Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

If there hadn't been the chill of winter biting at his nose, Taiga would have believed it was just his vivid dreams that were pulling images from his memories to create the scene before him.

Hokuto had trimmed his hair since they last spoke. The bangs that would often fall just over his eyes were now neatly placed just below his brow.

It was still early in the morning and Taiga could see the puffs of clouds leaving his mouth as he spoke. If they hadn't been there, Taiga wasn't sure if he could've convinced himself it was truly his words that came from them.

“Kyomoto…”

“... Will you have lunch with me?”

There was the wash of deja vu in his words as Taiga stood there, feet away from their office building door in the early morning with nothing to say.

Last time he was asked this question, he had basically tripped over himself to say yes. Yes, absolutely. Whatever Hokuto asked was worth spending that time with him. But since then, Taiga had made the definitive choice to leave all his pathetic desperation behind.

He stopped following him and stopped seeking his gaze. Their communication was strictly contained to work by Taiga's own choice, though it wasn't hard to maintain. He stopped saying good morning to him and stopped hoping to ever hear a reply.

But what was he supposed to do when Hokuto suddenly approached him?

Something inside him told him he couldn't say yes. He couldn't. He wouldn't. But in his heart, there was something that refused to let his lips form the word “no”.

Well, if his voice wouldn't work, then at least his legs still did.

He turned to walk away.

He would just pretend he didn't hear anything, that it never happened. Just like everything else.

Everything would go back to normal.

“Kyomoto!!”

Out of all the things he had remembered, he had forgotten how strong Hokuto’s grip was when he grabbed his arm.

Hokuto pulled him back, making him stumble as Taiga was made to face him again.

The expression Hokuto wore confused him.

Such a concerned face shouldn't have been worn for a person he disliked…

The eyes that narrowed with worry soon wandered as their gaze met before they settled on the space between their feet.

Taiga didn't understand.

They were supposed to be on two paths that never crossed again. He had made the mistake of forcing their lives together and as compensation for his sin, he untangled and tore them back apart. That was supposed to be it. It was supposed to end there. There wouldn't be any more of their path together that they shouldn't have had from the start.

Yet, Hokuto stood in front of him, his grip trembling on his arm before it loosened.

“... Please…”

“... If you don't want to, at least tell me no…”

“Why?”

That's all Taiga could bring himself to ask. Hokuto didn't seem to really have an answer, but his lips stumbled to form a reply.

“I– I wanted to thank you,” he said quickly.

“For what?” Taiga asked.

“For work— for whatever, just—...”

It had already been long enough that their co-workers had begun to file into the building themselves to start their day’s work. They walked by with sleep still in their eyes from the early morning, passing around them as if they were no more than an obstacle in their way to the warm indoors as Hokuto’s words trailed off.

They stood in silence amongst the quiet exchanges of morning greetings passing around them before Hokuto finally let him go.

When still under the potion's spell, he had seen Hokuto cry and beg for him to stay.

Now, as he watched the pinch in Hokuto’s brow relax and the determination in his eyes fade into resignation, it somehow felt so much more lonely seeing him quietly give up while his arm slipped out of Hokuto’s hold.

“... If you hate it that much, then it's fine…” His voice barely reached above the morning chatter around them.

“... I won't ask anymore… I'm sorry.”

No. That wasn't what it was.

Taiga didn't hate it. He wasn't sure he could hate anything about Hokuto. He just had too much pride to suddenly give into that soft voice once again. He had worked so hard to steel himself and flush away the feelings that stuck to him like a stubborn stain. Avoiding Hokuto let him get rid of it, scrubbing it out just a little more wash after wash, but much like a stain, it persisted. When Hokuto spoke to him, Taiga knew no matter how light the stain was, it was still there.

Taiga couldn't hate Hokuto.

He hated the thought that Hokuto might believe he did.

“I’ll go.”

The gaze that Hokuto had let fall to the ground flickered back up.

Hokuto bowed deeply, thanking him. The formality of it all, made Taiga’s stomach twist as he turned to finally enter their building.

It would be just one more time.

Just once.

Hokuto picked the restaurant. It was nothing special. It was a quiet family restaurant close to the office with a large selection. They were led to a booth in a far corner before they sat in silence and quietly selected their meals.

