Chapter Text
As much as Katsuki is trying to ignore it, shit’s been weird.
Now that he’s cried on the old hag’s shoulder like a toddler, he really can’t ignore his fuck up anymore. Originally he was hoping he could just lay off Deku for a bit, maybe just try not to be too dickish and then eventually shit could go back to normal.
Okay, maybe not exactly back to normal but at least he wouldn’t have to actually be nice to the nerd.
The problem is that his mom knows now…and that he made himself cry over Deku of all people. He can’t just pretend it never happened and move on because there’s a fucking witness. A witness who keeps pestering him.
“How’s Izuku doing?”
If he has to hear her ask that one more fucking time he’s going to explode her through the wall.
“Fine…just like every other time you’ve asked,” Katsuki responds with gritted teeth before stomping to his room.
It’s been a couple of weeks now since his little meltdown and the hag has not stopped trying to check in on Deku, like it's become her sworn duty to protect the runt her evil son decided to mess with. It’s getting old fast.
Especially since Katsuki’s really fucking mad.
He’s mad because he’s confused. He mainly leaves Deku alone at school, just letting the nerd do his own thing and it’s been working out fine. Sure, Deku doesn’t really have any friends of his own and some people are still assholes, but no one’s been even close to as physically violent towards him as Katsuki had been. He’s mostly left to do his own thing.
And that should be enough, right? He’s doing enough. He shouldn’t have to do more for the loser, it’s not like he’s trying to atone for the sins of his past he’s just…trying not to keep fucking up.
But apparently, that’s not enough for Deku. He’s started interacting with Katsuki at school. He’s not saying much, just little things like “Hi” in the mornings, but now he’ll smile at him in the hallways and call out to him in the lunch line when he sees him.
It’s annoying as hell because it makes all the extras stare at him like he’s grown another head. Like Katsuki’s some freak of nature and the thought that he may be polite is as unthinkable as an alien invasion. Plus it takes everything in him not to give in to the instinct to snap at Deku when he smiles or talks to him.
He’s still slowly but surely trying to bully his brain into believing what Deku told him – that he never once pitied him, and that he feels nothing but admiration towards him. It’s hard and confusing and oh so fucking annoying and it’s exactly why Katsuki’s so mad. What makes him even more pissed is that every time he tries to sort out his emotions everything just gets jumbled up and more annoying .
He knows he’s annoyed because he was wrong – that will always make him mad, and having to admit it just makes it worse. He’s annoyed because Deku is just annoying. He’s always a little bit too much and it’s hard to deal with, especially when Katsuki’s head is already a mess. Having to deal with the judging glances of the extras at school is infuriating and he hasn’t talked to his so-called friends in weeks, so their constant presence and attempts to hang out with him are making him fume. Plus he’s got his mom breathing down his neck which is putting him on edge which in turn makes it harder to chill out which makes it easier for him to snap which makes it harder to be nice to Deku which is the whole reason his mom’s even up his ass…
In short, it just fucking sucks.
Katsuki’s mom knocks on his bedroom door, interrupting his thoughts. “Heads up, I’ve invited Izuku and Inko over for dinner. Make sure your shit’s presentable please.”
She leaves and Katsuki has to take a deep breath. He can already feel his palms growing hotter as his patience dwindles.
That’s another thing, hanging out with Deku. He hasn’t hung out with him since the last time Deku invited him over and he can’t lie, he’s been avoiding it. It’s much easier to just avoid Deku after school and shut him out than admit to himself that hanging out with him is adding to his growing confusion.
When they hung out Katsuki had fun …What the fuck is he supposed to do with that? He and the nerd had fun and they weren’t even being forced to hang out together. Deku is supposed to be an annoying nerdy crybaby and he is, but apparently when no one’s around to breathe down Katsuki’s neck and he can’t fall back on his old false preconceived notions…he can have fun with Deku. It’s that fact that’s really been throwing him through a loop.
Katsuki looks around his room. It’s clean enough, not like they’re eating in his fucking room. He lets out a few small crackles from his palms, trying to burn off some excess sweat before he’s forced into more impromptu alone time with Deku.
—
Auntie walks in with a covered tray of deserts that’s probably way too sweet and Deku awkwardly shuffles in behind her. He looks around a bit and it reminds Katsuki of the fact that Deku probably hasn’t set foot in his home since elementary school.
That fact shouldn’t be shocking considering it’s literally Katsuki’s fault, but it does shock him for a moment. Reluctantly or not the two used to spend almost every waking moment together before they just…stopped. It’s odd to realize that his home is a place Deku is now unfamiliar with.
Katsuki stays standing by the entryway to the kitchen, leaning against the wall with his arms crossed. He tries to ignore his thoughts as Deku takes his shoes off, slipping on the guest slippers and walking further into the house.
He huffs and looks away as the old hag brings Deku into a side hug, roughly messing with his hair as she starts asking him how he’s doing. He doesn’t notice that Deku slipped away until he’s standing in front of him, awkwardly waving to catch his attention.
“Hey Kacchan!”
Deku looks uncomfortable. He’s shifting a bit on his feet and not really meeting Katsuki’s eyes. Looks like the nerds noticed how he’s been avoiding him. It shouldn’t bother him, because it really is not his job to monitor the nerds’ feelings and baby him like his mother, but his awkwardness is making Katsuki uncomfortable too.
He doesn’t move off the wall but he flicks his eyes up to meet Deku’s, nodding his head in response to the greeting. “Nerd. The hag’s not done with dinner yet.”
