Chapter Text
As Dazai notices Atsushi’s words becoming more… slurred, he knew that Atsushi was slowly getting drunk. Dazai knows that ordering an alcoholic drink and switching it out with the water was horrible, considering Atsushi never drank before—since he’s not the legal age, but he was concerned for Atsushi this entire time they’ve been hanging out.
Dazai noticed… cuts on Atsushi’s arm whenever he reached for something, and he knew he had to get answers. That’s his strategy. Make Atsushi blackout drunk, make him drunkenly confess to whatever he’s been doing, and roll with it from there.
Dazai stops talking, seeing what Atsushi will do. Atsushi rests his head on the table on his forearms, still looking at Dazai. “Dazai… What’re you doing?..”
“What do you mean, Atsushi?”
“You don’t seem happy right now… Did I do something?” He mumbles.
Dazai’s eyes widen slightly, surprised that Atsushi took in account others' behaviors. “No, nothing’s wrong, Atsushi.” He grins, as he usually does and acts like nothing’s wrong.
Atsushi frowns, “Okay then…”
Dazai giggles, finding it amusing to see Atsushi drunk; since it’s his first time. “Atsushi, what’s been going on for the last few weeks?” He asks, nonchalantly.
Atsushi’s eyes widen, but then soften, “Of course you’d see through me…” He mumbles, “... I keep thinking about him, and everything I went through back at that place.” Atsushi’s voice cracks, but Dazai’s face is just blank. The person and place Atsushi is likely referring to is his old orphanage and his abuser; the headmaster. “I can’t get him out of my head,” he continues, “I can’t help but think that I deserve what happened to me. I mean, I was a dangerous tiger who regularly harmed everyone at the orphanage…” Tears start to fill Atsushi’s eyes, “Now, I’m starting to think that I’m a burden to everyone at the Agency… I am practically a magnet for danger which causes problems for everyone.” After he says that, tears start to trickle down his face. Plop, plop as it hit's the table.
Dazai still has a blank expression on his face and his mind flashes back to an image of Odasaku. “What would Odasaku do in this situation?” He thinks. Sighing, he stands up from the table, grabbing Atsushi’s wallet and taking out some money to pay for the meal. He yanks Atsushi out of the chair he’s sitting in, supporting him with one arm under his shoulder as they both walk out of the diner.
Atsushi limps from how drunk he is, “Dazai… It’s cold outside.” He whines, but his shivering is proof that he isn’t lying. Dazai turns to look at Atsushi and his pale yet flushed face. Dazai can’t help but feel a sense of protectiveness when he analyzes him. To Dazai, Atsushi is an innocent, naive and gullible kid who was treated cruelly by the world he was introduced to.
He doesn’t know all the details about what happened back at his old orphanage, but the way Atsushi behaves and the entire situation with Shibusawa tells him that living there must’ve been torture. Dazai wants to shield Atsushi from the world, to protect him no matter what; but he knows he can’t do that when they’re in this line of work.
In his gut, he knows that Atsushi is probably revealed to horrors every day: seeing dead bodies, interrogating victims— where 9 times out of 10 breaks down and witness accounts, it must be hard for an empathetic and sensitive person as Atsushi is.
With the time passing as Dazai was thinking, he realizes that they are in front of his apartment's front door. Dazai turns his head to look at Atsushi, who doesn’t look too well… He’s slumped against his side, his face is paler than before; sweat running down his face and still shivering.
Dazai’s face twists to slight guilt, maybe he should’ve given him his jacket. It wasn’t like him to just space out and not think of any outcomes. Atsushi probably has a small cold now because of him. Dazai rolls his eyes and groans in annoyance, but it’s fault after all. He just yanks his keys out of his pockets with his free hand and unlocks his front door.
He pushes the door open with his foot and keeps it planted on the ground in case the door swings shut. He places his hand on Atsushi’s shoulder with a gentle yet firm grip for further support. With slow steps, he guides himself and Atsushi into the apartment, practically dropping Atsushi on his couch; Atsushi letting out a small grunt as he does, as he wipes sweat from his forehead and closes his eyes. You know— he isn’t THAT physically active.
“Why do you even bother with me?” Dazai’s eyes open at the suddenness of the question. “I’m not smart, I’m not good looking, I don’t have any experience or knowledge of the stuff we do, I’m not strong…” Atsushi closes his eyes and rests his head against the couch seat, “Why do you continue to keep me? If you abandon me, I wouldn’t care too much; people abandon me all the time.”
