Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

“I want to.”

Tsukasa is a bit sleepy to fully consider the consequences of his comment, and truly, he doesn't really care. Not at the minute, anyway. He's so tired, and he doesn't care who Rui thinks he thinks is gonna be watching them, because it's no one. Tsukasa just wants to hug a big ole teddy bear, and Rui is the next best thing! Other features include that he is warm, and that he breathes, and that he has a heartbeat!

It’s not like everything he does now has to all be about the fake dating thing. The pretending is fun, but also sort of annoying at some points. He feels like, now that he has been using an excuse to do certain things, that means that everything involving Rui that he does also has to be part of the charade. Is just wanting to spend time with one of his best friends such a big deal? It’s his own bed, and if he wants to be close to and lay with someone in it, then he can do that!!

And bros do that all the time too. It’s not like it’s weird or anything. 

…

…

…… Tsukasa isn’t really sure who he’s trying to convince. Himself, he supposes, but there’s no reason for him to feel any sort of insecurity. He doesn’t think.

Again, it flits across his mind that maybe he’s taken it too far, but he wholly and 100% trusts Rui to tell him if things ever get too much for him, and especially if he doesn't want to do something. The great thing about this plot is that, in not too long, they can cut it off whenever they want! And they can totally go back to normal and it won’t be a thing anymore! Listen, Tsukasa has read enough manga! He’s watched South Park! He knows that this is going to work! It’s foolproof! They won’t even know they’re getting tricked! It’s the perfect victory!

…

He pauses, filled with something like unease. He shifts in bed, wiggling into a slightly more comfortable position. Tsukasa furrows his brows. He’s not sure what his problem is. He should be able to get to sleep, but his heart is beating kind of fast. That’s not all that new for him, but still, along with everything else, and racing thoughts he can hardly even reach out to grab onto before they’ve moved onto something else, it’s very much bothering him. 

Maybe… 

He supposes, well, maybe he could be going about this the wrong way. His thought process that is. Maybe he's been coming on too strong, maybe Rui feels like he's on the receiving end of an excuse. 

Tsukasa pulls him a little closer, just in case he does. This whole thing of being so close all the time hasn't brought them apart. 

… He hopes. He thinks that'd be the worst outcome out of them all. 

…

It's alright. He knows not to trust thoughts past 9 pm anyhow. Rui wouldn't let something like that happen without telling him. 

Tsukasa closes his eyes again, resting, relaxing his body. Time to actually sleep now. He doesn't feel like thinking about things any longer.

Even though he sort of has a feeling he wasn't wondering about the right thing. 

He's missing something, he's sure, he's positive, he just can't quite put his finger on what.

— — — 

That test has only gotten closer and closer, and it’s not looking great for our hero. 

Tsukasa has been doing his best to be productive and not, under any circumstance, procrastinate. When a test is given so far in advance, and in a subject he knows he’s not learning well in, that’s how you know you have to really lock in and start paying attention and actually learning!

For a test right before a break, too, he knows without a doubt it’s an important one that’ll contribute to lots of his grade. He’d know it even if their teacher didn't tell it to them. 

Tsukasa does not think he’s even close to being able to pass this thing, let alone ace it. He, at first, was pretty sure he’d be able to pass, but was studying for the sake of getting more points for his overall grade, but now? Now, that more classes have come and gone, more formulas and concepts and problems came and stayed? He’s more concerned about whether or not he’s actually going to reach that benchmark!

He’s not sure what to do, because he’s been studying pretty hard already, oftentimes with Rui or another group, and… well, he’s not sure how much more effort he could be putting in! It’s the worst, because he feels like he understands the concepts, but then when he actually has to apply them, even with a formula and a calculator, he can’t reproduce anything good on the first try!

And, you’d think, that with so many mistakes only brings more potential to learn from himself, and he did too, but you’d be wrong! No matter how many times he got something wrong, searched and found and understood why he got it wrong, he would still continue to get it wrong in the future! Tsukasa can count on one hand the amount of answers he got right on the first try per study session, and honestly, the number never went up! His potential to get better and grow was being stifled by more and more problems as the trimester went on! 

He wants to take a break, wants a day where they can go out and do something fun together, but honestly, he doesn’t really deserve one. He’s been studying so much, but more often than not, especially if it’s with Rui, he gets distracted or dejected halfway through and gives up. 

It’s not like he can help it! Rui is generally fun to be around, and just his appearance is associated with anything other than schoolwork to Tsukasa. To be honest, it sort of bugs Tsukasa that he's the one asking Rui for help, and not the other way around. It should be that the one always getting in trouble with the teachers who struggles with his grades!

Well, whatever. He supposes it's not the biggest issue in the world. That's just how it is. 

Hey, speaking of, he should text Rui.

His heart sort of jumps as he picks up his phone out of his pocket, and upon realizing it, Tsukasa stops in place. He glances behind him to make sure he's in nobody's way, in the middle of this public sidewalk, then looks down at the dark screen. 

He hadn't even turned it on, yet he'd gotten such a jolt just thinking about texting Rui. 

Man, what happened? Seriously! Nothing actually changed between them any time recently, but..

…

He thinks he might know.

Tsukasa starts walking again. It's nothing to be weird about. Y'know, he should be talking to Rui anyway about how they can ‘break it off,’ go back to normal. Tsukasa hasn't really been going out of his way to do anything differently, aside from the obvious, just wanted to be out in public more often. 

And when he stops thinking like that, maybe… Well, maybe it'll feel less weird doing things alone with Rui. 

Not weird as in bad, or weird as in weird, just…

Okay, well, he's not sure, to be honest. Thinking about it brings him this weird jumpy feeling, flutters in his stomach, it's… bothering him. He can't seem to rid himself of it. Not of Rui in general - they haven't gotten any less attached at the hip, but Rui is in his thoughts significantly more often, now. To be honest, it's turned to daydreaming, and while Tsukasa appreciates the ideas for stunts that he gets, he'd rather them be less out of the blue. 

Like, for a second, every few times they study, Tsukasa will look up and to the side at Rui, and think he's moving to kiss him. Totally out of the blue, and with no reason, and to be honest, it really surprises him whenever he snaps back into reality. 

He hasn't had a daydreaming problem for a while. It's a little hard to get used to again. 

