Chapter Text
“Sometimes, when I think about the future, all I see is black,” Ladybug began, still in a whisper.
Her sudden admission was enough to jerk Chat Noir out of his reverie. He turned to look at her as she finally opened her eyes and kept her gaze fixed just beyond the statue.
He didn’t say anything in response. He simply waited to see whether or not she’d expand upon the unexpected thought she had shared.
Taking note of his silence, Ladybug paused before releasing a nervous sigh and continuing.
“I mean … I don’t know how to talk about it. I just don’t even feel like I deserve to get there,” she admitted. “Sometimes I see that blankness and I’m terrified—How will I ever get there? To a... better place, I mean. In the future. And, is it even worth it to get there? But, other times I feel relieved. Like maybe it’s just better that way.”
Chat Noir released a shaky exhale of his own before asking, “You feel relieved at the idea of having no future?”
“Sometimes, I guess,” she continued quietly. “Sometimes, I’m just so tired. What the hell am I doing, anyway? I look back and all I see are mistakes. The ways I’ve hurt people because I was too selfish, or ignorant, or afraid. I’m trying—have been trying—to do the right thing. As me, just me, and as Ladybug. But I don’t know how to continue when it almost feels like it’s failures all the way down. I want to shrink away. I don’t… I don’t know.”
“Are you suicidal?”
The question startled her, but she contemplated it and all of the technical answers she could give. She wasn’t entirely sure whether or not hers qualified.
“Well no,” she said slowly. “I mean, I don’t plan to kill myself, I can’t stress that enough. It’s … It’s not that I want to die, it’s more like I sometimes … sometimes wish I could just, poof, disappear from existence and take my history with me. Never have existed. Easy. No pain for me and no one I love has to hurt or grieve over me, either. I just sometimes wonder if everyone would be better for it, is all.”
Silence. There was only silence, until—
“... I’m worried, Bugaboo,” Chat Noir said gently. “I wish you could just... Tell me where this came from. Because you don’t have to tackle it alone.”
Ladybug chewed on her lip, and she felt herself caving in every possible sense of the world.
She felt herself caving in to answer her partner.
She felt herself caving in to the relentless sadness.
She felt herself caving in on herself.
“It’s been like this for a while, but… it got really bad after… after I lied.” Her sentence ended on a whisper. She still couldn’t turn to face him.
Chat Noir stopped and said nothing, only placed one hand over hers.
“I lied,” she said a bit louder. “About what happened with Monarch.”
She swallowed and closed her eyes again.
“It’s been eating me from the inside out. I thought I had done the right thing, but now I don’t know. Gabriel Agreste, he was—”
—was a hero.
“—was Monarch,” she said firmly. “I technically told the truth when I said that Gabriel Agreste stopped Monarch, but only in that he put an end to himself to be with his wife when he made his wish.”
She felt Chat Noir’s hand start trembling atop hers.
“Why… did you lie?” he asked hoarsely.
“Because the last thing he asked of me… was to make sure Adrien Agreste only remembered him fondly.” She didn’t bother forcing down the tears. She let them flow freely in front of another person for the first time in months. “And Adrien had already lost his mother. I thought that… maybe I could spare him pain—”
Ladybug gasped through her sobs and withdrew her hands to cover her face as she continued.
“I thought I could spare Adrien the pain while honoring his father’s last wishes.”
Chat Noir still said nothing.
“To make matters worse, I found out from Felix that both he and Adrien are senti-beings!” Ladybug finally looked up to Chat Noir. The devastation on his face was plain, now, but the words were rolling out of her, desperate to be released. “His parents used the peacock Miraculous to have them because they couldn’t conceive… the amoks were in his parent’s wedding rings.”
“Felix told you this?” Chat Noir asked gravely.
“Yes.” Ladybug hiccuped. “He and Kagami, who is also a senti-being. And Adrien needs—deserves—to know that too, but how am I supposed to tell him all of that on top of everything with his father?”
Ladybug shook her head furiously.
“If it’s hurting me this much just to know, how much worse will it be for him? How can I possibly do that to him? But… but how can I keep such terrible secrets from him, too? Chat Noir… What do I do?”
Chat Noir stood abruptly, turning to face away from the statue, away from Ladybug.
“Ch-Chat Noir?”
His shoulders were shaking. It was small at first, and Ladybug thought he was crying. But then his laughter erupted, and he fell to one knee.
Confused, Ladybug stumbled to her feet and ran to kneel in front of him.
“Chat Noir,” she said, taking his shoulders. He had covered his face with his hands. “I don’t… I don’t understand. Are you laughing right now?”
