Chapter Text
(Josh’s POV)
Harry had been… off, for weeks now.
Well, more off than normal.
Ever since he permanently moved to London months ago, really.
As a collective they’d all tried their best to look out for him, to make it clear that he could go to them for anything should he need something. After all, he was only a kid, a kid that they loved dearly. The little brother that they never had.
He was seventeen.
He was a kid. He was only a kid.
Having previously known Harry exclusively online, they had all been used to this loud and exciteable figure who threw chairs and controllers around the room and screamed at the top of his lungs – they had all been in for a shock when, in person, Harry was the complete opposite.
He was quieter in person, much quieter than they’d originally thought. He was soft spoken and willing to stay in the shadows until someone shone a light on him or pulled him out and into the light. They all pulled him out of the dark sooner or later – if Ethan didn’t get there first, that was.
When it came to Harry Lewis, Ethan Payne was the first one there, the first one available, and dropped everything to help him. Always.
It appeared to Josh that Ethan, despite having his own personal issues, would lay down his life for Harry in a heartbeat. Secretly, Josh thought that having Harry around was good for Ethan; if he wanted to be around to help Harry and to look after him, then he had to be in good health himself. He couldn’t drink himself into a stupor every night. He couldn’t keep eating food that didn’t do his body any good. He had to look after himself properly, and already Josh was beginning to see a positive change in Ethan.
He was more alert than he’d ever been, he ate healthy options, and he went to sleep at a reasonable hour.
Progress. Ethan’s making progress.
But back to Harry.
There had been a day a few weeks ago when Harry failed to turn up for a shoot. Initially they hadn’t been too worried – the lad had a knack for arriving a few minutes later – however when it drew close to half an hour, then forty minutes, without a word from Harry himself, the worry began to set in.
‘Anything?’ Josh asked the group, all of them on their phones, texting and calling people around their circle about Harry’s whereabouts.
(Harry wasn’t answering. Neither were the Cals).
‘Nothing,’ Vik muttered. 'You don't think something has happened to them, do you?' he asked, worrying his bottom lip.
Then, out of the blue, Josh’s phone began to ring. Freezy. He rushed to answer it. ‘Hello,’ Josh said quickly. ‘I don’t suppose you know where Harry is, do you? He hasn’t turned up for filming and we can’t get a hold of him.’
‘That’s what I was calling you about,’ Freezy said, something strange in his voice that made Josh pause for a moment. ‘He isn’t well, mate. He’s not well at all.’
‘Is he okay?’
‘He’s been up all night shaking,’ Freezy told him. ‘He’s got a migraine, and the lad won’t stop crying. He’s… he’s in a right state,’ Freezy finished.
Josh pretended he didn’t hear the wobble to the other man’s voice.
‘Alright, tell him not to worry, yeah?' Josh replied. 'Get him to rest and feel better.’
‘Will do, mate,’ Freezy said. He sounded like he was a million miles away.
‘Look after him,’ Josh all but begged. ‘Please keep an eye on him. Keep him safe.’
‘We always do,’ Freezy said softly, the most gentle Josh had ever heard him speak.
Maybe it’s just something about Harry that makes us all gentle.
The call ended, and they filmed the video one man down. Ethan had fretted, all but ready to head over to the flat and see Harry – until Josh eased him out of it, telling Ethan to give the lad some space.
‘I know for a fact if I was as sick as Cal says Harry is, I’d want to be left alone.’
‘What if he needs something?’ Ethan asked, a little rough around the edges, a little defensive. Protective.
‘The Cals are there,’ Josh said. ‘They’re gonna look after him, okay?’
‘Fine.’
After the event, a few days later, Harry returned to filming like nothing happened, but Josh knew better. They all knew better. The lad was quieter than he'd ever been.
Josh had originally put it down to being sick. He had put it down the aftermath of an illness that he was still trying to get over.
Now he wasn’t quite so sure.
It wasn’t Harry’s quietness that unsettled Josh.
It was his nervousness. It was the fear that shone like a beacon in his eyes whenever he startled, whenever he made eye contact with someone; every time he darted his gaze away, like he’d been caught doing something illegal. It was the way Harry refused to talk unless he was directly spoken too. It was the way that, on the rare occasion that he did talk unprompted, whenever someone talked over him, he fell silent and clammed up until he was explicitly invited to talk again.
To put it bluntly, Josh had never seen Harry so scared before, and it was scaring more than just Josh.
It was scaring all of them.
