Chapter Text
The airport was packed with people, all pushing and shoving without care. As much as she hated the crowds, Lisa was grateful of being finally away from the hospital. More specifically, she was grateful for being away from House. She avoided him, ignoring his calls, his entire presence completely. She stepped in her office only when it was necessary and not “House” related. This behaviour didn’t paint her like the perfect Dean Of Medicine she always strived to be, but the thought of being in the same room with the man, his piercing eyes on her body, scrutinizing her moves, made her shiver with panic and something else, buried deep in her guts, that she didn’t know how to name.
It was inevitable that she also had to avoid Wilson as much as possible. He was House’s best friend, so it was inevitable for the oncologist to know of the plan he proposed to her. If possible, she was even more scared of Wilson and his stupid puppy eyes, his empathy and his capacity to understand her, even if she didn’t use words. She could picture in her head his head tilted to the side, his brain working fast to understand why she didn’t accept right away. It wasn’t a mystery that between her and House there was a great tension, everyone either expected her to fire him on the spot or to bend over for him. The thought of it made her feel uncomfortable and her stomach twisted in painful knots, so she quickly erased the image.
Wilson was convinced sooner or later his two best friends would catch up and get together, living some sort of fairytale. It wasn’t his fault for these thoughts. She was the one who stormed into his office, years ago, and told a stunned Wilson that she loved House. That she was convinced he was the love of her life.
Now, when the possibility of having the man she pined after for years presented itself, she wasn’t that sure about her feelings. She wasn’t convinced he was the love of her life. Actually, it was far more plausible she was going to destroy her entire existence.
She sighed loudly, a headache already buzzing behind her eyes. The crowd was suffocating and the only thing she wanted in that moment was to go home and hide under the blankets till the whole world disappeared and she was safe to go out without fear.
Lisa cursed House under her breath, it was his fault for making her feel this insecure about… Well, everything. She wasn’t like this, she never was, but now fear and despair seemed the only things that have accompanied her life in the last fourteen days.
“Dr. Cuddy? Is everything alright?” The sweet voice of Dr. Cameron brought her back to reality and a tentative hand gently caressed her shoulder. The brief touch made Lisa relax almost immediately, grounding her and allowing her brain to stop working too fast. Lisa was so worked up by her own thoughts, she didn’t realise her other employees left both of them behind, deciding to go and get coffee before their flight. She hoped no one, besides the young woman by her side, noticed her stressed and shaken state.
“Yes, Dr. Cameron. Thank you.” A small smile crept up from her lips. Cameron returned it, a glint of worry still lingered in her eyes, but didn’t question her boss further. Lisa felt another wave of gratefulness wash over her.
“Why don’t you sit and I go buy a cup of coffee?” Allison’s hand lingered softly on the small of her back and Lisa felt again out of breath. The warm palm of the woman barely touched her, but it was enough to make her skin tingle. It wasn’t an uncomfortable feeling, she noticed and it almost sent her spiraling again. Perhaps, a good cup of warm coffee was what she needed.
“Oh, yes. Thank you. That would be amazing.” Her face felt warm, her hands were trembling and not understanding why her body reacted like that terrified her. She always knew her feelings, always aware of herself. Too aware, sometimes, to the point that she was her worst enemy. Her own mind judging her, pushing her more towards what she considered perfection.
Now, her brain couldn’t come up with acceptable reasons or solutions, leaving her fighting against the waves of the rough ocean.
She pushed her thoughts away and attempted a smile. A wave of nausea hit her and the idea of coffee almost made her throw up on the spot, but she needed to be alone for two minutes, to collect herself without the feeling of Dr. Cameron’s hands on her overstimulated skin.
“Here, take the money.” She didn’t even remember taking her money from her wallet. Her heart beat spiked again, leaving her breathless.
“There’s no need.” Allison’s voice caressed her eardrums, her hand touched Lisa’s wrist in a feather light touch. Her skin reacted immediately, burning gloriously. Goosebumps trailed all over her body.
