Chapter Text
“You’re here.”
{Iwa-chan.}
Oikawa’s voice sounds nothing like his own. It’s flat, absolutely no emotion in it. It sounds like Oikawa looks. Iwaizumi had thought that Oikawa had looked bad on the night of the spring high defeat, he realises that it was nothing compared to how he looks now. At least then Oikawa had been himself, Iwaizumi isn’t sure if he even knows the person standing in front of him.
“Yes, I’m here. That’s want you wanted after all.” He forces his voice not to shake, praying for Oikawa to say something, anything. But the former captain remains silent, eyes glazed, staring at Iwaizumi but not really seeing him. Iwaizumi shoulders past him into his room, if only to give himself something else to concentrate on something other than his (former) best friend.
He pulls Oikawa in after him and shuts the door. The room is silent and dark. The bed is messy, slept in and unmade, and a few t-shirts decorate the floor. Iwaizumi remembers Oikawa’s old bedroom, how everything always had a place and as soon as he was up he made his bed. The more he sees, the tighter the knot in his chest becomes.
Oikawa is still standing in just inside the room, staring as if the wall is the most interesting thing he has ever seen.
{Iwa-chan I...}
“Oikawa.” Iwaizumi snaps his fingers in front of Oikawa’s face but Oikawa doesn’t even blink. Iwaizumi’s heart is sinking with every second that passes by that Oikawa doesn’t respond.
“Tooru!” Iwaizumi voice is desperate and he’s considering shaking Oikawa at this point. Some part of him foolishly hopes that it’s a pretense, a game, and any moment Oikawa will give a smug grin and laugh that he “fooled him good didn’t he?” But Oikawa’s face remains blank, devoid of anything recognisable as himself. Iwaizumi is just about to consider dumping a glass of cold water on Oikawa, he’s that desperate, when a voice shatters the silence.
{I miss you.}
“Why are you here?” Oikawa’s voice is soft and cold. He doesn’t look at Iwaizumi, doesn’t even so much as bat an eyelash, but Iwaizumi can still feel the ghost of Oikawa’s gaze on him. It scrutinizes him, sharp and disappointing, as if it has weighed him and found him lacking.
“I don’t want you here.” Oikawa continues, harsher. “I didn’t ever want to see you again.” Oikawa whips around to face him, and the utter loathing in his gaze makes Iwaizumi physically stagger backwards.
“But .. but .. I thought-” Iwaizumi stumbles over the words, confusion making his tongue heavy in his mouth. His thoughts whirl around in a incoherent flurry.
“You thought wrong.” Oikawa snaps, “Wasn’t the lack of communication clear enough Iwa-chan.”
The use of his old pet name makes Iwaizumi’s head spin, he’s never seen Oikawa like this, so cold, so unfeeling. It’s completely at odds with the Oikawa he knew, even more so at odds with the Oikawa of the voicemail.
{I just miss you so much.}
The silence is suffocating. Iwaizumi feels like the air has been snatched from his lungs and his head is spinning, Oikawa’s voicemail mingling with what he has just said, creating a dizzying mix. Oikawa is glaring at him as if he can make him disappear, by making Iwaizumi wish he was anywhere other than here.
“Leave, now.” Oikawa bites at him. “Don’t try to contact me ever again.”
Numbly, Iwaizumi stumbles towards the door, even though every part of him is screaming that he needs to stay. He’s just about to reach for the doorknob and open it to leave when a sharp knock sounds.
“Oikawa-san.” A matronly woman’s voice calls and Oikawa blanches. A brief flash of fear appears on his face, before he’s smiling, calm and collected once more. Shoving Iwaizumi behind the door, he opens it, familiar charming veneer firmly in place.
“Hiromada-san! Good morning.” Oikawa chirps, as if butter wouldn’t melt in his mouth. Iwaizumi watches the whole exchange through the crack between the door hinges, worry slowly filling his veins
“Good morning. Will you be attending any of your lectures today Oikawa-san?”
“Aaah, no, I won’t be. I’m so sorry Hiromada-san!”
“Are you still not well?”
