Chapter Text
Jaemin gives himself a month to figure it all out. It doesn’t seem to be hard – Mark is not texting him anymore, he’s not calling and not asking to hang out. It seems to be unbearable – Jaemin has to do the same.
It’s his own rule – he’s not into relationships, he’s not chasing labels. He’s afraid of everything he might feel, when someone, who’s like Mark, is with him. Even more, Jaemin is afraid of everything he’s going to feel, when Mark leaves. Paranoia eats away at him day by day. There’s not even a reason for it, except for a couple unlucky dates – it wasn’t even that serious, yet Jaemin gives up, looks at relationships of his friends, acquaintances and even strangers. It doesn’t look like something that he can’t live without. Maybe it would spare him a couple of extra nerves.
Jaemin convinces himself in it again and again. No one can leave you if you weren’t together from the start. No one can leave you if you left first.
Every time, again and again, he thinks of how Mark kisses him, and everything else is glimmering in neon. Jaemin sucks at metaphors and comparisons (and Mark is much better at these – he saw his notes), but he can’t express it any other way.
He’s missing Mark, the light neon euphoria wears out on the second week – everything turns to be uncomfortable, when you can’t text or just talk. Seeing each other from afar is criminally not enough, and Jaemin feels shame. He agreed to it, he told Mark that it’s not an issue – any space that Mark might need. He would be happy to help, he would be happy to leave him alone.
It turns into a circle of self-accusations and lying to himself pretty quickly. On Mondays Jaemin makes a decision to start a new life and find someone he can distract himself with. On Wednesdays he understands that it’s useless – he likes his current lifestyle and he wants to distract himself with someone quite specific only. When another guy moves closer to him, Jaemin feels dizzy from the heat and the smell of alcohol. And Jaemin likes women too but not one enough to take her home and spend the whole night talking.
"You look funny. And a little bit pathetic," informs Haechan. He squints with interest and maybe a little judgement – Jamin understands him, Friday is the most miserable day in his week and Haechan’s night is just starting and it promises to be a pleasant one. "You’re killing the vibe and awakening sympathy. A little bit more and I’ll suggest you talk it out and will try to support you without leaving you alone here while I’m having fun. Because it seems like you’ve been deprived of this skill recently.
"I am not that pathetic," Jaemin rolls his eyes. He punches Haechan lightly on the shoulder, but still smiles. On the periphery of his mind an intrusive thought swirls around – what if he's really pathetic now, what if he can't cope with a couple of weeks, what's going to happen to him next? How is he going to get used to Mark not wanting anything to do with him?
Not unless it's a relationship.
"Not yet," Haechan nods after the short silence. "But I’m training for the future. Be warned that you have friends, but they have their own needs besides comforting you, so don't abuse frustration or do it when I don't have plans. You are sitting here for thirty minutes already and most of that time you’re zoning out. And it generally becomes your routine. I'm not judging. As long as it's not hard drugs or something illegal, do what you think is right, but it looks to me like something is bothering you".
"Yeah, somewhat," Jaemin nods. The point on the wall he's looking into suddenly becomes even more interesting than before. He wants to tell Haechan everything from the start and to the current situation, because maybe it will really help, distract or make everything easier. "Have you ever been in a situation, when you always thought that you’re doing everything right, making the correct choice and saving everyone time and nerves, and others just don’t understand something? And then something happens that makes you doubt that your actions were actually the right choice and maybe you were wrong all along. Maybe others were actually right".
"I’m not sure that my situation perfectly aligns with whatever is happening to you," replies Haechan. He even sits down next to Jaemin – unheard of generosity, he's serious about talking. Jaemin is sorry for a second that they’re too serious right now to crack a joke about it. He will remind Haechan about it later – no moment of sincerity should go unpunished. "I always thought that if you love someone, it makes them perfect. Not in a sense they don’t have flaws, but in a sense that you don’t care about these flaws, they blend in with yours. And you have to match, you know? We can't just love someone for no reason, right? You need reasons for that. But then I realised that we don’t always like those we love. Sometimes, no matter how much you are attached to a person, it won't change the fact that you don't like them and that you can't be around them. Not everything always works out perfectly.
