her ear and Darcy bit her lip, trying hard to remember what he had just asked her. It was hard to focus when he was touching her the way he was.
“Who?” she breathed distractedly.
Steve stilled and pulled back reluctantly. “Ian. Is he… waiting for you in London?”
Darcy blinked rapidly and through the haze in her mind, his words slowly filtered in, making her glare at him.
“No! You think I’d be making out with you if Ian was still my boyfriend?” she accused with a huff.
Steve looked sheepish. “Well… you do love me more,” he said and if he sounded just a little bit smug, Darcy wasn’t going to begrudge him for it.
She did smack him on the arm. “We broke up weeks ago,” she told him. “We weren’t even properly together. He saved my life once and I was on an adrenaline rush, so I thanked him with a kiss. We just went from there, you know.”
“Okay.” He leaned down to capture her lips again but Darcy giggled and pushed him back.
“What are you doing?”
“What does it look like? I’m kissing you.”
“Haven’t you had enough?”
“Ask me tomorrow,” he said, attempting to sneak in a kiss.
Darcy turned her face. “I won’t be here tomorrow.”
Steve straightened immediately. “No. You said you’d stay.”
“Yes, but I can’t let Jane go to Miami alone.” She watched a frown mar his handsome features and tried not to feel too good about it. “I promise to come back. It’s just five days,” she assured.
When he kept frowning adorably, Darcy pressed a kiss to his chin. “Don’t be a baby. I’ll be back before you know it.”
“Fine,” he huffed. “Let’s go.”
“Uh… where?”
He took her hand and tugged. “To bed. I haven’t slept properly in months,” he complained. “But now that you’re here…”
She remembered him telling her that he couldn’t sleep without her in his bed and a blush crept up her cheeks when her mind wandered on to the other things that could be done in a bed. Thankfully, Steve was marching ahead of her, still holding onto her hand, and hadn’t noticed her blush. His bedroom was marvelous, big and neat with everything decorated in blues and grays that reflected his personality so well that Darcy had to admire whoever had been in charge of designing his room.
There was a work table by the window that caught her eye. A sketchbook and some pencils lay on it. Steve followed her gaze and told her that she was free to touch anything she wished. She walked up to the work table and opened the sketchbook. There were various drawings of people and places in there. There was one of the New York skyline, another of the Hulk, yet another of Iron Man carrying a missile on his back, the drawing of the Winter Soldier was her favorite – Darcy had no idea what Bucky Barnes looked like but now she knew because Steve’s sketch was so detailed and beautiful.
“I didn’t know you could draw,” she whispered, staring at his work in awe.
Back when they were living together in New York, she had noticed that Steve had the habit of doodling. He mostly made rough sketches on paper napkins and then threw them away but once or twice, she had caught him making doodles in the novels she used to read. That should have been clue enough for her but it wasn’t because this level of detailing surprised and amazed her.
He didn’t reply, just watched silently as she flipped another page and came face to face with a drawing of herself. Darcy gasped. She did not look like that, did she? Because the woman in the drawing was beautiful! He had drawn her sitting on the bed in his New York apartment, her arms circling her bent knees, her thick hair falling over her shoulders in a wavy mess, her eyes staring at something outside the sketch and the expression on her face wistful, almost heartbreaking.
“I don’t remember this,” she murmured, her eyes fixed on the sketch. “When was this?”
“That night you forgot about,” he replied with a small smile.
“I look… sad.”
“You were sad. You kept saying you wanted to tell me something but when I asked what, you would just say ‘it hurts, Steve’ … and I realized much later what it was that you wanted to tell me.”
She couldn’t look away. She was seeing herself from Steve’s eyes and it was so different. He had made her look beautiful, no doubt, but he had captured those emotions on her face that she had been trying so hard to hide from him. This was not the Darcy that stared at her in the mirror. This was not the Darcy from three years ago. This was the Darcy who carried a secret, a secret that had changed her life, made her happy some days and miserable most days. She had been a sad victim of unrequited love and Steve had captured just that.
