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1st anniversary with my QPP and I have so many feelings.
Long time (very nervous) lurker, first time poster. It’s me and my life partner’s first anniversary today - but actually the 12th one, because we celebrated each month too. I am grateful every day that I get to share my life with him, and if it weren’t for this community … I don’t think that would have happened for us, so I wanted to say thank you.
I am ace, and somewhere on the aro spectrum … still not quite sure, but lately, I think it’s maybe kinda coming into view. Either way, like most people here, I didn’t know. I saw someone write a comment once where they said they were just kinda waiting for it, like they’d get old enough and get handed these feelings alongside their driving license or their first rental agreement or something, and I honestly relate to that so hard. I was waiting, and then I fucking panicked when it just wasn’t happening for me.
My life partner (we’re in a queerplatonic relationship - this is just what we like to call each other) is actually my ex-boyfriend. We were friends, and one day he said he loves me. I didn’t have a good excuse on hand, so I felt like I had to say yes … and then came the worst six months of my life. Eventually I finally broke down and kinda ghosted him even … I was so on edge all the time and needed a while to feel like my normal self again. And after that came the reckoning of what I had actually done, to both of us. He reached out to me to get some closure, and I’ll never forget the look on his face when he learned that I had basically lied to him, that I never loved him and that I didn’t want most of what our relationship had been. He was so hurt, and I felt like absolute shit.
All of that didn’t make accepting myself or finding out more about my identity any easier … but he forgave me, and he encouraged me to figure things out, and we slowly became friends again, even after everything. And during that time, I found a post on here from someone who just moved into a new house with their life partner, and it made me cry. It was the first time I experienced actually wanting a relationship … and shortly after, I realized that my friend was the one I wanted it with.
He learned all about QPRs with me. We read every blog, listened to every podcast, went through like a hundred posts and comments, anything that I could find. We talked about everything, no matter how awkward or hard it was. He even asked me for a list of things I’m not comfortable with. We went on dates, just … testing the waters, I guess. But from the first date onwards, I knew this was it. I knew he was my person. And one year ago, we called each other life partners for the first time.
In many ways, it’s been really hard. I think any relationship would have been hard for me, but one with a former failed romantic partner whom I’ve already hurt so much … yeah, there were a lot of anxieties and doubts and frustrations along the way. But we kept talking to each other, and we kept reassuring each other, slowly building trust all over again. And now we’re here!
I love reading all the posts where people share new things they’ve learned about themselves since realizing they’re aromantic, so I guess I should share my own too. It feels embarrassing to write it all out like that, but … I am a sucker for physical affection. And it feels so crazy, because it used to terrify me, I would have nightmares about it, but now that I understand what it means to me and that I don’t have to follow other people’s expectations … fuck, I just love holding hands and the occasional kiss on the forehead. And it feels so empowering to say that yes, I do want those things in my own way, and I will define what they mean to me. I don’t know if our relationship is entirely devoid of romance, or if it always will be. But it’s firmly between the lines of how everyone else seems to experience love, and that’s what I’m most comfortable with. And whenever I feel the expectations coming back to box me in, my life partner is right behind me pushing those lines apart so I can breathe again.
I haven’t come out to anyone other than him yet. Partially because I wanted time to get comfortable with my identity, but mostly because it would just … have some implications on how and why our first relationship ended, and we’ve both been reluctant to open that can of worms for all our friends and family. But I want to do it soon … because I don’t want to keep our relationship a secret anymore.
It’s our one year anniversary today, and we’re gonna see the fireworks at a new amusement park opening tonight. He messaged me earlier that he’ll be late because of work, so I’m just sitting here on a bench … writing this … just smiling to myself thinking about when I’ll finally get to see him again. Even though we already live together, and I saw him this morning. I really adore my life partner, I hope you can tell :)
I feel so comfortable and secure in this relationship. And I never thought I’d say something like this. It’s been the best year of my life, and I hope we get a hundred more like this, and I hope that one day, I can come back here to say we’ve bought a house together too.
