Chapter Text
Forbidden Attraction
A moratorium is a perpetual theme in life that strikes during a pivotal years of adolescence.
Since I haven't completely passed through it yet, I can't speak to what comes after, but for now it feels eternal—a contradiction in itself.
The moratorium of my ninth-grade year passed relatively peacefully, largely thanks to my stepsister's presence.
It was during summer break when I suddenly gained a "sister." My soon-to-be stepfather and my mother were so infatuated with each other that they seemed to have completely forgotten the existence of a daughter facing high school entrance exams.
When my mother excitedly announced, "I'm getting remarried," along with plans to move, transfer schools, and become family with complete strangers, I felt an indescribable irritation toward the entire process.
She broke the news to me in June of ninth grade.
I spent July agonizing over it. And then came August—the middle of summer break, on a sweltering day.
I could have maintained my stance against my mother's remarriage and boycotted the whole thing. But I was too much of a "model student." I had conformed to that role so completely that all I could do was obey while showing my discontent on my face. I knew my mother had struggled as a single parent, and something inside me held me back from openly rebelling.
They were already seated in a secluded corner of a quiet restaurant. A large man sat at the back, and in front of him, I could see a back with long, dark chestnut hair cascading down.
The man noticed my mother, broke into a broad smile on his stern face, and waved. When I glanced at my mother, she looked like a girl in love. Internally, I thought "ugh," but tried not to show it.
The large man had a soft mohawk, with the remaining hair in the back tied in a ponytail. He stood up and offered my mother his seat. Inevitably, I ended up sitting across from my soon-to-be stepfather, next to the girl he'd been talking to.
Standing beside the empty seat, I absentmindedly gazed at her chestnut hair. My eyes traced her sun-tanned, healthy cheeks, straight nose bridge, high cheekbones, and sensual lips. I felt my throat go dry.
"Come on, sit down, Clarke," my mother called out, bringing me back to reality.
Her eyes captured mine. They were a bright moss green, clear as marbles. For a moment, I held my breath.
A longing rose within me that I immediately had to suppress.
She was going to be my stepsister. "Lexa," her name was called.
The weight of despair inside me grew heavier. I saw in her something I recognized in myself.
I had no choice but to hide it. By the time I fell hopelessly in love, we were destined to become sisters.
Hidden Love
I was a model student. A school transfer wouldn't affect my academic record. The mock exams I took after settling into my new environment gave me an "A" rating for my target high school.
My target high school—the same one Lexa—my "big sister"—attended.
When I told my parents I wanted to go there, they were thrilled. Her high school was prestigious, with a high college admission rate.
I was decent at studying. I didn't stress about exams. What irritated me were my feelings for my sister.
Suppressed love. Or rather, an obsession. The hidden desire beneath it caused me more stress than I had realized.
Conveniently, my parents assumed it was exam stress. Only Lexa knew the truth. Her scorching glances shamed me. And I enjoyed it.
There was no game of seduction. It was just our feelings overflowing. When they spilled beyond the surface tension, I made excuses to patch things up. I pleaded. Lexa gave. Always.
That's how we—my sister and I—kissed. Fearful, yet drowning in sweet nectar.
But the fear that nested within me grew silently. Mixed with the anxiety that Lexa would leave my side, I eventually spilled over again.
And Lexa is sweet to me. Melted into a puddle, she gave me a promise. It's always Lexa who gives, and I accept without pretense. I drink it up. And I melt too.
I became my sister's. I am her secret lover.
Spring Departure
Spring.
I became a high school sophomore, and Lexa moved to a city about three hours away by bullet train to study education.
As the cherry blossoms bloomed, she moved to her new home.
An empty room. Still carrying Lexa's scent.
I threw myself onto her bed and allowed myself to shed a few tears down my cheeks.
Even though I kept telling myself I'd be fine, sometimes emptiness would consume me.
Raven and Octavia, whom I'd befriended in high school, had mastered the art of seeming to listen to my melancholic ramblings while actually filtering them out.
"How do you think cherry blossoms get that vivid color? There are bodies buried beneath the trees, and the trees absorb the nutrients," I'd say.
A moderate distance felt comfortable. We often spent lunch on the rooftop, just the three of us.
Octavia would lean against the fence, her legs stretched out from her short pleated uniform skirt, drinking strawberry milk from a carton. Raven would sit next to her, reading a mechanical engineering book.
I'd squeeze between them, resting my legs on Raven's lap and my head on Octavia's knee, gazing up at the sky.