Lisa simply nodded, not trusting her voice. Her shoulders slumped when Cameron left her, her skin burned and ached for the loss of contact. A puff of air left her lips, trying to distract her mind from whatever weird conclusions she her subconscious was jumping at. This trip wasn’t starting as she expected. Another sigh left her lips as soon as she sat on the uncomfortable chair, the small luggage she bought with her, placed at her feet. The continuous buzz of the airport, now, felt more like a lullaby, compared to the twirling thoughts in her mind. She concentrated her attention on bits of conversations around her, coming up with entire stories about the people she saw and would never see again.
When Cameron came back with her black coffee for Lisa and a way too sugary beverage - that had nothing to do with coffee - for herself, she felt more calm and collected, the nausea had subsided. The younger woman smiled at her.
“Here’s your coffee. You look better.” Her head tilted to the side, a happy glint in her eyes. Lisa memorized the image of the young doctor, her brown locks framing her face beautifully. She looked a lot like a puppy, Lisa noted. A sweet and adorable puppy. As she acknowledged the thought, she felt her cheeks start to warm up.
“Uhm, yeah. Thank you.” Their fingers brushed faintly, but it was enough to make Lisa’s heart beat out of her chest. “I do feel better. I haven’t slept much, I’m sure it’s just fatigue.” She took a sip of her coffee, her eyes locked on Cameron’s face. The younger woman's lips curled around the straw as she took a sip of her own. Lisa coughed, suddenly overwhelmed by the sight in front of her.
“I’m not that young anymore, I can’t stay up like I used to without being kicked in the ass the next day.” She slightly laughed, but it wasn’t a lie. Not completely at least. She noticed how her body started to struggle to keep up with her packed up routine. She tried to ignore all the signs, but they were all splattered in front of her in clear light.
She hated it.
Her body, the one thing she cared for since her childhood, her sacred temple, was failing her. It felt worse than a betrayal.
“I don’t mean to be rude.” Cameron’s voice captured Lisa’s attention. Her delicate features were scrunched, her eyebrows frowned. “But you… Well, you are not as old as you think you are. The opposite actually.”
The coffee she was holding almost spilled with the force of her movements. It was endearing to see her so worked up for her, but she felt unusually fond of it.
“You are 33 at worst and you manage both your personal and work life in such an… Effortless way. You’re the best at what you do, you work hard and you never stop in front of challenges.”
Lisa felt her breathing becoming more laboured, but not the familiar and doubting feeling of panic that usually surged into her chest. She felt pleased, almost shy and she was sure a faint blush painted her cheeks. It was an unaccustomed event to receive such praises in her life that she didn’t know how to properly react. Even her body acted funny.
“Hell, you even manage to somewhat control House!” Lisa let out a puff of air at the vehemence of her employee. The doctor, usually put up and collected, at that point was almost shouting and all the people around them were looking at them quite weirded out. When Cameron noticed the attention she had involuntarily dragged onto her, blushed profusely.
Lisa thought she was cute.
Before she could even start to question her thoughts, Cameron cleared her voice, trying to regain composure. It was lovely to see her losing her control. Lisa almost wished to see her more like that.
“I admit I don’t always approve of your methods, but you manage an almost impossible job, so…” Cameron scrolled her shoulders and took a big gulp of the coffee she held tightly in her hands.
“Thank you for your words.” The older woman felt ashamed for being short of words. Compliments weren’t part of her life, have never been admittedly, especially in her family. Everything had to be in a certain way, everyone had to be perfect. Praises weren’t the norm, they were useless words for people who settled for the average. Or at least that’s what her parents thought. Their mentality was stuck on her and even away from them, her mind always made sure to scream at her that settling for less means settling for failure and that perfection is demanded and expected.
“I honestly don’t know what to say, you’re very kind.” She wiped the thoughts forming in her head and simply smiled at the woman who was already staring at her. “And I’m definitely older than 33, darling.”
Lisa looked at the younger woman and she almost thought she saw her cheeks take a deep pink colour, but she was quick to cover it. She probably simply imagined it.