"That’s some depressing shit, dude," Jaemin looks at Haechan with a hint of worrying – maybe they didn’t talk about anything like this for too long or Jaemin just didn’t notice the obvious. "I meant that maybe if you avoid relationships, it doesn't always save you from getting hurt, you know?"
"That’s what I'm talking about," Haechan rolls his eyes. "Somewhat, at least. I mean, I believed that if I loved someone, I had to like that person and vice versa. And if i don’t like someone, it shows that my feelings are not working, or their feelings aren’t, depending on how you look at it. With time I realised that it’s not supposed to be like that at all. Sometimes, if you’re very unlucky, you despise someone you love. And sometimes, if you’re trying to ditch someone you can fall in love with, you’re hurting yourself more than if you were in a relationship with them, you'd get sick of each other and break up after one super serious conversation".
"Do you really think it can be this easy?" asks Jaemin with a sigh. He totally has to ask Haechan more about how he got to these thoughts – this story promises to be one of the stories you’re telling in the middle of the night and getting a little bit too sincere.
"No, I don't think everything always works the same. You can be right about staying single, but it’s bothering you now, right?" Haechan waits for a small nod before he continues. "And you can continue to stick to your opinion – consistently avoid any relationship, any hint of feelings that could be called romantic. You can give up and look for a boyfriend. But if you want my honest opinion, this is a matter of time. You will find someone, whom you like, who makes you feel good and calm around, with whom you will stay for longer than one or two nights. You know, when you are friends, but you’re getting closer and closer. It works out perfectly. And your preventative measures will be a little too late, you'll have to put up with the pain of walking away. And you'll either get over it and remember it for the rest of your life, or you'll give up and agree to try".
"That’s very optimistic, but is there a secret third option, where i’m right and it works exactly the way I think it does?" clarifies Jaemin. He smiles but he feels strange, he sees neon glints out of the corner of his eye – Mark is on the other side of the bar and they haven't even said hello today.
"There is," Haechan nods with seriousness. "If you’re a psychopath with some type of disorder, then there’s a solid chance everything works out and you will leave peacefully for the rest of your life".
"I’ll book a psychiatric session to check it," Jaemin also nods with seriousness.
"But if you find out that it’s not actually an option for you, please think before making any decisions," adds Haechan. He nods to someone in the crowd – Jemin doesn't even try to keep track of who. Haechan has tons of acquaintances, he could have been nodding to at least five different people minimum. Jaemin wonders if one of them is the person whom Haechan despises. "It’s about you, your feelings and your trust. It’s also about another person, their feelings and trust. You will both be in it. And it's not that you're entirely responsible for both of you, but you are responsible for agreeing or refusing. Don’t do things you don’t want someone to do to you. It usually works well.
Jaemin doesn’t have enough time to reply – Haechan disappears in the crowd. Sometimes Jaemin thinks that someone is chasing him. Maybe that’s how it is.
This conversation doesn’t make anything easier. Mark sees Jaemin thirty more minutes after – nods him from another side of the room and smiles slightly. Mark looks great – Jaemin thinks that he’s biased, for him lately (and always) Mark looks either great or stunning. There’s no third option, except of course the one, where Mark looks distant.
Jaemin comes back home three hours earlier. His own ceiling turns out to be a nicer option to look at. No one distracts him, music doesn’t scare the thoughts away, people aren’t trying to talk to him and there’s no desire to search for Mark with his eyes to make sure he wasn't making out with someone he'd met an hour earlier.
It’s stupid. Jaemin refuses to take part in all of that himself – he does what he has to do. Haechan advises to think before making decisions and then he runs away, so Jaemin has no time to ask what he can do if he already made this decision and told Mark about it. He has no right to change his mind, to decide to try to trust, to try to be with Mark like he has never been with anyone before.
