Chapter Text
Their final conversation was still replaying in Lin's mind as he got out of his cab and made his way through the neighbourhood. He smiled as he walked, busy using his phone to tell the OBC group chat about the good news.
Then he stopped before the door to his apartment. His actual apartment.
He slowly pushed open the door and crept in, as if he wasn't meant to be there—he wasn't, not anymore. Not when he'd spent the evening lost in Jon's arms, forgetting for a few precious hours that this life, this family, existed. The living room was dark except for the warm glow of the lamp beside the sofa, the one Vanessa always left on for him when he had to come back late. She must've tucked the kids into bed already, probably making excuses for why Papa wasn't home for bedtime stories again.
He was pouring himself a glass of water when he heard the creak of the loose floorboard by the hallway. His blood went cold. He turned to see the small silhouette of Sebastian, dressed in his favourite puppy-themed pajamas, clutching his iPad against his chest.
Lin softened immediately despite the panic clawing at his chest.
"Hey Seb, did I wake you? I'm sorry I got back so late."
"Because you were dancing with Uncle Jon?"
Lin froze.
Sebastian stepped forward and raised his iPad above his head. On it was a video of two men dancing in the middle of a crowded room, bodies pressed close, moving together like they were made for it.
It was unmistakably them, just a few hours ago.
Lin felt his world tilt sideways as he stared at his own face on the screen. He cringed at the bewitched, unguarded expression he wore as Jon twirled him around the room.
"There-there's a part in Jon's show where he comes down and invites an audience member to perform with him." Lin tried, his voice growing weaker with each word. "He just happened to choose me this time."
Sebastian's eyes, so much like his own, bore into his. "The comments say you're in love with him. They say you should divorce Mom."
"Seb-"
"Mom cries when she thinks I'm not looking!" Sebastian screamed, bursting into tears. "She pretends she's okay but she's not, and it's because of you! Because you don't love us anymore!"
"That's not- Sebastian, that's not true-"
"Why is this happening to us, Papa? Just like in the movies, just like in the songs you write!"
Sebastian hurled the iPad onto the floor. It clattered, screen-first against the hardwood, then rolled once before landing face-up. The video still playing on—Lin and Jon, Lin and Jon, spinning endlessly in their moment of stolen happiness, to the soundtrack of Sebastian wailing in the night.
Another set of footsteps.
"Lin what's going on?" Vanessa walked in from inside the house, making her way over in long strides. Her heart breaking at Sebastian, who was completely in tears.
"Hey Sebby?" she crouched down next to him, gathering him up in her arms. "Hey sweetheart, why are you crying baby." she cooed as calm as she could manage. But Seb only sobbed under her. She brought her eyes up to meet Lin's. But he just avoided her gaze, eyes fixated at Seb burrowed into her.
"Uncle Jon-" he choked out, "They all want him to be with Papa." He cried, now clutching tight at her sleeve, hands shaking. Vanessa froze.
"They want Papa to be with him and not you. I don't want everything to change because he is our Papa. They kept saying that Uncle Jon was better for him than you and that–"
"Shhh" she hushed him, cutting in gently. "Look at me baby," stroking his arm. "The internet is a very scary place Seb. People say a lot of things when they don't know us." Vanessa extended her hand towards Lin to come towards them, who was almost on the verge of tears. He shuffled down to hold Seb and Vanessa together, burring his head in her shoulder.
"We will always be with you and Cisco, whatever happens. You know that right?" she whispered, placing a tender kiss on his forehead. He just nodded, curling back into Vanessa's arms.
Instead she scooped him up in her arms and wordlessly carried him over to the bedroom. Francisco was already curled up in bed, deep in slumber, blissfully unaware of the incidents that occurred. She eased Seb into space next to him, holding his hand and humming to him till his breaths slowed down. Tears fell from her eyes, silent not to wake the kids up.
Vanessa wondered how could she keep her word to Seb, about her and Lin.
Because she knew, they knew that this thing between them was so fragile. That the shelter they've built out of half a lie could not protect Seb for much longer.
Lin had finally found a day off from the all the Warriors promo he was running around for, an achievement nonetheless. Vanessa was home early that evening, making sure that they could have the night for themselves, kids dropped off at their grandparents'. It was all planned, table for two reserved at a small Italian place.
Their night together was doomed before it even started.