Hokuto hadn't said a word since they left the office for lunch. The elevator ride and the walk was so quiet that either of them could have been believed to be mute until they both spoke to the waitress individually to make their orders. Even as they waited, Hokuto didn't speak, with his hands in his lap across from him with the light pop music playing over them. It made Taiga begin to wonder if he really made the right choice saying yes.

After all the times of only receiving silence from Hokuto, he began to believe this was some form of revenge, that this silent meal was meant to ingrain into his mind that this was all he would ever have with Hokuto.

Every so often, Taiga would catch Hokuto staring. Their eyes would only meet for a second before Hokuto would look back down at his meal. His mouth would open as if to say something, but each time, it was only occupied by another bite of his simple hamburg steak.

Meals were finished quickly when no one spoke. What could have easily been half an hour to forty minutes with good friends was reduced down to a mere twenty as the both of them were left with only their empty plates. Still, neither of them spoke. It was hard to understand what the true purpose of all of this was. Was Hokuto just testing his own mental constitution or was he just some kind of sadist, begging him to eat with him only for their lunch to have been equal to eating alone?

In the end, it didn't really matter.

Their payment was to be done at the kiosk at the front. Taiga took his receipt to pay, but as he rose, a hand grabbed him to keep him in his seat.

Hokuto wasn't looking at him.

His eyes were covered by his thick bangs and what was left was obscured by his glasses. Taiga was left frozen, awkwardly stuck between standing and sitting as he waited for Hokuto to finally force out his first words since this morning.

“K–... K-Kyomoto—...”

“I–... I—... Y-you…….”

Hokuto spoke as if he only just learned how to make words. Whatever he wanted to say was having a hard time coming out as his grip squeezed around his wrist.

Though, once Hokuto made his tongue work, his words hit Taiga like a wall.

“I—... About you– I– um…”

“... Will you–... go—”

His voice was quiet and meek. It couldn't have been weaker or any more helpless but it made Taiga’s body flash hot before completely draining and leaving him cold.

He felt sick. His stomach flipped, churning to the point it was close enough for him to almost lose his lunch he had just finished. Cold sweat formed on his skin as a ringing grew rapidly louder in his ears.

Whatever Hokuto had left to say, he didn't want to hear it.

“Shut up.”

Hokuto’s hand tightened as he flinched, finally raising his head.

“K-Kyomot–?”

“Don't say anything.”

Taiga coldly spoke, briskly snatching up both Hokuto’s and his own pay receipt before swapping their grips and dragging Hokuto out from his booth seat by his arm.

He knew he was using cruel words. He saw the panic and pain in Hokuto’s eyes before he quickly pulled him to the kiosk to pay for both of them at lightning speed and took them both out the front door.

This wasn't right.

This was wrong.

This wasn't how it was meant to be.

This wasn't how it was supposed to be.

All of this should have been fixed. Everything was supposed to go back. All of it was supposed to disappear like it didn't happen with its only remanence being his memories. He had made sure Hokuto’s cup was empty. He was even careful to make sure the vial was drained of every last drop before stirring it into the dark coffee.

He made sure to do everything right.

So why was this nightmare happening all over again?...

He had thought he had left his sins behind him as he pulled Hokuto down the city street with him. He knew he would never feel guiltless but he thought he could have at least lessened the blow by making everything right.

There was only one person who could correct this, but when they reached the familiar wooden fence, there was no opening, no cobble path or door.

There was nothing. Where there was once a peculiar shop encased by concrete buildings was only more of the same wooden fence. No matter how many times Taiga walked up and down the same block, nothing changed. Nothing came to him. The entrance never appeared and the sick feeling only grew stronger as he cursed.

“No… No– I swear it was here before—!”

“Shit… Shit–!!”

He wasn't mistaken. Everything was the same except for the smoke-filled shop. The buildings around the space were all the same, even the crack in the concrete path had the same meandering shape before parting and breaking the singular slab into three. It was here. There wasn't a single doubt in his mind that it had once been here. Even when he looked between the crack in the slats, all he could see was an overgrowth of weeds.