Jaemin falls asleep in the morning when the ceiling flashes new colours in the dawn sunlight, and all he can think about is that it's nothing like the shades of neon he sees every time he kisses Mark.
As the calendar approaches the third month, Jaemin knows for sure – Haechan wasn't kidding when he said Jaemin'd remember it for the rest of his life. Jaemin repeats to himself over and over – he made a choice, he pushed Mark away because he thought it was the right thing to do. He was wrong, but he has no right to ask Mark to accept that. Jaemin doesn't try because it's not fair.
Jaemin feels his heart hammering in his chest when he sees a text from Mark.
He's not ready for this, he's not ready for the fact that he doesn't have a single thought in his head, that his hands reach for the phone and open the text obscenely fast. Oh my god, oh my god, now he's going to think I'm a fan.
Jaemin agrees to meet up instantly. He doesn't think about the consequences, about the fact that their meeting will be awkward and strange. At least for the first two minutes, but then the thoughts, along with anxiety, overwhelm him in a wave. Had Mark seriously suggested they meet up and watch movies? Last time, it had only ended with them not really talking for three months.
It seems paradoxical – Jaemin wants so badly to talk to Mark, to find out how he's doing and how he's feeling, what he's thinking, why he texted, but he's afraid of it all. What if it means that Mark doesn't feel anything anymore? What if it means that it's really over for him and now they can continue to be friends?
Jaemin isn't sure it will work for him.
He's in this situation because of himself and that doesn't make things any easier for Jaemin at all. What should he do?
Jaemin doesn't find an answer, even when Mark sits down in front of him at the coffee shop. They agreed to meet here, they discussed the place and time, Jaemin feels like he shouldn't be here. His heart is trying to betray him – it's pounding so loud that it's definitely audible to everyone around him. Jaemin's sure they're only pretending not to hear because they're too polite, too sympathetic, or they care too much. Mark is definitely too polite to say it out loud.
"I'm glad to see you," Mark smiles as he usually does, he hasn't even changed in three months. He shouldn't have, because Jaemin knows it seems like it's been forever to him only. "It's like we haven't been out in forever".
Maybe Mark is a mind reader, and Jaemin should unleash his superpowers right now and fall through the ground. Or, more likely, it's just a coincidence that makes Jaemin notice that Mark is nervous – bringing up the fact that they haven't seen each other in so long seems odd. They were doing it on purpose.
"Right," Jemin nods. Maybe he's a little relieved to know that it's been forever for Mark too, because it might mean he cares. "I'm glad you're here. And that I have someone I can watch things with. Haechan doesn't appreciate my predilection for questionable movies".
"He doesn't understand art, which can be a questionable quality," Mark laughs, and that's probably getting easier. It's okay, they're still who they were. Jaemin feels like he manages to take a breath for the first time since he saw Mark today. They have a chance to have a good time tonight.
Sometime close to midnight, when Mark yawns at the end of another horror movie and throws his legs over Jaemin's lap like the habits never went anywhere and they only saw each other yesterday, Jaemin makes a decision. This time he thinks for several agonising hours. He can't ask Mark to give him a chance for nothing – he turned down the relationship himself, said he didn't need it. But if Mark gives a hint, a casual slip of the tongue, anything that lets Jaemin know he cares, then he'll risk asking.
"You're a jerk," Haechan informs this in a surprisingly casual manner as he irritably chews on a paper straw before sending it to the nearest trash can. "This is the worst logic I've ever encountered. Mark doesn't look smart in this situation either".
Jaemin rolls his eyes – Haechan is right again. Being around Mark is still hard because it makes him want to touch and want to say things he shouldn't, but Jaemin feels like it's better anyway. At least now he doesn't have to watch from afar.
"The main thing is to decide beforehand what will be a hint to you and what won't, in case you misunderstand," Haechan says it snidely, and Jaemin feels the paranoia, which with the ease of the first man on the moon, comes right to his throat, where his heart is beating desperately once again.