As they walked into the familiar restaurant, Vanessa followed Lin's gaze across the place, only to be met with her husband's best friend at the other end, in the midst of a small crowd. What were the odds, with the one night that they got off, they had to run into someone they knew. She watched and watched as Lin's eyes animatedly twinkled when Jon caught notice of the two of them across the room. The glint in his eyes all to familiar to go unnoticed.
A beat.
The same twinkle that she used to see in Lin's eyes when he told her how much he always loved her.
loved
Now, those smiles- so carefree and easy, were reserved for someone else. And of course it was Jonathan Groff, because who else could it ever be?
She still remembers that day, all those years ago, when Lin was still back in Hamilton. The day he walked through the front door grinning wide at his phone. When met with her questioning gaze- only then did Lin show the video they filmed for Jon's birthday. A surprise as he called it.
It's just for the audience, they are loving me and Groff together
He said.
You know it won't happen again without me telling you about it right, Nessa?
I promise.
promise.
She should have realised, how foolish it was to believe him.
She urge to snatch Lin away from Jon's gaze, drag him out of this room- away from Jon and go back home like nothing ever happened, burned through her veins. That looking at the man who stole her Lin away, for even another second would scald her.
She wanted to go back home and pretend that she still was the one Lin still loved. Like the man she loved did not have another man that he gave his heart to.
The same one that she once had.
But Vanessa stood there frozen, the weight of the new found revelation anchoring her down. Her feet refusing to move, only could watch as Lin made his way past the crowd and into the seating area where Jon stood.
From a distance Vanessa watched as Lin practically jumped into Jon's arms- like they were pulled together by an invisible thread. She was far enough to not hear their conversation but god- she watched as his smile softened into their embrace.
How could she have been this reckless. When did things get so out of hand.
She fiddled with the heavy band of metal, twirling it mindlessly on her ring finger. She stood there, an outsider to a life she thought was her own, watching the man she'd built everything around drift further and further away. She put up a forced smile as Jon made his way towards her, Lin by his side of course.
"Hi Vanessa, it's so nice to see you again." Jon practically squealed, his infectious smile pouring out. He brought her into a hug, wrapping his arms around her as he would to everyone. Startled by the sudden embrace, she mumbled you too Jonathan as she hugged him back.
Vanessa caught Lin's eye, still embracing Jon.
His face was mixed with emotions she couldn't read. Something she had never seen before in the 19 years she knew him.
She should have never looked into his eyes.
Vanessa pulled herself out of the embrace and just stood there, as Lin begged Jon to join them for dinner after his show. The night that was meant for just the two of them completely forgotten by Lin. When he shot her a questioning glance, she just smiled, hiding all her broken parts far and deep inside- a sort of an open invite.
That's how Jonathan Groff, the man who her husband was so enthralled with, sat next to them. Even before Jon joined them at the table Vanessa could tell that Lin was distracted. She watched as he twirled the spaghetti mechanically, as Lin watched Jon tenderly- his lips turning up as the other man moved around the frames swiftly.
The night went by as quickly as it could pass, time evidently slowing down to a crawl when Jon cozied himself in next to the other man. Lin had eagerly taken the lead to continue the conversation at their table, which was mostly him and Jon darting back and forth, with Vanessa nodding along when either of them threw a glance towards her.
And just like that Vanessa was waiting inside the taxi. Already finished saying her goodbyes, she sat inside watching the two of them. They were on the sidewalk, Lin pulling Jon into a hug as he got up on his tiptoes to curl his forearm at the back of Jon's neck. She could do nothing but helplessly watch as they pulled away, Lin's hands resting a little bit too softly on the curve of his shoulder, before falling to his sides again.
She couldn't wait to get Lin the fuck away from Jon.
~•~
As the door behind them clicked Vanessa faced Lin, who was shedding his jacket and placing it on the rack next to the door.
It took her everything to not just burst into tears right then. She had to know. For good or for worse.
The words were simmering inside her since they parted ways with Jon from the restaurant. She spent the whole of the car ride back home making a quiet note of everything she wanted to ask Lin– yet there were no words on her mind when the time came.
Her voice shook, as she slowly whispered into the space between them.
"How long?"
Lin swiftly turned over, eyes shot wide as he looked at Vanessa.
"What is this about about Nessa, I don't-"
"I asked, how long." her voice bleeding with pain.
Lin's eyes dropped to the ground, as if he finally realised what she was talking about.
