Chapter Text
Unexpectedly for me, but we did talk for a very long time. I’ve never in my life talked like that with anyone. Actually, I’ve never really talked about life with anyone, and maybe Ava noticed it, she didn’t bombard me with questions; she mostly talked herself while I just listened and… and was a little surprised that someone was even talking to me. We discussed our rather sad childhoods, how we ended up working as killers, and what we would have done if life had gone differently. Before that conversation, I never even thought about what I’d like to do. I think I would have gone into medicine. I like studying the human body, understanding how people are made, and thinking that even the scariest, most horrible diseases can be defeated. I’d want to help people. Save lives, not take them. And considering the skills I’ve already acquired, I’d probably become a paramedic or rescuer. Especially, I’d love to pull people out of burning buildings. I know what that’s like and I don’t want anybody to go through it. Or…hm…maybe, if it weren’t for how I look, I’d work as a stunt performer in movies. I have enough skills for that.
Ava said she’d work in cybersecurity or just in IT. I think that would really suit her. I don’t know her that well, but she clearly has a strong grasp of technology. Though, through our conversation, it seems to me she knows everything about everything. I’m a little envious. Living in a laboratory all my life, following others’ orders, she still managed to develop her own personality and individuality. And me… I will never know who I am or what my real personality is. I can copy anyone, but not myself…
– “Hey, did you zone out again? Or forgot I’m here?”
– “Ah… I was just thinking.”
– “And about what, something sad?”
– “How did you guess that it’s something sad?”
– “Well, at least you’re not smiling. You’ve lowered your head, staring through the floor, and your hands are trembling. When people are happy, they behave a bit differently.”
– “That’s just how I always am. I don’t know how to smile; there was never any reason. Maybe…maybe only in childhood. I was happy when they’d buy me something sweet. I loved little candies and I was happy when I ate them.”
– “So it didn’t take much for you to be happy?”
– “I was a child. A child doesn’t need much to be happy…speaking for myself. I only needed attention and a little candy. With attention...I didn’t really get it. My father would buy me off just so I wouldn’t get in the way. I wasn’t needed as family; I was needed as someone, to whom he would pass on his power. He really didn’t want everything he was building to disappear when he died. And he definitely didn’t intend to trust someone else, so that’s why he needed me. Since childhood they told me how special I was and that I was destined for greatness. They said I’d have world domination and power over everyone, that people would die by my will and nothing would happen to me. Back then it all seemed so far removed from my life, so I tried not to pay attention. But as it turned out, they were preparing me for that “role.” And then the explosion and…life became far…far worse than it could have been.
– “I guess I’m luckier than you. At least I have someone by my side…yes...."
– “Now you are sad. Did something happen to that…that someone?”
– “He’s seriously ill. That’s why I went back to working as a killer. I really need money, and I have no other way to earn it. Do you think I like this? Absolutely not. I want to get rid of it. Valentina promised she’d pay a lot and pay right away as soon as I finish all the tasks.... And you…why are you killing again? With your inheritance, as you say, money shouldn’t be an issue.”
– “Valentina promised me something too…she said she’d help me cure my memory gaps. I dream of that. I want finally to stop forgetting. It’s a terrible feeling. And it always hurts…like a part of you has been torn away.”
– “I know that feeling. Like I was helped, but every time I use my abilities, I feel pain again. Again it’s as if my body is torn apart from me and then violently put back together. To put it mildly, it’s an unpleasant sensation.”
I didn’t know what to say. I’m not very good at comforting someone…or with conversations in general. People say the right words come naturally, but for some reason that doesn’t work for me. I didn’t intend to talk about myself, but I also didn’t know what to ask her. And in that moment she interrupted the silence herself again.
– “A bit of a weird question, but… why do you wear a mask?”
– “I’ve worn it my whole life, as long as I can remember. My father was disgusted by my face after the explosion; he forbade me to take the helmet off. Now instead of a helmet, I wear a mask and I try not to take it off either.”
– “You don’t have to wear it all the time. He’s gone, nobody’s forcing you.”
– “I don’t want to look at myself. Can you even look at this?”
I turned toward her fully. In another situation, I wouldn’t have done this, but I needed to prove my point and convince her. I expected her reaction: disgust, revulsion, fear…
But she just kept watching as if she hadn’t seen anything special.
– “I don’t know. I just see more clearly how shitty your life has been. But it doesn’t make me feel pity. Instead, I just see that you’re much stronger than you seem. You’re not easily broken.”
– “Because I’ve been broken for a long time.”
I don’t know why I said that. Just...aaaah, damn, I wish she had turned away from me. Why did she have to say all that? What was I supposed to respond? I’ve only heard insults all my life. I know how to respond to those, but not to the opposite.
– “We’re all broken. But in different ways. And in every crack you can see, what a person has been through, what they’ve endured, and who they’ve become. You’re afraid…"
– “Don’t say that word!!!”
I couldn’t allow myself to hear it. Fear is unacceptable. I don’t have the right to be afraid. I’m a machine, a robot. Robots don’t fear; they follow orders. How could she even think that I’m afraid, it’s ridiculous.
– “All right, all right, don’t get mad. I thought we were just talking casually.”
– “I didn’t plan to talk at all.”
– “Nonetheless…”
– “You barged into my home.”
– “You want me to leave? But if you do, remember we’ve got a joint mission in a few days, so you can’t hide from me for long.”
– “I just don’t understand why you’re here? Why I’m here for you? Why are we even talking?”
– “You have too many questions. You shouldn’t overload your mind like that. Why not just drop the questions and chat about something else?”
– “Because you could be a threat.”
– “Well, if I attack, you’d kill me. I don’t think that’s a problem. But I’m not attacking.”
– “You attack…when you ask questions. As if you’re digging into me. I don’t want anyone to do that.”
– “I’m just trying to learn more about you. I’ve seen you a long time ago. A long time before you started working here. And, to be honest, I was stunned by your skills. And also by your cool resilience, your seriousness, your emotional detachment. It looked really awesome from the outside. And of course I couldn’t miss the chance to talk to you when the opportunity came.”
Suddenly it got even more confusing for me. Someone’s been watching me, and I didn’t even notice. How is that possible…although, maybe it’s possible for her.
– “How do you become invisible? I can’t copy that.”
– “Because you don’t have that power. It’s a consequence of that explosion. You have the ability to copy, and I have…this.”
And she disappeared. Again. But this time I already felt where she was and just followed her, even though in truth I was just looking through empty air. Maybe I just intuitively felt her presence…or maybe I’ve already gotten used to it…I don’t want to admit it, but I prefer the second option.