“No, unfortunately not. I’m so sorry, I do hate missing class.”
Oikawa coughs loudly and deliberately into his elbow, a forced rough hacking sound.
“It will be four days now, maybe you should go see a doctor Oikawa-san. I can book one for you if you would like?”
“No, no! I wouldn’t want to trouble you like that! I’m sure it’s just a bug going around.”
If you’re sure Oikawa-san, it is really no trouble at all.”
“No, it’s fine! I’ll be fine by Monday, Hiromada-san, I’m sure. I just need a good rest, that’s all.”
“Well, I trust your judgement Oikawa-san. If you are no better by Monday I will book an appointment though. Also your professor told me you have a paper due tomorrow”
“How kind of you Hiromada-san! But I don’t think you will need to, by Monday I promise I will absolutely fine. Tell Takeda Sensei the paper is a good as his. Have a nice day Hiromada-san!”
{I don’t know what to do}
Oikawa closes the door, smile slipping from his face as soon as the lock clicks into place. He slumps against the door, eyes closing, face twisted in an anguished expression, seemingly forgetting Iwaizumi is here. A heavy sigh escapes Oikawa lips and Iwaizumi watches as the energy fades from his body. Iwaizumi can hold his tongue no longer, the worry and concern weighing on him to heavily for him not to speak.
“What’s wrong Oikawa?” He questions, hoping for a straight answer. No such luck.
“What do you care?! You gave up on me. You abandoned me!” Oikawa’s voice is cruel and sharp, a blade that cuts Iwaizumi to the core. He opens his mouth, but no words come out. Oikawa slides further down the door, the expression on his face one of tired defeat.
“Why, why on earth are you here?” Oikawa’s voice is plainer, but it still cuts the same, widening the wound. “Why would you come, if not to hurt me more?” The honesty in his voice rubs Iwaizumi raw.
“You abandoned me Iwaizumi. You left me alone.” Each sentence is a new dagger in Iwaizumi’s heart, each cut filling with heavy guilt.
“So forgive me if I don’t want you here, if I don’t want to ever see or talk to you again.” Oikawa tilts his head back against the wood of the door.
“Forgive me if I don’t forgive you. Betrayal hurts, Iwaizumi, it hurts a lot.“ The use of his name is a slap in the face, a cruel reminder of the distance between them, and how much bigger it is than he had thought.
{I need you here Iwa-chan.}
“I came-” He pauses, a shaky breath taken. “I came because you asked me to.” Oikawa doesn’t react to that, his eyes remaining as closed as his expression.
“But …” Another gasping breath interrupts him, and Iwaizumi can’t be bothered to take the time to collect himself before he continues. “But I’ll go, I’ll go if you really want me to. I’ll go if that’s what’s best for you.“ The brief silence chokes him.
“What do you care?” Oikawa’s eyes open and he glances at him but his expression is no more readable than it was before. “What do you care what’s best for me?”
Iwaizumi blinks, the torrent of emotion going through him summed up by stunned confusion. He’s about 3 seconds away from screaming or God knows what.
“What. Do. You. Mean. What. Do. I. Care.” He sputters, the transparent emotions barely contained. “I’m in fucking Tokyo, 2 and a half hours away from where I’m meant to be. I have 4 classes today among other plans and I drop everything and come to see you because you ring in the middle of the night and leave me a voicemail that’s real fucking concerning. And you have the audacity to ask what do I care.” Iwaizumi’s breathing is harsh, ragged, and he feels a fire of rage burning through his veins, the worry igniting like gasoline. “Now stop playing and tell me what’s wrong Oikawa.”
Oikawa turns away from him and closes his eyes again, silent. Iwaizumi can’t tell anything from his expression and it annoys the hell out of him. It’s just another reminder of the fact there is a space between them, a bridge burnt that Iwaizumi didn’t even care enough to notice and try put it out. The silence stretches between them, full of something but Iwaizumi will be damned to hell before he can figure it out.
“What did it say?” Oikawa’s voice is a knife that slices through the silence, but strangely enough it doesn’t cut him. It grazes by Iwaizumi, a shiver of curiosity. The question puzzles him.