But Chat Noir didn’t respond. Instead, he only laughed harder, falling back to sit on the rooftop as his body shook. Then, as time stretched, Ladybug could only watch, dumbfounded, as his outburst slowly devolved into tears.
“Sorry, I’m sorry,” he gasped. “But… at least you don’t have to w-worry about… explaining it to him.”
“What do you mean?”
Chat Noir furiously swiped away at his eyes, now red-rimmed and puffy, before looking up.
“I mean all of it,” he said breathlessly. “The truth. Your lies. Why you lied. And now I finally know why you’ve been so… so off lately.”
Ladybug still stood before him, feeling like she was missing something monumental.
“And… why don’t I have to worry, now?” she asked slowly.
Chat Noir just sat there, calming his breathing and schooling his features into something slightly calmer. He sighed before standing again, but he still wouldn’t meet her gaze.
“Because…” Chat Noir seemed to visibly brace himself before closing his eyes in defeat. “Claws in.”
Nothing—nothing—could have prepared Ladybug for that moment.
As the green light receded, she felt swallowed whole by her emotions again. Her heartbeat pounded for release against her ribs, and she thought she might be sick. One hand flew to her mouth in horror as she took one step back.
“A-Adrien?” she whispered. “No, I d-didn’t know–I didn’t mean—”
No wonder he had been so achingly lonely.
As he stood there, finally watching her with slumped shoulders, she knew she wasn’t done.
She still had one more secret to unveil before this horrible night ended. It was only right.
I have to, she thought to herself.
“It’s me,” he said, interrupting her racing thoughts.
“It’s you,” she echoed. Ladybug lowered her hand. “And in that case… you deserve one more truth. I know you’ve already heard so much, but… you deserve to know everything. I’m so sorry. This is so much at once, I know, but…”
She took another couple steps back, swallowing hard.
“T-Tikki—” she choked. “Spots off.”
Quiet.
It was so quiet.
Adrien looked at Marinette with wide eyes, and she had to resist the urge to turn tail and flee before he had the chance to react.
But he just… stood there.
She couldn’t read him this time.
The wind whipped Marinette’s hair around, stinging her eyes and drying her cheeks.
Adrien took a tentative step forward.
She stiffened.
Adrien took another step forward.
Her rapid breathing was beginning to become audible.
Adrien balled his fists by his side.
Marinette closed her eyes, unable to stop the panicked gasps now dragging tightly down her throat.
But then… she felt his arms around her, looping around her shoulders, impossibly gentle. He slowly pulled her in closer and buried his face in the crook of her neck, and she could feel the cool dampness of his tears on her skin.
“W-what? Adrien?”
She felt him heave a sigh against her body, but he didn’t lift his head.
Instead, he murmured into her neck and his voice broke as he whispered, “I’m not okay.”
Marinette’s vision swam, her tears resurfacing. But she fought to hold them at bay, as Chat Noir—Adrien—was more in need of comfort right now. She had played a role in all of this; it wasn’t her place to cry now. This moment was his.
She could still scarcely believe he was holding her.
Marinette hesitantly wrapped her arms around Adrien’s torso, taking care to move slowly in case he didn’t want her to hold him back. He deserved the opportunity to pull away if he needed to. But still, he didn’t.
“Of course you’re not,” she whispered. “And I’m sorry, Adrien. I’m so, so sorry.”
Adrien was crying harder now, and the only thing that made sense was to hold him tighter.
“I’m mad at you,” he sobbed. “I’m hurt. I’m angry. You’re right, you shouldn’t have kept those secrets from me.”
Marinette’s heart lurched as he looked up and pulled away.
“But… I don’t hate you, Marinette.” he added firmly, shaking his head. “I don’t hate you… or Ladybug. I don’t think I could ever hate you. Not with how much I love you. But this… this still isn’t okay. I’m not okay. I love you, but… I’ll need to work through this. I don’t even know how.”
Marinette nodded numbly, unsure of what to say—unsure if she should say anything at all.
“I need… I need time. And more answers,” Adrien said. “But I see how much this has hurt you, too. I’m glad you told me the truth as Chat Noir, first, so that you could honestly tell me how you’re feeling and why you did what you did. As much as I don’t like it, it makes sense. As much as it hurts, I know you had good intentions. But still…”
Adrien reached down, grabbing both of her hands in his.
“I don’t want you to disappear,” he whispered. “I don’t want your future blank. I can’t lose you too. Not you.”
“Adrien…” Marinette stifled a sob. “I love you too. I’m sorry. I’ll tell you whatever you want, I’ll give you however much time you need,” she promised. “If you still want me here, I’m not going anywhere.”
Adrien closed his eyes and leaned his forehead against hers.
"Neither am I."