Hokuto must have thought he was insane, watching him walk back and forth looking for something that wouldn't show up, but he couldn't bring himself to care as the untempered feeling of desperation was taking over. He didn't know what else he was supposed to do. The hand that was once guiding him had abandoned him leaving him helplessly alone and powerless in an arena he didn't understand.

He was lost.

The moment Hokuto began to speak back at the family diner, the recall of their first dinner together in the carefully selected restaurant nearly winded him. Taiga stopped him from finishing his sentence because he knew how it would end. He didn't want to hear it. The first time, it had made him so happy. To hear those unbelievable words from Hokuto made tears come to his eyes and made him weep pathetically. It felt so unreal to feel Hokuto’s affection, because it wasn't. It wasn't real.

Every inch of him wished he had never taken that potion as he clumsily typed out a piss poor reason to Juri why both him and Hokuto wouldn't be back in the office today before grabbing Hokuto’s wrist again.

Hokuto wasn't supposed to love him.

All they were supposed to share was an awkward air and uncomfortable silence.

To Hokuto, he should have stayed the same as the air that passed mindlessly through his lungs.

There was nothing Taiga wanted more than to be loved by him, but he would rather be hated with true honest feelings than having a love that never came from Hokuto from the start.

He didn't care where his bag fell when he threw it on his apartment floor to kick off his shoes and yank open his cabinet doors, abandoning Hokuto by the entrance.

For some sick reason, he had kept that vial like a murder keeping their murder weapon to remind themselves of what they had done.

“Kyomoto– Wait, can you at least tell me what's going on–?”

Hokuto spoke but Taiga didn't hear him.

Bottles and cans were shoved aside and out of the wooden shelf as Taiga searched. If things fell, he didn't care as he clawed past them to find the little bottle he wanted to leave behind in the past.

Maybe by some chance, maybe there were a few drops left inside he had missed. If he could get those last few drops, then maybe this could all be fixed. The moment he spotted that cork top, he ran to the kitchen sink to fill it with water before shoving it into Hokuto’s hand.

“Drink it!!”

“W-wait!! Kyomoto–!” Hokuto began to protest, but he was too weak to resist as Taiga pried open his fingers to fit the vial against his palm.

“Just drink it!!” Taiga yelled again, trying to force the bottle to Hokuto’s mouth.

“Wait—! Stop—”

Every second the world passed in this state, it was in disarray. It was malformed in a fashion that was made only to fit his own sick and selfish needs. It wasn't fair to Hokuto, to his true love, to himself, and his own love. He had ruined the man in front of him. He had taken his free will and manipulated his emotions just because he couldn't handle his own trivial heart break. He might as well have killed him with his own two hands. He felt terrible. Awful. The guilt made him sick enough to throw up.

He didn't want to live like this.

He didn't want to live in a world where a Hokuto untainted by his sick feelings didn't exist.

Taiga couldn't fathom the thought of living the rest of his life knowing Hokuto would just be a shell of who he was as he pushed the bottle against Hokuto’s lips.

“Kyomoto!!! Please– Just talk to me!!”

He should have never wished.

He should have never prayed for something he couldn't have.

“No!!” Taiga shouted back.

“I can't!! I won't!!!”

“It was never supposed to be like this!!!”

“I should have never made you drink that potion!!!”

“I should have never made you love me!!!”

“You don't love me!!!”

“Just drink it!! I'm begging you–!!”

“Kyomoto—!”

“Please—!!!!!”

Taiga couldn't keep his voice steady anymore. All the regret and guilt had built up high enough to reach his throat, making him choke. He didn't want to cry, but his eyes burned as his hands went weak, letting Hokuto take the bottle from his grasp.

He rubbed his eyes on his sleeve. He already looked so pathetic after dragging Hokuto around town and forcing both of them to skip work unwarranted. Tears would only make him look more worthless than someone who would submit to the temptations of something like a magic potion.

“... Kyomoto?...”

Damn it. Somehow even at a time like this, the softness of Hokuto’s voice still made his heart squeeze. He couldn't bring himself to look up at him as he hid his crumpling face in his own hands.