***
Fast forward to today.
Josh had arrived early on location to help set some things up, and to fix a few last minute issues, and one by one, or in pairs, the Sidemen arrived.
The Guernsey lad rocked up late, only by a few minutes, however before they could playfully scold him for his tardiness, Josh took a lingering look at him.
He took a look at Harry and he knew.
His blond hair was a mess, stuck up in all directions like he’d just rolled out of bed. Dark circles sat heavy beneath his weary eyes. His hands jittered and twitched where they hung at his sides, peeking out from the oversized jumper he was wearing, a jumper that Josh immediately recognised as one of Freezy’s, and when Josh looked closer, he saw that Harry’s bottom lip was chewed raw.
‘Tell the crew they can go home,’ Josh murmured to Simon, not taking his eyes off of Harry. ‘Tell them we’re sorry. They’ll still be paid for today but we aren’t going to be filming anything.’
‘You spent hours setting this up,’ Simon argued.
‘Look at him, Si,’ Josh said, nodding in Harry’s direction. ‘Look at him. He's in no state to film today.'
‘Oh,’ Simon said softly. ‘Oh… yeah, okay. I’ll tell them. Besides, we can all always just film something amongst ourselves if need be.’
With that under control, Josh made a beeline for Harry, the lad still standing far away from everyone else, staring blankly at the floor. Josh coughed when he got close enough to Harry, not wanting to startle him, however he flinched horribly, staring wildly around until he realised it was only Josh.
Harry let out a shuddering breath, wrapping his arms around his middle, holding himself, steadying himself.
And failing miserably.
‘Harry…’ Josh began, reaching out. ‘Come here, lad.’ Slowly, and gently, Josh took Harry by the arm and led him away from everyone else, led him away so no one else could hear their conversation. Harry went willingly. ‘What’s going on?’ Josh asked softly, searching Harry, watching him closely. ‘You’re out of sorts today, aren’t you? In fact, you’ve been out of sorts for a while now.’
‘I just, I…’ he averted his gaze, his breathing quickening. Panicking. He unwrapped his arms from around himself, letting his hands fall to his sides. They clenched and unclenched… and Josh realised it was a futile attempt to stop them from shaking.
Josh’s stomach dropped.
I knew this wasn’t an illness.
I knew something else was wrong.
‘Hey, it’s okay,’ Josh promised. ‘We’re just worried about you. We all are.’
‘I can’t go home,’ Harry blurted out, his hands trembling.
Josh stilled them with his own. ‘I don’t follow?’
‘I can’t go home,’ Harry repeated wildly.
Josh frowned. ‘Did the Cals do something? What did they do, Harry?’
‘N-nothing, not… not the Cals. G-G-Guernsey,’ Harry stuttered out, his blue eyes swimming with tears. ‘I can’t go back to Guernsey.’
‘Why not?’
Harry made a noise; it wasn’t quite a sob, yet not quite a whimper, and the wretched sound sat heavy amidst Josh’s soul.
‘Harry,’ Josh soothed. ‘It’s alright. You can tell me. You can tell me anything.'
‘I’m…’ a tear slid down Harry’s flushed cheeks. It was followed closely by another. He let out a sharp intake of breath. ‘I’m gay.’
‘Okay,’ Josh said, squeezing Harry’s hands, holding them steady. ‘Okay.’
‘I told my mum a f-few weeks ago. She… she…’ Harry bit back a sob. ‘I can’t go home, Josh. I can’t, I can’t…’
The lad dissolved into tears, his head bowed down, violently shaking with the intensity of his feelings. Josh let go of Harry’s hands and pulled him in for a hug, holding him close, tears burning in his own eyes. Harry’s hands twisted themselves into Josh’s jumper and pulled.
‘I’m proud of you, Harry. I’m so proud of you. Thank you for telling me that. Thank you for trusting me with that.’ Josh tried to swallow the lump in his throat. It didn’t abate, lingering like an aggressive cancer. ‘I’m so sorry.’
Across the way, the others watched warily with varying degrees of alarm written on their faces; Harry never cried in front of anyone. Never. Even when he had been quiet he’d just sat there, staring into space, like his mind had been a million miles away.
It was. He was.
‘Harry?’ Josh asked quietly, struggling to keep his anger and his sorrow at bay. ‘Did you want me to explain this to the others, or did you want it to stay between us?’
‘You can tell them,’ Harry sobbed against Josh’s chest.
‘Are you sure? Because I know this is important to you. I know this is a lot.’
