Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

As soon as Shin steps inside the house, he is immediately reminded of the last time he had attended a house party with Saint. This time around, however, he doesn’t feel a sliver of anxiety. Like years ago, Saint is beside him. But unlike that time, he is no longer worried about him or what he might do. He trusts him, more than he ever did. Their friends are also here tonight; they are not alone in a crowd of unknown people, nor are they crashing someone’s party. They have both been invited this time. And, this time, it had been Shin himself who had insisted on coming.

Is he a party boy now? Not in the slightest. But this is the celebration of the end of their final year and Shin wanted to be here, because it feels to him like he is celebrating the end of his tribulations, not just his high school career. He would have never pictured himself happy at this point in life. He would have never imagined Saint would be by his side, or that his circle of friends would have expanded this much.

Saint touches the small of his back. “I’m here.”

Shin turns his head slightly. “I know.”

They step further inside the house. They don’t know the owner personally, he is a boy from another class. But he threw this party for every final-year student to attend, so they don’t feel like intruders, walking on eggshells.

“I won’t leave you alone,” murmurs Saint, a hand on his waist. “Don’t worry.”

Shin chuckles. “You don’t worry. I have other friends, you know? You don’t need to babysit me.”

What he means is that he would be just fine if Saint strayed away from him, not that he wants him to.

“But your other friends are not me,” replies Saint, squeezing his hip. The warmth of his hand spreads all over Shin’s body, anchoring him, making him feel safe. Shin doesn’t feel like he has to take care of Saint this time. But he would, if needed. And Saint’s touch feels like his reassurance that Saint would do too, anytime, at any point of this party. Or of their lives.

“Thank God, one Saint is enough,” he jokes.

They find their other friends: they have taken over an entire side of the living room. Some of them are sitting on a sofa, others are drinking and chatting close to the drinks table, others are dancing.

“You made it,” Airy greets them from her spot on the sofa. Eve is sitting next to her, deep in conversation with Tangmay.

“Were you so eager to see us?” asks Saint, smirking.

“We were afraid you wouldn’t come.”

“Shin dragged me here,” Saint informs her. “I had no escape.”

Shin elbows him. “Ohi.”

Saint smiles and touches his arm. “I’m going to get a beer. You want one?”

His tone and the look in his eyes soften Shin immediately. “Yes, please.”

Shin says hello to the other girls, before sitting down on the other side of Airy. He spots Ken, Knot and Nate talking animatedly with Saint over the bottles of beer scattered on the table. Tew and First are dancing with Peeta and Cable. Luckily, the music is not too loud, the room not too dark. They can talk and see each other.

Saint comes back with two beers. He hands one to Shin. “I guess I’ll have to sit on your knees,” he announces before plopping down on Shin’s lap.

“Ohi, Saint, what the fuck?” protests Shin, but he shifts to accommodate his friend.

Saint smiles without a care in the world and clinks their bottles. Airy is looking at them with a slight smirk.

Eve slaps Saint’s shoulder. “Are you too important now to greet your friends?”

“I said hello to all of you! You were talking to Tangmay!”

“You did not,” say Shin and Airy in unison. They snicker afterwards.

Saint pouts and takes a sip of his beer. Shin squeezes his side to show him his sympathy.

They chat over the music, nursing their drinks. Saint keeps moving on Shin’s lap. Shin tries to keep him still by holding his waist, but Saint doesn’t seem to notice his attempts. Saint is not exactly small or light, and Shin’s thighs are bearing the worst of his weight. But he doesn’t have the heart to tell him to find another seat. This would mean…parting from each other.

First and Tew approach them. They are both equally sweaty after dancing.

“Hullo!” shouts Tew, high-fiving Shin over Saint’s head.

First fist-bumps him, almost hitting Saint in the shoulder.

“Am I invisible?” he complains.

“Now you know what it feels like to be ignored,” says Eve.

Saint closes his lips around the rim of his bottle and rolls his eyes.

Peeta hops towards them, Cable in tow. Her fringe is damp, and she looks tipsy. “”Who wants to dance?”

“Saint wants to dance!” shouts Shin, pushing him lightly, as an attempt to make him stand and rest his thighs.

Saint sputters. “Do I?”

Shin pats his back. “Yes, you do.”

The other boy seems to get his hint. “Fine, I’ll go.”