Right, studying! He looks down at his phone and actually turns it on and unlocks it, going to text Rui. Maybe at this point he should just ask him to reteach it to him, but that would be a bit too much to ask of him. He already asks Rui for quite a lot while studying already…

He types out a text to Rui, telling him he's on his way home, and would he mind studying with him more?

He goes to hit send, but gets a bit nervous. Tsukasa rereads the text once, then twice, then again and again. He changes a word every few reads, making sure it's perfect, and that not a letter is out of place. 

Tsukasa is still a bit nervous to hit send. He knows it's good, and that he should just do it already, but he can hardly get his thumb near the button. 

Whatever. Whatever, there's no reason, nothing at all, for him to be so worried about such a simple thing! He finally clicks send, frustrated with himself, then exhales heavily and goes to put his phone away.

He pauses for a second.

Aren't these symptoms of something he's heard of before?

People on TV and in manga always talk about it, and sometimes adults did too when he was littler. 

Tsukasa slows his walking. No, but it couldn't be him. He was pretty sure that, if it was going to happen, it would have happened by now.

Nothing would have changed! Not unless there's a second puberty. Sarcasm. 

Actually, well, it's worth a Google search, no? Is there any reason anything should be changing in the way his brain is wired at 17? He knows the big turning point for a lot of things is 18 or 21, but he's pretty sure that's, like, brain development and simple experience with living. It would be pretty rude to say that you grow into this sort of thing.

As he's figuring out what sorts of keywords to use to get the best results,  Rui texts him back. Tsukasa grins, feeling giddy, and clicks on the notification to open the chat immediately. 

Ruiriri - Of course I wouldn't mind. :3c Should I start to head over, or do you want to come to my house? 

Tsukasa smiles, bringing his free hand up to his mouth. He nibbles a bit on nothing, busying his mouth as he thinks of what to say. He's been doing a lot of studying at his own house, it would be nice for a change of scenery!

That's exactly what he sends to Rui, though he spends way too long typing and fixing things up relative to how short the message actually was. He finds and sends a fitting kaomoji in a separate message, then puts his phone down and speeds up his walking speed a bit in excitement. 

Maybe his emotional capacity has gotten lower, and that's why he feels like he's feeling things so much stronger than he has been! Great thinking outside the box there. 

Tsukasa reroutes in his mind, changing paths slightly to make his way towards Rui’s abode instead of his own. He should have everything he needs to study on hand, and also, his wallet! Just in case they decide to go out somewhere or order something to eat! Oh yeah, he’s totally set.

Well, except for that he really doesn’t want to study, but that part isn’t what matters. He’ll get in the mood to study on the way, because it doesn’t matter how little he wants to when he knows he needs to.

It's not like he has anything to be distracted about or anything!

…

There's sort of an empty feeling in the place of the giddiness from before. Of course, he's still excited, but he has the urge to text Rui again just to feel the extra bit of joy that makes him want to bounce around.

Tsukasa goes over it in his head again. 

Whenever the romantic lead of a slice of life manga describes falling in love, they always go on this big monologue about. Well. Kind of the exact same thing Tsukasa is experiencing now, and has been for a little while.

But! That doesn't explain much! He hasn't been doing anything all that different with Rui! It if had anything to do with their whole fake dating thing, he feels like he should have started to feel differently when that started, not almost a week in! 

It's not that. It's something else. 

Because, really, if he had a crush on Rui, that would kind of be bad. What if they're not able to be friends anymore? Tsukasa hasn't felt this way towards anyone before, and even if he had, he hadn't acted on it. Does being in a romantic relationship mean it replaces the friendship? He is way too happy with where he is right now to make any kind of move like that, so he's glad it's not what's happening.

…

Tsukasa takes out his phone. He goes to type in the search engine. 

'signs you have a crush on someone’

He skips to the images tab, not fancying AI generated nonsense or overly drawn out articles packed with ads. 

He finds a generic list image with an even more generic stylized drawing to go with it. Tsukasa goes through the list, making a mental checkbox. 

Well, he can't say he actually does half of this stuff, but when presented with it? If he were to look inward onto himself, yeah, he can see himself doing a lot of this stuff… Maybe he's been doing it without noticing, too. One of the things that keeps coming up, even as he scrolls to different photos, is the ‘you out more effort into your appearance around them’ one. Tsukasa always puts effort into his appearance, but he has noticed with his lack of options recently that he's been wearing his nice things much more frequently than before. He's been seeing Rui after school significantly more often. Could they be correlated? Or is it just a coincidence?

Ooh, speaking of not having as many suitable clothes as he seems to remember, they should totally go shopping soon! Tsukasa always loves the stuff that Rui picks out for him. Rui has his own unique knack for fashion, that's what he'll call it, and Tsukasa really was apprehensive the first few times Rui wanted to put an outfit together for him. (Which, to be fair, Rui puts him in crazy stuff all the time, so he doesn't think he's all that off the mark or inappropriately thinking that!) But, Rui understands Tsukasa's style well, and when he takes the job seriously, has made him some great outfits that have, in all honesty, become staples! 

Tsukasa is glad he brought his wallet. He has been spending much less on silly stuff recently, so even if something turns out a little expensive, or he is overcome with the need to cover Rui's bill (as he often is), he'll be all set. 

Okay, back to topic. Matter at hand. Even so, with all of that, even if he fits most of the boxes, it doesn't make sense for him to have a crush on Rui. Tsukasa hasn't seen any evidence up to this point in his life to show that he's anything at all in this space, to be honest, so obviously he hasn't just turned gay in real life because it was convenient to be in a role. That's impossible, and it's not like he…

Well. Well, well, umm. He just isn't! It's not a bad thing or anything. And he wouldn't be mad or anything if he was, mind. He just feels like he would have caught a glimpse of something sooner than this if he was. He should have felt something before this, so there's no way for that to be the solution. He has to be more creative, think more outside the box, to solve this puzzle!

…

He keeps walking, looking forward. 

…

Pausing to look both ways and back again before crossing the street, Tsukasa takes the turn that really designates the path to Rui's house. He feels that little rush of excitement again. 

And it doesn't change his mind. About anything. He was thinking about doing it anyway. 

