Chapter Text
Life quickly got busy after they parted. Tours, interviews, paperwork… It left them with barely any time to text, much less meet up again. Keeping a relationship private when you’re famous is near impossible, yet somehow, they manage to keep a low profile most of the time. And while they can’t go on dates publicly, that doesn’t mean they can’t go on dates at all. This exact thought is what led them to an abandoned building, some train station that’s been out of use since the 80s, on the outskirts of the city they’re currently in… Simply passing time before they have to part again. The night sky is clear, stars blinking, scattered in constellations across the ink canvas that is the vast void above them. Moonlight bathes their bodies in a soft hue as they rest on the edge of an opening in one of the walls, where they can only assume was once a window. Joost is sitting. Tomas is standing, absentmindedly smoking a cigarette. It’s a warm night. The cicadas are singing, there’s a light breeze circling around, as if promising trouble like a tornado. The topics, flowing freely between them, are nothing serious. All about making music and career life, not about feelings. Not even a single “I missed you”. They’re not touching. This time, the distance feels cold.
“Hey.” Tommy finally perks up at the sound of Joost's concerned voice. “Do you think… We’ll last? You know… You have been a little distant lately. We’ve been dating for three months already, and… I guess I just… want to know if you actually imagine a future with me.” He sits down, face painted in sorrow. ”Be honest. I want to know where I’m standing. Are you in love? Or do you find yourself thinking “why did I do this to myself?” when you reflect on our relationship?”
“I don’t know.” Tomas shrugs. But it’s an obvious lie… One that’s easy to catch immediately. Just one glance from his partner gets him tense. Tense enough to keep talking… Trying to find justification for his actions. “Scientists say the first three months of a new relationship are what’s considered a… “honeymoon phase”.” It’s a painfully obvious, desperate attempt to soften the blow that’s about to come. “Where you’re still hiding your flaws. Where you’re still trying to act your best, trying to fit into the mold of a perfect partner. Where you’re still… Pretending. Where you’re still… getting to know the other person…”
“So what? Do you no longer desire to be with me after you learned about my past and flaws?” Joost looks up at him and spits out a response, hissing through his teeth with a bitter smile.
“You know that’s not what I meant.” Tommy replies, annoyed, grinning maliciously as well. “We both need therapy… Hey, no, don’t look at me like that. I didn’t say “you”, like last time. I said “we”.” He shook his head and stomped out the flame of a still smoldering cigarette butt under his shoe. It felt like a weird metaphor for their relationship. A soft gust of wind tousled his hair and made the loose shirt hanging on his chest move along with it. “I don’t think even couple counseling would help us. This whole relationship had a… quite rotten start. It was weird. Twisted. Casual, yet emotional. We had problems back then, too. And labeling… Whatever is between us didn’t solve anything.” This time, he was expressing his thoughts truthfully. With a deep sigh, harsh words leave his mouth. “I’m not sure if it were love or fascination that drew me in. But that doesn’t change the fact I acted far too… Hastily. And I regret it now. Don’t get me wrong, I still love you. I love you so hard it hurts… It hurts me to know that I can’t give you what you need. It hurts me to know I should be treating you better when I just… Can’t.”
“Well.” Joost is… Quite frankly, stunned. He expected to hear as much. Yet it’s still surprising to hear just how… self-aware and blunt Tommy is. Both with him and himself. This is a perfect example of the “no bullshit” attitude people keep talking about. There is room for self-reflection and change, but there’s also room for acceptance. That this is who he is and he’s not willing to change. “I guess… It’s been a long time coming… And I think that, deep down, I knew it would end like this, but I was willing to accept the future that brings pain as long as it brought me pleasure back then, in the moment. To be blissfully arrogant is to be free.”
“I’m sorry it had to end this way.” There is remorse in Tommy's voice. “But… There’s a lot going on in my life currently. And I know I’ve been neglectful of my duties as a boyfriend.” He looked down again. “But… Maybe, just maybe, there is an alternate ending we can follow.”
“Do you have something in mind?” Joost raised an eyebrow.
“I’ve been thinking about something… A lot. For a while now. That’s why I brought you here today.” Tomas sighed. “I know life is tough. And I know you’ve been thinking about a… Way out. I can’t blame you, because… It’s been on my mind, too. And I may not have a ring. I won’t propose. But I have a question for you.” He held out his hand to him, gaze sharp and sparkling under the soft light, with such vulnerability it would break even the toughest heart. “Joost.” He says his name the same way his mother used to, soft and loving. “Would you like to meet your parents?” That simple innuendo was a brutal yet beautiful, subtle way to ask about death.
There was a moment of silence between them, before Joost hesitantly took his hand and stood up. With a final kiss, Tommy took a step back, pulling him into his embrace one last time.