Chapter Text
Everything was not alright.
Neil was not avoiding Andrew. He was only doing what he thought was right, but he was miserable in the meantime.
It’s not like he actually wanted to avoid him, but the fear of Andrew finding out his true feelings stopped him from spending as much time with him as before.
Problem was, Andrew was starting to notice it.
A week passed from his chat with Matt, and Neil was slowly becoming a ghost in his own home.
He woke up early in the morning, went for a run and made his and Andrew’s coffee as always. And then he was gone.
He tried to occupy his afternoons with study groups, runs, coffee dates with Matt and more study session with Kevin. He would get home late at night, eat a quick dinner and then go to bed soon after.
It was after one exact week that Andrew stopped him after breakfast as he was trying to go to his classes. Neil had already one shoe on and he was not expecting Andrew to speak to him this early in the morning.
“You are avoiding me.” It was not a question. Andrew was not exactly glaring but his brows where slightly furrowed.
“What? I am not.”
Andrew crossed his arms. “Right. I haven’t seen you in a week now. Must be a coincidence.”
Neil looked away from him. He had to think, quick. “I just have been busy with my course. I have a lot to study. You can ask Kevin, he helps me with some of my classes.” This was good enough. Neil had an alibi. Not that he was doing something wrong, of course.
Andrew hummed and uncrossed his arms, his eyes where glinting and Neil couldn’t look away again.
“There is something you are not telling me. Should I find out alone or will you tell me?”
“There is nothing. Everything is fine.”
“Sure.” He was quiet for a few seconds; gaze locked with his. He could feel his annoyance. “Don’t let me hold you back. Your classes are starting soon.” Andrew waved him away, putting an end to their short conversation.
Neil watched as he went back to his coffee. He was wearing all black as always but today, his shirt seemed more fitting than usual. He looked good.
It’s not like Neil was blind; he knew that Andrew was a beautiful guy, with his broad figure and sharp gaze. Even if he was shorter than him, Neil had no doubts that Andrew could overpower him in an instant. He was so strong- Wait. The thought made Neil feel weird. He could feel Andrew’s gaze on him and Neil realized that he was caught looking at Andrew’s biceps.
“Staring.” Andrew drawled from where he was sitting.
Neil’s cheeks immediately went up to flames, he cleared his throat and went near the door to put on his other shoe. He looked back at Andrew again and waved, Andrew waved back with a huff.
Yeah, Neil was definitely feeling weird.
Classes passed in a blur, Neil’s mind still repeating the morning short convo. He missed Andrew. It was strange. He was feeling strange.
After a week of only seeing him at breakfast and barely talking, this morning felt like a balm on his soul. Neil had to find another solution, avoiding Andrew just wasn’t cutting it. He couldn’t let this go on.
With a new renovated conviction, Neil canceled his study session with Kevin and decided to come back to his dorm to try and spend some time with Andrew again.
As he was nearing his dorms’ room, he heard a voice he didn’t quite recognize. He quickened his steps and as he was rounding the corner, he heard Andrew’s voice too.
In front of the door there was Andrew and some random guy talking. They weren’t really doing anything. The guy was leaning a little too close to Andrew for comfort, but Andrew didn’t seem to mind. Neil watched as Andrew’s hand rose to touch the guy’s nape, making him bend down so he could kiss him.
Something hot shoot through Neil’s chest. He unconsciously put a hand on his chest to ease the pain, and the motion seemed to capture Andrew attention.
How was it possible that Neil had, again, walked on Andrew? Was this some kind of conspiracy? Neil in a month was able to walk in on Andrew more times that he ever had in their year of living together.
Andrew put a hand on the stranger chest, making him back up a bit. He turned to look at Neil.
“I thought you would be with Kevin again.”
Neil shook his head and rested his gaze on the floor. “Change of plans.” His voice was a little hoarse and he had to clear his throat before speaking again. “I can go if you need.” He risked a glance at him and noted Andrew furrowed brows.
“Are you feeling sick?” He asked, taking a step towards him, and wasn’t that a question?
Was he feeling sick? Neil didn’t even know what he was feeling but he did know one thing for sure: he didn’t like that stranger.
“I’m fine” He watched as Andrew arched one of his brows, clearly not believing him. “Just a bit... tired.” He corrected.