He looks down, after making sure there's nothing ahead of him to walk into, and clicks the search bar. He deletes his previous inquiry and inputs another one. 

'am i gay quiz'

.

.

..

Dude, no way!!

Such a high percentage… that can't be right… though Tsukasa does suppose it's befitting of himself to get a high score on something. Gah, he should really pick up the pace if he wants to get a good amount of studying in today. Where is he in his walk?

He looks around, making sure he hasn't made any dumb mistakes or wrong turns in his distraction. Tsukasa is pretty sure he's on the right path, so he goes back to being flabbergasted at the results of the test.

This thing has to be rigged! It's not like he's ‘felt this way and known since he was a child’ or anything, this all just popped up last week! Or maybe he just started noticing it… either way, it's only been at the forefront of his mind for such a short amount of time! Definitely not a sexuality defining one!

. . . 

Um, well, but… see, if he would have to pick one to suit the circumstance, look upon himself as though he were a character in a book… he'd probably come to the same conclusion. He doesn't know if it fits him perfectly, but maybe it's not all that far off after all..?

No, wait! What in the world is he saying! That would mean the object of his affection, or more like attraction, is Rui, and that wouldn't make sense! He couldn't do that, anyway! It would probably not provide a very good work environment, it would inevitably have to change, and Tsukasa doesn't want to change their setup if it isn't in the way of various talent improvements!

Look, look, it's really not like that! And he'll prove it. He won't get distracted by any kinds of daydreaming or fussing about his looks or what Rui thinks of him during this session. It'll go exactly the way it always does, and there will be no problems whatsoever! Except for the actual math problems, of which there will be many, and his problems with the problems, of which often get too high in number to count. 

Tsukasa manages to calm his mind, for the most part, for the rest of the walk. He keeps thinking up scenarios of things that could possibly happen, and he's so accustomed to his lips on Rui's that he barely even notices the amount of them that are sort of explicitly romantic. He always gets brought back to reality quickly whenever he notices anything like that, though… wah, why is he acting all sad about it?

If he wanted something like that, really, he could just ask. He's done it before. Well, saying it like that makes him sound a little more cunning than he thinks of it in his brain. It's not weird or anything. He just found good reasons to practice, because what's worse than playing a role you don't understand? Everyone can tell you're faking!

Okay, calm down, not a big deal. Tsukasa huffs, fixes his face, then looks up and knocks on Rui's door. He straightens his posture, and doesnt even have to think about smiling to do it.

It takes a few seconds for Rui to come to the door, but when he hears his footsteps, Tsukasa's heart skips a beat.

Man!! Now he's gonna notice literally every time he does it!!!!

No, it's ok. He's proving that thought process wrong here, after all! 

The knob turns, then the door opens, and Tsukasa is met with Rui's smiling face. He smiles so bright, like he's really genuinely happy to see him, and it makes Tsukasa's heart swell.

Tsukasa puts his hand up in a little wave. “I have arrived!”

“Hello.” Rui's eyes crinkle at the corners, and he stands up a bit straighter. “I didn't figure my room would be the best place to study, so we'll be in the kitchen. Do you want anything to eat, to start off with?” Rui holds the door open and steps inside, inviting him in. 

“Hmm,” Tsukasa steps in and thanks him, removing his shoes at the genkan, standing and waiting at the end of the hall. “Maybe something thick to drink! I'm not hungry enough to eat something, but it could hold us over!”

Rui joins him, “Mm, makes sense. I could make a smoothie, we have some fresh fruits in the fridge.” 

“That'd be great!” 

When the quick conversation ends, they both make their way down the hall and into the kitchen. Rui's set it up rather nice in here, even with a lamp from his room! Good, to be honest, because the lights in the kitchen sort of start to bother Tsukasa's head when he sits in here for too long. They're very blue and bright. 

While Rui walks towards the kitchen utilities, Tsukasa breaks off to sit by the table, and he almost immediately misses being by Rui's side. He considers getting up and going to go stand next to him, but this isn't the time to continue talking about whatever comes to mind! He has to actually get ready. 

Tsukasa sits, and plops his bag down on the ground next to him. He takes out his computer and his textbook, setting them both up on the table. Rui's laptop is already on the table, and Tsukasa is sure that his textbook isn't far off. 

The table is round, so it is a bit more inconvenient to sit next to someone in, both in chair space and table space. Still, it has its upsides!! Not being able to look at Rui's computer screen will force Tsukasa to come up with the correct answer on his own, rather than try and see where Rui did something different to get his more-or-less more correct answer. 

Has he mentioned yet that he's doomed?

This is actually the worst! The! Worst! He'd do anything to have a big test in any other subject right now, literally any of the other ones! This is just one of those things, where he can't produce the right answer on the first try no matter what!

Glancing around the classroom during the daytime, it seems like lots of people share his sentiment, so that's good, at least…

Still, though Tsukasa won't be able to look at his answers, and will have to figure out whether or not what he's put down is correct by himself, the different seating arrangement has a different problem. They're both faced towards each other, looking at each other, so that means Tsukasa will have a much easier time getting distracted by Rui's lethal face card.

Once he's done setting up, including organizing and lining up his books with his computer with his pencils, he turns to Rui.

He's not doing anything special, Tsukasa supposes. It's still mesmerizing to watch him move as he prepares drinks for them. 

“Loud noise.” Rui warns, before he turns on the blender. Tsukasa appreciates it. 

He's not sure why he even asked for a drink at this point, because really, he could sit here and drink Rui in all day. 

….

What. What?? Ok, no, that's not what he meant!! Tsukasa has an actual visceral reaction in real life when he realizes what track his train of thought is on. He blinks hard, trying to snap himself out of it before Rui turns around. 

He's visibly surprised, and as he staggers to get back on track, Rui turns to glance at him. It's just to throw a cute little smile his way, but Tsukasa scrambles to get into any position and expression combination that isn't of shock and appall, and his best attempt at that is to put his elbow on the table, lean his head on his fist, and grin at Rui, like he was about to ask him ‘come here often?’ in his own home. 

Rui gives him a weird look, his brows pulling together and up, giving a funny little smile. “Is everything okay over there?”

