Chapter Text
Sakuya paces back and forth in his room. Ryo was sound asleep, having knocked out hours ago. Sakuya checks the time on his phone for the millionth time. 12:03 am. Yushi should be asleep by now, right? he thought. Carefully and quietly, sakuya makes his way out of their dorm on the third floor to go to the other dorm on the fourth floor. He holds his breath while entering the passcode, hoping the unlocking tune of the door doesn’t wake anyone. He makes his way to yushi’s room, turning the door nob as quietly as possible.
Sakuya lets out a sigh of relief as the sight of yushi sleeping soundlessly greets him. He’s faced away from the doorway where sakuya stands, towards the wall, the only visible part of him being his messy head of hair peeking out under the bundle of blankets on him. Sakuya pads over to him quietly, taking in his sleeping form. He reaches out to gently stroke yushi’s hair, feeling some of the tension in his body leaving him.
He doesn’t know why he’s like this really. It’s been months of this current dorm situation, and sakuya had thought he had fully adapted to no longer rooming with yushi. But alas, with his newfound feelings epiphany, every thing was different, and tonight in particular, sakuya thought he would die if he went without holding yushi.
They often did sleep together when they were roommates, when the stress of their debut got to them, and neither one of them could fall asleep. It started when yushi heard sakuya toss and turn for the millionth time one day, that he finally called saku over, scooting over in the cramped twin xl to make space for the both of them.
And now currently, sakuya wishes he could hold yushi or be held by him, anything to be close to him. He slowly lifts up the blanket, sliding in behind yushi’s sleeping figure. His arms make their way around yushi’s waist, pulling him closer. Sakuya lets out a shaky breath. He wills himself to not hold yushi too tight, not wanting to wake him up. He’s noticed that happening lately, when his feelings get the best of him. It makes him hold yushi a little too tight, grip his wrist a little too hard, press himself into yushi a little too much. Any other member would have complained and tried to pull away, but yushi always just took it, never pulling away, never making it apparent he was in any pain. It made sakuya want to cry. Yushi was just so perfect, so kind, so understanding. It made sakuya greedy, made him wish he had yushi all to himself, that he was the only one who got to experience yushi’s kindness.
Sakuya feels yushi stir awake suddenly, making him realize he was once again holding him too tight. He feels yushi stiffen in his hold, slowly becoming aware of the additional presence in his bed.
Saku burrows his face in yushis neck, breathing in his familiar scent. “hyung,” he whines.
it has yushi relaxing immediately, head flopping back down on his pillow, arms coming up to hold the ones around him. “Saku what’s wrong?” his voice is laced with sleep, low and raspy, sending shivers down sakuya’s spine.
“i missed you,” sakuya whispers. yushi turns around to face him, eyes just barely open, arms coming up to invite him in. “come here” he says, and sakuya understands immediately, face pressing into yushi’s chest, his arms coming around to hold him. Yushi doesn’t ask any questions, doesn’t wonder why sakuya is so far from his own bed in the middle of the night, he just accepts that sakuya needs him right now.
When sakuya is sure that yushi has fallen back asleep, he whispers the secret that’s been haunting him for weeks.
“I love you,”
and with that, sakuya is able to relax immediately, feeling sleep overcome him, unaware to the way the figure holding him stiffens, no longer asleep.
Sometimes, sakuya wishes he and yushi weren’t idols. He imagines them being normal friends in high school or maybe meeting in college. Sakuya thinks he would feel a lot less scared of his feelings for yushi, the knowledge that he could run away at any moment if it got to be too much, comforts him.
He loves being an idol though, sakuya knows he wouldn’t have it any other way (especially since it brought him to yushi), but it’s a lot more confining than he was expecting. with the situation he’s in, his only choices are to confess and get his heart broken and eternally ruin things between them and the group, or to suffer through it and pretend it doesn’t drive him crazy to know that yushi doesn’t see him as more than a younger brother, to know that his gentle caresses and touches are never made with the intention he wants.
He and yushi are currently in yushi’s room. It’s one of the few days in the middle of their promotions where they don’t have anything scheduled. Sakuya had messaged yushi early in the morning asking if he could come over. Yushi agreed and the two had spent the day lazying around, playing video games and scrolling on tiktok. they were now currently watching a movie on yushi’s bed, laptop propped up on his bed side table. But sakuya wasn’t really watching. No, he was too immersed in his own thoughts, tuning out the sound of the movie (what was it called again?), opting to stare at yushi’s side profile as discretely as possible. with the way they were sitting, yushi half sitting on sakuya’s lap, it was easy to get away with staring at him for a few seconds before yushi would notice.
However Yushi is much more perceptive than sakuya gives him credit for, and he can immediately tell when sakuya has stopped paying attention to the movie. Sakuya realizes he’s been caught when yushi suddenly pauses the movie, craning his head back to look at sakuya. “you’re not even watching,” he whines. Yushi had been excited to show sakuya this movie, knowing they had similar tastes in movies and shows. They often did things like this back when they were roommates, locking themselves up in their room for hours to binge watch tv.
“sorry” sakuya leans into yushi’s neck as if to hide his face there, surprising both Yushi and himself when he lays a gentle kiss on his shoulder, an apology that means more than his words.
Sakuya doesn’t know what overtook him, why he suddenly kissed yushi’s shoulder. He just knew that it felt right, like it’s what he should have done. Realizing what he had done, Sakuya tries to play it off as normal, like he didn’t just pour his heart out to yushi with that little action. He avoids yushi’s gaze, for fear of what he’ll see. Sakuya tries to reach for the laptop to resume the movie but is stopped by yushi’s hand reaching for his and intertwining them.
