Chapter Text
"I just don't know what to do Toya."
"Hmm. It all does sound, complex."
Together they walked through the city, now far enough away from Vivid Street, neither of them knew exactly how to feel about the evening. Afterall, it was their initial plan to get up on the stage like that and sing, not just because they wanted to, but because Kohane has ulterior motives. What better way to reach someone than through song, it was how they connected in the first place after all, but now? Well, 'then', nothing seemed to work right.
"Everything was going so well, I did everything right, you did too we were completely in sync!" She spoke to Toya, gesturing her hands as she spoke. With her right hand she picked at her gloves with a sort of snap like motion, picking away at the black wool. Toya made her these gloves, not the first pair and surely won’t be the last if she was picking them to pieces the way she was. But, in a way, that was their intended purpose, something for her to fidget with when stressed or anxious. Clearly, she was feeling both of those emotions in full swing. "So, why did she walk out? Did I, did I do something wrong?" They looked up at Toya, her voice quivering slightly, breathy and unsure. If anyone would know the answer it had to be him.
"No not at all. If anything, you seemed, well-" Toya stopped walking for a second, taking in the surroundings as well as observing Kohane who stopped walking as well. She was gazing up at him but not looking him in the eyes. Her eyes darted; left, right, up and down, as if she was examining his facial features, struggling to pick a point to look at. Or perhaps, she didn't want to look at him at all, but at least respect and acknowledge Toya. "You did everything right but Kohane, there's clearly something bothering you" Now Kohane looked him in the eyes, but that made her do other things. Clutching her hands together, continuing to fidget the woollen material, tapping her foot on the ground as well. Now, Toya didn't want to make her feel uneasy, that's the last thing he wanted here. He just cared about her wellbeing, and clearly Kohane wasn't doing very 'well'. "It happened again, that same lost gaze you had in the Café the other day, as if something was eating away at your thoughts."
"... So, you did notice-" Looking away, Kohane kept walking. Toya followed along, not exactly happy with her just deciding to walk away.
"When you feel like that, when you sort of zone out, what thoughts run through your mind?" Catching up with her, he continued to talk, but the more he spoke the faster she walked. Thing is, Kohane didn't even know what direction she was headed. Toya was the one taking her home, insisting on going a certain way. Kohane just wanted to avoid the conversation entirely, nothing against Toya, she just didn't want to talk about it. "It has to be something to do with An, you said yourself you lo-" Stopping suddenly, Kohane didn't speak at first. She just sighed heavily.
"Picture this-" Gesturing with her hand once more, "-the person you care about the most stood in front of you, right now, the person you-" She pauses for a second, as if stopping herself before saying something she would regret. Perhaps, perhaps it was something she just wasn't ready to say, yet. "-Just, picture it. Now, imagine being consumed by this undying feeling of dread. Recently, when I talk to An, it keeps happening. Even tonight."
"Dread?"
"It feels wrong Toya" The pain in her eyes spoke a thousand words, the hollow and bitter tone of voice. This was something Kohane hated, they hated it they hated it all so much, yet, they felt so confined and afraid. Nothing felt freeing about admitting this, that these feelings inside her felt wrong, felt vile and oh so bad. It felt restricting, it felt like lie, a blanket wrapped around her, woven with lies and expectations. Expectations she was far from fulfilling, and this? Oh this, it only made her feel further away than what was more acceptable, more correct, more normal.
"All of this feels so wrong, but it all feels so right at the same time." Turning towards him, looking up at him once more, pain in her eyes. It was all so overwhelming. How can something feel so wrong yet so undeniably right at the same time. "It’s like one part of me is screaming out to be set free while the other half is holding me back, ugh." Kohane was simply tired of all of this. She can’t ignore how she feels, yet she can’t even embrace that feeling. Never had she felt so stuck. "Do you have any idea what tha-" Stopping herself before she continued any further, Kohane took a step back. In these streets, in the middle of the night no less, here she was yelling at them. Toya, her friend, yelling at him not out of frustration caused by him, but frustration and pain of her own cause. "Oh... Toya I'm so sorry I-"
"No honestly it’s okay, but yes-" Toya nodded "I do understand it to some degree, Azusawa. I'm here for you, our situations may be a bit different, but I understand." Smiling weakly, they walked ahead, Kohane following Toya as she guided him safely home.
Fortunately, or unfortunately as some may see it, they both were just around the corner from Kohane house. Toya didn't want to tell her this, or anyone really, but this area of the city always felt a bit uncomfortable. Sure, it was convenient for Kohane to live here, her house being about 10 minutes or so from Miyamasuzaka via train was helpful, but he couldn't seem to shake this unease. Every house was a carbon copy, no originality, no flair to set any apart. Sure, his house wasn't like that either, but living in a place like this, where everything looked one way, and nothing dared to differ from the norm. A myriad of cream, grey and brown; a sharp contrast with the bold and bright Vivid Street. It just didn't feel like the right environment for her at all, him neither, which was most likely why this discomfort was felt. They both may fit in while in Vivid Street, but here they both stuck out like sore thumbs. They didn't fit in at all, and it wasn't just their outfits that didn't fit the stereotypical 'norm'.