“Yes!” Tsukasa answers, too quickly, then fixes himself and his position into an actual normal one. “You just caught me off guard is all!” Yeah, that's it, he's the one who caught Tsukasa off guard, of course.

Rui laughs and turns back. Tsukasa internally sighs in relief. He decides to busy himself on his computer until Rui is done, so he isn't nearly caught staring again. 

He gets all of the proper tabs open, readies himself, then opens an extra tab of 2048 to focus on instead of Rui.

He plays maybe half of a game, letting himself focus on this instead of anything else. It's pretty easy to focus on strategy in this game, he likes to use it to clear his mind. Lord knows he needs it. 

A glass is placed in an empty spot next to him. Tsukasa looks up. 

“Oya, oya. Distracted already?” Rui is only teasing him, still smiling.

Tsukasa laughs a bit sheepishly. “Hey, this is math! And, we hadn't started yet. Now I'm ready to start.”

“Great!” Rui moves to his side of the table and also places his glass down. He gets his things set up aswell, and as he does, Tsukasa tries his drink.

“Mm!” He makes a general noise of approval before he even swallows. It's very berry! Tsukasa wonders if Rui remembered he doesn't tend to like bananas if they're not on their own, or if he just feels the same way about them. Either way, Tsukasa is very pleased at the amount he can actually taste each of the other fruits. He's not sure why bananas are such a staple in smoothies. It's too overpowering, no matter what you put in it, if you add even the tiniest bit of banana, it becomes a banana smoothie. 

“This is very good, thank you!” Tsukasa grins, and Rui looks up at him with a nod.

“Thank you. It's often difficult to make time to prepare, then sit down and eat a meal, so I enjoy making smoothies and other thick, filling drinks when I'm not hungry enough to abandon what I'm doing to eat properly.”

“Hrrm,” Tsukasa makes a conflicted grumble kind of noise, bringing his fist to his chin. “Well, I can't argue with being frustrated with the process of eating, especially when busy… but still! Drinks may feel filling at the moment, but they should only serve to delay your appetite for your meal later on, not fully replace one!” he shakes his head. “After this, we should get something to eat! I don't want you losing weight. You have to pay extra attention to your health because you're so tall.” Tsukasa can't help it, he has to lecture on proper eating habits! Even though he can't say he's the best at it either. 

Rui evidently doesn't expect it, looking at Tsukasa with a sort of surprised expression, blinking once, then twice, and fixing his face into a relaxed smile. “Ah, I see. Of course, I'm not foregoing meals. Still, it would be nice to go out if this session doesn't run too late.” 

“Yes!” he nods. “So then, let's get started!”

“Fufu! Let's! I hope your enthusiasm stays so high through the session!”

“Aha, ah, well, I won't make promises…”

— —

“Tsukasa, do you think you can explain this section to me?”

“Hm?” Tsukasa tilts his head. “I… can try, but I don't think I should be the authority on this.”

“Aha! No, sorry. I meant, can you explain your process for this section? When you explain things out loud, you can often come to different conclusions, or realize mid sentence what you've gotten wrong.” Rui explains in more detail. “Speaking activates different parts of your brain than simply thinking does, and those parts help with your problem solving skills.” He holds his hand up in a gesture of offering, like offering the information up, “It also forces you to take the concepts you only mildly understand and put them into real, comprehensible words, so you might find it easier to understand and to remember in the future.”

“Huh.” Tsukasa nods, then smiles. “I'll do my best, then! Th-though…” he looks down at his paper, and flips to his previous pages of notes. They're pretty incomprehensible on their own… and Tsukasa probably can't produce something from his own brain to explain why this works. “I'm not sure if I can.”

“Okay, let's start from the basics, if you'd like. Can you explain binomial distribution to me?”

“... Okay. The one with the long formula?”

“Yes.”

Tsukasa flips through his notes, back to the beginning. “Binomial distribution,”

“In your own words, if you could.”

“Mm.” Tsukasa nods, reads over his notes quickly, then looks up. “Binomial distribution is… it's the way that you show a probability of one thing happening or not happening. It only has two outcomes, it can only be one thing, like heads or tails, or true or false.”

“Good.” Ah, he got praised! Tsukasa smiles, not feeling as unsure. “Can you explain why the formula for it looks like that? Or, maybe just what the variables stand for?”

“Sure, umm..” He tries to think back, rather than read from his notes again. “It's..! Okay. x is the number of positive outcomes that you want to get, or that you're testing for. n is the number of trials. p is the probability of a success in a trial, and the complement to that is q, or 1 - p. S-so,” Tsukasa looks back down at the formula, reminding himself what it looks like. “It's only so long because there's multiple different ways to do it depending on what information you have and what you're missing. n over x, multiplied by p to the power of x and q to the power of n minus x, equals p(x)... Not in parenthesis as in multiplying, but in parenthesis as in clarifying information. For the probability of success given a certain x.”

“Very good!” Rui claps his hands a few times lightly, and Tsukasa grins. “Do you feel like you understand it a bit better, now?” Rui tilts his head in the cutest way with the cutest gentle smile and it almost makes Tsukasa forget to answer. His face warms. 

“I think so!” He nods. “Well, maybe… I guess we'll just have to wait and see to see if I can remember how the formula works after a while.”

“That's great. If you could, I think I'd like you to continue doing this. It seems like it's helping and if it feels rewarding to you, I think it's worth using this technique often.” Well, it's only as rewarding as it is because Rui is praising him, but Tsukasa doesn't care about that! He wants to be praised, and he wants to do well on the test, so if doing this is how to do both of those things, then he'll do his best!

“Okay!” Tsukasa grins. “What should I do next?”

“How about Z scores? Walk me through the process of the chart and how to use it to find the answer.”

“Sounds good!”

— — —

“Hmm… it's still daylight out.” Tsukasa mentions, leaning on his hand and glancing for the window. 

Rui follows his gaze. “You're right.” He nods. “Why do you mention?”

Rui knows exactly why, he just wants to make Tsukasa say it. He smiles and huffs, “Well, I was hoping we could take a break…”

“By break, do you mean to be done for the day?”

“... Yes.”

Rui giggles. “That's alright with me, as long as it's alright with you. Do you feel like you've made good progress today?”

“Yes!” Tsukasa nods. “Honestly. I think I have. I don't think this is the end all be all or anything… but we had a really good session today!”