Hint analysis really does suck. Mark offers to spend Friday night at his place, texting Jamin about how his day went, sharing everything funny he sees. It's no different than how they've communicated before. It's exactly the same. And Jaemin sees this as a problem. It's like he's going crazy trying to figure out what it could mean.
"You don't kiss, you don't cuddle, you don't sleep together. It hints that things are not the way they used to be. And you're losing your mind. This is serious, I take back everything I said before – there is no escape for you. You're already screwed," Haechan points out. Jaemin stares at him for a very long and hard time, trying with his whole appearance to show how much he condemns him to be right.
Jaemin doesn't stop seeing Mark.
"Sometimes I seriously want to be interested in this," they lay in the semi-dark room on Jaemin's bed. Another movie has moved to the end credits, and they've both already agreed that it's not something they'd want to revisit anytime soon, or at all. "Want to understand movies on the level that professionals do, well, or at least understand what they mean fully you know?"
"I know, I've always wanted the same thing," Jaemin hums. He shifts his gaze to the ceiling, his fingers barely touching Mark's fingers, and neon begins to flash before his eyes. Is that a hint or is Jaemin still going crazy?
"I just need to know. Do I really not understand some movies or are they really shitty and people just pretend they're cool because that makes them seem smarter and better, and more mysterious?" Mark turns on his side, his hand farther away now, but Jaemin feels his gaze on himself.
"I guess it's true there are those who like it, and then there are those who can't live without acting like they're better than everyone else, backing it up with some really weird opinions," Jaemin snickers. He turns on his side as well. He's looking Mark in the eyes now, and he can also feel his breath on his lips. It's a very amicable position, it's how they should spend their time so Jaemin is completely out of his mind and calm, but right now he feels more comfortable than usual. "Admittedly, we have no way of distinguishing the latter from the former, so I'm not sure which movie critic is giving a personal and professional opinion and which is just self-aggrandizing".
"I think it's supposed to work differently, but we'll never know," Mark doesn't move farther or look away. Jaemin wonders what he's thinking right now. "I'd like to seriously understand it, but I guess we'll have to accept that I have a personal opinion and some understanding of what I see".
"Hey, you've been so cruel to my theory. No support for it!" Jaemin laughs quietly, touching Mark's shoulder to push lightly. It’s a habit. They both freeze, Jaemin doesn't remove his fingers as he usually does.
"A lot of things are subjective. Something that technically should work, in practice not always does. We may assume that it should happen this way, that we'll like it, but in the end it turns out to be the exact opposite. In those cases, we can make pretty few guarantees," Mark doesn’t move away from his fingers, but Jaemin notices the change in his expression.
For the next week, Mark doesn't answer his texts or calls.
And Jaemin pretends he's not worried about it. He's fine, he knows that Mark is probably just busy, that he has a lot on his plate, other plans, anything else, maybe an apocalypse, a reptiloid attack, an alien invasion. Jaemin will accept any reason, agree with it and say it's super, it's okay, it's better than the deliberate distance all these three months. Mark just needs to come back.
Jaemin accepts the loss – it takes him a week to understand that his three messages will remain unanswered (and he doesn't approve of that because they're really funny videos). Perhaps these are hasty conclusions, but Jaemin feels it's better this way. And he tries not to blame himself.
Maybe Mark has figured it out and he doesn't need it, or maybe he's changed his mind, doesn't want to see Jaemin at all, is bored and uncomfortable when they can't just kiss. Jaemin wonders, because in the end, maybe there will be one answer that makes more sense than the others, that will solve all the problems at once and he won't have to replay their last night together over and over in his head. Jaemin doesn't want to relive three months again. He knows it will be longer this time.
Mark returns just when Jaemin has the right to express his displeasure – he's busy working at the coffee shop, he's focused and ready to finally finish everything he has planned (he's begging the universe to distract him). And Mark just sits down across from him, as if they had agreed on this before, as if they had an appointment and were going to have coffee and chat.
Jaemin checks their chat – it definitely didn't happen, his messages are all unread.