Dazai sits next to Atsushi on the couch, silence hanging in the air as Dazai thinks about how to word his response. After a moment, he responds, “Atsushi… Me and everyone at the agency doesn’t care whether you're smart or strong, it matters if you have kindness; a heart.” Atsushi opens his eyes to look at Dazai, who has a serious expression on his face, “It would be nice if you were incredibly smart and strong, but trust me, everyone loves you for the way you are. You understand weakness and struggle well, which manages to connect you with others along with your kindness. You may not believe that your kind, but you really are. You experienced a hellish life prior to joining the agency and it’s clear that you wouldn’t want anyone to experience what you did, which led you to save many people.” Dazai chuckles fondly, “Such as Kyouka.”
Atsushi stares at him wide-eyed for a moment, then starts crying. He was such an idiot for thinking the agency wouldn’t want him, that he was just a useless human being. The feeling of unwantedness fades into the feeling of belonging.
Sighing, Dazai stands up from the couch, striding and whistling over to his closet where there's spare blankets that he uses in the winter whenever it gets too chilly. Smiling, he grabs a silly cat blanket and closes the closet door, striding back to Atsushi.
Confused, Atsushi raises an eyebrow, “What are you doing–” He’s cut off by the blanket being laid on top of his body. Grinning, Dazai giggles, “Sleepover! Now, scoot over to give me some room too.” Dazai pouts and crosses his arms, like a child.
Atsushi does as he says and Dazai plops on the couch, next to Atsushi, snuggling under the covers. “Ahh, now this is cozy.” His eyes turn wide, as if getting an idea. He turns towards Atsushi with a grin, “Maybe you should transform your ears into the tiger ears along with your tail! It would be so comfy!”
Atsushi's face turns beet red, “NO! I’m NOT a furry Dazai!” Atsushi glares and pouts at him.
Dazai can’t help but start laughing. “But you’re drunk! You’ll probably not even remember it in the morningggg. PLEASEEEE??” Dazai looks at him with puppy eyes, pleading hard.
With a groan and rolling eyes, Atsushi reluctantly does what Dazai requested of him and transforms his ears into tiger ears, along with his tail. Dazai giggles, “I knew you’d comply, see? You’re too nice.” He receives a glare from the younger one in response.
Dazai grabs his TV remote and turns the TV in front of them on. The screen gives them a long list of channels of different shows. Turning his head towards Atsushi, he smiles, “What do you wanna watch?” He watches as Atsushi’s face turns to puzzlement.
“Uh… I dunno.” He mutters.
He raises an eyebrow, “What do you mean you don’t know?”
Atsushi awkwardly scratches his head, “Well… I’ve never watched television befo–”
“WHAT?” Dazai’s eyes go wide, “Oh my god, they really did torture you. How could you live without TV?”
Atsushi giggles and shrugs, “We weren’t allowed any electronics at the orphanage… If you’re also talking about now, well… uh… I’m a little too broke to afford television.” He glances at the TV.
Dazai takes a deep breath, “Well, you get to watch it today.” He smiles, “Maybe we should have more sleepovers! Of course, when you’re not drunk… Which is also my fault…” He awkwardly mumbles, trailing off. He turns his head towards the TV, now focusing on it. He picks a drama movie he’s been wanting to watch for a while now and they get comfortable.
As Dazai watches the movie, occasionally making comments, he notices that Atsushi dozed off and has his head resting against his shoulder. Dazai fondly smiles and adjusts the blanket to make sure Atsushi is comfortable. Slowly, Dazai can feel himself getting tired. He grabs the TV remote that he placed on the coffee table in front of him and turns the TV off; he can’t sleep unless it’s fully dark. He gently sets the TV remote down and rests his head against Atsushi’s head, closing his eyes as he smiles softly.
He couldn’t be prouder of Atsushi ever since he met him. In a way, he can’t help but admire Atsushi. He’s strong, not just physically, but mentally that he continues to help others despite struggling himself. It’s incredibly selfless that he feels like he should protect him since he never does himself. Atsushi is only 18; his life has barely started, yet he has already been through so much. Dazai vows to become the best mentor figure Atsushi ever had.
With that, he falls asleep against Atsushi.