“Fufu, I'm glad!” Rui nods. “Alright then. Where should we go?” He starts to clean up. “You mentioned going out to eat somewhere?”

“Hmm, yes, I did, but still let me think… Maybe we can do something extra! Like, we go out for one thing, and get food on the way there or back.”

Rui looks a little taken off guard, and Tsukasa isn't really sure why. Rui's cheeks turn a light red. “That could be fun. What were you thinking?”

“Well, I thought it would be fun to go shopping! I need some new stuff.”

Rui looks at him like he's just been reminded of something, and Tsukasa feels like he might be able to guess if given enough time, but he can't quite remember. 

“What?”

“Oh, well…” Rui looks downwards, smiling lightly. “That just reminded me. I, ah, I've been meaning to ask you something.” 

Tsukasa's heart skips a beat. Rui doesn't even take all that long to pause between his sentences, but Tsukasa is so hungry for what he's gonna say that he starts theorizing already. 

“There's a summer festival just out of town on Saturday. Do you know the one? I have been meaning to ask if you would like to go to it with me.”

Tsukasa blinks. 

Like. Like a date? Or like, like there'll be other people there? Or, well, obviously there'll be people there, but, like, within their own group? Will it just be the two of them? Playing rigged games and eating tasty food… dressing up nicely and watching fireworks… just the two of them..?

“A- a few weeks ago,” he stammers, maybe caught off guard by Tsukasa's lack of an immediate response, but he can't conjure up anything to say! “You had mentioned something about a festival, and so I started thinking about how fun it would be for us to go again this year! And- it's, it's related because I thought it could be fun to look for new yukata.”

Tsukasa suddenly smiles, reeled back into real life and conversation by the mention of shopping. “That could be fun!! We definitely should!” He nods. “I have last year's yukata, but isn't half the fun of festivals finding something to wear together! Buying something new for something is the fastest way to feel festive!” He nods his head and also starts cleaning up, more hastily than before. 

“R-right!” Rui is caught off guard by the sudden change in tone, but also smiles. “I'm pretty sure there's a kimono and yukata store in walking distance.”

“We should stop by, then see what kinds of foods are nearby!” Tsukasa finishes his sentence, grinning. “I would really love to have some ramen right now. We should see if there are any places nearby it.” 

“I haven't gone to a hole-in-the-wall ramen shop in a long time! I miss the atmosphere. We should certainly try to find one.” Rui nods. 

They both finish cleaning at around the same time. Tsukasa doesn't feel like lugging around all of his books, so he puts on his best pleading face and asks Rui if he can keep his things here. He probably could have asked normally and Rui still would have shrugged and said yes. 

He takes his wallet out of his bag, slips it in his back pocket, then is ready to start heading out!

While waiting for Rui to put his things away in his room, he sort of internally clears his throat. Okay, so, maybe hanging out with Rui alone, totally alone, alone with him the whole time, didn't totally disprove what he wanted it to disprove. But certainly, he'll have better luck when they go out! Their outings are always casual, even when it's just the two of them together, so there's no way it'll feel any different than it normally does. 

Rui emerges from the other hallway and smiles, making sort of a beeline for Tsukasa. 

“Ready to go?” Rui asks, raising his hand and brushing Tsukasa's hair out of the way so that he may plant a kiss on his forehead. 

Tsukasa is a bit surprised, too surprised to answer in time. He takes too long, so Rui's hand makes a fluid motion down to his cheek, caressing his neck with the tips of his fingers. Tsukasa wouldn't even have time to let out a little “eh?” To go along with his confused facial expression before Rui would pull him in, closing the distance and pressing their lips together. And Tsukasa wouldn't be able to figure out where his hands should go, until Rui uses his free hand and wraps it around his lower back, pulling him even closer, and Tsukasa puts his hands on Rui's waist and kisses him back, leaning into his warm hands and letting his eyes slip shut–

“Tsukasa kun?” 

“Aah!” Tsukasa blinks hard and jumps, looking around. Rui actually comes out from the other hall, and scares Tsukasa half to death as he does. 

Daydreaming! He's daydreaming again! Stop it, stop it, stop daydreaming!!! Why is it so vivid!?? He gets so caught up he totally forgets to pay attention to everything else around him!!! Stop daydreaming!!!

“Ready to go?” Rui walks up to him and smiles. 

“Yes!” Tsukasa answers, a bit too fast, and starts walking along with Rui to the front door. He hangs a bit behind.

Tsukasa raises both of his hands and claps them on his face. Stop daydreaming!!!!!!! Is it too late to run to the bathroom really quickly? He needs to splash himself with cold water and get back to reality!

He stands there for a minute, just sort of watching Rui get ready to leave, before he shakes his head, removes his hands from his cheeks, and runs to catch up and also slip his shoes on. It's…. Going to be a long afternoon. But!! They can still make it fun! 

— —

Tsukasa has, over the course of the walk, only gotten more and more excited to shop!! He can't wait!! He gets to help Rui pick something out to wear, and he gets to hear Rui's opinions on what he's wearing!!! 

Ah, it'll end up being so incredibly fun!!! So so fun!! Tsukasa can't wait to dress up and try things on and see what Rui feels of it! And, to be honest, he likes it when he comes out of the dressing room with the clothes on, because the people working are always very nice and supportive. He knows it's just because they're trying to get him to buy something, but it still spikes his confidence! 

Everything about shopping makes him feel great. Everything is great!

He wonders what kind of things he'll find…. He always kind of tries to go into shopping centers with a totally empty mind, because if he goes in expecting something, he'll be sad when he can't find it! Plus, if he wants something so specific, it probably doesn't actually exist in the world, so he'd just make it for himself anyway!

Wait a minute, wouldn't this be bad luck? 

“Hang on!” Tsukasa stops in the middle of the sidewalk. Rui takes an extra step, but stops to look at him inquisitively. “Isn't seeing someone in an outfit before the occasion for the outfit bad luck??” Tsukasa tilts his head, concerned. He doesn't want anything but good luck with the festival! And for today in general!

Rui brings his hand up to his chin in thought. “Humu. I don't think so. I think that is a superstition reserved for weddings, that the groom seeing the bride before she walks down the aisle is bad luck.”