Peeta giggles and takes him by the wrist. Shin massages his thighs. “She seems happy,” he says, addressing his comment to Airy and Eve.

“She is,” confirms Eve, smiling. “I’m so relieved.”

“Aren’t you dancing?” asks Tew, still standing in front of them.

“Do I look like someone who wants to dance?” replies Shin, raising an eyebrow.

“You don’t even look like someone who would attend a party, dude, but here you are.”

Shin scoffs. “You know nothing about me.”

Tew touches his chest. “You wound me.”

Shin laughs and kicks him in the knee. “Don’t worry about me and show everybody your dance moves,” he jokes, glancing at the dance floor. “You wouldn’t do worse than Saint, for sure.”

Saint is indeed giving his worst. Shin shakes his head, an affectionate smile on his face.

“Girls, are you coming?” asks First.

Eve places a hand on her girlfriend’s thigh. “Shall we?”

Airy shakes her head. “No, you go. I’ll be here watching and judging you.”

The other girl laughs and kisses her on the mouth, before grabbing Tangmay to take her to the middle of the room, where everybody is dancing to a cheesy, Western song.

Airy sighs, like she is glad that they have left. Shin prompts her to scoot over, taking advantage of the empty spaces left on the sofa. He looks over to the dance floor, where Saint is dancing with Peeta, twirling her around. Saint turns and catches his eyes. He waves.

“He seems so smitten,” comments Airy.

Shin glances at her and then at his friends. “You think so?”

He knows Saint and Peeta are close, they have always been, and recently, after what Peeta went through, even more. But he has never seen them in this light. His stomach knots.

“He keeps looking at you.”

Shin starts. Oh, she meant…

Airy laughs and pats his thigh. “Don’t tell me you never noticed it.”

Has he?

Shin clears his throat. “I don’t know,” he admits. “Sometimes, when he looks at me, he has this look in his eyes.” He swallows and his eyes dart to the dance floor once more. “Like he is sad. Like he still feels guilty about what he had done to me. Or, maybe…Maybe he is just afraid I could vanish any moment like he did. But I’m not going anywhere. I was never going to go anywhere. He left me, all those years ago. And I can’t say I didn’t see it coming.”

He has never shared these thoughts with anyone. Least of all with Saint.

Airy is gazing at him as if she is assessing him. “Oh, Shin.”

He turns to her. “What?”

“I don’t think…that’s what his looks mean.”

Shin licks his lips. He chugs the last of his beer. “I’m getting another one. You want it?”

Airy nods.

Shin fetches two bottles, all the while glancing at Saint, who is flapping his arms around and pulling ridiculous moves like the jokester he, deep down, really is. His shirt is already sticking to his back, his fringe plastered to his forehead. Saint looks back. Shin lifts his beer to cheer him on. Saint winks.

When he sits next to Airy once again and gives her the beer, he wants to ask her what she thinks Saint’s looks mean, but he doesn’t have the guts.

“And do you know how you look at him?” she asks him, instead.

“Mh?”

“Like you still can’t believe he is yours.”

Shin’s heart skips a beat. “He is not mine.” He gulps down half of his beer, as if he wanted to swallow down this preposterous idea and not thinking about it. What does it even mean?

“Shin, I’ve never seen two people belong to each other more.”                                                          

He shifts on the sofa, uneasy. “What are you talking about?” he mutters.

Airy reaches for him, but she thinks better of it at last. “Look, I’m your friend. I know we’re not as close as I would like us to be, but we’ve been through a lot together. I saw how you were before, and I saw you when Saint came back into your life. And I see you now. I can tell you’re in love with him and I would like you to trust me enough to…admit it.”

Shin closes his eyes and exhales, loudly. Fuck. He hadn’t realised other people could see through him. Can Saint see through him as well?

“Airy, it’s not like I don’t trust you. I haven’t even admitted it to myself, how could I admit it to you?”

Airy finally touches his hand. “You just did both.”

Shin laughs self-deprecatingly.

Saint limps towards them. When he stops in front of Shin and Airy, he extends his hand.

“Did you hurt yourself?” asks Shin, grabbing his hand absentmindedly.

Saint shakes his head. “Nope, just a cramp.” He tugs Shin’s arm. “Come on, dance with me.”

Shin hastily withdraws his hand. “You almost tricked me.”