Thank you so much for helping me find that this is who I am.
“Banri?”
He looked up, seeing Juza’s silhouette against the setting sun behind him, and the whole world suddenly got brighter.
“Juza!” He jumped up, running into his arms for a hug. “You’re here!”
“Yeah, sorry ‘bout that,” Juza chuckled, fixing Banri’s hair before petting his head. “Some corporate party came in, orderin’ drinks non-stop until we closed. I thought I could leave early but Guy-san really needed all hands on deck until the end.”
“It’s fine! It wasn’t a long wait.”
“It was almost an hour?” Juza stared at him, raising an eyebrow.
“Ah, well … I passed the time,” Banri grinned.
“What were ya up to?”
“I made a post about our anniversary … I hope that’s okay?”
“Eh … it makes me nervous thinkin’ all that is out on the internet,” Juza mumbled. “But I know readin’ that stuff from other people really helped ya, so … ‘s fine. I wanna do my part to say thanks too, I hope it helps someone else.”
“I’m sure it will,” Banri nodded, taking his hand. “So … wanna go? I got the best coordinates for the fireworks viewing from Kazunari, apparently it’s right past the marble fountain and up the hill behind the ferris wheel.”
“Sounds good. But we should get food first! Is there anythin’ good?”
“I tagged all the confection stands on the park map,” Banri smiled, handing Juza his phone. “Just pick one … or all of them.”
“Hmm … wanna share a giant deluxe cotton candy?”
“I’ll have a tenth of it,” Banri rolled his eyes, looking at the pictures Juza was drooling over. “And then I might have a sugar overdose.”
“Just take a few bites then … and I’ll get ya some proper food. What do ya want?”
“There’s an okonomiyaki stand right next to the cotton candy place - I’ll just grab one of those.”
“Nah, I’m payin’ today, remember? Let me buy it for ya,” Juza insisted.
“Okay,” Banri nodded, following him into the park. “I’m looking forward to being spoiled!”
With Juza’s wallet a little bit emptier and their stomachs a lot more full, they headed to the place Kazunari had suggested, sitting down in the grass and watching the lights on the ferris wheel spin around while they waited for the fireworks.
It was peaceful … it was quiet … it was almost perfect for what Banri had been thinking about.
“Hey, Juza … happy one year anniversary.”
“Happy one year anniversary to ya too.”
“Are you happy? With how things are between us, I mean.”
“I am. And I hope you’re happy too.”
“I am,” Banri nodded, pulling his legs to his chest and resting his chin on his knees. “It’s been a year and a half … well, not in terms of time, just … the amount of stuff that happened.”
“Yeah,” Juza nodded along. “It does kinda feel like that.”
“... hey … Juza, can I talk about something?”
“‘Course.”
Banri closed his eyes, taking a deep breath and wondering what their relationship will be like in the year to come: almost yearning for the future that was right before them.
“You know … back when I was first trying to make sense of myself, I was really grasping at straws,” he chuckled, tucking his hair behind his ear. “I made a list, and I crossed things off. Demiromantic was one of the first things to go. And apparently a lot of people struggle with that, but I just knew … it couldn’t have been it. I told myself that surely, if that were the case … it would have been you. And yet I dated the person closest to me for six months, and nothing came of it.”
“That’s very to the point,“ Juza smiled. “I like that about ya.”
“Thanks. I think it helped to have that approach at the time, at least I had fewer things buzzing around my head while already feeling totally lost … but a lot has changed since then. And I think my experience of myself is a lot different now. And the way I experience emotional closeness is different too. It’s just this … free and welcoming space for self expression now. Before, it was more like a noose around my neck, or an anvil above my head … some inevitable imperative I was subconsciously trying to guard myself from, because if I get confused, if I question myself, if I dare venture into feelings that aren’t strictly purely absolutely undoubtedly clearly within the specific lines of being platonic … things are gonna happen that I don’t want to happen. Or so I thought.”
“I’m sorry,” Juza consoled him, gently rubbing his back for support.