Tsukasa blushes. 

“Oh.” Right. “Aha! Well then, there'll be no bad luck for us!”

Right. Of course it's something for weddings!! Why was he caught up on that? Why did he even bring it up in his own mind? He starts walking again. The place should just be around the corner, now…

There!

It's pretty easy to spot, a cute little shop with glass windows at the front to showcase their finest kimonos. Through it, Tsukasa also spots zori and other sandals. “Oh, they have shoes as well.”

Rui tilts his head, moving to open and hold the door for Tsukasa. “Hm, maybe it would be fun to match the sandals strap to the color of the yukata.”

“I-it would be, but shoes are so expensive in places like this..!” Tsukasa sort of grumbles, making a concerned expression.

“Oh? You are right, I was just thinking that a yukata is more expensive than the shoes.”

“Well, yes, I just don't like to spend much on shoes! You wear shoes on your feet, so even if you're just wearing them once, they'll get really dirty.” Tsukasa actually steps into the place, so he lowers his voice.

Rui laughs. “Yes, true! Still, I think the price of shoes correlates to their quality more than the average garment.”

“Hmm, you could be right.” Tsukasa puts his finger to his chin and nods, then shrugs. “I have sandals and geta at home already, but if you want to get matching ones, feel free! If the ones I have end up looking bad with what I find today, I'll get some new ones.”

After being greeted, the two make their way to the lining walls. Closets are built into the walls, with various pre made and assembled yukatas hanging from them. Tsukasa glances through some of them, trying to find a pattern he likes. He knows he'll end up having to dip into the women's section, like he normally does, because all of the colors in the male sections are too dull for him. Not that he doesn't like them! He quite likes some of the designs and colors on them, he just never seems to find luck with finding colors that bring out his features and don't make him look lost. 

He's looking for something blue this year. It's been a very blue year for him! He finds that it fits exceptionally well with the rest of his natural tones. It would be nice to have a pattern on it, too, but he's not fussy. 

He glances to the side to observe what Rui is doing. He seems to have found something nice on the first rack he looked at, so Tsukasa smiles and walks up to him. “What'd you find?”

“Ah.” Rui smiles sheepishly. “I'm returning to what I know…” He shows the purple yukata he was looking at, pulling it a bit off the shelf to show Tsukasa clearly. “I don't wear much purple in my day to day life, but I do have another yukata that's a very similar color to this…”

“Oh, that's right.” Tsukasa remembers the color being similar last year. “Does it still fit you? You've grown a bit since then.”

“It should. I should look for something else, either way.”

“Hmm, you do have a point though. I think you look great in purple!” He's one of those people where you just have to keep adding the same color onto them over and over and they'll keep looking better and better! Tsukasa tries to be that kind of person, because he likes wearing yellow and orange, and while he doesn't look bad with those colors, he definitely thinks blue is better. 

“Hm… what a problem…” Rui stands and thinks, then puts his hands by his sides and starts to walk off. “I'll just look until I find something else I like.”

“Wait!” Tsukasa calls, louder than he needed to. Rui stops. “Just wait right there, I'm getting a vision.” He jokes, but he really is imagining Rui. He tries to summon up last year's Rui, in his older yukata. “Your old yukata was purple, but there are many, many different shades of purple! It was a sort of cooler purple, saturated but closer to pink than it was to blue! It was solid color too. So, maybe if you can come up with one that's closer to blue, or has a gradient, or has both, that would be perfect! It would still be in your best color, but would be different enough from last year's that it would be justifiable to purchase!”

Rui blinks slowly at him, then smiles and laughs gently. “I don't know if I would be able to find something so specific. I'm not as good with slight differences in color as you are.”

Tsukasa walks up and pats Rui's back. “Then I'll help you out! Let's look for your things first!”

Rui nods happily. “Alright.” 

Tsukasa goes over the racks again, with the new color analysis in mind. He finds a few, and lays them across Rui's shoulder, but they were either too pink or too blue. 

But then, there it was. Tsukasa knew the moment he locked eyes with if, and he's pretty sure that he and Rui saw it at the same time. They both walk up to the fabric, a beautiful bold yet desaturated purple, closer to blue on the color wheel, but not going too far over the line into indigo. It also has, and this might just be the lighting, but Tsukasa thinks it has a very slight gradient to it! It appears much darker at the bottom, but not just through shadow. 

Rui picks it up. He smiles as he looks at it, and Tsukasa's heart swells. There's nothing like finding the perfect thing that you just can't live without. 

“Try it on!” Tsukasa smiles. “I can already see you'll look great in it!” He claps his hands. “Oh! And with a dark purple or a black obi, it would look even better!!” 

Rui looks at him with this weird bit of affection in his eyes. Maybe it's just the overhead lighting, but his eyes really seem to sparkle. 

“I will! Though, well, it's a bit embarrassing, but I don't know how to tie my own obi. I've never done it before, I may have to end up asking you for help.” He touches his neck, tilting his head like he's trying to appear cuter to get Tsukasa to say yes.

“Ha - haha! Well, I have to say, I would love to help you!” He pauses. “B-but. I definitely can't tie an obi for someone else… it would be like tying someone else's tie, I just can't do it! It'll turn out inside out…” he smiles and strikes a little pose, bringing his fist to his chest. “I can tie obi bows, though! Want a bow? I help Saki with hers!”

“Ah.” Rui shakes his head politely. “I suppose I'll have to fend for myself..”

“What do you mean?” Tsukasa tilts his head. “There's the store clerks! They must help so many people every day tie their obi!”

Rui looks at him with sort of a frozen expression, like he's processing what was said, even though it's pretty easy to understand, in Tsukasa's opinion. He was getting ready to have to ask for help as well, he can usually tie it himself, but sometimes it doesn't hold up, or he does it slightly wrong and it ends up wrinkling. He always manages to get one of the steps of the knot incorrect, and they all have varying speeds of showing themselves…

Anyway! He waves Rui off to the dressing room, and while he waits, tries to spy around for a saturated, sort of bright blue color. There's a really common light blue yukata that's everywhere right now, so he can't ask for help finding blue either… it'll be alright! He'll find things anyway!