"I'm not distracting, right?" Mark asks and smiles as awkwardly as only he can. Jaemin knows it's all nonsense and that it's not that serious. He can't feel hurt, but he does.
Did Mark feel the same way when Jaemin told him he wasn't ready for a relationship?
Jaemin crosses that question off his list of worthwhile and comforting questions. It doesn't fulfill any of the expected functions, only making him more anxious. And maybe sometimes Jaemin still feels guilty. He doesn't have to respond to Mark's feelings – that's fine, but now Mark doesn't have to respond to his own too.
"No, I guess not," Jaemin shakes his head after an awkward pause. Work cancelled, the universe hears Jaemin good and clear – it's sending him something that will distract him for the next few hours. With any luck, it'll even stretch over the next few months – Jaemin definitely won't stop thinking about what he could have done or said differently, what would have been if he'd made up his mind sooner. "Did you want something? Or are you just alone here?"
"Sort of," Mark nods, and that doesn't answer any of the questions he's asked. Jaemin mentally agrees with that – he'd answer the exact same way, just to say something while he's thinking about what he really wanted to say.
They sit in silence, and Jaemin knows that silence with Mark can be insanely cozy. So many times they've just been silent, because even without words it was clear that they felt good and comfortable around each other. But now it's different. Jaemin slides his gaze over Mark's hands, noticing the way he nervously runs his fingers over the glass, and he clutches the edge of his laptop harder himself. It's weird, he doesn't even need it anymore – he’s not going to work anytime soon.
Jaemin isn't sure if he wants to mean talking to Mark or the laptop. But he knows for sure that he’s not allowed to give up on Mark now. Luckily, Jaemin's opinion was asked much earlier, and now there's little to depend on.
"I'm sorry for disappearing like this," Mark smiles and covers his eyes, taking a deep breath. Jemin watches him as closely as he can, trying to pick up on any small details, hints of something that will make any difference right now. "I had things to do".
Mark takes a step to nowhere, and Jaemin takes it.
"I get it," he frowns, glancing indignantly at the laptop screen – he's got a new email, and Jaemin feels the need to check who it's from, even though the preview makes it clear it's just spam. "This month has been crazy, don't you think? I thought I was going to lose my mind".
"It's just madness," Mark picks up on it, as if revitalised. Jaemin mentally agrees with him again – it's just madness that they're really now going to pretend that everything is fine and nothing happened. "I'm glad I ran into you now".
This sets the tone for their communication, and Jaemin doesn't complain. He wants to, but chooses to refrain because it turns out to be better than Mark disappearing.
He tries to be around all the time – their meetings at the coffee shop become something constant, Jaemin gets used to working in the company (and he likes it), and Mark calls him to his studio, and also to a performance of someone he wrote a track for, to a bar, to watch movies, everywhere he can.
"My friends will be there," Mark adds each time. They are no longer alone together without someone else's presence. Jaemin finds this utterly ridiculous. Mark is quite reachable physically, but when was the last time they really talked to each other? Jaemin has no idea. Maybe it's even better this way.
Jaemin finds it comforting. It's like they're really becoming friends. Very distant, with littlest understanding of each other possible, and as if hesitant to be alone together for that reason. Everyone knows that would be awkward.
"It's like you're seeing each other for the first time," someone in Mark's company says with a chuckle. Jaemin has no idea what his name is. They were introduced ten minutes ago and that's enough for Jaemin to forget his name. Twenty minutes after they go home, Jaemin will forget his face too.
"That's not true, we go way back," Jaemin waves it off. He takes a sip from his glass, and it's luscious. It's what you get when you flirt with a bartender longer than you should and trust his taste. It's still enjoyable. "We're just giving each other space".
"Have you been seeing the same girl?" The guy clarifies, crossing his legs. Jaemin squints, trying to recall if they've really been introduced – maybe it's just a journalist who urgently needed all the information in the world about Mark a second before he becoms internationally popular. Jaemin doesn't condemn this, but he doesn't want to be the source of the details. He prefers to be a mysterious figure in blurry paparazzi shots. That would suit him. "Or with each other?"