“That’s absurd!”
Lisa simply laughed. “I’m almost 40, Dr. Cameron.”
The gasp that left the other woman’s mouth made Lisa laugh again. She was a good looking woman, she wasn’t going to pretend she wasn't, but it was nice to receive these reactions every once in a while.
“Oh wow. Oh my God, you look amazing.”
Lisa was sure at that point her cheeks were of an embarrassing bright red, if the warmth on her face was an indicator. She found herself again at a loss of words and a whirlwind of emotions she couldn’t decipher.
Her eyes were shiny because of unshed tears and she was almost ready to jump up and make a quick trip to the bathrooms to let her emotions out quickly and away from interlopers glances. But, as she lifted her head up, her eyes met Cameron’s and air left her lungs on the spot.
The woman looked breathtaking and her eyes shaded something that looked scarily like adoration. Her insides churned and twisted, leaving her completely breathless. She needed to tear her eyes away, run from her doe eyes and hide out of her sight.
No one ever looked at her with such intensity.
She needed to look away, but she actually didn’t want to. The clear blue eyes of the other woman caressed the glimpses of her soul, she felt undressed and fragile. But at the same time empowered and protected.
Cameron wasn’t like the men she let near herself. They wanted her skin, maybe her mind. No one cared for her emotions, what was really inside. Too broken, they told her. Too complicated, some others affirmed. Too insecure, the ones who she trusted would also say.
Nobody had the patience to appreciate her and look at her like she was something valuable, precious. Worth fighting for.
And now, a woman she barely knew, witty and beautiful in equal measure, actually looked at her. Took the trouble to see through and appeared to… Not hate the view.
The voice in her head told her to run away. Hide, vanish forever from the face of earth, let everyone lose trace of her. But she also wasn’t a runner, she was rational and very little times she let her emotions lead the way.
She felt conflicted and lost in concepts that never in her life she thought she would consider.
Cameron, Lisa noticed, seemed to be in a very similar situation and, somehow, it helped her calm herself down.
As she was about to speak, a voice announced their flight.
Like awaken from a dream, she almost lost traces of the blissful moments she just lived. She collected her things in silence, Cameron seemed to not be in the mood for a talk and she respected it. It was, in truth, extremely relaxing. They walked to the gate, followed by the chatter of their colleagues who didn’t seem to notice the peculiar behaviour of their boss.
Lisa, in the silence of her mind, tried to grasp at the thoughts and feelings stashed deeply in her heart, but they appeared to vanish anytime she came close to what resembled a conclusion. Sitting down, she closed her eyes.
She knew what she felt. Deep down she knew. And maybe, it wasn’t her feelings running away, keeping her far from the truth.
Maybe it was her racing down the road, escaping the truth of those feelings concealed.
*
Allison was beaming with excitement.
She barely slept the night before trying to close her luggage that was probably overpacked for a four day trip, which was also supposed to be a work trip, but even trying to choose a handful of her clothes felt like a betrayal.
It wasn't her fault she loved shopping for eventual vacations she ended up never taking. Now, it was only fair if she brought with herself at least double the outfits she might need.
With a skip in her step she arrived at the airport and was immediately swallowed by the immense crowd that populated the building. The atmosphere reminded her of the last trip she took as a teen, full of dreams and a lot more naive. Sometimes she missed that version of herself, but she would never trade the growth she went through with anything at all. Her mistakes, her accomplishments, her disappointments, shaped her into who she was now and she loved herself, despite anyone's opinion.
Her colleagues, or her boss perhaps, looked at her like she was a lost puppy who was unable to make hard choices. Some of them, in whispered gossip, thought she maybe shouldn't be a doctor. Perhaps, an easier and less challenging career would suit her better.
It was hard to not let the comments get to her, she was still a human being with feelings, but she managed.
The sight of a familiar figure brought her back to reality and the soft murmur of the background came all crashing back to her.
Dr. Cuddy was a few steps ahead of her with other colleagues, but she didn't even seem to acknowledge them. She looked rather troubled in the past days, making Allison feel concerned for the woman who always looked like she had the weight of the whole world on her shoulders.