“Where exactly do you think this feeling is coming from-” Toya spoke, breaking the silence. They didn't want to upset Kohane, he just simply wanted to know what he could do to help her. They noticed for a while now, how she's been on this sort of decline. Most importantly, its affected her and An’s ability singing, it’s like they've drifted apart but not intentionally. As if the gap was caused by some outside factor, or rather internal feelings. Same goes for Akito. It seems nobody in Vivid BAD SQUAD was feeling right at all. They had to practice, they had to sing, but recently things always felt so forced. For Kohane, it seemed this was building up internally for a while, but something finally caused her to feel like thing. Something, something has happened weather once or multiple times and it made her feel this way now. It’s something to do with the way she feels for An... she can’t even say she loves her, so what on earth is going through her mind. “You- you don’t want to tell me, if you don’t want to that is.” "Just remember, I'm always here for you if you need me"
Kohane just can’t seem to describe it really. Well, of course they know what thoughts are going through their mind but... to say that all out loud, she just wasn't ready. Kohane wasn't sure when she truly would be ready. The words he just said, "I’m always here for you if you need me" exactly what she said to An, but it fell upon deaf ears. Watching that door shut Infront of her felt like her trying to push Kohane away, or perhaps, just maybe, she was looking out for herself. Then again that's just anxiety influenced thoughts. An wouldn't push her away. The only one pushing away here, is Kohane herself. They know that they hate that. She's quiet for a bit, but speaks up
“I, I think it might be because of-" Suddenly this feeling of unease gathers in her chest, as if this sudden intense weight rested on her shoulders. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't get the words out. It felt painful, restrictive. “I’m just not ready to explain yet. I’m sorry” She walks away from Toya, but before they do, Kohane looks up at him one last time. 'He seems so concerned; he cares so much... why am I doing this to him? I don't mean to do this to him I'm just- I'm bothering him. Burden, that's what I am'
———
Taking her keys out of her pocket, and opening the door with the usual click, she stepped inside her house.
The usual feeling of comfort and relief that she had back at home enveloped her like a warm hug, yet after everything that happened this evening, did she truly deserve a hug at all? No, in her opinion she didn’t.
Turning the lights on was not an option, having to rely on her already mediocre vision mixed with an anxiety induced haze. Her goal was simple, make it upstairs, to her room, without knocking anything over or feeling worse. A certain kind of anxiety welled in her stomach, the kind of anxiety that stops you in your tracks, the kind that makes you want to say, ‘Fuck this!’ To everything and curl up in a little ball under the blankets of your bed. That was her goal really but first she had to get there.
The walls in her house, decorated in photographs. No paintings, just photographs, every single one professionally done, with the occasional abundance of mediocrity that splattered across the walls, those being photos from Kohane’s albums. They weren’t the worst pictures, but she could see the imperfections every time she walked past. But hey, an artist is always their worst critic and this certainly wasn’t a different case. Stair by stair, creak after creak, her heart raced faster and faster. No part of Kohane wanted to explain why they were up at such an hour. No part of them wanted to talk about their evening either. Her parents, they just wouldn’t understand this sort of situation she’s having… she knows that all too well. Count Pearl, being a diurnal snake (opposite to nocturnal, yes I had to google this) meant that the only company Kohane had was the ticking of the clock in the hallway.
Suddenly, she felt a buzz in her pocket. Not wanting to answer straight away, she quickly managed to retreat to her room, closing the door gently behind her.
Now, in comparison to the drab external look of her house, Kohane’s room (during the day at least) was bright and colourful. Decorations and memorabilia all over the walls from Phoenix Wonderland, pictures of Count Pearl, pictures of her and all her friends… pictures of her and An. Gazing at the pictures she had on the wall as they hung their jacket up on the coat hanger, she swore she could hear that clock tick louder, as if it was mimicking her own heartbeat. A crack of moonlight shone through the curtains, and directly onto a picture of her and An. Her phone buzzed again, finally checking it Kohane saw who it was. Messages from An.
Opening her phone, rushing at once to their messages- just to find that whatever she said was, deleted? Unsent, and a little typing bubble bouncing on An’s side of the screen. Bouncing and jumping until, it stopped, An did not send another message, and Kohane wanted to know why. Hovering her thumbs over the keyboard, wanting to reach out to her, yearning for that conversation, she felt that feeling again, as if being sucker punched by guilt, by fear. Yet again the clock began to tick, faster and faster. As if time was running out.
Time was not running out. Not now, not just yet. No, this felt like something was fast approaching. Something was going to happen. Something is going to happen...
But would Kohane be ready for it?