The other boy laughs. Someone bumps into him from behind: Ken. “Hey, guys, what are you up to?”

Saint trips forward, spilling his beer all over Shin’s shirt. “Ken!” he shouts as Shin yells: “Saint!”

Ken looks apologetic. “I will grab some napkins.”

Airy snickers. Then, Eve comes back, looks at the small space next to her girlfriend, and decides to sit on her. Airy gasps, but her arms wrap around Eve’s middle like second nature.

“Let’s go to the bathroom,” suggests Saint as Shin is wiping his chest, beer sticky on his fingers.

Shin lifts his head. “What for?”

“To clean you up?”

“It’s just beer, it won’t even stain,” reasons Shin. “Ken is bringing napkins.”

Saint leans in to grab his arm. “Come on, don’t be stubborn.”

Shin tries to take his arm back. “Saint, don’t be ridiculous.”

They play this tug-of-war for a few seconds before Eve groans and slaps Shin’s shoulder. “Shin, just go!”

Shin sighs. “Fucking hell.”

Saint smiles triumphantly as he drags him to his feet. Airy taps the small of Shin’s back to encourage him. Their – unfinished – conversation is still fresh in Shin’s mind as he follows Saint to the bathroom.

Saint pushes him inside and closes the door behind himself. “Come on, shirt off!”

Shin’s eyes widen. “What?”

Saint rolls his eyes. “How are you supposed to wash your shirt?”

Shin frowns. “Wash my shirt? Do you want me to walk around naked while it dries?”

Saint tilts his head and smirks. “Why not?”

A blush creeps up Shin’s face. “You can’t be serious.”

Saint inches closer as Shin backs into the sink. “You act like I’ve never seen you naked.”

“You have, but ninety-nine per cent of the people at this party haven’t.”

Saint’s deft fingers grab the hem of his shirt. “You can wear mine while yours is drying.”

Shin looks down at Saint’s fingers curled up around the fabric of his shirt. “So, you will have to go around naked?”

“That doesn’t sound like a problem to me.”

Shin grabs his wrist. “Hell, no.”

Saint laughs in his face. “I smell jealousy.”

Shin blinks. In hindsight, he has overreacted. “I didn’t mean it like that. I don’t want you to flash people.”

“People might enjoy it,” jokes Saint, tugging Shin’s shirt up. His fingers graze Shin’s tummy and Shin’s muscles tense inadvertently. His breath catches in his throat.

He is too dumbfounded to stop Saint. He lets him take off his shirt wordlessly.

Saint stares at his chest until he belatedly notices the shirt in his hands. He clears his throat and opens the tap.

Shin looks down at his chest, scattered with blotches of red, either from the rubbing when he was trying to wipe the beer off, or because of the embarrassment he is feeling.

“Would you?” asks Saint, as he scrubs Shin’s shirt under the running water.

“Would I what?” echoes Shin, leaning against the sink with his hip.

Saint turns his hot gaze on him. “Enjoy it?”

Shin doesn’t know what game Saint is playing. He can’t say he has not played this before, because he has. Shin has always played along, unaware of the rules or the goal. But now, he doesn’t feel like to. Maybe it was the conversation he just had with Airy, or maybe he is just tired of Saint’s mind games. If for Saint this is harmless flirting – friends can do that, can’t they – for Shin is like scratching an itch that would never go away, unless…

“I saw better,” he replies at last.

Saint scoffs. “Better than me?”

Shin rolls his eyes. Saint is letting the water run over his shirt, soaking it. This was never about the stain, just another of Saint’s games. Saint has always liked to assert his power, his control over him, to see if Shin would yield, would follow. And Shin always had, back then, and now. Their dynamic – Sant leading, Shin following – has been restored, but Shin cherished that time when Saint had to run after him. He should have dragged the chase longer. He should have pretended he didn’t actually want to grovel at Saint’s feet for a little more. But after he had told him he loved him – and Shin and Shin only knew what he actually meant – it all went downhill.

The problem is, Shin doesn’t even mind it. As long as Saint is with him, he would take anything. Because Shin won’t ever make the mistake of giving up on him a second time, and Saint will never want to endure the pain of being without him again.

“Why? Do you think I can’t find someone better than you?”

Saint gives him that look, the one he talked about with Airy.

Shin feels naked, and not just because he is. It feels more like Saint can see through him, like he feared. He turns off the tap. “You didn’t wash my shirt, you drowned it.”