Allison greeted her colleagues as she approached them, the corner of her eye still fixed on the other woman who didn't even realize she was there. It was a worrying behaviour but intruding didn't seem quite right. They weren't close after all even though she often wished they were. The older woman was her greatest inspiration, after all.
“Gonna go get coffee. Everyone's coming?” Allison watched as the other doctors all left for the overflowed of people and suitcases without paying a second thought to their boss. She looked at her, eyebrows frown, her eyes weren't of their usual colour. They were vacant, dull, it gave her chills behind her back. Her chest was following an erratic pace.
Dr. Cuddy was in front of her, but she was lost, somewhere far, somewhere cruel. Allison's insides swirled uncomfortably, a wave of nausea hit her.
Allison didn't even think twice. The only thing she could do was ground the woman, bring her back to reality and make her calm down before she broke down in front of everyone. She may not know the woman that well, but she knew for sure she would hate to be seen as weak. Nothing in her screamed weak, she only saw beauty and abundance of audacity and courage. But that was only her opinion.
“Dr. Cuddy? Is everything alright?” She spoke softly to not startle the woman and, on instinct, her hand reached her shoulder in a soft touch. Her finger slightly touched her bare skin while she saw the woman return back to reality and stifle a shiver, and she felt on fire.
“Yes, Dr. Cameron. Thank you.” A small smile erupted from the woman’s full lips and that single action made her belly tingle pleasantly.
Allison ignored, not without effort, her bodily reactions and schooled her expression, that was contorted into a surprised look, into a faint smile meant to be comforting. The woman’s shoulders relaxed under her touch and a wave of relief washed over her, worry still lingered in her chest. She tried to hide it, but she knew the emotion was still splattered over her face.
She wanted to ask what was wrong, how to help the woman and make her feel fine again. It was a pain to see her distressed and, although she acted as everything was normal, Allison could see through the act. The woman was a great mystery, nobody knew anything about her besides the many rumors that filled the halls of the hospital, but she also felt like she knew her somehow.
Cuddy wasn’t giving orders nor taking control over everyone’s actions. She was silent, oddly so, distant and preoccupied. She was the type of woman who knew better than showing her real, raw feelings, always caged in a self made fortress, in control of what to show on her face and make pretend in front of her employees.
She knew, though, that asking was out of the picture. It wasn’t the right time, the right place and, in the end, they weren’t as close as she wished they were. Inquiring was the way to lead Cuddy further.
So, she swallowed all the questions seated on the tip of her tongue and played it safe, deciding that giving her space was the right thing to do at the moment.
“Why don’t you sit while I go buy a cup of coffee?” Her hand involuntarily fell on the small of Cuddy’s back, just above her behind. Allison kept smiling at the woman, ignoring what that single thought made her feel. A sting of pride hit her when she noticed a faint blush covering the woman’s cheeks.
She watched her boss closely and her heart broke at how lost she looked. Allison could almost see her trying to catch her feelings, running after them with no avail. The struggle looked so familiar, her own anxieties now ghastly the woman in front of her and she felt helpless. It shattered something deep inside of the brunette, leaving a bitter taste in her mouth.
Perhaps a coffee could help her too.
“Here, take my money.” A 10 dollar bill entered her field of vision. Allison blinked two, three times, to return back into herself.
Before she could stop, her hand touched her boss’ wrist. The rushed heartbeat thrummed under her finger tips. In the back of her mind, a voice she decided to not pay attention to, wished that she could cause that kind of reaction. The smile she was so good at keeping, even under the pressure of the moment, almost faltered.
“There’s no need.”
Allison spoke softly to not overstimulate further the still visibly shaking woman and left shortly after, not trusting herself. Her thoughts make her dizzy with confusion as she realised a part of her wished to kiss those lips.
The thought almost sent her spiraling in front of the two dozens of customers stashed into the room.
“Good morning, Miss. What would you like to order?” The deep voice of the barista snapped her out of her head. She never felt more grateful in her life.