"Maybe I'll skip next class," Octavia said in a languid voice, staring at her phone.
She has a boyfriend three years older than her.
Raven snorted, and I simply continued looking at the sky without responding.
Our thoughts, actions, routines—sometimes matching, often not.
Still, we enjoyed being together.
"Aren't you leaving soon anyway?" I mumbled.
Octavia pressed her half-empty carton into my hand, gently supporting my head as she lowered it to the floor—roughly at the last moment.
I bumped my head slightly. Ouch.
Raven closed her book with a snap.
Her legs were pulled away, and my legs fell to the floor.
My heels hit the ground in free fall. Ouch.
Raven stood up and checked her phone.
I didn't miss the slight relaxation of her cheeks.
Still in my dropped position, I moved my neck slightly to watch her.
What we had in common was that we were all in relationships our parents probably wouldn't approve of.
Octavia often talked about her older boyfriend, and Raven had confided that she was in a romantic relationship with two older women.
I talked about Lexa.
Among us, only Octavia has a promising outlook.
We can only see the world from our own perspectives.
Kindred Spirits
My stepfather and mother get along well.
With Lexa gone, the house felt quiet and empty, but their good relationship provided some comfort.
"By the way, Lexa said she can't come back until summer break," my father mentioned casually during dinner.
I had expected as much, but hearing it said aloud was disappointing.
I said nothing and sipped the miso soup my mother had made.
After dinner, I spent some idle time in the living room before taking a bath.
After completing my bedtime routine and saying "good night" to my parents, I returned to my room and carefully closed the door.
Lexa had sent a message just before dinner.
Working late today
Just that. She rarely uses emojis.
Loneliness squeezed my chest, but I collapsed onto my bed and slept until morning.
I wonder how Octavia copes with loneliness.
What about Raven?
Empty House
Busy. Busy. Busy.
Such messages had accumulated.
Days without hearing her voice piled up, and dissatisfaction and anxiety accumulated.
Adapting to a new environment, keeping up with classes, doing anything—it's all personal responsibility.
Knowing this, I couldn't say anything either.
Both she and I are model students. We tend to suppress our feelings.
I sighed and threw my phone onto the cafeteria table.
My irritation drew curious eyes from my two friends.
"Your 'beloved' sister?" Raven asked with a grin.
Octavia wore a similar expression.
I ignored them, sighed, and took a sip of water from my bottle.
A tingling sensation of frustration, fear, and some inexplicable heavy, stagnant mass seemed to weigh on my chest.
It was suffocating.
"...She hasn't been in touch much lately," I finally admitted.
It was always me who spilled.
"Hmm," Raven responded noncommittally.
Octavia displayed a slightly awkward half-smile and said nothing.
Silence. The atmosphere where we didn't need to force conversation was comfortable.
Tick, tick.
The long holiday from late April to late May was approaching.
Lexa wouldn't be coming home then.
I thought about getting a short-term job.
Fortunately, half of the six-day holiday was filled with work.
I didn't have to think about the loneliness of my sister not returning.
I plastered on a smile while soliciting customers at a cell phone shop, earning money.
There was no contact from Lexa.
I spent the first three days of the holiday working, and on the fourth day, I hung out with Octavia and Raven.
Spring had departed early, and it was already hot.
Reluctant to go outside, we ate ice cream in my room and spent a lazy time together.
We vaguely discussed future plans (Raven likely had a solid vision, and I had a general direction. Octavia was probably thinking about her boyfriend), end-of-term exams (Raven and I would be fine. Octavia... not so much), and how to spend the rest of the holiday.
Otherwise, we did our own things.
In the evening, Octavia received a call from her boyfriend, and we decided to call it a day.
I saw them to the entrance.
The two of them put on their shoes, and before leaving, they faced me.
"Clarke, you gloomy thing, your attitude lately is irritating to watch," Raven said sharply.
Then, she pulled something out of her bag and held it out.
Bewildered, I looked at Raven, then at Octavia.
Octavia also nodded with a knowing face.
"Bullet train tickets. For tomorrow," Raven said, placing what she held in my hand before I could respond.
Before I could say anything, they disappeared through the door.
I can't thank Raven and Octavia enough.
Coping Alone
It was around 11:30 AM.
I was standing at an unfamiliar station.
Being a bullet train station, it was bustling.
I hadn't told Lexa I was coming today.
The only clue I had was the address of the apartment she had left behind before moving.
About 15 minutes on foot from the station. A bit far from the station, but a little closer to her campus, she had said.