Saint keeps looking at him, his eyes straying to his chest and back to his face. “Sorry.”

“Sorry?” Shin chuckles. He takes the shirt from Saint’s hands. It seems like Saint doesn’t care about it anymore, all his attention focused on Shin. Shin squeezes the soaked shirt with both of his hands. “And now what?”

Saint finally averts his gaze. With a swift move, he takes off his own shirt. “Here, take mine. I’ll wear yours.”

“But it’s literally dripping with water.”

Saint grabs the shirt and uses all of his strength to squeeze out as much water as he can.

“Remind me that I should never ask you to do my laundry when we move in together,” jokes Shin, even though exhilaration takes over him at the thought that he will be living with Saint when they will go to university together. It’s a matter of time now.

“We’ll have laundrettes at the dorms,” replies Saint, smiling at him like he is too thinking about the life they will share soon. He spends most of his time at Shin’s nowadays, but it will be different when it will be just the two of them (and hundreds of students, but whatever).

“Still, I don’t want you near my clothes.”

They both laugh as the tension that had built up starts to dissipate. Shin puts on Saint’s shirt, which smells of sweat a little, but mostly of Saint. He smooths it with his hand. Saint wears Shin’s one, which clings to his skin, drawing attention to his chiselled chest and abs. You were right, thinks Shin regretfully, I will never find someone better than you.

When they come out of the bathroom, they find a long queue of people waiting to use it. Some of them eye them suspiciously. Shin blushes and looks down at the floor, mistakenly confirming their assumptions.

Saint giggles, unbothered, and takes hold of his wrist.

“I thought you went to clean Shin’s shirt, not to steal it from him,” jokes Eve when they join their friends again.

Saint shrugs. He looks like he had fallen into a pool, his – Shin’s – shirt uncomfortably sticking to his front and back.

Shin places a hand between his shoulder blades and Saint’s muscles jump. “Saint is terrible at hand-washing clothes.”

Saint raises an eyebrow, his expression contemplative. “You’ve never noticed I am the one washing your football kit after each practice, haven’t you?

The girls whistle as Shin’s body is run by a shiver. “What? My mum takes care of it.”

Saint shakes his head. “Sometimes it’s your mum, but most of the time it’s me.”

“That’s disgusting,” comments Ken, who is perched on the sofa’s armrest.

Saint shoots him a piercing glare.

Shin scratches his head. “Well, thank you? You…don’t have to?”

Saint brushes his hand on Shin’s waist. “I don’t trust anyone else with your kit.”

“Not even his own mum?” asks Knot, standing next to Ken, one elbow resting on his shoulder for support.

Shin clears his throat. “I’m thirsty.”

Airy hands him a bottle. “Here’s the beer you left earlier.”

“I don’t want a lukewarm beer,” he whines.

Saint leans in to talk in his ear. “I’m going to look for something stronger, is that alright?”

Shin pretends to ponder. “I remember you telling me ‘I’m never drinking again’, a while ago.”

Saint flinches. It’s the first time one of them has brought up that night. They have never…mentioned it, after their reconciliation on that Monday of three years ago, on a school bench. “Ok, I won’t drink anymore. I’m done for tonight.”

Shin grabs his arm. “I’m kidding, please go find us something else to drink.”

“Are you sure?” Saint squints as if he is trying to put him into focus.

Shin nods.

Saint comes back with two glasses filled with a clear liquid, ice and a slice of lime. “A gin and tonic for you, sir,” he announces, putting an elbow on Shin’s shoulder.

“Did you make it?”

“No, I asked someone to do it for me. You can trust it.”

Shin sniffs the drink before trying it. He is still not accustomed to drinking alcohol, he has never got into it. He wonders if Saint had kept drinking, when they were apart.

Anyway, it doesn’t taste bad. A little bitter, maybe, but it’s fresh and not too strong.

“Guys, they want to play Spin the Bottle in the other room,” Tew informs them. “Shall we join?”

Shin freezes. He looks at Saint and he can read in his eyes that he is reminiscing that night.

“Do you…?” asks Saint, uncertainty dancing in his features.

Shin’s stomach churns. Will he finally witness Saint kissing someone else? Will he be able to take it gracefully? “You should go.”

Saint grips his shoulder. “Not without you.”