Andrew studied him for a bit, trying to decide if Neil was telling the truth or no. Neil forced himself to keep his face blank, ignoring all the emotions that were brewing with him. His finger began tapping his tight. He was calm .
He didn’t know what Andrew saw when he looked at him, but he stepped aside and turned towards the guy who was still waiting with his hands in his pockets.
“Fun is over. Go away.” The guy chuckled a bit but relented. Andrew returned his attention to Neil. “Go inside Neil, rest.”
Neil felt his foots move on their own, he walked towards the door, crossing the guy who was walking away.
“Nice to meet you, Neil.” The mystery guy said, making Neil stop in his tracks, irritation flaring up.
“Who even are you?” The guy stilled, clearly not expecting a question or such animosity.
“Umh... I’m Lucas?”
“Is that a question? You don’t even know your own name?”
The guy was now slightly gaping “What-” but was quickly interrupted by Andrew, who watched the scene with a tilted head.
“Neil.”
Neil turned his stare on Andrew. He needed to calm down. He couldn’t let Andrew know. He took a deep breath and then shook his head, as if it would be enough for his thought to go away.
“I’m going in.” He turned around, leaving Andrew with the strang- with Lucas.
The pain in his chest was coming back. What happened before he got home? Did they kiss? Did they fuck? Did Andrew let him touch him? Did he like it?
Neil was so immersed in his thoughts that he didn’t hear Andrew coming in and settling on the couch near him.
“What the fuck was that?” Andrew asked, startling Neil.
“What?”
Andrew rolled his eyes. “Don’t play dumb, Neil.”
Neil shrugged, Andrew didn’t need to know the ugly feelings that were growing inside him.
“You have been acting weird since you walked on me the first time. It has been weeks, Neil.”
Andrew had to be bluffing, Neil thought. It was impossible for him to notice something was wrong. He was being too careful; he only slipped this last week.
“I already told you. Nothing is wrong. I’m just tired and I snapped a bit.” Neil went to get up, putting as much distance as possible between Andrew’s golden eyes and him. Wait what?
“Just tired.” Andrew repeated, his eyes following every movement Neil was making.
“Yes. I don’t care who you sleep with, Andrew.” Neil said with more force than necessary. He nodded as if could convince himself of it.
This seemed to capture Andrew’s attention, his gaze locking with Neil’s. His stare hardened as he scoffed.
“Do you have a problem with me sleeping with other guys, Neil?”
Neil gulped. He was a skilled liar. His survival literally depended on it. He could lie to Andrew even if the thought of it made his insides churn. Only he couldn’t do it while looking in his eyes, so he averted his gaze to the floor.
“No.” A few seconds went by. “You can sleep with whoever you want... Andrew.”
He felt Andrew coming closer until his boots came into view.
“Look at me.”
Neil shook his head.
Andrew lifted his hand, barely touching Neil’s chin.
“Neil. Look at me.”
Now Neil could destroy everything with one single wrong word. He couldn’t allow it.
So, Neil looked up, right into Andrew’s eyes. His eyes were clear; his gaze was searching.
“Tell me the truth.” his voice was steady but low, almost a whisper. He took another step, and their shoes were now touching. Neil felt hot, every sense was heighted. Andrew was so close to him that a slight tilt forward could make their nose brush together.
And Neil was weak. He couldn’t win against Andrew. He would give him everything he asked for and more. Neil was so frustrated with himself. He couldn’t understand why he was feeling this way.
Everything was going well before. He and Andrew had their own routine, they shared coffees, late night talks and hobbies. Andrew was opening up to him, slowly becoming more comfortable in his presence. Lately, they were beginning to share some casual touches too.
Sometimes when they were on the couch together, Andrew would stretch his legs, foots hiding themselves under Neil’s knees while Neil basked in the warmth they shared. Or, when Neil was busy studying, Andrew would come up beside him, see what he was working on and slightly graze the hair on his nape. Neil would look at him and smile, and Andrew would tighten his grip before letting go, pushing Neil’s head towards his books.
He couldn’t break the trust Andrew was giving him.
“I care.” Neil let the truth slip.
Andrew watched him but didn’t say anything, so Neil continued.
“I care if you sleep with someone else and that is the problem.” He took a step back and ran his hand through his hair. “I didn’t avoid you because I wanted to, Andrew. I was just trying to not mess this up.”
Andrew scoffed. “Because avoiding me was such a great idea.”