Jaemin gasps for air and squints at the guy indignantly. That's a low blow, Jaemin would be happy to say yes.
"No and no, we’re just friends," Jaemin replies, pressing his lips together grudgingly. All of his discontent is centered on himself only.
"But you like him," the guy adds confidently. Jaemin is very upset that he can't remember his name, otherwise he would have asked Mark not to call him anymore or not to invite Jaemin next time if this guy is on the list of other invitees. Fortunately, his memory saves him from being able to voice questionable requests. "There’s a scene of tension between you two".
"What are you two talking about?" Mark sits down on the couch next to him, looking over the two of them with the world's most innocent look. Jaemin thinks he's having an insanely bad night. What is he supposed to mean by "there's a sense of tension between you two"? Are they that awkward? Is it so obvious that Jaemin still feels something? Does Mark despise him and it's obvious? He wants to ask. But, of course, not Mark.
"About how you two could use some privacy one day," this guy prefers to make everyone around him miserable, and Jaemin might be finding something insanely interesting about that right now. He glances warily at Mark, whose face stretches out in surprise before he waves back with an unreadable face.
"I have no idea what you mean," Mark says, and it doesn't sound convincing, but it has the proper effect – Jaemin still doesn't know exactly what Mark is feeling at that moment.
"Call me as soon as one of you figures it out. I'm sure we can work it into your new track," the guy winks, smiling. He shifts his stance, as if showing with his whole appearance that whatever the purpose of this conversation was, he's just achieved it. Or just found something better. "Just don't take it too seriously and relax a little. Otherwise I feel like I've ruined your whole evening".
"You did? You think so?" Jaemin couldn't help laughing when he heard Mark's question.
It's silly, but in that moment he feels that, if only for a little while, they understand each other, they're on the same page, and they're not trying to avoid looking at each other and being alone. Mark pulls Jaemin with him to the dance floor, and there is no need to talk, they can just forget themselves for a while. Jaemin catches himself thinking that he is afraid to touch Mark. The flashes of neon are now associated with disappearance. He doesn't want to live through that again, but Mark reaches out on his own, touches his shoulders, his hips, and Jaemin takes it as amnesty.
He feels like kissing Mark.
Mark lives nearby, and he offers to stay at his place, and Jaemin finds no reason to refuse (he carefully hides them all somewhere deeper, so that no one will ever know that he had other options). The night is surprisingly warm outside, so they walk slowly, as if trying to get rid of the echoes of club music in the silence of the sleeping city.
"So, what's your friend's name?" Jaemin asks, awkwardly shoving his hands into his pockets. "I didn't memorise his name, but now I want to know. Precautions and all that, you know? It's obviously important with him".
"It's Kibum," Mark explains with a sigh. He frowns, thinking about something for a second before continuing. "I used to work with Taemin, remember him? He's an amazing dancer. I met Kibum through him. He's... Interesting. He's always fun".
"I appreciated it today," Jaemin laughs softly, shaking his head. "He's the only one you want to be alone with less than me, it seems".
Mark freezes before turning around and looking at Jaemin. Neither of them think it's right. Jaemin feels like he's making a mistake right now, but he can't do anything about it. He's already said it.
"Is that why I'm here now? With you and alone?" Mark interjects, and he tries to get out of this situation. Jaemin feels a sense of deja vu. This conversation has definitely happened before, and Jaemin has given Mark every chance to get away from it, to end things before they cause trouble.
"Yeah, because it's either him or me," Jaemin hums. And Mark can talk about the whole club of people, the huge number of friends, the cab he's ready to call for Jaemin right now. But they both know what Jaemin means. "Is being close to me that hard?"
"Being close to you is unbearable," Mark replies without even blinking, Jaemin finds it strange, as if realising that they are standing like this in the middle of a night street in the light of a street lamp, talking about nothing. He knows that when this conversation is over, his condition for the next three (and that's the fateful number now) months will be absolutely certain. "And when I do find myself closer than I need to be, I don't want to leave. So yes, if you want to hear it, I'd rather be with anyone else right now. But I can't bring myself to leave, I can't bring myself to ask you to do it. I want to be here. But I can’t do this because we had a deal. And I spent so much time being okay about it, and now you're... You're not doing anything wrong. I guess. But I really can't handle it when you touch me".