I don’t want to kiss anyone, wants to tell him Shin. And I don’t want to see you kissing someone.

He battles with himself. He loses. “Okay, let’s go.”

“We will be watching,” says Airy, trailing after them.

“Why? Does your girlfriend forbid you from participating?” teases Tew.

Eve slaps him on the nape. “We don’t want to kiss anyone else. Your single ass wouldn’t understand.”

Saint laughs as he touches the small of Shin’s back.

They find out they will play Spin the Bottle with a twist. When the bottle will stop in front of someone, it will become a game of Truth or Dare. Shin will stick with Truths.

Not many people have agreed to play. Most of the attendees chose to spend the rest of the evening drinking and chatting or dancing. Shin hates that his friends had dragged him and Saint into it. This…opens an old wound. His friendship with Saint had survived that night, only to crumble a few months later. But still, he has thought about it many times in the past, feeling the shame and the humiliation for having ruined it for Saint, for his childish behaviour that had surely increased the distance between them. But also remembering the feeling of Saint’s lips, a memory he had held onto for years – a detriment to his sanity as much as a balm for his sorrows.

Saint sits on the floor, dragging him down by his wrist. “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.”

Shin looks at him sideways. “Like what?”

Saint averts his gaze and shrugs.

Shin snorts and turns his attention to his drink.

The game is loud, most of the players already halfway drunk. Shin feels tipsy and he loves how the alcohol is soothing his anxieties. It’s almost like he doesn’t care anymore.

The bottle stops on him. Oh, fuck off.

Saint squeezes his knee. Shin wants to grab his hand and… “I choose Truth.” Saint exhales next to him.

Shin doesn’t know the boy who is supposed to get a truth out of him. He is thinking about it long and hard. “Is there someone you like here?”

Lame.

“No,” deadpans Shin.

The boy frowns. “That doesn’t sound like the truth, drink up.”

What? A penalty?

“Drink! Drink! Drink!”

“I’ll do it,” says Saint, gulping down Shin’s gin and tonic.

“That’s cheating,” complains someone.

Saint smiles at Shin’s bewildered expression.

“Do you really want to get drunk?” whispers Shin.

“No, you don’t, I’m taking care of you.”

Shin blinks. “You finished my drink.”

Saint flutters his eyelashes and tilts his head, almost touching his ear to Shin’s shoulder. “Do you want me to get you another one?” he asks softly.

Shin’s stupid stomach flips. “No, don’t worry.”

A few rounds later, the bottle stops in front of a girl they only know in passing. She spins it and it lands on Saint.

Shin tenses up.

“Truth or Dare?”

Saint casts a sidelong glance at Shin. “Dare.”

Shin grits his teeth. Why does it feel like Saint is daring him to stop him?

“Okay, kiss….” Shin wants to throw up. He wishes he were anywhere else. He won’t – he can’t – stop Saint this time around. Besides, Saint had probably kissed plenty of people in the years they weren’t together. Not that he has ever asked. “I have no idea, just spin the bottle and let it decide,” she finishes.

Saint spins the bottle, which almost – almost  - stops on Shin. Its neck points to Ken, sitting beside Shin.

Shin almost passed out in that split second.

Saint looks disappointed. Ken terrified. Shin feels like laughing.

“What an interesting turn of events,” mutters someone, probably Eve.

Saint kneels on the floor and reaches for the bottle. He moves it to point at…Shin.

What the hell?

“No offence, Ken, but I want Shin to be my second kiss.”

Shin feels hot and cold at the same time. His mouth dries up. He reaches for a glass he knows it’s empty. A piece of ice will do, for now.

Saint is playing his own game again. Shin will not play with him.

“Second kiss? You’ve only kissed one person in your life?” asks someone.

“Who was the first?” asks Peeta. “You never told me.”

Saint swallows as he looks at Shin. Shin turns his head to the other side, ice melting in his mouth.

“What you did goes against the rules,” declares one of the players. “But, fuck it, I want to see this. It looks like a juicy situation.”

Shin stands up abruptly. Juicy situation?

“Shin.” Saint pulls one leg of his trousers. “What are you doing?”

“I don’t want to play anymore.”

“You don’t want to kiss me?” asks Saint, voice whiny, eyes wide. He is probably on his way to be plastered.

One more reason to stop this charade.