Vanessa took a step closer,
"Lin."
The sudden commanding tone in her voice sent shivers down Lin's back, as he snapped his eyes back up to watch her.
"Years," he answered, small.
Vanessa walked backwards to the wall, leaning on it.
"Years? years?" she spat.
"What the fuck do you mean by years Lin, one? two?"
"Eleven"
Vanessa's eyes widened at that,
"Eleven, eleven years- " she barked out a laugh, "Is this some kind of cruel joke that you are playing on me Lin?"
"That's not what this is Vanessa I–"
"What else is this Lin? Eleven fucking years, and yet I was an idiot to let it fold out in front of me. To watch you slip out of my fingers."
Lin could feel her burning. He could do nothing but watch as she paced around the hall, fidgeting and pulling at her wedding band.
"Did something, anything happen between the two of you. More than you ever told me?" But Lin only replied to her in silence, unable to form words to explain his situation.
"Of course, I should have known. So tell me Lin did you bring him home when I was out of town with the kids? Fuck him in our bed when I–"
"Nessa he doesn't know that I love him" Lin rushed out his answer, unable to listen to her condemnation. To listen to her say things that never happened, however hard he wished for them to.
He'd planned to tell her, initially. But by the time he’d sorted his feelings out, he was already holding a baby boy in his arms. Sebastian's tiny fingers had wrapped around his thumb with such trust, such absolute faith, and Lin had felt the words die in his throat. How could he shatter this perfect moment? How could he be the one to fracture the world this innocent child would grow up in?
Sometimes he saw Jon on his screen and he was almost overwhelmed. The familiar laugh would wash over him, and for a moment he'd forget to breathe. Jon's eyes would crinkle at the corners the way they always did as he spoke in that silky voice, and Lin would have to grip the edge of his desk to keep from reaching toward the image like some lovesick fool. But then Seb would run into his room, giggling about something from school or a joke he'd heard, and nothing, not even the ache of Jon's absence, could enter his mind. In those moments, watching his son's face light up as he shared his day, Lin knew with crystalline clarity that he'd close off his heart and live in whatever lie was necessary if it meant Sebastian could have a better life.
The most logical and obvious thing to do was to try to stop loving Jon. Shut him out of his life completely and wait for the feelings to fade with time, the way feelings were supposed to. That way no one would be hurt—not Vanessa, not Sebastian, not even Jon, who deserved better than to be caught in the wreckage of Lin's fractured life.
Lin laughed.
It was the one thing he knew he could not do.
So holding back his heart was infinitely more bearable than the alternative of losing it entirely.
He took on project after project, worked until the sun was almost up every day. He worked to the point of exhaustion, pushing himself until his body ached in ways that almost matched the ache in his chest. When he finally hauled himself into bed, he didn't have the energy left to wish the person on the other side of the bed was someone else. Didn't have the strength to imagine different hands, a different voice whispering good night. And when Sebastian crawled into bed with them after a nightmare, curling his small body between his parents like they were the immovable pillars in his life, Lin would feel the familiar stab of guilt for wanting something else, someone else, when he had this perfect, innocent child who would pay the price of his selfishness.
The worst nights were when Sebastian would mumble "Love you, Papa." in his sleep, and Lin would have to bite his lip to keep from sobbing. Because he did love him, more than his own life, more than his own happiness. More than Jon, even, though the comparison felt like blasphemy.
Oh, Vanessa. Whatever revenge she eventually plotted for him when the truth came out (and it would come out, these things always did) he would deserve every bit of it.
He'd taken the ring off back in 2018.
~•~
"I don't want a divorce." she whispered one night, as they lay in bed. Even after everything Vanessa refused to leave his side physically. But emotionally? She was there only when it was absolutely necessary. Their lives were at a standstill, yet the world around them at kept moving.
It had been weeks since she brought up that incident, absolute radio silence about that night. Lin stilled at the sudden declaration, not expecting it.
"If us staying together means that Sebastian and Francisco can have a normal life, then so be it." Vanessa resigned.
"Nessa," Lin started, "I can't stop loving him, not after all these years. I've lied to myself for so many years now. Even if I tried I don't think I can do that again."
"I know" she said, voice quivering at the realisation. "You can love who you want Lin, I'm no one to stop you."
Vanessa hid it well, but Lin could see the cracks showing. He could do nothing but watch her heart break with every word said out loud. Wonder how many days it had taken her to come to terms with it.
