Chapter Text
“Jean.”
Jean’s face remained blank and closed-off as he watched Kevin approach. Jeremy wondered again over the enormity of emotions hiding behind that look, the years of pains and comforts. When it became clear that Jean was not planning to answer Kevin’s pleading voice, Jeremy looked instead to Kevin, who had come to a stop standing with his front almost pressed to the kitchen island, as if trying to get as close to Jean on the other side as possible. The look on his face shocked Jeremy, who had seen Kevin school his expressions in front of the press numerous times and knew what callousness hid behind them. Now, it seemed that Kevin was trying to contort his face into the same blank mask, but the muscles in his face twitched slightly with uncontrolled emotion. Almost as soon as he’d seen it, it disappeared as Kevin set his jaw and narrowed his eyes slightly as they travelled across Jean’s upper half.
Kevin reached out to pluck Jean’s cup from his hand, setting it down next to him with a clink. “You look better. California agrees with you,” he said.
“You could sound less proud of yourself,” Jean answered. A sour look had settled on his face, but dissolved the second he saw Renee, who had peeked her head into the kitchen. Kevin had turned his head at her approach, but quickly looked back to peer at Jean’s cup. His brows had lowered and a small frown had appeared on his lips in an expression that was likely unintelligible to anyone but Kevin and Jean themselves, thought Jeremy.
“Hello, Jean. I’m glad to see you’re doing better,” said Renee with a pleasant smile.
Jean didn’t quite smile back, but he looked at ease as he said, “Hello, Renee.” Jeremy tried to tamp down the feelings that the French pronunciation of her name conjured; feelings he was not allowed to have.
Jeremy started to turn away and leave to give them some privacy, but was distracted by Kevin’s abrupt sliding of Jean’s cup back across the counter. Before the loud scratch of ceramics on granite had stopped ringing in Jeremy’s ears, Kevin had hurried out of the kitchen. Jeremy looked from the empty doorway where he’d disappeared through to Renee’s pitying face and Jean’s indecipherable expression. Jean only rolled his eyes in the direction of the door when he made eye contact, and Jeremy again decided to leave them.
The rest of the Foxes had settled with Cat and Laila in the living room and looked to Jeremy from where they had looked at Kevin, who was standing awkwardly along the wall. Jeremy met Laila’s gaze and at the insistence she could see in his eyes, she picked up the small talk that they had heard from the kitchen before. The Foxes were slow to lose their focus on Kevin, though, and Jeremy felt their eyes on him as he led Kevin into privacy.
Jeremy closed the door behind them and turned to see Kevin looking around the bedroom with a look of quiet wonder. Immediate regret followed as Jeremy realized that Jean had perhaps not wanted Kevin in his room. “Kevin,” he started to say, but Kevin was already moving around the small room, not touching anything but looking at the sparse decoration with great interest.
“Kevin,” Jeremy started again. “Let’s go back out into the living room.” Kevin stopped, but made no effort to move. Jeremy suppressed a sigh and continued, “Jean might not want you in here. It’s his room, too.”
Kevin started moving towards him in the dark room. “What’s his is mine,” he said, and Jeremy startled. He thought of how Kevin had taken Jean’s cup without a word, and how Jean had let him have it.
“No, it isn’t. You know it’s not.” Jeremy turned on the lights and watched Kevin blink in the sudden brightness. “You’re not in the Nest anymore, Kevin.”
Kevin was suddenly standing uncomfortably close, peering down at Jeremy. “Sometimes—” he started, and paused with the look of a man who was trying his hardest to form a cacophony of thoughts into comprehensible speech only for the relief of having someone listen and understand. His eyes flicked back to the door, and he pushed Jeremy on his path back out into the living room. “Nevermind,” he said, but his back was already turned.
The Foxes looked up again as Kevin entered the living room, Jeremy on his heels. Jeremy looked to where Cat and Laila had cuddled up in the papasan chair, and shook his head as subtly as he could when he saw Cat open her mouth to say something.
They were distracted once again when Jean and Renee suddenly entered from the kitchen. Jeremy tried to ignore the faint flush of Jean’s cheeks and how close they were walking, until they came to a stop as they felt the others’ eyes on them. Jeremy made eye contact with Jean, who took a step towards him as if by instinct, and by doing so, stepped out of Renee’s reach.