Neil grimaced, he knew that. “I was just confused. I will fix this. Just give me time.”
“How?”
“I don’t know.” Neil sighed. “But I won’t let this affect our relationship.”
“We don’t have a relationship, Neil.” Andrew’s tone was sharp, and it was enough to cut Neil.
“I meant friendship. We are friends.” Neil looked at Andrew, suddenly he felt like an idiot. “Right?” he added, uncertain.
He watched as Andrew rolled his eyes, head shaking as he stepped forward once more.
“I don’t want to be friends, Abram.”
He was so close, too close. Neil’s heart was beating so fast he was sure Andrew could hear it. Why was it beating so fast? What was happening?
Andrew didn’t smirk, but his expression conveyed his amusement easily enough.
“You are such an idiot, Josten.” His hand went to Neil’s cheek, his thumb stroking the scar under his eye.
Neil couldn't feel offended, not with Andrew’s hand on him. He let his eyes close and he felt Andrew shift.
“Neil.” Neil opened his eyes again; he looked at Andrew, loosing himself in the gold of his eyes. He felt himself starting to lean forward, saw as Andrew quickly looked away from his eyes to his mouth and oh. Oh.
Neil felt himself heat up; he was sure he was blushing now. Andrew raised a brow, clearly entertained by Neil’s internal turmoil.
“Yes or no, Neil?”
Neil didn’t know what Andrew was asking. Well, he had a hunch, but it didn’t matter. It would always be yes with Andrew.
“Yes” Neil’s voice was a whisper, and he was sure Andrew wouldn’t have heard him if not for their vicinity.
Andrew closed the distance between them and finally, finally, they were kissing.
Neil let a sigh escape and Andrew took it as a sign to deepen their kiss. Neil felt Andrew’s hand moving from his cheek to the back of his neck. He used his grip to bring them even closer. Their chests were touching, and Neil was aching. He wanted to touch Andrew so bad, but he knew he had to ask first.
As if reading his mind, Andrew slightly leaned away, resting his forehead against Neil’s. “Only my neck and head” he whispered.
Neil didn’t waste a second, hands going to Andrew’s hair while he leaned forward again. Finally, Neil was touching Andrew. Finally, he was kissing him.
Neil never felt like this. Was this why his mother beat him black and blue if he showed any kind of interest towards someone? He could understand her. Kissing Andrew made him feel euphoric and reckless. He would say yes to anything, if Andrew asked him. It really was a distraction from his survival.
Whatever. Who cared? Not Neil. And surely, not Neil while he was kissing Andrew.
He felt Andrew shift, breaking the kiss to breath. Neil didn’t waste time and started to latch on Andrew’s neck, leaving kisses on every inch of exposed skin he could find. Andrew shivered and Neil couldn’t help the smirk that broke out. He heard Andrew huff, the hand on his nape tighting its grip.
“Neil.”
“Mmh?” Neil lifted his head slightly, looking at Andrew through his lashes. Andrew’s lips were a hot pink color and he was still out of breath.
“Do you still need time?” The corner of his lips was slightly turned up.
Neil groaned while hiding his face in Andrew’s neck.
“You know... I thought I was becoming a homophobe.”
He felt Andrew still a bit. “What?”
“Yeah. You were right. Since I saw you with that guy, I started to feel strange. I was worried I might be a homophobe, so I wanted to solve the problem before you found out about it.”
He felt like such an idiot, how could he have mistaken his jealousy for homophobia? What was he even thinking?
His conversation with Matt now made more sense.
Andrew shook his head as he went to pull away from their impromptu hug.
“You are such an idiot. You have zero braincells in your head. No wonder I hate you.”
Neil chuckled slightly. “It’s okay if you hate me, Andrew. As long as you keep kissing me while doing it.”
Andrew rolled his eyes. “I don’t know if I should. You are a homophobe, remember?”
“What can I say. You’re so good my bigotry went away.” Neil watched as Andrew narrowed his eyes and laughed.
He bended a bit to lean into Andrew space as he asked, “Yes or no, Andrew?”.
Their kiss this time was hungrier. Andrew’s hand roaming over Neil’s shirt as if he didn’t know where to start grabbing while Neil was happy to run his fingers through Andrew’s hair.
Turns out, Neil didn’t mind Andrew kissing boys if he was Neil that he was kissing.