Climbing two flights of stairs in a building that was easily decades old, I reached the furthest room, 319.
Thinking of what a strange numbering system, I rang the intercom.
After a slight pause, a muffled voice answered, "Yes?"
A live voice. A voice I hadn't heard in a while.
My spine trembled with joy.
I gripped the sleeve of my spring coat tightly.
Slowly, the door opened.
Relaxed room wear, disheveled hair, slightly tired eyes.
The beloved face hadn't changed at all, and I couldn't suppress the smile on my face.
"Big sis," I called out, and her face froze in surprise. She seemed to stop breathing for a few seconds.
"Clarke..." She called my name in astonishment, but there was no sign of joy on her face.
"Who is it?" I heard a woman's voice from inside.
With that voice, Lexa's rigidity eased.
I could see inside. A figure emerged from the hallway, drying her head with a towel as she walked away, as if she had just finished bathing...
An unpleasant mass of emotion surged strongly from deep within me.
Without even a moment to think about staying calm, I ran away with a distorted face.
"Clarke, wait!" A scream chased after me.
I sprinted down the hallway at what felt like my fastest speed ever.
But my sister, being slightly taller, had a longer reach.
Just before reaching the stairs, my arm was caught.
"Clarke, listen, baby," I shook my head, rejecting my sister.
Still, Lexa wouldn't let go of my arm.
I was confused.
My heart ached.
I couldn't breathe.
Contrary to my will, tears started flowing.
Lexa hugged me tightly, capturing me as I struggled to escape.
Forcibly enclosed in her arms, I gradually regained my composure.
"Come on, for now," my sister whispered gently in my ear and intertwined her fingers with mine.
I obediently followed.
Lexa's room was filled with her scent.
It squeezed my chest.
A one-room apartment with a kitchen, bath, and toilet. The bathroom and toilet were immediately to the left upon entering, and the kitchen was set in a slightly recessed space in the hallway before the only room.
The room contained just one cabinet, a bed, and a small desk, with little decoration.
On top of the natural wood-colored cabinet was a photo of us taken on Lexa's graduation day, which slightly reassured me.
"Echo, sorry, could you just head out once you're ready?" After seating me on the bed and sealing my lips with hers, Lexa spoke to the brown-haired woman sitting on the floor.
Echo, as she was called, smiled wryly, nodded in understanding, and after getting ready, left.
"Did you tell Dad and Mom?" Emotionally exhausted, I couldn't speak.
I shook my head, indicating I hadn't informed my parents.
Lexa sighed in her characteristic way and dragged her phone from the desk.
With her operation, the call app immediately rang.
Once, twice, three times...
Mom finally answered on the fifth ring.
"Hello?"
"Ah, Mom?"
"Lexa?"
"Yes, it's me."
From the call speaker, I could hear a carefree voice asking, "What's up?"
When my sister informed her that I was here, a broken scream shook the smartphone, and Lexa grimaced as she pulled the phone away from her ear.
That made me laugh a little.
I showed Lexa the gift from Octavia and Raven in my bag.
The return ticket was properly there too.
She confirmed it with just her eyes, exchanged a few more words with our mother, and then quietly hung up.
"Hey, who was that?"
"She's a senior from my club. I'll introduce you later, but more importantly..."
Lexa's eyes were moist with unexpected joy.
When I opened my arms, my sister, unable to hold back, jumped into them.
Reconciliation
Well, I am still only 16.
Our kisses became passionate, but she said we'd wait for anything beyond that until I became an adult.
About a year and a half more.
"Hey, sis, do you ever flick the bean?" My question dramatically changed her complexion.
It was so dramatic, it was amusing.
To my speechless sister, I couldn't suppress my grin and added, "Let me know when you do."
"Idiot, of course not!" Her voice was almost a scream.
She hit my arm with a pillow. Ouch.
Then, my sister told me who the senior from earlier was.
She joined the university's track and field club, partly for physical activity and partly to get information about tests and lectures, and it seems she found a good information source who clicked with her.
Lexa had apparently told that senior about me. The chestnut-haired senior also had a boyfriend.
I stuck out my tongue slightly and apologized to my beloved. I had jumped to conclusions. Oh, really, what a relief.
I felt relieved.
Lexa had a part-time job in the evening, but if we left together, I could still make my bullet train time.
We went for lunch at her recommended restaurant (which she said was recommended by another senior, different from the chestnut-haired one), and she gave me a brief tour of the city she lived in.
Lexa apparently juggled several part-time jobs. She showed me where she worked.