Hokuto’s hand felt hot on his shoulder as he tried to steady his shaking lungs. The quiet after the chaos was so deafening it made his ears ring. There were only the sounds of last drops of water falling from the kitchen faucet that wasn't fully closed and his ragged breath.

Gently, Hokuto broke the silence, his thumb pressing into the seam of Taiga’s shirt.

“... Kyomoto… If I promise to drink this… Will you just answer me one thing?...” he said.

Though Taiga hesitated, he nodded.

It didn't matter what Hokuto asked or how he responded, if drinking the rest of the bottle fixed everything, then Hokuto would forget it all.

“... Kyomoto… What you said earlier… About the potion and stuff… You said you should have never made me um—… you know…”

“... Would–… it be wrong to assume… that you have feelings for me?...”

In the fit of everything, Taiga couldn't say he even remembered exactly everything that came from his mouth, but the details didn't really matter. Whether he said something like that or not, Taiga silently nodded his head again because Hokuto was right. It was true. He had deep disgusting feelings that he couldn't take back. They made him do horrible things a stronger person would have never dreamt of doing.

There were a million different ways Taiga imagined this confession going, but this wasn't one of them. In the worst way possible, he had made a fool of himself, showed his weakest self and even ended up in tears. Even a man under a spell would be disgusted.

In every situation, Taiga didn't expect to suddenly be wrapped tightly in Hokuto’s arms.

He blinked, tears still falling from his eyes and soaking into the shoulder of Hokuto’s suit. Taiga’s arms were awkwardly pinned against his chest as Hokuto buried his face against the curve of his neck.

Immediately he was raveled back up in that painfully familiar scent when Hokuto’s careful hand cradled his nape, leading him closer against him.

“M-Matsumura—”

“... Kyomoto…”

“... You don't know how happy that makes me...”

He could feel Hokuto’s heart pounding. His words were honest and even then, Hokuto wasn't the type to joke around about such things. Taiga wanted so badly to melt into these feelings and let himself stay in this comfortable warmth, but his words were honest months ago too.

Taiga shook his head.

“No. Matsumura– you don't understand. You don't feel this way. That potion– It made you love me. I gave it to you–”

He tried to push Hokuto away, but he wouldn't let go. Instead, his hold only grew tighter.

“When? I don't remember drinking anything from you.”

“In the elevator. When you were sick— I said it was cough medicine…”

There was a pause before Hokuto let out an “ahh…”, that preceded a soft laugh. The way it gently rumbled in Hokuto’s chest irritated Taiga enough to find the strength to finally shove him away.

The last thing he wanted was to be made fun of.

He knew what he was saying sounded ridiculous, but he was serious. Hokuto was still under the potion’s control and whatever feelings he had were still made of plastic. He was still smiling when they parted. Seeing Taiga’s grimace, he tried to hide it but Taiga still caught a glimpse of it before Hokuto tried to rub off of his lips with the back of his hand.

“... You said you would drink after I answered your question. So drink it.” Taiga pointed at the bottle in Hokuto’s hand as he spoke frankly, dashing whatever sweet mood had settled before.

With this, it would all finally end, Taiga hoped.

This would end the nightmare that lasted too long.

Hokuto nodded as looked down at the vial before grasping the cork fastened in its mouth.

“I’ll drink it.”

It opened with a pop.

“... But… Before I drink this, I just want to say that I remember that day. It was the worst cold I had had in a long time. The medicine tasted terrible and it didn't help at all, but…”

“What I want you to know about that day is…”

Hokuto shut his eyes before putting the glass to his lips.

“I liked you long before then.”

Taiga’s eyes widened as he watched Hokuto throw his head back and all the contents drain from the small vial in an instant. Hokuto’s Adam's apple bobbed as the fluid went down his throat and bobbed again to swallow the last drops that fell from the glass lip.

This time, Hokuto’s eyes didn't grow hazy and no parts of his body showed signs of sleep like the first time he drank what were originally the contents of the bottle. Just a heated gaze as the blue vial was placed back into his hands, completely empty.

Taiga was speechless.

He didn't understand.

“... I must be dreaming.”

“... You're not dreaming,” Hokuto replied.

“Then I must be dead. Or in a hallucination.”