Deku nods. “Alright, I guess I’ll just-” He motions back towards where his mom is sitting on the couch, turning to walk back.
“Hell no,” Katsuki interrupts before he realizes that asking the nerd to hang out with him would be really weird. He doesn’t want to encourage him to hang around him more than he’s already been trying to. “Uh, I mean, if you wanna sit out there and listen to Auntie and Pops talking about how they peaked in high school be my guest but…uh…the hag bitched at me about making sure my room was clean, so…”
Katsuki’s annoyed at himself for not being able to just man up and ask Deku to hang out in his room. He can feel his cheeks flushing a bit and it’s so fucking humiliating, especially since it’s not even like he wants to hang out with him, he just feels obligated to.
Deku smiles at the implied invitation. “Thanks Kacchan! Yeah, I’d much rather hang out with you!”
Katsuki smirks, pushing himself off the wall without a word and walking towards his room, knowing Deku’s following. Of course the nerd would want to hang out with him, he’s the best.
Confidence now back in full swing Katuski flops onto his bed, glad to be away from making idle small talk with the adults. He knows he can get away with his escape too because he brought Deku with him so his mom can’t yell at him for not “bonding,” or whatever the hell she wants them to do.
Deku sits himself down on Katsuki’s desk chair and looks around the room.
“Wow, Kacchan, your room’s changed a lot.” Deku’s big dumb eyes get even bigger when they land on some of Katsuki's old All Might figures.
“Tch, ‘course it has nerd. I’m not 3 anymore.”
Deku just nods, continuing to look around. It’s fine for a minute but then the silence gets uncomfortable. They’re both just sitting there, Deku looking around, Katsuki now realizing that he’s probably just trying to avoid eye contact. It makes him feel stupid, like Deku’s trying to not look a bear in the eye after he’s entered its cave.
“So, you wanna do anything or are you just gonna stare at the walls?” Katsuki asks, taunting.
“Oh, uh, sorry Kacchan. Maybe we could play that All Might game again? You said you have it too, right?”
“Sure nerd.”
—
Katsuki cannot sleep. Dinner ended hours ago, Deku’s long gone, but he can’t bring himself to sleep.
This is ridiculous, he’s always in bed by 9 at the latest, usually falling asleep shortly after. The longest he can remember willingly staying up recently was 10:30 and that was only because he got a little too invested in this one hero forum that he’s begrudgingly spent way too much time on – not that he’d ever admit that to anyone.
But here he is, 1am and still not asleep, and it’s all stupid Deku’s fault. Well, and the hags too considering the only reason Deku was at his house at all was because of her, but still.
Katsuki’s pissed, he’s tired but his gut is swirling with guilt, a feeling that’s annoyingly becoming all too familiar. And it’s stupid too! Dinner went fine! The nerd was happy, Auntie seemed more relaxed, hell, he barely even yelled at the hag! So it should be fine because literally everything went fine.
But it’s not fine. It’s not fine because it was fine…alright that doesn’t make any sense but Katsuki’s sleep deprived, sue him.
The problem is he didn’t hate it. He didn’t hate hanging out with Deku, honestly it was just as fun as the last time he played the game with him. Deku could actually hold his own and he’d get too invested in the game to worry about saying the wrong thing so they could actually have a fun back and forth of fucking with each other.
And dinner was totally fine too. The yelling was minimal, Auntie didn’t cry, he and Deku only got mildly embarrassed by the dumb childhood stories their mothers told. It was fine.
And that’s why he can’t sleep, because this could have been happening for years, hell this could have never stopped happening if Katsuki wasn’t such an idiot. And that’s a hard thought to grapple with.
Katsuki’s been called many things, but never stupid. He’s a straight A student, he can cook, clean, hell, his mother even taught him to sew. He picks new skills up easily, learning is second nature to him. Sure, he may be brash and he may be mean, but he’s not an idiot. Except maybe this time he was.
Maybe this time he wasn’t as smart as he thought he was. Maybe his ego got in the way of him actually using his brain and thinking like a rational person. Maybe if he took just one more minute to think instead of acting out as a whiny brat he would’ve never made Deku feel so….whatever.
This is dumb. It’s the middle of the night and Katsuki needs to sleep.
…
Fuck this, so what if he fucked up? He’s allowed to make mistakes! He was a kid for christ’s sake and regardless of if Deku was actually well meaning or not, he was still annoying. Plus, it’s not his job to monitor other people’s feelings. It’s not like he was trying to push Deku that far.
…
But he still did….Damn it! This is stupid and confusing and Katsuki is so fucking exhausted. He fucked up, alright, he knows that, but he just can’t stop thinking about it because everytime he’s forced to hang out with Deku and he doesn’t hate it, it just makes him spiral.
He rolls over, clutching his blanket tight to his chest and smooshing the side of his face into his pillow.
He just needs to sleep. This is dumb, Katsuki’s not stupid, he just made a mistake. Sure, he hurt someone, someone who yeah, technically maybe didn’t do anything wrong, but…heroes make mistakes all the time, right?
He can…he can come back from this. Heroes are allowed to fuck up.
…
Yeah, it’ll…it’ll be fine.
Katsuki takes a deep, ragged breath. He shuts his eyes tight, trying to force sleep to come. A single tear escapes his scrunched eyes and he shoves his face into the pillow, taking another deep, shuddering breath before slowly succumbing to sleep.