“It’s okay,” Banri took a deep breath, relaxing the tension building up in his chest. “It’s okay now. It’s just … back then, I don’t think I really understood what it means to have a deep emotional connection with someone. And I concluded I wasn’t demiromantic because of that. But lately … I’ve been reconsidering.”
There had been many comfortable silences between them in the past year - but this wasn’t one of them.
Banri looked to the side, afraid to see what Juza’s expression might be.
But then all he could do was laugh.
“Oh come on, Juza! Don’t give me that look as if it’s gonna be someone else!”
“... oh. Oh, it’s … it’s not someone else?” Juza stumbled over his words, eyes still wide in shock.
“Of course not,” Banri shook his head, crossing his arms atop his knees before resting his head down again, still looking at Juza. “... if it were anyone, it would be you.”
“... oh.”
“Are you still in love with me?”
“Yes,” Juza answered in the same breath.
“... how does that feel?”
“Like the best thing that’s ever happened to me,” Juza shrugged. “Like bein’ a little bit drunk all the time … like I look at ya and my chest feels all funny and my heart could explode. Kinda like that. Sorry, I don’t exactly have the best words for it.”
“Nah, that’s fine. I think that makes sense … the chest part especially,” Banri took another deep breath, stretching out his legs into the grass and straightening up his back. “Because lately, sometimes- okay, this is gonna sound crazy, just hear me out, okay? You know the sound a chocolate bar wrapper makes when you crumple it?”
“The tsktsssrk-tsktsssrk?”
“Of course you know,” Banri smiled in relief. “Yeah, that. Lately … sometimes, when I’m with you … it feels like someone’s crumpling chocolate wrappers in my chest.”
“Huh …”
“And I thought I was just being happy or something, but then, I don’t know why, this one time I just thought what if I’m falling in love? for no fucking reason, and then … well, I kinda dwelled on it, and … it didn’t feel so alien and repulsive anymore. And I thought about what changed, and the only thing I really came back to was just … our relationship, and how close to you I feel, but for real this time … actually being vulnerable and seen for who I am, and how my feelings are … I feel like this has been important for me in more ways than I’ve realized. Even love is a whole different thing now that I can think about it while being comfortable in my own skin.”
“That’s nice …“
“But, you know, ahaha …” Banri nervously laughed, pulling his knees up to act as a shield again. “Objectively, this is still fucking terrifying! Juza, you’re my life partner above all else, I just told a bunch of strangers on the internet that I hope we get a hundred more years just like this one, the last thing I wanna do is risk ruining any of this, or hurting you again … and I wish I could know, I wish I could just sit down and stare at the mirror for five hours and finally know what the fuck I’m looking at, but I don’t, I just don’t, it’s been this long ass journey and all that’s changed is maybe I can kinda make out the mountains on the horizon now? But I have no clue what they’re really like, or if I’ll ever reach them … all I know is how I feel right now, and all the uncertainties it’s plagued with.”
“... so how do ya feel right now?”
Despite wanting to collapse on the spot, Banri pushed onward for the sake of their future: past the lump in his throat, and headfirst into all the feelings that still scared him so much.
“I feel curious about exploring the option of being open to falling in love with you. Like I should make space for it to come to me, and accept it if it does, and I’m maybe even kinda … excited about that possibly happening? But it’s that acceptance part that I’m really struggling with, because … well, I spent over a year being so sure this wasn’t it, I feel like a fool … and like I’ve been leading you on, or am still leading you on … and most of all, it’s that same feeling of fighting between what my emotions truly are and what I feel they should be, the same way I’ve wrestled with all of our displays of affection, but it just feels tenfold worse now that it might be ‘love’ that I need to explore for myself. And I don’t know if there’s even a point. I don’t know if I should try. I’m scared of losing what we have, I’m not unhappy with a queerplatonic relationship, not at all, so why risk a good thing? And I got so attached to you as my life partner, for some reason I feel like … I’d be devastated if we were boyfriends again? I don’t know, I’m sorry if I’m not making any sense.”