"But our kids are not going to bear the burden of your love. How ever hard it may be, I need you to be there. Not for me, but for them."
And that? That was the least Lin could do for them.
For Vanessa.
Vanessa returned to the living room with slow steps to find Lin cradling the fractured iPad, deep in thought. It was the video, of him with Jon, dancing together. It was ironic, staring at the two of them inside the broken screen.
She silently stood next to him, peering over to watch it and oh–
It was obvious. Obvious enough that millions of people knew exactly what was happening there between the two of them. Obvious enough that their child could understand his father's emotions through the screen.
"Lin," she tried softly, an attempt to get his attention. Which in turn startled him, eyes snapping up to meet Vanessa's.
"I'm sorry, I didn't- I just had to, see it for myself." He resigned.
Vanessa just let out a sigh, because there was nothing left to say to it.
"Did Cisco hear any of it?" she asked instead, body drooping with exhaustion as she sat on the seat next to Lin.
Lin shook his head, "No, I'm sure he was still asleep when I got back."
She let out a breath, pressing into the side of the soft couch. "Thank God for that, because I have no idea how to explain this to him. One child with a broken heart is more than enough."
Lin flinched at the thinly veiled accusation. They had come to terms with this, worked it out together months ago. But yet he could see how it still hurt her. How could she not hurt? Living under the same roof with the man she loved for years. Given a chance, Lin would hate himself for it.
"Lin," she started, gaze sharp and barbed with pain.
Tiredness fading away as she sat up straight, twisting her body to face Lin. To look him in the eye.
She was never temperamental with her anger, always calm and logical about every situation. She wasn't usually like this- never this harsh. But for Sebastian and Cisco she could be as sharp as glass. She'd cut through anything, anyone- even Lin, if it meant keeping them safe.
And Lin knew that.
God he knew that.
Oh Seb, his little boy. Lin had never meant for it to hurt, never meant to get this far. Hell, he didn't even have the slightest clue that something like this would happen. And this was all because all his senses faded into nothing and mush when his eyes met Jon's ocean blue ones in front of him.
He got lost
Lin didn't have a single thought in his mind when he placed his hand in Jon's. Maybe it was muscle memory, maybe it was instinct. Something deep and familiar in his bones, because it always led him back to Jon.
The moment so deep, the world around them, the whole 800 something people, was reduced to the small bubble of Jon, and how he was holding Lin in his arms. It sent a shiver down his spine, something he hadn't felt in months.
"Lin?" she repeated, dragging him out of his fantasies.
His eyes instinctively flickered up to meet hers. The hurt in her eyes evident.
"Please be more mindful of where you are next time. I mean this–" she waved superficially at the shattered screen that sat on Lin's lap "It's already out there now, we can't do anything about it. But at the very least you could try and–"
"I know I know, I'm sorry V."
"Stop lying to yourself Lin, it's not doing good to any of us. I know that you are sorry but–" she paused, waiting for him to meet her eyes.
"Go love him Lin, tell him." Vanessa placed her hand on his shoulder, trying to offer some comfort. An attempt to get him to look at her.
Lin just let out a bitter laugh, shrugging her hand off his shoulder.
"I just invited him to go back into Hamilton with me in a few weeks. If I tell him now, I'm just going to ruin everything. "
Vanessa just stared at him, eyes wide. "You did what?"
"I'm sorry I know I should have asked you before but I- it just happened so suddenly tonight and I asked Jon right after and he said yes." Lin rushed out before she could judge him anymore.
"No Lin that's- you are free to do what you want but right now?" her gaze turning serious. "After all of this? You know Seb won't take it well. Not after today."
Lin's fingers were absentmindedly tracing the edge of the screen that was in bits, his skin almost catching a splinter of glass. "I know the timing isn't right but I don't want to back out Nessa."
"It might be the last chance I'd get, and I want to try." he said, barely a whisper.
Vanessa's expression softened. She didn't ask him why it would be the last chance– maybe because she knew that he wouldn't know the answer either. Instead she shuffled closer to Lin, pulling the tablet out of his hands and placing her own in them.
"I'll make sure the kids are okay." Like she always did, all those nights when Lin wasn't there for them, physically or emotionally.
"But Lin?"
"Yeah?"
"You deserve Jon's love too."
Lin didn't deny it this time.