“No… This is all very real.”

Taiga ruffled his hair.

“No! It can't be! You hated me!”

“I–...” Hokuto stammered. “I never hated you—”

“But you never spoke to me!”

“I was just being a coward—-”

“You were so cold to me—! You didn't even look at me! You even ran away from me!!”

“I-I know— I just… I wasn't strong enough–...” Hokuto said. “I… I was just afraid—”

“Of what??”

“I don't know— I—”

“Am I scary?”

“No–”

“Was I threatening???”

“No–! I–”

“Was I mean to you??? Did I intimidate you?? I don't–”

“No!! I was afraid of my own feelings for you—!!!”

Hokuto let out a heavy sigh as he tried to hide his face in the crook of his arm, though Taiga could still see his ears that had grown bright red.

“I was afraid of falling deeper for you.”

Someone like Taiga would never love someone like him, he believed. Someone who shined so brightly shouldn't waste their breath on someone so plain. Someone so lovely deserved more than some pathetic whelp of a man who couldn't be honest with his feelings.

He didn't want his love that would never blossom feed on the false pretenses of hope through small exchanges. He wanted their relationship to remain at the level it would always stay. He never wanted to wish for something more. Things were fine the way they were, but the moment he realized he missed those quiet good mornings, he knew he was already in too deep.

The intent of his confession was to end it all, to finally receive the dreaded rejection that would smother his feelings with spite and regret, but things didn't go exactly as he had planned.

As Hokuto explained, Taiga just stood there and listened quietly with the vial still resting in his hand. When Hokuto finished, Taiga still didn't speak, letting a quiet drag out between them.

Taiga stared down at the empty bottle with its cork loose from its mouth.

Everything was still so unbelievable.

The seeds of doubt were planted so deeply within him, he couldn't believe any of it to be true, even when it came straight from Hokuto himself.

“... Matsumura?...”

“... Yes?” Hokuto said, his face still hidden in his arm.

“... What exactly do you like about me?”

Silence fell over them again before Hokuto slowly lowered his arm.

“... Everything.”

Taiga wanted to laugh as he shook his head.

“No. That's impossible.”

“Why?”

“You can't love everything.”

“Why not?...”

After evading each other for so long, their eyes met.

Hokuto’s brow creased as Taiga stared at him with a bewildered gaze.

“It's just not possible. Even the most loving couples don't love everything.”

“So?”

“It's not possible to love everything. I'm a messy person, you know.”

“I know.”

“I eat whatever I want and don't restrict myself.”

“I know.”

“I like to eat out and I don't like to cook. I don't sort my laundry and I leave things on the floor. I sometimes fall asleep before brushing my teeth and I sometimes don't take my garbage out at the right time—”

“That's fine.”

Taiga sighed before taking in a deep breath to argue again. “You see, what I’m saying is—”

But he was disrupted by the hand that pressed gently against his cheek.

After the months together, Taiga thought there was nothing left in Hokuto’s eyes to know.

There were nights when he laid awake, trying to count every eyelash or memorize the deep brown of his irises before they kissed. He thought if he had the skill, he could draw Hokuto’s eyes to the finest of details.

Yet, suddenly, he felt like he knew both everything and nothing at all.

There was something different in the depths of Hokuto’s eyes. Something heavy and sticky that clung to him like liquid sugar. Something that felt like once it took hold, it would never let go.

At first, it scared him. It was pulling him in faster than he could comprehend. It was burning him up and scorching him in a way he didn't know was possible, but as he sunk into it, it wrapped him in an incredible heat.

They were eyes that wouldn't lie. They wouldn't lie to him and the words that came with them wouldn't say anything else but the truth.

“I love all of it.”

“The worst parts of you are still you. The messiness, the clumsiness. Without any of it, it wouldn't be you.”

“I love you.”

“I love everything.”

He wanted to kiss him.

As Taiga placed his hand over Hokuto’s, he wanted nothing more than to kiss him.

He thought it was a sensation he would never get to experience again. When he had said his final goodbye, he thought for sure that would be the last.

Hokuto was drawing closer too. Their noses bumped as he felt the heat of Hokuto’s breath on his lips.