…

See? Such a normal outing! Just like they used to! They're back to the status quo, and so soon! There have just been a weird series of outliers these past few weeks, that's all. It's because they've been doing so much studying! His brain is out of whack! Taking emotions from anywhere and throwing them down for Tsukasa to feel and be confused by. 

In the meantime while Rui is getting dressed, Tsukasa does manage to find something around what he was looking for! He was kind of looking for a spread out, more masculine version of a thinner and more intricate pattern, but he knew he wasn't going to find that. Still, he found this nice and saturated blue yukata with a very clear diagonal gradient of a slightly greener blue at the top shoulder and the bottom side! It must be a more modern new style, because Tsukasa doesn't think he's seen many of these before now. Still, it has this cute white pinstripe design, and it's super cool! Tsukasa sort of finds himself falling in love with it!

He lays the fabric over his arm, trying to tell if the blue really is his color. He typically goes for blues a little bit darker than this, but it's close enough for him to still like it, and the green is really calling his name as well!

And the gradients will make it seem even more like he and Rui are matching… hehe.

Tsukasa finds a dark blue obi that's much closer to the blue he's more familiar with. He thinks they'll go great with each other!

There are technically two dressing rooms, but he doesn't want to miss it when Rui comes out of his, so he waits for him outside of it. He takes sort of a little while, so an attendant ends up going up and asking if he needs help. Rui has to say he does, and Tsukasa tries not to laugh at him. He's not making fun, it's just really endearing! Rui is always the one helping other people, it's cute to see him ask for and accept other help.

Tsukasa waits patiently, sort of trying to imagine what Rui will look like. They put the fabric against him, so of course they know he'll look good, he supposes he's just excited! He wants to see! 

Maybe it's also partially because he wants to get along with trying his own yukata on, but he thinks both of them can exist at the same time.

The attendant, giving Tsukasa a little smile as she sees him, walks out of the dressing room, then pulls the curtain to the side to reveal Rui in dramatic fashion. Rui looks like he definitely wasn't expecting her to do that, but laughs to himself and regains his composure. 

He steps out, and Tsukasa can hardly muster the courage to remember he has to breathe, let alone do anything other than stare at him. 

Stunning, is the only word he can come up with. 

Stunning, stunning! He looks fantastic! It fits him pretty much as well as anything can fit someone.. and his collarbone!!! 

He actually looks so good. Tsukasa's face lights up. Warmth and this weird sparking sensation travel across his cheeks and, as he hears the attendant compliment Rui, Tsukasa takes the chance to whip around and away from him. He puts one hand over his heart and makes a fist, gripping his shirt between his fingers. 

Get it together!!!! Get it together, get it together!!

Since when has he been looking at Rui like this? Really really been looking at him like this? He doesn't think he ever has… well, of course he noticed that Rui is pretty, that's obvious, he doesn't necessarily need to be attracted to someone to know that they're attractive, but now it's on a whole different level!

Okay. Okay. Big deep breath. Pull it together. 

Tsukasa stands up straighter, fixes his face, then whips around again.

“It looks perfect!!!” He exclaims, running up to Rui. “ You look perfect! This has to be the one, isn't it?”

Ah, and this one isn't just to be tried on, they're going to be going out in this..! Playing games, eating food, watching fireworks… and he looks so jaw droppingly gorgeous that Tsukasa can hardly bear to look at him!

“I think so!” Rui is blushing as well, he's being complimented after all, “I think we hit the jackpot today.” 

“You really did!” He really, really did. Tsukasa did too; now he gets to look at him wearing it as much as he wants.  

It's honestly mesmerizing. Tsukasa keeps zoning out, keeps getting lost just looking at him. It's more than the color, even though it is fantastic and does draw out the rest of his features, it's also the fit. It fits and suits him perfectly, defines his figure where it needs to and smooths the rest out with beautiful colors and light, airy cloth.

It makes him so unimaginably flustered. He just wants to reach up and…

“Ah, wait,” Tsukasa reaches up to fix Rui's collar. He probably messed with it a little bit when Tsukasa had his back turned. He flips it up, laying it against his neck. “There!”

Rui smiles at him gently, and Tsukasa just can't help but smile back. 

“Are you two going to an event together?” The attendant asks, tilting her head.

“Ah, well–”

“Yes!” Tsukasa nods, totally missing her meaning. He turns away from Rui to look at her, and puts his hands on his hips. “We wanted to get some new yukatas! To make it special!”

She puts her hands together and makes an affirming noise. “Well then, you should change before he changes out! You'll be able to see how you look together.”

Tsukasa nods enthusiastically. He hadn't considered that as an option! He figured Rui would have to get out and back to his usual clothes.

“Right! I'll get dressed quickly!” 

He forces himself away from Rui, though he's happy to be able to run away and take a breather. Which, is very helpful, because... Good lord.

Tsukasa hurries to hide behind the curtain, waving at Rui before he closes it.

He unbuttons a few buttons of his dress shirt, so he can properly show his collar, but doesn't actually take anything off. He hasn't bought anything yet, after all.

He wonders if his old underclothing for yukatas still fit him… he has grown a bit, after all! 

Anyhow, he tries to make haste in putting the yukata on. He doesn't want to take a while, or leave Rui alone for too long. Actually, he thinks he can hear him and the attendant chatting, but it's too hushed, so he can't quite hear what they're talking about.  

Tsukasa is only half done putting it on when he gives himself a good look in the mirror and grins. He knew this color would look good! The blue isn't as light as it looked earlier, maybe it was because it was among such dark tones that it appeared to be lighter than he liked. It's perfect!

He finishes up, and does his best to remember each step of tying the knot before he makes a mistake with the obi. He fixes his hair, and about to turn and open the curtain, but spies himself in the mirror again, and can't help himself. He strikes a pose, one with his hand up, but finds that the sleeves fall down. He fashions a new pose quickly, one where he brings his hand to his chest, so that the momentum of the motion brings the sleeve up instead of down! Oh yeah. He's ready. 

Though, he does have to say it's weird to wear normal shoes with yukata, there's nothing much he could do about it.

Tsukasa walks towards the curtain and pushes it open. “I'm finished!”

He walks out, to a polite and gentle clap from the attendant, and a staring Rui. Rui looks down for just a second, then shakes his head and looks up. “Wow, that looks fantastic.” He sort of stammers out. He has almost the exact same reaction that Tsukasa did. 