Renee cleared her throat. “Don’t let us distract you from whatever conversation you were having. Unless you were eavesdropping?” Her tone was pleasant and light, but Jeremy felt his face turn pink despite not having eavesdropped at all. The others seemed to share his shame, as the room was quickly filled with the noises of throats being cleared and stilted conversation starting anew.
Kevin made eye contact with Jean and nodded him over. “Show me what you’re wearing tomorrow,” he said, and Jean led the both of them back into the bedroom with a look in Jeremy’s direction.
The lights were already on and Jean didn’t hesitate before he threw the doors of his wardrobe open and gestured at his half of it. Jeremy joined him where he sat down on the side of his bed and watched as Kevin diligently started to go through Jean’s clothing. Every time he spotted a piece in a more vibrant shade or pattern than a dark navy, he paused for a split second before moving on. “I can’t imagine you in color. Seems unnatural,” he said.
Jeremy felt himself frown but Jean was quicker to answer. “I’m doomed to wear gold this fall,” he said. “Deal with it.”
The thought of Jean in red and gold was enough to put a smile on Jeremy’s face again. He quickly made the effort to control it as Kevin set out four shirts on the bed and Jean stripped to try them on, and he kept his gaze carefully fastened to the floor until Jean was dressed and spinning slowly as Kevin inspected the shirts closely.
Kevin quickly rejected the first two shirts, but asked Jean to change between the latter two several times until Jean refused him. Jeremy didn’t understand Kevin’s inability to make a decision either; the shirts were identical. Well, nearly identical. Perhaps the second one was a bit tighter, which—
Jeremy’s train of thought was blessedly cut short by Kevin sticking his head back into the hallway and shouting, “Allison!”
Jean uttered what Jeremy knew were some creative curses as Allison trailed after Kevin back into the bedroom. Kevin only spared Jean a disapproving frown before holding up both shirts to Allison. “Which one is more suitable for studio lighting, do you think?”
Allison looked from the shirts to Jean. “I’ll have to see them on to know.”
“I’m not changing again,” said Jean. Jeremy looked from him to Allison and wondered if it was her presence that made him unwilling to take his shirt off, before dismissing the thought.
Allison crossed her arms. “Fine. Be that way. I’d guess the second one, but it will be easier to tell tomorrow.” She took the shirts from Kevin and held them up in front of Jean’s chest one by one, before lowering them abruptly. “Is that Renee’s necklace?” she asked, but her bewilderment was only met with stony silence from Jean.
“You should wear it tomorrow,” said Kevin. “Such a symbol would comfort those who are most likely to have a problem with you. You need all the good favor you can scrape together right now.” He reached out for the necklace where it hung half-hidden behind the collar of Jean’s shirt. Jean backed away, avoiding Kevin’s touch, and Jeremy stood up quickly enough that Kevin had to take a step back as well.
Jean tucked the necklace away with a pointed look. “I don’t care. It’s not performative, and I don’t want it to be.”
Allison handed the shirts back to Kevin and left the room, closing the door behind her. Jeremy wondered if she’d decided this was a private conversation, and if he should leave too. He looked at Jean and was stunned still. Jean’s gaze was fastened to Kevin’s back where he had turned to put the shirts back, and his eyes were no longer displaying an incomprehensible emotion; they were emotions that Jeremy recognized perfectly well.
Perhaps Jean felt Jeremy’s stare on him, or perhaps Jeremy’s shock had registered as a flinch in the corner of his eye. Either way, Jean looked back at him with the look of a deer caught in the headlights. Jeremy felt his stomach drop as he saw fearful understanding on Jean’s face and knew it was reflected on his own. Abruptly, Jean looked away, and barked “Out.” Kevin looked at the both of them briefly before leaving with a sigh, and with Jean’s second “Out!”, Jeremy hurried after him.
He stilled as soon as he had left the room and closed the door behind him. Kevin continued into the living room, so Jeremy opened the door next to Jean’s and went into the bathroom. He leaned his back to the locked door and let his head fall back to rest on the cool wood.
Images from the last half-hour raced through his head: Jean blushing when he stepped out of the kitchen with Renee, the look on Kevin’s face when he said “Sometimes—” and the look when the moment of brave honesty ran away, but mostly Jean’s look of— what? Remorse? Grief? Longing?
Jeremy intercepted the thought by turning the faucet on and washing his face in the cool water. It was none of his business, anyhow. It couldn’t be.