According to her, one place had particularly delicious staff meals.
Then, we returned to the apartment to get ready.
As we were about to leave, Lexa presented something to me.
It was a single, bare key.
"In case you need to come unexpectedly," she said, slightly embarrassed.
When I held out my palm, the key dropped into it.
Its weight brought a happiness so intense I nearly cried.
At the entrance, I put on my shoes, and we shared a goodbye kiss. It lingered a bit, growing slightly heated.
After catching our breath, we held hands.
I locked my lover's room with my brand-new key.
Lexa was dressed extremely casually in a white printed T-shirt and worn jeans, with just her keys and phone tucked into her pockets. She stood with only her thumb hooked into her pocket.
"I'll come home in summer," she said, her eyes seemingly a little moist. "Wait for me."
All I could do was nod because my voice would have trembled.
I waved, turned around, and stepped forward.
After passing through the ticket gate, I looked back to see Lexa waving with a smile that looked about to break into tears.
Once settled in my bullet train seat, I suddenly felt inspired to send her a message.
Why are you working so many part-time jobs?
Late at night, probably after her shift ended, her reply came:
That's a secret. It's a surprise.
When I checked that message the next morning, my face couldn't stop smiling all day.
Summer Promise
Now, after that.
Before summer break began, there was Lexa's birthday.
I had a video call with her looking a bit tired.
We stayed connected from when I got home from school until bedtime. Sometimes talking, sometimes not.
And at night... Well, night-time mood . That's a secret just between the two of us, Lexa and me.
First-year university students have many general education courses and required subjects. That means exams for each lecture.
Taking tests right up until summer break began, Lexa apparently jumped on the bullet train and came straight home.
We headed to Lexa's secret place in the evening.
Passing through a narrow path between houses, climbing a long stone staircase, there's a thin path like an animal trail through tall grass. When you go through it, the view suddenly opens up, and you reach the top of a small hill where only old trees stand.
Lexa went ahead, pulling me by the hand.
Under a tree, I sat down, and she stood leaning her back against the trunk.
For a while, we both gazed at the sky dyed vividly red.
"Hey, Clarke," Lexa called out to me quietly, still facing the sky.
"Hmm?"
"It's a bit early, but here's your birthday present."
Saying that, she extended her hand that she had pulled from her pocket.
She was blushing from her cheeks to the tip of her nose.
A slightly oversized square box. When told to open it, I did so gently.
Inside was a simple, slender silver ring with a delicate silver chain threaded through it.
"Ah," I breathed in admiration.
"You're coming to this university, right? ...Let's live together."
She always gives me promises. With those, I survive. I can live.
"Yes," was all I could manage to answer.
Future Plans
After receiving that promise...
Lexa stayed with me until the last possible moment before returning to her part-time job. After she left, I worked diligently for the remainder of the break.
That money was almost entirely spent treating Octavia and Raven to Universal Studios Japan tickets.
I resolved to find work in winter and spring to save money.
Next year, I want to do something for Lexa's birthday.
What should I give her?
I've been thinking about various things, but haven't come up with anything specific yet. There's still time, so I can figure it out slowly.
Sometimes at night, before falling asleep, I imagine the layout and interior of the apartment we'll share. A cabinet lined with photos of us together; I want cute kitchen supplies too, since I'll be cooking for my sister. Lexa becomes a total bookworm sometimes, so we'll need a proper bookshelf, even if it's small. A bathroom counter with just our two toothbrushes side by side. Will we share shampoo, conditioner, and body wash? Just imagining it makes my face soften into a smile, my chest feeling full.
The thin, soft silver chain that touches my collarbone sometimes feels cold against my skin, asserting its presence. That sensation always reminds me of my promise with Lexa.
My parents would probably be delighted if I told them I wanted to live with my sister when I start college. They'd surely remain oblivious to the true meaning behind our arrangement. That makes a twinge of guilt ache in my chest. The pain is something I can get through if I close my eyes, crouch down, and wait for it to pass.
But really, what choice do I have?
Lexa is already a part of me.
I can't live without her.
Being apart is hard right now, but that's exactly what fuels my determination.
During every video call, I want to reach out and touch her smiling cheeks.
Sometimes, I catch a sweet, bittersweet scent drifting through the screen.
Oh, how I want to bury my nose in the crook of Lexa's neck and breathe in all of that scent, all the lingering traces of her–our–emotions.
About 580 days left, maybe?
Three hours apart by bullet train.
This distance, too, is just part of our story.
Looking forward to "that day," we continue to laugh together.