She quickly ordered a black coffee for Cuddy and a way too sweet mixture for her. She didn’t enjoy sugary treats, but she could make an exception for that morning. Maybe she could skip a couple of meals to stay on track with her diet. Even go for a run, if the weather was nice enough.
Absent-mindedly she paid for the two coffees and walked back to her boss who looked a lot calmer compared to when she left her.
The breathing was back to normal and the crease between her brows was now smooth. Seeing her back to what resembled normality, the knot of anxiety settled in her chest, untied and dissipated.
“Here’s your coffee. You look better.” Cuddy’s eyes shone at the mere sight of her. The feeling was both intoxicating and dreadful. Having thoughts of this entity for a woman, her boss no less, was wrong. She was just projecting her admiration and making things up, that was it.
Loving women, as a woman, wasn't wrong per se. The problem was if she liked women. She couldn't. How could she? Since she was little she dreamed about a family, a husband, a house of her own, children too, if both parties wanted. That was how it was supposed to be. Other relationships prospects weren't on the table.
Being queer was normal and accepted. But somehow, for her, it didn't apply. It was normal when it happened to others, but it couldn't happen to her.
“Uhm, yeah. Thank you.” The breathy voice reached her, even if distant and snapped her out of whatever thoughts she was having.
It was absurd. All of that, just because her boss - her boss - was having a rough morning. She needed that trip more than anything, she needed to calm down. Working with House made her paranoid and more keen to spiral into madness. Because those thoughts were complete madness.
Of course she wasn't queer. She loved the male attention, she always fell in love with men. It made no sense.
It made no sense the shiver that ran through her spine as their fingers brushed together, too. A faint blush coloured her cheeks for the umteenth time that morning.
Being in House's team screwed her up. She was going crazy. She needed a drink. A strong one too.
“I do feel better. I haven’t slept much, I’m sure it’s just fatigue.” Allison watched her take a sip of her coffee, her movements elegant and precise. She felt out of place, around her. Elegance and precision weren't part of her life, she was messy and she could only pretend to have her grace, but it was all a facade. Envy wasn't a feeling she indulged into, quite the opposite in fact, but around the older woman, she always had this burning desire to be like her.
Maybe if she tried harder to please her, to be like her, they would eventually grow closer. Distracted, she almost forgot about the coffee getting colder in her hand. She took a tentative sip of the beverage, her lips curled around the straw. Overwhelmed by the sweet taste of the coffee she didn't even notice Cuddy's reaction.
“I’m not that young anymore, I can’t stay up like I used to without being kicked in the ass the next day.” Allison's ears registered the words her boss uttered and almost spat out the remaining drops of sweet treat in her mouth.
Not that young.
Of course she was young. Nobody in the hospital really knew her age, besides House and Wilson obviously, but she couldn't imagine her being that much older than her. It was no secret she was a beautiful and attractive woman. When she walked down the hallways, all the eyes were on her. The confidence she oozed was… Infectious.
Light, she was light and everyone around her were sunflowers faced towards her at all times, yearning for her warmth.
“I don’t mean to be rude.” Her voice erupted before she could even collect all her thoughts. She needed Cuddy to understand that she was, well, incredible. Despite whatever she thought of herself. “But you… Well, you are not as old as you think you are. The opposite actually.”
Thoughts and words mingled and slipped away from her grasp, making it harder to express quite easy concepts. However, she hoped her intentions were clear enough to understand what she actually meant.
“You are 33 at worst and you manage both your personal and work life in such an… Effortless way. You’re the best at what you do, you work hard and you never stop in front of challenges.”
A breath almost got stuck in her throat when she noticed the firm gaze of the older woman on her. It was intense, keeping a hold on her and making it hard for Allison to breathe. It made her heart beat faster. A thick heath spread in her belly. Subconsciously she squeezed her thighs together, a shiver ran down her back. She didn’t want to acknowledge the meaning of all these sensations, she couldn’t.
The coffee in her hand became incredibly interesting.