Taiga thought his heart would beat out of his chest.

And it did.

Though, it wasn't from a kiss.

They were still standing at the entrance of his home. The knock on his door followed by the chime of his doorbell was much louder when standing right next to it.

It made Taiga flinch. Instantly, his panic reflexes kicked in, making him sharply shove Hokuto out of the way as a voice announcing the arrival of a delivery came from behind the door. He hadn't meant to push Hokuto so hard, at least, not hard enough to send him crashing into the opposite wall. By the time Taiga had realized what he had done, Hokuto was crumpling to the floor, holding his shoulder as another knock on his door came again.

Taiga’s mind was stuck at a crossroads, caught between answering the door or helping the man he had just suddenly injured. His impulse was to help Hokuto, reaching out his hand to help him, but when the doorbell rang again, his brain stuttered and changed directions again.

“Fuck—! Sorry– I just— damnit, hold on– I'm so sorry—”

He probably couldn't have looked any more suspicious, yanking open his door to the shocked delivery man, but only opening it wide enough where it was more than obvious that he had something to hide.

His signature had never been messier as he scratched it onto the delivery slip, giving the poor worker hasty bows of thanks before nearly snatching his package from his hands. In his mind, Taiga apologized to the confused man just trying to do his job from behind the door, but the minute it was shut, the box was discarded on the floor to heave Hokuto onto his feet from under his arm.

He dropped them both down on his couch before shoving Hokuto’s suit jacket off his shoulder and unbuttoning the cuff of his shirt.

Hokuto was hardly able to edge in a word before Taiga was rolling up his sleeve.

“Are you okay?” He asked, ignoring the flustered look on Hokuto’s face.

His arm looked okay, but Hokuto still winced when he had pushed his sleeve all the way up to his shoulder.

“Yeah– I'm fine—-”

“Are you really?? You're acting like it hurts.”

“When you push that hard, it hurts–”

“So it does hurt—”

“It doesn't that much, but if you push right there it— Ow—!!!”

When Hokuto swiped away his hands that were roughly massaging the spot that would bruise tomorrow, Taiga finally drew back. With the abrupt sense of haste and panic broken, Taiga just sat and watched Hokuto as he gently rubbed his shoulder.

His hands retreated to his lap as he quietly mumbled “sorry”.

Hokuto shook his head, returning with an equally as quiet “it's okay”.

“.......”

Taiga wasn't really sure what to say now.

The mood had been so intense just before it was suddenly interrupted that it was odd to try to bring back what wasn't easily recreated. They were about to kiss. There was no way they could pick up right where they left off without it being strange.

Though, Taiga still wanted to kiss him.

He didn't think this would be the way he would end up regretting his careless online shopping habits.

If only it had arrived just a bit later…

But this wasn't the time to mourn over it now.

If he didn't say something soon, he would regret this moment too.

“.... Uhh–” “Um-”

Their voices collided when they both suddenly chose to speak.

Frantically, Taiga gestured to Hokuto. “You go ahead—”

“No, it's okay. It's not important. You first,” Hokuto waved back.

“No, I interrupted you– you speak—”

“Really it's okay. You can go—”

Japanese courtesy really was the worst when it came to this kind of thing. They could go around in circles forever if they wanted to, but to break the endless cycle they were to be trapped in, Taiga spoke first.

He sighed, gripping his hands together.

“... It was really nothing… I was just going to ask again if you're really okay…”

“Ah um–.” Hokuto rubbed the spot again before dropping his hand away. “Yeah, it's fine… Maybe there will be a bruise but— ah- I just mean to say it's not a big deal, it won't hurt in a minute…”

“I see… Then that's good… Sorry.”

“N-no, it's really alright…”

It had been just past noon when they left the office for lunch, but with the winter months, the sky outside was already beginning to dim. Taiga hadn't bothered flipping on the lights when he first burst into his own apartment. Now that it was reaching the afternoon, the room had grown darker as the sun began to set.

Somehow, the growing shadows amplified their solitude as they sat together in the small space with low voices.

It made the beating of his own heart louder in his ears as he watched Hokuto’s fidgeting profile beside him. He saw how his bottom lip puckered gently as his teeth bit at the inside of his cheek before they parted to speak.