“It’s fine.”
Banri looked at him again, feeling emotionally exhausted but once again impressed with how little time it took Juza to process whatever he was going through … almost like he was just waiting to jump in and support Banri as best as he could.
“Banri, is it okay if I hug ya?”
“Mhm … that’d be good right now, yeah,” Banri nodded, slowly collapsing into Juza’s arms and letting Juza pull him into his lap.
He lay against Juza’s chest, tucking his head under Juza’s chin, and life felt alright again.
“... so … that was a lotta words,” Juza sighed after a while. “Thank you for tellin’ me … and I’m sorry if I missed anythin’. First of all, I’m- ya know, not to make this about me, it absolutely ain’t, but just for context: I do still love ya. So I’m happy to hear there’s … maybe an option, or somethin’ … but it also doesn’t feel the way I thought it would. But I guess it makes sense … because I meant everythin’ I said, I’m happy as your life partner and I don’t need anythin’ more. The first time ya said ya loved me, obviously it wasn’t true, but I felt like the world had changed in the blink of an eye. And this doesn’t feel anythin’ like that … I just feel happy about maybe explorin’ more feelings together with ya.”
“... mhm … me too.”
“And, uh … yeah, I don’t think ya should be too hard on yourself, I mean … yeah, you’ve been thinkin’ about whether you’re just aromantic or grayromantic for a year or so, and that feels like a long time, but counterpoint, you’ve spent more than two decades not knowin’ you were on the ace or aro spectrum at all, so ya know … compared to that, a year is … damn, a year is fast! You’re doin’ great, Banri. I’m so proud of ya.”
“... thanks.”
“And ya ain’t leadin’ me on. You’re honest about your feelings, that’s all that fuckin’ matters. We knew they were complicated when we started this.”
“... yeah …”
“As for the rest … I don’t think there’s like … queerplatonic police or somethin’. And ‘life partners’ ain’t some trademarked label either. No one’s gonna come take that away from ya just because your feelings maybe changed a bit. Wasn’t the whole point of a queerplatonic relationship so that ya have the chance to experience closeness and intimacy in all the ways that don’t fit in the other boxes life has for us?”
“Y-Yeah …”
“I think it’s fine to bring romantic love into that too,” Juza shrugged. “I won’t say we have to be boyfriends if ya wanna think about fallin’ in love … that’s just stupid. You’re my life partner, Banri. And you’re my life partner because you showed me that story about the lady with the roommate and the strawberry tart, and then you wanted to be my life partner so much, it just fell out of your mouth. That’s how I knew it really meant somethin’, that’s how I knew ya really wanted it … so ya should feel what ya feel. And thanks for the heads up, I’ll be on the lookout for some romantic stuff, I guess, but I don’t think it changes anythin’ between us. If ya fall in love with me … and those feelings become somethin’ you wanna redefine our relationship around … I think we’ll know when it’s time,” Juza softly laughed, slipping his hand through Banri’s hair. “I think we’ll know, ‘cause you’ll be shoutin’ it in my face like a fuckin’ idiot. But until then … while we’re explorin’ your feelings together, there’s nothin’ wrong with bein’ life partners, I think. I like the sound of that more than ‘boyfriends’ anyway.”
“You’re amazing … you know that, right?” Banri asked, looking up at Juza with tears in his eyes.
“Someone keeps sayin’ it, yeah,” Juza nodded as the first firework went up.
The explosions painting the sky were booming in their ears, interspersed with distant cheers from other park guests. Still, Banri could hear the beating of Juza’s heart - or maybe it was his own - and he hoped that Juza would hear him too.
“Hey, Juza … can I take something off the list?”
Juza just nodded and closed his eyes.
Banri took his time, trying desperately to steady his shaking hands on Juza’s cheeks to no avail.
As the last firework shot up, he asked himself one last time if he really wanted this.
And as a shower of green sparks painted the night sky, the soft tremble of Banri’s lips pressed against Juza’s answered that question for both of them.