At this point Sakuya’s heart is pounding out of his chest. He can hear his own pulse from all the blood rushing, heating his ears and turning them red. Yushi turns to fully face Sakuya, abandoning the movie.
Uh-oh Sakuya thinks. He knows yushi’s going to try to talk to him. Maybe yushi was going to confront him again about his weird behavior from many weeks ago, or maybe he was finally going to put his foot down and tell sakuya to tone it down with the skinship. Whatever it was, sakuya didn’t want to hear it. Either way he knew this conversation was going to leave his heart broken and bleeding.
So he is fully surprised when instead of saying anything, yushi reaches his hands up to cup sakuya’s face. Yushi’s hands are so small though, his fingertips barely reach under sakuya’s eyes. Sakuya flushes even harder at the realization that yushi can probably feel how hot his face feels, and he briefly wonders if yushi can also hear his heart, the erratic pace at which it beats for him and him only.
“saku-chan” is all he says, staring at him. Sakuya feels his insides melt everytime yushi calls him that, with his ever so gentle voice. for as nervous as he is, sakuya doesn’t avoid yushi’s gaze, staring back at him just as intently, hoping that if he can’t say it out loud, that yushi can see in his eyes just how much love he has for him.
Yushi’s eyes trace over every feature of sakuya’s, drinking it all in: his big round eyes with dark irises, darker than his own, his cute button nose (possibly yushi’s favorite feature he thinks), his full doll like lips that the make-up artists were always trying to cover in concealer (he always wondered why they only did it to sakuya), and his dark, almost too long fringe that fell over his eyebrows (he needs a haircut, he briefly notes).
Then finally, after their silent staring session, yushi breaks the tension with two words:
“Kiss me,”
Sakuya’s eyes widen comically, not believing his ears. He had flinched back a little in surprise, enough for yushi’s hands to lose contact with his face. But that doesn’t stop him. Yushi moves to loop his hands around sakuya’s neck, pulling him a little closer than they were before.
“Saku-chan, kiss me,” he tries again, searching for anything in sakuya’s eyes that could tell him no, tell him that he had the wrong impression this whole time. But he doesn’t. Instead all yushi finds in sakuya’s eyes is longing, love, and pure unconditional adoration. Sakuya stares at him like he’s his whole world.
Slowly and unsurely, sakuya’s hands come up to cup yushi’s face, the same way yushi had done earlier. Leaning in slowly, giving yushi the chance to change his mind, sakuya finally closes his eyes when their faces get so close it makes him dizzy and cross eyed.
Yushi on the other hand, keeps his eyes open, wanting to see every detail and reaction sakuya makes. When their lips meet, sakuya gasps a little, still in shock that yushi is letting him do this, never mind the fact that he asked him. Yushi stays still, not stiff, but just accepting anything sakuya gives him, wanting sakuya to go at his own pace. Once sakuya gets over his initial shock, his lips meet yushi’s with more purpose this time, testing out the plushness of his lips.
He briefly thinks back to their school of wish fan meeting, when they had to guess the member by the body part. his mind is filled with the vivid image of sion gently stroking yushi’s bottom lip, the way he jutted it out in a slight pout for sion to have better access, before pulling away shyly, licking his lip and leaving it glistening with his saliva. Sakuya remembers that image plaguing his mind for days, making it impossible for him to look at yushi at times. Sakuya now realizes that was probably the first time he felt attracted to yushi.
and it’s that image that spurs sakuya to capture yushi’s lips more enthusiastically, still not quite sure what he’s doing, but enjoying it nonetheless.
Yushi lets out a little sigh, finally closing his eyes and basking in the feel of sakuya’s lips on his. He feels so so warm, like sakuya’s instense love for him was pouring out and heating him up. Yushi lets out a little whine when sakuya sucks on his lower lip. It encourage sakuya to try more things. he gently prods his tongue at yushi’s lips, asking for access. Yushi welcomes him gladly, hands moving to fist at sakuya’s hair, tugging at it at little. Sakuya groans in response, mind getting dizzy with the scent and sounds and feel of yushi. all he can think of is yushi, the feel of his lips, they way he tugs at sakuya’s hair, letting him know how much he’s enjoying it, the little noises he makes. his mind is filled with just yushi, yushi, yushi.
When they’ve finally been at it enough to run out of breath they break away, panting in each other’s vicinity. Yushi smiles at him with pure joy, the knowledge that sakuya wanted this, wanted this as badly as he did, and that he enjoyed it warms his heart even further as if that were possible.
and finally, sakuya hears the words he never in a million years expected yushi to say to him:
“I love you,”
yushi beams at him, glowing in their shared love, giddy to have confessed his biggest secret to sakuya.
And all of a sudden, tears well up in sakuya’s eyes despite how much he fights against. He cries because despite how much he enjoyed the kiss, he didn’t know why yushi wanted to kiss him, if it was just for fun, if yushi was maybe just indulging in sakuya because he did such a bad job at hiding his infatuation for him, or if maybe, it was for the very small chance that yushi also liked him back.
and so he cries. he cries and he cries, despite how much he doesn’t want to because he knows he’s ruining the mood and worrying yushi. but he’s just so relieved. he feels as if every possible weight was lifted off of him, like he could float away at any moment.
Sakuya cries because he’s so happy that he doesn’t have to ignore his feelings anymore, that kissing yushi didn’t ruin everything between them. He cries because just a few weeks ago, he had been ready to go the rest of his life acting like yushi doesn’t mean everything to him. He cries because he’s just so damn happy that yushi loves him back.