Taiga really didn't think he'd ever see Hokuto this close ever again.

“... Can I ask something?”

Taiga nodded.

After what he did, it was the most Taiga could do. It wasn't much, but he could at least be honest.

“... Have we kissed before?...”

Taiga nodded again.

“... I'm sorry.”

“No– don't be sorry. If I didn't want to know I wouldn't have asked, I was just–...” Hokuto trailed off.

“I–... I'm just a little frustrated…”

“Hm?”

When Taiga looked over again, Hokuto was holding his face in his hands. It made Taiga worry. Maybe Hokuto felt assaulted by that fact and he had every right to feel that way. He had taken advantage of his hypnotized mind and couldn't consent himself, but all of Taiga’s stirring thoughts halted as Hokuto let out a deep sigh.

He took off his glasses to rub his eyes against his palms.

“... That's not fair…”

“... Huh?”

“We’ve already had our first kiss, but I don't remember anything…”

Taiga couldn't help but sputter out a laugh.

Wow. So Hokuto was this kind of romantic, huh?

Well, maybe he could have guessed. He already dated him once before.

“D-don’t laugh–!” Hokuto spoke up, but it only made Taiga laugh more.

Hokuto leaned over, grabbing Taiga’s shoulder to shake him, but Taiga couldn't stop as he covered his mouth with his hand.

Taiga was essentially pinned against the armrest by the time his laughter began to subside. Hokuto’s face had nearly become completely red as he lowered his head with a defeated expression with his hands tight on his shoulders.

“Sorry, please don't make that face…” Taiga chuckled. “I was just so surprised that, out of everything, that's what worried you the most.”

“Is that weird?”

“Mm? Kind of?”

Taiga chuckled again when Hokuto’s fingers tightened into his sleeves.

“It's okay, though… Don't worry.”

Their eyes met as Taiga reached up to brush back Hokuto’s dark bangs. Hokuto’s brows were pinched and his eyes showed signs of moisture, but Taiga just smiled.

“The whole reason I let you go was because that person wasn't you.”

“So we haven't kissed yet.”

That night, Hokuto didn't kiss him.

He just embraced him tightly and told him he wanted to make it special.

“I want to be better…”

Taiga laughed, nuzzling against Hokuto’s shoulder. “Are you competing with yourself?”

“If you're saying we’re different, then I don't want to lose to him.”

For a while longer, they let their hearts fill up in each other's arms until they both decided it was time for Hokuto to return home. They still had work tomorrow and Hokuto needed to prepare for an early meeting. Before Hokuto left, they traded numbers and another tight hug before saying goodbye and spending the night alone.

Taiga was by himself when he sat down to eat his simple meal. It was quiet and solitary as it always was, but he didn't feel lonely.

As he picked out the last few grains of rice from his bowl of rice, his phone pinged with a message.

When he unlocked his phone to view it, several rapidly followed after.

Hokuto:

If you are possibly available this weekend, can we see each other?

Hokuto:

Only if it's no trouble. We can just stay at your house if that's better.

Hokuto:

Or my place.

Hokuto:

If that's better.

Hokuto:

Whatever works best for you.

Taiga smiled.

He set down his chopsticks and typed out a reply.

Taiga:

No need to be so formal lol.

Taiga:

I'm happy to do anything as long as it's with you.

Conversely, even when alone, he had never felt more loved.

Not even months with a silly little love potion could compete with the last few hours.

What Hokuto envisioned as a perfect first kiss was over nighttime rooftop scenery after dinner and a few drinks. Yet, this was the first time he learned how bad Hokuto was with hard drinks.

At the beginning of the dinner, he saw how Hokuto’s hands were shaking. As the night went along, they grew steady, but his ears grew more and more flush. By the time they had reached the viewpoint, his cheeks were red and his shoulders were loose as he leaned in, missing his lips and kissing his chin. They would laugh about it later, but it was a bitter topic for a while. Hokuto refused to talk or reflect on it at first, but Taiga wouldn't have wanted it any other way.

It was perfectly imperfect as he helped Hokuto make contact with his lips the second time around.