When he reentered the living room it was to the sounds and smells of their food arriving. Allison, Kevin and Laila were at the door with money in hand, though Laila backed away once she had gotten a solid look at the others’ wallets. She raised her eyebrows in a What about it? expression when she made eye contact with Jeremy, though the look was quickly replaced with concern as she read something in Jeremy’s expression. He looked away and found a place on the floor by the coffee table, and waited to see what the others had ordered for him.
He had just put some fried rice and chicken on his plate when Jean’s bedroom door opened and he entered the living room without a word. He had changed into a blue sweater and avoided meeting anyone’s eye as he settled on the opposite side of the coffee table from Jeremy and reached for one of the takeout boxes, peering inside it. Perhaps he felt Jeremy’s eyes on him once more, for he looked up.
Jeremy quickly decided he should pay attention to the conversation, and made an effort to listen to the ones happening on both sides of him. To his left were Cat, Aaron, Kevin, and Nicky, who seemed to be having a discussion about some video game. Cat and Nicky seemed to be the most opinionated, while Aaron only chimed in occasionally, often with some cutting remark. Kevin did not seem to be paying much attention to them, but then Jeremy did not think he was someone who played a lot of video games. To his right were Laila, Allison, Renee, Dan, and Matt, who were conversing more calmly and quietly about how they had gotten into Exy. Jeremy listened as Renee and Dan shared the tail end of their story about having played for rival teams when they were scouted by Coach Wymack, and he jumped into the conversation from there.
“What about you, Jeremy?” Allison asked him once she had shared a short anecdote of her own, and put her chin in her hands as she peered at him through her eyelashes. Jeremy blinked, confused. He had not had many experiences like this with women, but he was sure she was flirting with him. Did that mean they did not know? But how could they not?
He was so used to existing in a world where his freshman year haunted his every move that the thought of existing in a group where no one saw him for who he had been back then felt impossible. He had thought the Foxes would have known everything about him by their proximity to Kevin and his devotion to the Trojans. But if Allison was flirting with him, it meant she was unaware of his sexuality, and likely the rest as well.
Jeremy was unsure about how long he had been sitting in silence when Jean said “Jeremy is studying for law school,” apparently having decided that the silence meant that he could chime in on Jeremy’s Exy career. Jeremy made eye contact with him across the table until he realized that the conversations on both sides of the table had stopped and the only sound that remained was someone coughing on his left.
“No—” was all that Kevin could utter in between choked coughs, and Nicky started to pat his back as if to relieve it. Jeremy watched with a frown as Kevin got his breath back under control and felt the Foxes’ eyes on them. “What do you mean you’re studying for law school?” He looked up at Jeremy with eyes red and teary from coughing and Jeremy found himself unable to answer.
Nicky gave Kevin a last slap on the back. “Not everyone wants to spend all their lives with a racquet in hand, Kevin,” he said, with a look at Jeremy.
“You’re supposed to be court with me,” Kevin started, but Jeremy found his words and interrupted him, his voice firm and steady.
“I’d rather not get into it tonight.”
Kevin looked at him, still teary eyed, and opened his mouth to continue, but Aaron stuck out his foot to kick him lightly in the thigh and he left it. Jeremy looked back at Jean as Cat tried to get the conversation started again.
There was no way Jean was unaware of how Kevin would react to hearing about law school, Jeremy knew. The look on Jean’s face confirmed it. He had not reacted positively to the news of Jeremy’s short Exy career either, and wanted Jeremy to know what a bad decision he was making. Jean raised an eyebrow, and Jeremy knew he had gotten the reaction he wanted. Jeremy had to look away, but the prospect of rejoining the conversation about Exy put an ache in his chest, so he sat silent as he finished his meal.
He forced his face into a smile as he got up to collect the takeout containers and brought them into the kitchen for recycling. Cat and Jean came up behind him, having collected plates and cutlery, and Jeremy opened the fridge door to hide himself. It was well-stocked, as per usual, but the top shelf where Cat kept drinks was sparse. There were a couple of beers, but not enough for all of their guests.
He cleared his throat. “Maybe I should head out to the store. Buy some drinks.” He closed the fridge door and met Cat’s eyes.
She looked to the living room and then back at him. “... Sure. Do you want some company?” Warmth blossomed in his chest at her obvious concern, but also guilt. He owed her for trying to steer the conversation to safe topics all night, and for how quickly she had adapted to the situation. Before he could answer her, Kevin came into the kitchen.
“I’ll join you,” he said. “If you don’t mind.”
Jeremy did mind, actually. Instead of saying so, he just smiled and nodded, and gestured to the front door.