“Huh?”
“The voicemail .. What did it say?”
“.... You don’t remember?”
“No.” It’s only a word but for Iwaizumi it means a piece of the puzzle can be clicked into place, but Iwaizumi isn’t sure if he’ll like the picture at the end.
{Please.}
He pauses considering, then
“I’ll tell you, but only if you tell me what’s going. Why you’ve missed four days of Uni.” Oikawa’s eyes snap to him, wide and opened like a book, the surprise in them laced with utter terror and a touch of want.
“O-o-okay. F-fine. Whatever.” he replies, a pitiful attempt to snap, the fear making Oikawa’s words stammer. Oikawa’s eyes lower shut but his face remains painfully open as tears begin to trace silver lines down his cheeks, his shoulders shaking in time with his shuddering breaths.
And so it comes pouring out, words spilling from Oikawa’s lips like the tears that run a constant stream down his cheeks. Puzzle pieces, one by one, click into place, leaving Iwaizumi staring at a picture that ignites something deep within him. He wants to break the puzzle up into a thousand pieces and burn it.
“I-I didn’t really make friends with anyone. I was friendly with my classmates and they were too but I was always an outsider looking in.” Oikawa starts, words trembling.
“I spent my time alone, in here, or out. No one ever bothered to try and know me. And maybe I would have been fine with that, but everything else began to crumble around me.”
Iwaizumi’s heart wrenches, emotions tumbling through him.
“Everyone in Miyagi - back home - just stop bothering with me. No one called and texts petered out. I just stopped trying after a while, figured no one cared.” Oikawa’s voice cracks on the last sentence, shattering any illusion he was trying to create of nonchalance.
"I felt alone, so very small and alone. Isolated, my own private island. And I was drifting away from everything I knew, and-and loved.” Iwaizumi almost wants to cover his ears, stop the words and stop that broken voice, but he can’t keep himself from listening.
“But it was okay. I was managing. I had my degree and I somehow had a girlfriend too. I was working too. And there was volleyball as well. It was bearable, it was enough.” Iwaizumi can feel the worst is yet to come and he wants to go back in time and slap sense into his old self, change the past so he doesn't have to hear this, doesn't have to be here. Oikawa continues, unable to stop the stream of words from his mouth.
“But lessons became so hard to keep up with, I couldn’t understand my notes and I was slipping. Then, a p-paper came back and I had f-failed. I just didn’t know how to feel. The one thing I was here for, I’d just failed. It started the downward spiral I think. Everything got so much harder after that.”
“I stopped going into work, I couldn’t handle the hours upon hours of mind numbing tasks. And I started to skip classes sometimes, here and there, not enough to matter but enough to make me question if it was worth it, if anything was worth it.” Oikawa delivers each sentence with finality now, like a criminal pleading guilty to his crimes.
“I avoided my girlfriend, without even meaning to, really. I made her hate me.” Iwaizumi wants to snap that this “girlfriend” didn’t seem to care much about him so why feel guilty but he keeps quiet.
“The only thing I didn’t abandon was volleyball. Even after I got fired. Even after she dumped me, saying I didn’t care about her or her feelings, which I guess was true. I didn’t really care about my own feelings by that point, I still went to volleyball. It made me lose my cares. I felt alive again, if only for an hour, on that court. When the ball was in motion the world stopped, nothing else mattered.” Iwaizumi wants to move and cover Oikawa’s mouth so he can’t hammer the last nail in the coffin, but he’s rooted to the spot.
“I became reckless, I pushed myself so hard just to stay on that court until the very end. On Sunday it all caught up with me. I was playing and I-I did a jump serve, I put so much power into that jump, and when I landed I just collapsed. My legs gave out beneath me, and when I tried to get up I couldn’t. My right knee was in agony and my left one was throbbing too.” The words are almost indecipherable, Oikawa’s voice racked by sobs that shake his entire being to the core, Iwaizumi only now noticing the thick white bandage wrapped around his right knee.
“A month, at the least, before I could go back on court. And three at the most.” Iwaizumi can feel the sheer pain in his voice.