“If you didn’t want to kiss Ken, you could have found someone else.”

Saint tries to tug him down. “But I want to kiss you.”

Someone’s breath hitches, someone else gasps. A few people laugh.

Shin takes a step back, then turns to leave. He hears Saint getting up and he knows he would follow. This is an instance in which he doesn’t want Saint to follow.

He cuts through the crowd outside and decides to head upstairs to find some peace, in the hope of throwing Saint off the scent. He takes the stairs two steps at a time and finds himself on the second floor of this unfamiliar house.

“Shin, will you stop and talk to me?”

Shin panics and opens the first door available. He enters and gets enveloped by the dark. The room feels small. He reaches out and touches…fabric.

Fuck, it’s a walk-in closet.

Shin turns to search for the handle but he can’t locate it in the dark. He looks for a switch to turn on the light, but has no luck.

The door opens and a light floods the closet for a second. Saint steps in and the door clicks behind him. “What the fuck is this place?”

Shin takes a step back, his shoulders touching the clothes behind him. Saint takes a step forward.

“It’s a closet,” mumbles Shin. “Can you let us out?”

Saint clicks his tongue. “Are you claustrophobic?”

Shin groans. “No, but it’s dark and hot and…I don’t want to be here.” With you.

“Let’s pretend we’re playing Seven Minutes in Heaven,” suggests Saint, seemingly unfazed by their predicament.

Shin scoffs. “I’ve never played Seven Minutes in Heaven, but it’s more like Seven Minutes in Hell with you.”

Saint cracks up. He finds Shin’s shoulder in the dark and holds onto it. The hangers behind Shin’s back rattle when he tries to step back.

“Why did you run away from me?”

Shin sighs. “I want to get out.”

“Answer my question first.”

“I’m claustrophobic,” lies Shin.

Saint laughs. He rummages in the dark of the closet. Shin hears a click before a bulb fizzles above his head and light shines over them. He squints and covers his eyes.

“Better?” asks Saint, softly.

“This doesn’t change the fact that you’re trapping me inside a walk-in closet”, complains Shin, his patience getting thinner and thinner.

“Trapping? You walked in on your own free will.”

Shin jabs a finger into his arm. “You followed me here.”

“You ran away!”

“Please, don’t shout or you’ll use all our air.”

Saint bursts out laughing. “Oh, Shin, how could I live without you?”

Shin’s mouth thins. “I don’t know, you tell me.”

Saint shifts closer to him. It feels like the room is closing in on them, the air gets thicker. “Why are you mad at me now?”

“Why?” shrieks Shin. “You didn’t want to kiss Ken and you chose to kiss me because it was…safe.”

Saint’s brows wiggle. “Safe? Kissing you?”

“Yes, because we did it before. I saved you once from kissing someone you didn’t want to, and you expected me to save you again.”

Saint’s eyes scan his face. “I’ve never said I didn’t want to kiss that girl. Or Ken.”

This feels like a stab. It punches the air out of Shin’s lungs. “Wow,” he tries to bypass Saint and get to the handle.

Saint blocks him with his body. “Where do you think you’re going?”

“Away from you!”

Saint smirks. “Don’t shout or you’ll use all the air in the room,” he mocks Shin.

Shin is a second away from ripping his own hair off. Or, even better, Saint’s.

The other boy crosses his arms in front of his chest and stares at him, like he had all the time in the world, like they weren’t in an enclosed space with almost no room in between them and little air. “Shin.”

Shin’s eyes flicker to his face. “What do you want, Saint? Do you want me to kiss you in front of those people not to lose face? Do you want to go back to kiss Ken? Do you want to go back in time and kiss that girl? What the fuck do you want from me?”

Saint gazes at him, that look back on his face. It’s unbearable. He looks pained and regretful.

“Do you want me to give you back your first kiss?” continues Shin, perfectly aware that he is spewing nonsense now.

Saint touches his arm. “Shin.”

“What? Shin what?” he roars.

An emotion that Shin doesn’t recognise fills Saint’s eyes. “If I could go back in time, I’d still choose you as my first kiss.”

Shin starts. He moves his mouth but the words get stuck in his throat. All he can do is stare at Saint and wait for him to add something.

Saint looks down at the hand with which his gripping Shin’s wrist now. “And today, I want you to be my second kiss. And I want you to be my third. And fourth, and fifth and…hundredth, thousandth and…” He looks up at Shin’s stunned face.” Well, you got the gist.”