He must have mistaken her silence for hurt because he leaned forward and closed the sketchbook. “I’m sorry,” he mumbled shamefully. “I shouldn’t have let you see it. I know it’s still sore for you…”
“No, it’s… beautiful, Steve. Thank you,” said Darcy, taking his hand and giving it a squeeze. “I just… wasn’t expecting it.”
“Oh.”
“Is this how you see me?” She didn’t mean looks, she meant the emotions.
He must have understood because he was prompt to respond, “Not always.”
It was more than a satisfactory answer and the heaviness in her heart subsided. “Good.”
She motioned to the bed. “Wanna catch some sleep? Jane and I leave at ten.”
“Yeah. But I still don’t like that you’re leaving. I literally just got you back!”
“Five days, Steve, five days.”
Their sleeping arrangement was very different this time. Darcy wasn’t sitting and Steve wasn’t in her lap. They were lying on the bed, facing each other with Steve’s arm draped around her waist, holding her close. Darcy let her fingers freely trace the outline of his face while his eyes raked over her, greedily committing her features to memory.
“You’re gorgeous,” he whispered, causing her cheeks to redden. “What are you thinking?”
“I’m still wondering how this is not a dream.”
“Is that what you dream about – you and me?”
Her gaze followed her fingers down his jaw and then up his face again. She nodded.
“What else?” Steve asked, interested.
“I couldn’t tell you.”
“Why not?”
Darcy bit her lip and lowered her eyes, feeling a hot flush creeping up her neck.
“Oh,” he mumbled and she looked up to find his cheeks tinged pink. “That.”
“That,” she echoed.
Something changed in his eyes and his lips parted slightly and Darcy knew he was about to kiss her. She brought her fingers to cover his mouth, effectively stopping him. “Wait,” she breathed. “I want to tell you something first.”
He blinked and focused on her seriously, his eyes urging her to continue. She curled her hands beneath her chin and took a deep breath.
“I don’t know how to do this,” she began, “this thing that we’re doing. I haven’t been in a lot of relationships. My mom didn’t approve of the guys that my dad liked and my dad always believed my mom’s choices were piss poor. You’re the only person that I…” Darcy paused, gathering her wits, “and you took quite some time to notice me. And now we’re together and it’s all happening so fast that I can’t… I can’t…”
Steve brought his hand up to stroke her cheek. “It’s okay,” he soothed.
Darcy swallowed and continued. “I guess what I’m trying to say is that it’s hard for me to believe that this is all true. I’ve been hiding my feelings for so long, I had myself convinced that you would never want me back. But now you do and I want you to know that I’m going to fight this, this insecurity that I have, because I want to be with you. But… but I’m scared that my doubts will never truly go away – I’ve lived with them for so long, they’re a part of me – and that I’ll end up making things difficult for you, for us.”
Steve sighed. “Darcy.”
“No, Steve, let me finish,” pleaded Darcy. “Knowing you and being in love with you has changed me. One thing that hasn’t changed is my faith in you. And with that faith, I implore you that when I act crazy sometimes, when I start to make things difficult, at that time you won’t leave my side and you won’t… give up on me.”
He waited to see whether she was finished and then spoke, “You’re not the only one who’s scared, Darcy. When I came to your room last night, I didn’t know how it would all end but I was prepared to not let you go without a fight. I’ve lost you twice already, Darcy, and that there is where all my fears lie. I’ve lost a lot of people that I love and I don’t want to lose any more, especially you. Because I’ve finally found you and I’m not ready to let you go, not now, not ever.”
Darcy let his words wash over her, a sweet dull ache settling in her chest. She questioned herself why she hadn’t noticed how alike the two of them were in so many ways. Both had been through life threatening situations, both had loved and lost, and both had enough insecurities to rock a boat. Yet, there they were, in each other’s arms, placing all their fears and inhibitions aside because they loved each other.
And if Steve was willing to fight for her, then Darcy was no weak soul – she would fight for him too. He was worth it.
“We can do this,” she said determinedly. “Everything is going to be fine. I just know it.”
“The universe can’t be that cruel, right?” murmured Steve, his words a distant echo of something Darcy had said to him a long time ago.
A slow smile stretched across Darcy’s face. “Absolutely.”
Steve grinned and leaned in to kiss her and this time, she let him.
The End.