“Sunday, sunday night was when nothing mattered anymore. No energy, no emotion, nothing. I was, am, so empty.” Oikawa dissolves, right before Iwaizumi’s eyes. His breath harsh, jagged, his body shaking and his face. His face is a twisted tearful mess, anguish and desolation mixed in with the trails of tears that litter his cheeks. Worst still is the sharp words escaping his mouth, and endless tirade of hate and loathing directed at himself. Bitter words reach Iwaizumi’s ears sporadically, snippets here and there.
“Useless. Worthless. Selfish. Arrogant. Complete idiot. Burden. Uncaring. Callous. Cruel.” The words dance in Iwaizumi’s brain, slowly filling him with something. Then
“I’m so sorry Iwaizumi, I wasn’t enough. I never was, I never will be, there no point in trying anymore. No point to me even existing.”
Iwaizumi’s blood is a dull roar in his ear as the invisible binds holding him in place shatter. He drops before Oikawa faster than he can think. He looks into his best friends face even though it breaks him over and over again, each second he looks worse than the last.
Iwaizumi cups Oikawa’s face in his hands, thumbs wiping away the tears staining his cheeks. “You’re enough Tooru. I promise you’re enough.”
“Are you sure Iwa-chan? Look at me, I’m-”
“Don’t start. Don’t you dare.” Iwaizumi interrupts. “You’ve always been enough Tooru.”
“But-”
“Hush. Don’t argue.” Iwaizumi brings his face in closer, gazing directly into Oikawa’s brown eyes. “You are enough. You always have been and you always will be enough to me. Don’t let anyone else tell you any different Tooru.” Iwaizumi’s heart feels like it’s stopped beating and his blood pounds in his ears.
“You are more than enough, for me, for anyone. And that will never, ever, change, no matter what. I will say it a thousand more times until you believe it. I will say it forever, if it means you don’t ever forget. Even if I have to remind you everyday, I will, because it will always be true.”
Oikawa looks up at him, eyes shining with hope and the tears that still spill down his cheeks.
“You.. you really mean that?” It’s a whisper that Iwaizumi barely hears over the harsh breathing in the quiet dark room.
“Of course I do Tooru. I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t” Iwaizumi holds his breath, counting his heartbeat, waiting.
“Then why did you leave? Why did you abandon me Iwa-chan?” The cracks in his voice make a sharp pain in Iwaizumi’s chest, and the question squeezes air from his lungs. He feels the words heavy on his tongue, unsure if he wants to say them but one glance at Oikawa’s face has them tumbling off his tongue in stilted breaths.
“I .. I was .. I was scared. I .. didn’t know how I was feeling and .. I .. just .. didn’t want to lose you.” It sounds so weak once it’s left his mouth, especially since Iwaizumi almost lost Oikawa anyway. The pause is stiff and Iwaizumi wants to disappear.
Oikawa is considering, Iwaizumi can see him turning over everything in his eyes. It gives him the same feeling it did so many months ago, only this time there is no chance of brushing it off, not that he would want to anyway. Still the question is startling.
“What do you mean you didn’t know how you were feeling?” The question is tentative but blunt.
The breath catches in his throat and he can’t look at Oikawa. He knows honesty is the best in this situation but he can’t help that flash of anxiety that accompanies his reply.
“I- You- After that night, I .. was .. confused. About- about how I was feeling .. about you.” The last part is whispered, a reluctant addition.
Oikawa’s expression moves so suddenly, one moment devastated, the next hope written all over his face. His eyes are light and dark at once, ensnaring Iwaizumi so he can’t look away.
“And these feelings .. towards me. What were they?” Oikawa’s voice is low and dark, Iwaizumi’s pulse bites at his neck and he’s on the verge of losing control of his breathing. Somehow, he manages to form a response.
“I uh, I don’t really know .. to be exact.” Iwaizumi swears he stops breathing.
A pair of umber eyes beneath hooded eyelids watch him, urging him to continue, to speak and tear down the wall hanging between them. Only because of that does Iwaizumi manage to continue.