“You are 33 at worst and you manage both your personal and work life in such an… Effortless way. You’re the best at what you do, you work hard and you never stop in front of challenges.”
The blush on Cuddy’s cheeks gave her a sense of pride that grew in her chest, almost impossibly so.
“Hell, you even manage to somewhat control House!”
Between all the tasks Cuddy managed, having a hold on House was the one she admired of her the most. She worked for him and she was always on the verge of a breakdown in his presence. He was an undoubtedly attractive man, but he was difficult and problematic. It was dreadful, she would’ve succumbed to madness long ago, but she raised above it, above all his shenanigans and handled it with elegance.
“I admit I don’t always approve of your methods, but you manage an almost impossible job, so…” She took a gulp of coffee and scrolled her shoulders, feeling a bit shy after all the words that left her mouth. It was the longest they ever interacted and she suddenly felt the need to talk to her everyday, even for the silliest of things. Just to be around her.
“Thank you for your words.” Allison nodded, as she acknowledged the response. It was obvious Cuddy was feeling embarrassed and at loss for words. She didn't mind though. Actually, she thought it was cute to see her like this. It almost made her giggle, never thought in her life she would describe her boss as ‘cute’.
“I honestly don’t know what to say, you’re very kind.”
Allison never thought she was a girl who could appreciate praise that much, but now, the tiniest appreciation from the older woman made her stomach flutter. If it was possible, she was sure she would be flying through the airport. “And I’m definitely older than 33, darling.”
Before she could register the new information, a rush of blood ran through her body. The per name that her mother used at all times and made her groan in distaste, used by the woman in front of her made her wish she could hear it everyday.
“That’s absurd!” She was aware her voice sounded more like a pathetic squeak, but seeing Cuddy laugh because of it, made it all worth it. It caught her off guard how her eyes, whenever she was in the presence of curly haired woman, never left her slender figure, discovering every time a new detail about her that she cherished in her memory.
“I’m almost 40, Dr. Cameron.”
If her jaw wasn't attached to her face, it would've probably fallen to the floor. Never in her wildest dreams she would've thought Dr. Cuddy was, apparently, almost in her 40s. Her laugh caressed her eardrums and it was such a shame she didn't often. It was the most beautiful sound Allison ever heard and it made her impossibly giddy knowing she was the cause of that laugh.
“Oh wow. Oh my God, you look amazing.”
The woman's cheeks became red for embarrassment and Allison found herself being enchanted by the view. She couldn't stop looking at her, not even when her big blue eyes met hers, leaving Allison short of breath.
She could see the multitudes of feelings rushing in Cuddy's eyes, the confusion swirling right beneath the surface, a silent question that probably neither of them were able to answer quite yet. Allison, quite opposite to what she expected, didn't mind the contact, didn't mind finally being seen by someone. Those two piercing eyes were burning holes in her mind, reaching her soul and she fell right into them. She couldn't avoid it, it was like a siren’s voice calling her, chanting her into the abyss.
Cuddy, however, was almost back into her fight or flight mode. She was stuck, split between the need to leave and the want of staying. Allison could see it, could feel it. In her bones.
And then, as if nothing happened, the bubble bursts open. The call for their flight interrupted their moment and Allison almost wished someone would simply forget about it. She wanted to remain there, stuck in that fragment of reality where no one existed but them.
Fear was gnawing at her insides, but also an unknown desire she never knew she had.
Without uttering a word, they collected their things.
Their minds were in two different dimensions. The crushing weight on her chest was accompanied by the fluttering of her heart.
It was beautiful and it was terrifying. Her body reacted against everything she ever believed in, everything she knew for a fact was what defined her. Her mind chanted over and over that she liked men, she could only love men. What happened was just a moment of fragility. She just hasn't had a partner in a long time. It was her mind playing tricks on her.
But the faintest of voices was telling a completely different story. And Allison knew only one of the two parties was telling the truth, but she couldn't accept it.
All her certainties were falling to the ground or half destroyed by the beautiful woman seated two rows in front of her.