Chapter Text
Before I knew which life was mine
The bed signifies sleep. The pillow represents comfort.
The blanket suggests a tangled mess of fright. The comforter becomes lined with ice.
“Can I hold your hand?”
She laughed, reaching down to grab the small hand herself. “Why are you even asking?”
Before I left the child behind me
The waning crescent stood brightly in the midnight sky, a second source of light besides the nightlight gleaming to her left. Her fingers held the blanket soundly to the tip of her chin and just beneath the crook of her nose. Silence raged on from outside the door, the eerie ringing of a quiet atmosphere doing little to relieve the thickening tension gathering around the girls clouded mind. Fantasies of a usual seven year old turned black with the twist of a foreboding thought, hardly shaking though at the knowledge of two other breathing people in the room just adjacent to her.
I saw myself in summer nights
“Dog or cat?”
“Dog!”
“Ramen or chicken noodle?”
“Chicken noodle!”
“Ice cream or pizza?”
“Ice cream!”
“Ice cream it is then –les’ go Chloe! We’re getting ice-cream!”
“Excuse me? I’m sorry I don’t remember eating dinner first. Beca you know how important nutrition is at this age and to maintain a healthy diet is to maintain a healthy mind set and physically relating also touches on the basis of the common sense of…”
The day had proved to be exhausting. Fun of course, but exhausting. A simple walk in the park led to shopping at the mall, followed up by lunch and more shopping and visiting Uncle Jesse and stopping by the zoo and finally ending with dinner and a movie.
So, tired yes. But, to commit to the actual action of sleeping?
A whole different subject.
And not that she didn’t want to sleep. Oh no, it wasn’t that her brain was all but screaming at he eyes to lock down so her body could begin the necessary process of recharge required for the day after. It’s more of that every second of closing her eyes, and every second of watching it on rewind, and every moment of not being able to lift her arms and feeling the substantial pressure on her chest that forces her to lay still as whispers taint the cold air circulating around her ears –
And stars lit up like candle light
So it’s not that she didn’t want to sleep. It’s more of that it was better, taken as a whole, to just not sleep at all.
Limbs become immovable while the shadow of a man leans over your struggling body.
“Okay,” a voice soft as powdered dust whispers into the air, reassuring and bolstering herself. “Everything’s okay.”
Everything, unfortunately, is not okay. Her new life granted is more than okay. Her daily thoughts however become a thrashing effort as the days of lacking sleep increase. Because what’s to say on second thoughts? Second doubts? A simple switch-a-roo of their minds and –“poof”.
That’s all it takes really. And she wasn’t stupid enough to not realize it.
I make my wish but mostly I
“If you need anything-”
“Or want anything-”
“Or feel down in any way-”
“Shape or form-”
They’d both grin, as if laughing at a shared joke between only the two of them. “We’re right next door.”
Believed
Ridiculous --why would they? They would never. Never ever.
They always said forever.
So here her decision was made, trust was put over rejection at the moment her feet became aligned with the cold flooring. Carpet under her feet hardly making a “creak” as she traveled across the dark room, opening the door with the ever most bit of caution. She peeked through, left to right, only opening it fully after the thorough observation and deducing conclusion that no life form was present in the hallway. She slipped though, walking out into the wooden flooring and looking to the side briefly as to take a glance at the lights of the city below before focusing her attention back to the door facade to her.
In yellow lines and tire marks
Not too late to back out is it?
Is it?
Is it?
As if her hand had a mind of its own, ignoring the contemplating doubts of her mind. The door was carefully opened, head peering in first before her entire body was slid in –closing the door with the utmost of precaution and blinking for a couple of seconds in order to successfully maneuver around in the “nightlight-less” room.
Sun-kissed skin and handle bars
But with every step—
Crawling along her spine –
Touching wisps of ghostly tress of a nail across her arms –
Rushing around the ankles of her feet and twisting every stride back in the other direction.
And where I stood was where I was
Finally it came to the point where she stood just next to the queen sized bed, chest just high enough to reach the height of it. She could hear their breaths, and could see one clear form just in front of her. But, to reach out? Her arm stretching out, hesitant yet nearing; to the point where she was all but leaning onto the bed and yet –she pulled back, hugging the hand to her chest and backing away quickly. It was unexpected, to have come so far and only to scare herself away with the overhanging thoughts dangling their way into her perception.
Unfortunately for her, suddenly moving backwards may not have proved to be the best idea to choose. Since it was, y’know, dark. Making it fairly difficult to progress in general.
The heel to her foot ended up catching at the foot of a desk, stubbing and resulting in her to emit a small “eep” before crashing backwards onto the wall.
“Waz’? Was’ happening?!?”
The lamp was clicked on, an abrupt shift in the dark environment causing the child to wince away from the source. Then two figures were shuffling upwards, a mess of hair and tangle of rushing to get out from the comforters.
Uh-oh.
“Chlo? You heard that too right?”
“Yeah, we should go check it out,” she said while rising from the bed, not even bothering to brush out her spaghetti top as she blinked made her way for the door.
“Woah hang on hang on, I’ll come with.”
It was just after saying that particular phrase when Chloe happened to spot a certain someone frozen stiff in place. Locking eyes, blue and brown, surprise versus apprehensiveness.
“Um, Beca.”
“Yeup hang on, shouldn’t we bring a bat or something.”
“Beca, it’s only-”
“I know Chlo just, jeez hang on a second. And what do you mean it’s only-…”
Now two pairs of eyes were staring her down, a stillness even more restless then when the two were both asleep.
“G’morning?”
Oh boy.
“Oh.”
“Ohh.”
“Ohho.”
“Did you…” she wasn’t hesitating when saying it. She was just being cautious. “…nightmare?”
She shook her head. Left to right.
Once upon another time
And something here was interconnected, an introspection of the two brought back to thought as they both shared a glance at each other. This shared understanding sent by the twist of both gazes and tilt a head while the other simply nodded, a comprehension that both could see straight through.
“Alright now,” was said, Chloe taking the initiative and swooping over and plucking her light body off the ground. “Alright.”
Decided nothing good in dying
To say it was a simple task would be easy, the straightforward action of picking up a child isn’t usually all that difficult when being explained. But when it comes to reaching down, trust and infidelity weighing down on your arms as they wrap around a body unfit at the moment for making contact with another. And when it comes down to that rigid moment of ‘to rely or not’ –sigh but that is truly the irresolute question. Deject the given affection, overindulging affection or give into the embrace filled with soft sweet honey milk’n dew combined all to create the perfect rest there is to find?
So I would just keep on driving
Chloe walked back over to the bed, sliding atop the cover and leaned into Beca’s awaiting arms. In the middle of them was a noticeably very perplexed child now being cradled as a baby would. The perplexity would soon disappear as Beca began humming a tune. Not very melodic, not very upbeat or any of the sort. Enough to make both others relax in their form and truly sink into the gathering warmth of the three of them all together.
Because
And at the moment the lids to her eyes were shut, and at the moment her lips took in a parting breath and released the gathered stress at her chest, and at the moment the doubt dispersed out and enduringly away--
I was free