Wait, could that mean..?

No, no, that's dumb! That wouldn't ever be the case!

Tsukasa looks around, reminding himself he came out in such a dramatic fashion to be complimented, not to get lost in his own thoughts. 

“It looks great on you!” The attendant smiles at him so sweetly, and Tsukasa smiles back. He always feels like he should be returning a compliment in this instance, but he's the one that's dressed up! 

After acknowledging her, Tsukasa turns to Rui. He looks a bit noticeably surprised to be looked at again, blinking in quick succession and again shaking his head. “We should take a photo together!” He offers, and Tsukasa gasps.

“Yes, we should!!! And we can compare it to the actual night of the festival when it comes around!!”

Tsukasa starts to glance around for a mirror, but the store attendant offers her hand. “I can take a picture of the two of you for you, if you'd like.”

“Yes please!” Tsukasa nods, then pats his pockets. He almost checks his sleeves before he remembers he had just put this on. He thinks about where it would be, and realizes that he doesn't remember having it up till now. “Ah, I don't think I have my phone! I must have left it at your house.” he tilts his head, looking up at Rui. Hey, they're standing sort of close together… “Could we use your phone?”

“Of course.” Rui says, like he didn't even have to think about it. He reaches into his bag and takes his phone out, then hands it to the woman. 

She smiles and pulls up the camera app. Rui stands a little hunched over next to him, and puts his hand on his shoulder, as Tsukasa strikes the pose he just practiced in the mirror. 

Rui, though he does it less now, kind of always has put a hand on his shoulder when they took a photo standing close together. It's no different, but it sort of makes Tsukasa flustered. To have Rui's hand on him.

Anyway!

He hears the shutter a good few times, and when her hands lower, Tsukasa and Rui both walk up to see the photos.

“I should have gotten some good ones.” She nods with a smile, and hands the phone back in a showcase sort of way. Rui takes it and scrolls through the photos. Tsukasa grins. He feels giddy again, feeling the urge to jump around, but he stays in his spot like he's supposed to. 

“These look great! Thank you very much.” Rui smiles. 

“Yes, thank you!” Tsukasa parrots. Then, he looks up at Rui again, still smiling. He just can't stop today! “Want to take a mirror one as well?”

Rui looks at him a bit surprised, raises a hand to his chin, then smiles and nods. “Okay!”

He starts looking for a mirror in the same way that Tsukasa did a moment ago, but Tsukasa leads him towards the dressing room. There's a good full length mirror in there after all, and it's probably got that special angle that makes everyone look good! 

Rui makes kind of a surprised, maybe confused sound, but follows along. 

“Unless you wanted the rest of the shop in the background.” Tsukasa shrugs.

“No, this is alright.” He looks flustered, and Tsukasa guesses he can see why, but it's just another room. 

Rui brings up the camera app on his phone again. 

Gah, Tsukasa has been standing next to him, so he hasn't had to look at him, but… man!!! Rui looks so good, it's almost criminal, Tsukasa fights the urge to cover his face, because he's sure he's blushing. Actually, he doesn't even need to guess, because he can watch his face get redder in the mirror.

“Ready?” Rui bends down a bit and holds his phone out in front of them. Tsukasa poses next to him, though he picks a different one than before. 

“Yes!”

He hears the shutter sound, and as the phone is still up, Tsukasa waits until he hears a few more to move. 

Before he gets to, though, he sees Rui move. He doesn't react in time, and receives a kiss on the cheek, and another shutter sound for his slowness. 

“Huh?” He blinks, then looks at Rui, who is smiling sheepishly. 

“Sorry,” he laughs a little, “I can delete it if you want. I thought it would be cute.” 

Tsukasa fights off another daydream and tries not to get too flustered. Of course!! Just for the photo!

“No, don't delete it! You should send them all to me, actually!” Tsukasa nods. 

Rui returns the gesture. “Alright. I'll send them now, so that I don't forget.” He moves on his phone to do just that, and, as he can't idle by waiting for the text to come in, Tsukasa moves in towards the mirror and fixes up his hair a bit, fluffing it at the edges and patting it down around his face. 

He sees Rui move closer to him again, and looks at him through the mirror, letting his gaze bounce and reflect up to Rui without even technically looking at him. Rui looks like he's been waiting to do that, and gives him the sweetest smile through it. 

And, Rui would reach his hand forward, cupping Tsukasa's cheek in his hand and turning his head to face him. Tsukasa would tilt his head, half pretending he doesn't know what's going on, because it's funner to be surprised, when Rui pulls him in for a proper kiss. 

And he'd fight the urge to make a surprised sound, instead focusing on keeping his feet squared and his head tilted as he kissed him back, not really wanting the position of their feet to give them away. He doesn't want to be rude, or make anyone think anything is happening in here or anything,

But, hey, the– the curtains are open, and,

Rui bumps his shoulder, and Tsukasa gets so caught off guard by the tiny touch, surprised right out of daydreaming, that he actually screams.

Rui flinches almost harder than he does, backing up, “S-sorry??” he sounds bewildered.

Tsukasa is quick to start laughing and correct himself, backpedaling. “S-sorry!!! Don't worry! I don't know why that surprised me that badly!!” Tsukasa keeps laughing, and speaks a bit louder than he would in an enclosed area normally, just so that nobody gets the wrong idea or anything! 

Rui laughs and smiles. “Did you zone out? I did think you were looking at me a bit intensely..” What?? Was he??? “It's alright, it happens to everyone.” Evidently, since picture taking is over, Rui moves to start walking out of the dressing room.

Tsukasa swallows. Is he actually zoning out that bad in real life?? While looking at Rui? He hopes he's not doing anything else embarrassing! 

And!!! And why is Rui always the one initiating in these scenarios he conjures up!!!! Tsukasa has pretty much always been the one to initiate in real life!!! Why does it get to be Rui whenever he daydreams about him??

Well, maybe he should be focusing less on the content of the fantasies and more on getting them to stop…

God. God, he is in so over his head….

Tsukasa swallows thickly. He spies a glance at Rui as he's walking out, then looks at himself in the mirror. 

He's… not sure whether he can deny it, anymore.