Jaemin feels as if right now the whole world has abruptly run out of air, and time is obediently frozen around him. Mark doesn't hint – he says directly what Jaemin has wanted to hear all along. Mark's words answer all the questions he could have asked. And maybe Jaemin never thought about what was supposed to happen next.
"Is that why you ran away from me for a week and then came back and just... Staying close as long as there are people around?" Jaemin finds nothing better to do than ask a new question. Mark looks at him like he's been punched right now. He takes a step back and shakes his head.
"I don't have to answer that. I don't even want to discuss it. We agreed on everything months ago," Mark covers his eyes, as if trying to catch a connection to a reality where none of this has been said yet. It could have saved them both. Jaemin is absolutely certain that it's slowly destroying them.
"Three," is all he can say. And Mark opens his eyes, stares in bewilderment. Jaemin wishes Mark would look at him again as warmly as only he can. "Three months ago. In case you're wondering".
"I wasn't wondering, I'm trying to forget about it," Mark shrugs, and Jaemin regrets letting himself say anything. It's not fair, he couldn't do this to Mark again. But he does it anyway.
"I did, too. I tried," Jaemin takes a step forward. He feels like he's stepping on thin, thin ice. Just a little more and it will break completely, they won't even be able to look each other in the eye. "I said I wasn't ready for a relationship. And you needed space after that. You know I gave it to you. Did what you asked because you... You agreed with my choice? You accepted it. And I appreciate that, I really appreciate that and that now you're trying to be my friend again. But I'm just".
Jaemin freezes. He can't say it. The ice beneath him is about to break, he's not ready for this. He won't be able to withstand and cope with the current, won't make it out of the water and will stay at the very bottom, immersed in the memories of how peaceful and good he and Mark were around each other for a very short time.
"Just what?" Mark interrupts him – he's really waiting for an answer, and Jaemin, maybe for the first time in a long time, sees hope in his eyes.
"I just can't do this. We can't be friends," Jaemin gives up. He squints and waves away all his thoughts at once – he has so many fears, doubts, hopes, he can't focus on just one thing. All Jaemin probably knows is that nothing will really come of their friendship with Mark. "I don't want to be friends with you. I know what I told you before, I know I pushed you away myself, that it was selfish and wrong. I should have thought before I said anything back then. Maybe I would have realised that I cared more about you than... I don't know what I should call it. But I'd be willing to take a risk just to be with you, because being away from you or being like this right now is really unbearable. If you don't want that, that's okay? I realise I turned you down myself, but as long as we're talking about it".
"If I was a little more aggressive and saw the point in violence, I'd hit you now, you know?" It's like Mark is getting smaller at this moment, he smiles – and it's the smile of a guy who is insanely tired. "I don't want to hit you. I really don't. But all of this. That's an awful lot for one night. I don't know what to tell you, though I'm sure I dreamed something like this because I missed you terribly".
Mark runs a hand through his hair, as if at a loss. Jaemin notes that the thoughts in his head have quieted and the questions have disappeared, as if in response to whatever he decides to say. He wonders if he will regret it in the morning.
"Just pretend it's the beginning of a conversation now, okay?" Mark sighs, finally. He looks up at Jaemin and smiles awkwardly, taking a step forward. Jaemin nods, because yeah, that's a great idea. Maybe the best one tonight, even though he can’t imagine what Mark is going to do next. "Maybe you want to go out with me?"
And Jaemin hoped for that question more than he can admit to himself.
"Yes," he says on an exhale, not sure at what point he was so close to Mark's face. "Yes, please, if you still want to do this. I really want to go out with you".
"Glad we have so much in common," Mark smiles, and Jaemin can still feel that smile as they kiss.