Their relationship had its bumps. Hokuto, despite his face, was particularly insecure. He had a certain refined skill in making everything and anything a personal complex. Taiga wasn't exactly perfect either. He was quick to learn that his impulsive and scattered personality didn't exactly suit many people aside from himself. There were days where they fought and argued about how laundry should be organized and when it was late enough to warrant a call, but it was okay. Those days were far and few.

What was on his mind were all the days in between.

Taiga’s feet slowed as he reached the stretch of old wooden fencing, oddly placed within the city.

All the good days were nearly indistinguishable from back then, the days Hokuto didn't remember.

Hokuto was sweet and patient even when Taiga didn't deserve it. Even when he complained, he would sigh and smile sweetly after as they organized the laundry together. Taiga often wondered if Hokuto loved him too much. Sometimes, he would hit Hokuto on the shoulder after he kissed his temple to signify the end of their argument. He would tell Hokuto that he should still be mad but Hokuto would just laugh.

“It's fine,” Hokuto would say.

“I like this part of you.”

It was hard to be upset with someone who loved him like it was as easy as breathing. Even when he tried giving the cold shoulder, Hokuto would still tell him goodnight and hold him as they slept.

Taiga stood before the fence, staring at the wood panels that had grown dark and worn with age, the morning traffic passing by his back.

He had scoured the corners of the internet for anyone who knew of the woman in the smoky shop in the middle of the city. What he could find never satisfied him. All the stories only sounded like folklore and fairy tales when Taiga knew what he had seen and experienced was very much real. The stories spoke of a time witch who only granted her appearance to those who needed her and none that sought her ever found her.

It seemed like no matter what he did, he was out of luck. The woman would never open her gate to him again, but it wasn't that Taiga was looking to mess with magic or potions ever again. No, his time with small glass vials and bottles was left behind him. All he had was just one last question to leave him with some ease.

Was it okay to believe this is all real?

Was it okay to believe this happiness was something he made himself and that this love Hokuto had for him was true?

Hokuto said he loved him before the first potion, but could someone like Hokuto really love him this much?

When under the influence of the potion, the unconditional affection seemed reasonable but when it was real it felt like it shouldn't be.

Last time, that woman appeared before him right when he needed her.

If he had made a mistake with the last potion, would she really not appear before him again?

Taiga sneezed as the morning breeze cut through his clothing. He shuddered from the chill, but they all melted away when a warmth brushed his neck.

“Aren't you not wearing enough? You'll get a cold.”

When he turned towards the touch that moved to his cheek, he found Hokuto standing beside him. Though it was covered by his tall collar, Taiga could see the peek of his soft smile behind it.

Taiga let the gentle fingers linger against his skin for a moment longer as he spoke before easily waving it away.

“The weather report said it would be warm today.”

“But the mornings are still chilly. It's not completely spring yet.”

They bickered back and forth in front of the old worn down fence, their argument carrying no real weight. Taiga knew Hokuto was right about his choice of jacket this morning, he was just being stubborn instead of admitting it.

Hokuto knew too, smiling as Taiga huddled closer to use his body as a shield from the wind.

“What are you doing out here anyway?” He asked while their shoulders bumped.

“Mmm… Just looking for something,” Taiga replied.

“Did you find it?”

He shook his head.

“No…”

“But I guess I don't need to anymore.”

Taiga ignored Hokuto’s confused look before rounding about him and pushing him in the direction of their office. Hokuto’s feet stumbled at first but quickly caught up to the pace being set for him, leaving the long stretch of fence behind them.

“Kyomoto?” Hokuto said, glancing over his shoulder to the man pushing at his back.

“Hm?”

“Good morning.”

Taiga blinked, pausing before he laughed.

Maybe there was a mistake with the potion, but the thought only came because Taiga was so happy.

It didn't feel fair to be so happy, but with only an old worn down fence to be found, maybe it was okay.

It was okay to be happy.

It was okay to believe it was all real.

Taiga thought it was impossible to love everything, but Hokuto proved him wrong with each day.

Taiga buried his face against the back of Hokuto’s collar, feeling the laughter vibrate in his body.

After all, he loved everything about Hokuto too.

“Good morning, Hokuto.”