Shin can feel the sweat running down his spine. He takes his arm back. “Saint,” he murmurs, and now he truly feels claustrophobic. “What are you saying?”

Saint gives him those eyes. “You know what I’m saying, don’t you?”

Shin wipes his upper lip. “I never know what you mean.”

“Really? I always wear my heart on my sleeve with you.”

Shin pants. “I don’t get it.”

If this is another one of his games, Saint will pay. But how? How? Shin feels like he would always kiss the ground beneath Saint’s feet, no matter what. He had forgiven him for worse. But would Saint actually play with his feelings like this? What for?

Saint touches his fingers to Shin’s. Shin jumps out of his skin and looks at him with a plea in his eyes. Please tell me this is true.

“Should we come out of the closet?” asks Saint.

Shin’s brain short-circuits. “What?”

Saint muffles a laugh. “You’re sweating,” he says, brushing the back of his hand against Shin’s forehead. “Let’s get out of here and find somewhere else to talk.”

Shin swallows, his mouth parched. “Oh, okay.”

Saint takes him by the hand and guides him downstairs and out into the garden.

Shin looks up at the sky and draws a deep breath in, relieved to be in the open air. He shivers a little when his damp skin comes into contact with the cool night breeze.

They’re not alone in the garden: some people are smoking, a few couples are making out on the grass.

The garden swing is miraculously free. Saint drags him there and invites him to sit.

Shin plops down in the furthest corner, like he doesn’t trust himself to be too close to Saint. Saint, however, sits right next to him, as if letting him escape isn’t an option. “Do you feel better? Do you want me to fetch you some water?”

Shin licks his lips. “Yes, please.”

Saint pats his thigh and gets up.

Shin is itching for a cigarette, especially after smelling other people’s smoke. But he doesn’t have any. Besides…

He thinks about kissing Saint and his heart starts pumping so fast and so loudly that he almost gets scared.

“Here.” Saint offers him a tall glass of water. Shin chugs it and finally realises it’s because of the alcohol he has consumed that he was so thirsty.

He looks at Saint. “Are you drunk?”

Saint sits down, very close again. “No. I’m not a kid anymore, I can hold my alcohol.”

Shin snorts. “It comes with experience, I guess.”

Saint grimaces and Shin knows that his blow has landed. Instead of scolding him, Saint scoots even closer. “I never told you but…”

Shin senses that this is not a continuation of their conversation in the closet, but something else entirely. He doesn’t know what he fears the most.

Saint touches his pinkie to Shin’s one. Shin keeps his hand still. “For a few months, after we stopped hanging out, I…used to drink a lot.”

Shin freezes. He…didn’t expect this. “Saint.”

He feels for Saint, he really does. Especially thinking about tonight’s jabs. Or the way he cruelly compared Saint’s behaviour that night to the one of his alcoholic father.

“I don’t know, it was the only thing that I knew it would soothe my pain. And it did,” continues Saint. “But, I knew it wasn’t the best way to deal with it and luckily I managed to stop.”

“I’m sor-”

“Don’t tell me you’re sorry,” interrupts Saint. “It was all my fault and I deserved it.”

Shin’s face contorts. “Fuck off,” he spits. “Allow me to be sorry for you. You have no idea how many times I wondered back then how you were feeling, if you were doing well. I shouldn’t have wanted for you to be doing well, but…”

Saint touches his hand. “It’s okay, I’m doing well now.”

Shin takes a shaky breath in. “What did you mean when we were in the closet?”

Saint smirks. “Be more explicit. What are you referring to?”

Shin pinches his thigh. “Saint, I swear…”

The other boy giggles. “Okay, okay, but can I ask you something first?”

“Not fair.”

“Please?”

Shin sighs. He is buzzing with impatience, adrenaline, hope, desperation. He needs to know if he has understood Saint’s words. He deserves to know if – “Ok, shoot.”

Saint touches his own lips, betraying his jitteriness. “Why did you kiss me that time?”

Shin is taken aback. He dries his sweaty palms on his trousers. “I didn’t want you to kiss a stranger.”

Saint raises an eyebrow. “Try again.”

“What? It’s true!”

“Wrong answer, penitence!”

“Penitence?”

Saint laughs and slaps him on the back of his head. “Here!”

