Chapter Text
“Hey Tae,
I brought you more flowers. They’re tulips this time, that’s what the lady recommended. She said tulips represent perfect, enduring love between partners. Bit ironic isn’t it? But it’s also pretty perfect too, I guess. I hope you like them.
The woman at the flower shop, her name’s Lee Hyeon by the way, I think you’d have liked her, Tae. She reminds me of my grandmother a bit. When I was buying the flowers for you she asked me how you were doing, god talk about unexpected questions and I realised she still thinks you’re alive.
I know I should have probably told her the truth that you weren’t but I couldn’t bring myself to. It’s like I wanted one person who didn’t know you were dead. It’s so nice being able to talk to someone about you without the sadness, without the pity. I know you would have hated how people no longer smile at the mention of your name, how no one laughs about you anymore, how all the good times now seemed clouded with grief. I know you wouldn’t have wanted that. You always hated causing other people any kind of pain or heartache.
I remember when you were in hospital at your very worst, nothing but skin and bone, you would always smile even when it was so obvious you were in an incredible amount of pain. I hated seeing you suffer, hated even more how you pretended it was nothing, which only added to your suffering. I hated that you had to try so hard to be strong even when we should have been the ones being strong ones for you. I hated that you felt like you had to carry that burden and that you refused to let anyone help you. Tae, I know it's way too late now but you didn’t have to carry it alone.
Fuck.
I remember toward the end, when you were almost unrecognizable anymore, when you had wasted away to practically nothing. I remember how the nurses let me stay in your room at night ‘cus they knew you didn’t have long left and I remember sitting in that chair by your bed pretending to be asleep. But I wasn’t Tae, I was awake and I was watching you, watching how you acted when you thought you were alone. And I watched the forced smile slip off your face and I saw the way you looked at me when you thought I couldn’t see and fuck, Tae, it broke my fucking heart. Still does honestly.
Then you started to sob, but quietly so you wouldn’t wake me. I watched you cry and it wasn’t that pretty kind of crying that happens in movies, where one tragic but elegant tear gracefully falls down someone’s cheek, no it was real and it was ugly and bitter and afraid and I should have reached out to comfort you Tae, God knows you needed it but- but I was a coward. I knew the minute I ‘woke up’ you would wipe away your tears and pretend like it was nothing, you would smile at me, maybe even force yourself to laugh a little and you would act like you weren’t terrified out of your goddamn mind. Act like you weren’t scared you were fucking dying.
Fuck, why did you feel like you couldn’t share that with me? Why did you feel you had to suffer alone? I don’t care if the pain crushed me, I would do my best to carry it for you.
I think that’s my biggest regret, not reaching out to you that night, letting you sob alone as you faced your own mortality. Thinking of how utter alone you must have felt that night and all the other nights you cried alone kills me. Sometimes in my dreams that scene plays out before my eyes. I’m sitting in a chair watching you sobbing, you're face contorted and deathly pale as you shake uncontrollably but I can’t reach out, can’t comfort you. I think that dream will haunt me forever and I think I deserve it.
You were so strong Tae but you didn’t have to be. No one expected you to be happy, no one expected you to smile all the time. I remember asking you one night if you had any regrets and you just said that you regretted all the people you’re death was going to hurt, that you regretted all the pain you were causing your loved ones, causing me and that you regretted that you weren’t going to see all the beautiful things the world has to offer.
The world is still beautiful Tae, but it’s definitely less beautiful without you.
You were such an amazing soul. I don’t think the world deserved you. I know I didn't.
I can’t talk about you with any of our friends anymore, not yet anyway. It’s like we all have scars and the mention of your name tears them wide open and if we talk about you too much we’ll all bleed out. I hope someday we can talk freely about you, without any hints of regret or pain, because I know that’s what you would have wanted, that it’s what you deserve. But please be patient Tae, I’m sure that day will come, we just need time to let the scars heal a little.
That’s why I didn’t tell Hyeon that you’re dead, I hope you understand. I laugh about you when I talk to her Tae and it’s wonderful. I can tell her about you and all the good times we’ve had without having to mention how they all came to a far too abrupt end.
God, I’ve missed smiling when I think about you, I’ve missed that light feeling I always used to get when I Think of you. I know that’s what you would have wanted, so while I feel bad hiding it from her I can’t tell her, not yet anyways. I guess I’ve always been selfish like that.
I was selfish that night when I didn’t reach out to you, when I let you cry all by yourself and I’m being selfish now. Please forgive me that.
I’m moving out of our old apartment, Tae. Part of me can’t bear to leave it, after all it was out home for two years and everything there reminds me of you. But it’s too big now, Tae, it was a place made for two and I don’t think I can live there by myself. I know I'm being a fucking hypocrite but I can't stand being alone.
I’m moving back in with my parents, at least for a little while until I find somewhere more suitable. I’m going to miss our home Tae but I think I have to move on and admit that it’s not our home anymore, it’s just a building with too many memories, too many ghosts.
I’ve been working on some songs with Yoongi and it’s nice. I’d forgotten how freeing the process of making music can be. I write songs about you Tae, tons of them. I read somewhere that we live on in books and paintings and songs and I hope that, in some way, you or at least a part of you can live on in this music. Even if the song isn’t about you I can still feel you in every melody I write, ever note, every bar it’s like you’re ever-present.
It's also difficult. From time to time I’ll find myself thinking, ‘oh, this song would suit Tae’s voice really well,’ only to realise you aren’t around to sing anymore. You used to love to sing and I swear I could have listened to you forever. You had one of the most soothing voices I’ve ever heard Tae. I hope wherever you are, you’re still singing your heart out.
I think that’s pretty much it for now, oh I almost forgot, I’m meeting with your mom next week. We haven’t spoken in too long, not since the funeral and I know, I know I promised you I would look after them and I will. It’s just that I haven’t been able to find the right words, it’s like I look at them and the only thing I can think to say is ‘he’s dead, he’s not here anymore,’ because that’s the only thing that matters anymore.
But I promise to be better, if you could only think about other even when you were dying then I can keep my promises. I’ll let you know next week how it goes. I miss you and I love you. Always have, always will.”