“I .. uh .. I thought- I think that, that I .. I might .. maybe .. kind of .. possibly .. slightly .. have some sort of,” Iwaizumi draws the sentence out for as long as possible, adding words and pauses to delay the sinking feeling rising within him. But eventually he knows has to finish the sentence and face the judgement presented to him by two brown eyes lined with tired bruises and the glisten of drying tears. “.. ro-romantic .. inclinations .. towards .... you.”
The finality of the sentence hits him and a pause hangs heavy the air. Iwaizumi closes his eyes, unable to face the look of disgust that will surely be etched onto his as-of-his-confession former best friend. Instead the back of his eyelids begins to burn as the seconds stretch out longer. Iwaizumi dares risk a glance, eyes slivering open, just in time to see Oikawa pull him forward, hands grasping at his arms with fierce need.
Oikawa’s lips collide with his own, too impossibly soft for the force of the impact. Iwaizumi clings to Oikawa, matching his desperation with his own. Oikawa’s hands slide up, one cupping his face and the other tangling into his short hair. Iwaizumi breath has disappeared and all he can feel is Oikawa’s mouth move against his own.
It’s a want, a need, he didn’t know he had. Oikawa pushes into the kiss with a sense of longing for more, as if he had wanted this for a while and needed more to remind him it was really, finally, happening.
His fingers brush over Oikawa’s cheek, fingertips touching the very ends of his hair, soft skin and even softer hair. He slides a hand through Oikawa’s locks, not realising how much he had wanted to until he was doing it, fingers tightening around the silken brown strands, pulling Oikawa closer still.
They pull apart only enough for for there to be space to breath, Oikawa’s hands holding Iwaizumi in place. Iwaizumi’s words stick in throat and his breath stutters.
“Hajime..” On Oikawa’s lips his name sounds like a prayer.
Oikawa gazes at him, his eyes open and vulnerable, cheeks flushed and his hands clinging to Iwaizumi’s arms fiercely.
“Will you stay with me?”Oikawa’s voice is whisper soft, cracked with quiet desperation.
The question is simple, but Iwaizumi hears a hidden note to it, an underlying ask of something more.
“ .. Of course I will Tooru. I’ll always stay with you. I’m .. I’m not leaving you again.” His voice shakes, the final sentence delivered in a rushed breath.
Uncertain if he had said the right thing, Iwaizumi’s breath catches in his throat. But a small smile tilts Oikawa’s lips and his eyes light with hope, quelling his doubt.
----
And so, they end as it had all begun so long ago, lying facing each other on Oikawa’s bed.
There are no glow-in-the-dark stars for Iwaizumi to gaze at, but Iwaizumi couldn’t care less. He feels as if everything has slid into place, as if the puzzle has given him a picture he didn’t know he needed, but now he can’t see it being any other way.
Iwaizumi feels his heart sped up a little and his cheeks flush, as Oikawa takes his hand that lies between them and links it with his own. Oikawa looks at him, eyelids lowered and eyes dark. Sleep is slowly pulling him into unconsciousness and his face still bears the remnants of his earlier tears but Iwaizumi thinks he’s never looked so beautiful. Iwaizumi leans forward and leaves a light kiss on Oikawa’s lips. Oikawa’s lips curve into a smile beneath his own and when he pulls back Iwaizumi doesn’t think he’s ever seen Oikawa look so happy or at peace.
“You didn’t tell me the voicemail.” Oikawa’s voice is softened with sleep, a childlike quality to it. A smile forms on Iwaizumi’s lips.
“Tomorrow.” He replies, because they do have tomorrow, and the next and the next. They have every day they need to figure this out, to figure out what they are, to figure out Oikawa’s mind. To fix things between them, to get Oikawa back on his feet.
Iwaizumi and Oikaw-no,Tooru have all the time in the world.
As sleep drags his eyelids close, Iwaizumi amends the thought he had so long ago. He wouldn’t do anything for Oikawa to feel the brief peace of sleep. He would do anything for Oikawa to be happy. Anything at all to never ever see such an devastated and broken expression grace his face again.
Iwaizumi would do anything for Oikawa.
Anything and Everything.