Shin bats his hand away. “You’re crazy!  I didn’t want you to waste your first kiss like that!”

Saint lifts his hand, ready to strike again. “I’ll give you one more try.”

The other boy grabs his wrist. “Saint,” he warns.

“Shin.”

Shin growls. “Okay, okay, I was jealous,” he admits. To Saint and to himself. It took him three years to figure it out.

“I knew it!”

“If you knew, why did you ask?”

Saint beams. “I didn’t know back then, I’ve just realised it.”

Shin elbows him. “Does it change anything? The past is in the past.”

“Sure, but…” Saint searches his eyes. “You still are. You didn’t want me to kiss Ken.”

“I didn’t want you to kiss me!” protests Shin.

He is a liar and he knows it.

“Try again.”

“Fuck off,” Shin snaps. “Why don’t you tell me why you wanted to kiss me tonight?”

Saint blinks slowly. “I always want to kiss you, not just tonight. Sorry, wasn’t what I said in the closet clear enough?”

Shin has to close his eyes to let it sink in. He wipes his hands on his thighs once again. If this is not real, he is going to dig a hole in the ground and crawl inside it. Or bury Saint in.

“Shin, do you know why I want to kiss you?”

“Why?” croaks Shin.

Saint gazes at his face, that look that Shin had mistaken for guilt or fear revealing itself as longing, yearning. “Because I’m in love with you.”

It feels like being close to a furnace, the way Shin’s body is invested by the heat. “Oh, fuck.”

Saint snorts. “Is it so bad?”

Now, Shin feels icy cold. “Do you mean it?”

“Of course I do,” whispers Saint, his fingers clenching and unclenching like he can’t wait to touch Shin. Within a second, his bravado seems to vanish. “But if you don’t feel the same, it’s okay, Shin. I can take it. I made you do things you didn’t want to do in the past and that ruined everything. No, wait, no, I ruined everything. But I promise I won’t ruin this. Whether you want me as a friend or a boyfriend, I won’t ruin our relationship. I will respect your decision, and I will always, always take care of what we have.”

Shin drinks some water, even if he would rather splash his own face with it. “Will you not disappear on me again if I reject you?”

Hurt flickers in Saint’s eyes. “I’m not going to lose you again.”

Shin twists the knife. “Will you be able to live your life next to someone who doesn’t want you? Who might find someone to be with, one day?”

Saint’s eyelids tremble. “I’ll always be your best friend.”

Shin looks up, afraid that tears would spill from his eyes. When he glances at Saint again, the other boy looks crushed. He went too far just to test him and now he regrets it. 

“What?” asks Saint, intercepting his gaze.

Shin smiles. “You’re making me want to kiss you.”

Saint starts. “A pity kiss?”

Shin bursts out laughing. “A love kiss.”

Eyes wide and body still tense, Saint reaches out to touch his arm. “A friendly love?”

Shin giggles and shakes his head. “A…love love?”

The other boy watches him in disbelief for a second.

“I don’t want you like a best friend, Saint.”

Saint grabs his face with both hands and kisses him. Shin finds out he had not forgotten the way Saint’s lips feel, as brief as that kiss was, on a drunken night, three years ago. But now he can properly taste them, they feel even better.

Saint leans forward as Shin moves backwards, their mouths still connected. Shin wraps his arms around Saint’s middle as Saint exhales into the kiss. It feels raw, clumsy, messy, but wonderfully right.

“Not bad for a second kiss,” he jokes when Saint stops for air.

Saint’s eyes caress his face with so much adoration that Shin can only regret not having sorted this out sooner. Saint has always looked at him with unrestrained want, the same way he has always looked at Saint. But they probably had to get to this moment for everything to fall into place.

“I meant what I said, Shin,” he murmurs. He is so beautiful when he looks vulnerable and all serious. “You were my first kiss, and now you’re my second. Will you be my third, and tenth and thousandth and…I don’t  know what’s after that…but, anyway. Will you?”

“Are you okay with kissing only one person for-?” The rest of your life, Shin almost says.

Does he dare to dream this far?

Saint smiles. “I’m more than okay with you being my first and my last kiss.”

Shin touches the back of his head and draws him in. “We’re only on our second kiss, I say we should hurry up if we want to catch up.”

Saint’s lips brush his. “I completely agree.”