The lad let out a whimper that snapped Josh’s heart clean in two.
‘I won’t say anything,’ Josh reassured. ‘Not until you’re ready.’
‘Tell them,’ Harry cried out. ‘I don’t… I don’t want to tell anyone anymore.’
‘Okay, lad,’ Josh soothed. ‘Okay.’
It was Ethan who warily approached the duo, worry blossoming in the depths of his irises.
(Ethan always worried when it came to Harry).
‘Is everything okay?’ Ethan asked, settling a hand on Harry’s back and running it up and down, horrified when Harry flinched away from the touch. ‘What’s going on, Bog?’
Josh, with a single look and a motion of his finger, beckoned the others closer. Ethan waited patiently at Harry’s side while the others gathered.
‘What’s going on?’ Tobi asked softly, his gaze lingering on Harry for a few moments before he looked back to Josh. ‘Is there anything we can do to help?
‘He came out to his mum a few weeks ago,’ Josh told the group in a hushed but firm voice, direct and straight to the point. ‘It didn’t go down well.’
‘What the fuck?’ JJ hissed, glaring around at the boys. ‘What the fuck?’
Harry flinched again, and Josh hugged him tighter. ‘It’s alright, Harry. It’s okay. We’re all here with you,’ he soothed.
JJ’s anger abated slightly, his eyes softening into guilt. ‘Sorry. I’m just angry... not with you, Harry. Never with you,' JJ hurried to explain.
‘We’re sorry that happened to you, Harry,’ Vik said sadly. ‘You’ll be safe with us.’
‘Yeah. You’re a part of our family now, Bog,’ Tobi said. ‘We’ll look after you.’
Josh didn’t think it were possible, but Harry’s sobs grew steadily louder.
‘There will always be a door open for you,’ Simon said. ‘And if you ever need anything, you come to us. You come to any of us and we will be there no questions asked.’
Harry made no acknowledgement to the words being spoken. He clung to Josh like his life depended on it, not saying a word, wetting Josh’s shirt with tears that didn’t appear to be stopping any time soon.
And Josh refused to let him go.
Harry wasn’t ill the other week.
His mum had just turned his entire world upside down.
Then, at least he had the Cals there. At least he wasn’t dealing with this on his own.
And, he won’t ever be alone. Not while he has all of us.
Harry lifted his head, exhausted with his face streaked with tears, his blue eyes red rimmed and swimming with even more tears. ‘I’m sorry,’ Harry whispered. ‘I’m sorry.’
‘No,’ Vik said. ‘Don’t ever be sorry for something out of your control. Don’t ever be sorry for something that isn’t your fault.’
‘Vik’s right,’ Tobi said. ‘This isn’t on you, Bog. Never on you.’
Ethan made a quiet noise beside them. 'Never apologise for who you are,' he said. 'There's nothing wrong with you, Harry. There's nothing wrong with being you.'
Simon and JJ stayed quiet, but their support was visible in the way their jaws clenched, in the way they didn't take their eyes off of Harry for a second.
‘Wanna go to bed,’ Harry said, his voice cracking, imploring.
‘Of course,’ Ethan said, taking charge. ‘Let’s get you back to the Cal’s, hmm? We can watch a plane crash documentary in our pyjamas and get Deliveroo. How does that sound?'
Harry nodded, and a fresh wave of tears streamed down his cheeks.
After a last hug to Josh, after a breathy, broken ‘thank you,’ Ethan took the younger lad home, took him home to the Cals.
(Josh had always marvelled at Ethan’s gentleness when it came to Harry. How only Harry mattered, and everything else was secondary).
Only when Harry had left the room with Ethan, Josh allowed himself to break down, allowed his own tears to fall. It was Simon who he leaned against, his friend wrapping an arm around his shoulders and pressing their heads together, and it was Tobi who ran a hand up and down his arm.
‘Well done, mate,’ Tobi said.
‘Thank you for getting him to talk,’ Vik said. ‘I think he’s been holding that in for a long time.’
‘Too long,’ Josh mumbled, wiping his eyes. ‘Fuck. Fuck.’
‘He’s gonna be okay,’ JJ said, determined, a fire in his eyes. ‘We’re gonna look after him.’
‘Yeah,’ Simon said, smiling at Josh. ‘He’s ours now.’ His smile fell just as fast, a darkness spreading across his face. ‘He’s ours.’
Our little brother.
Our responsibility.
You’ll be safe with us, Harry.
I promise.