Chapter Text
Tic..
Toc..
Tic..
Toc..
The sound of the wall clock is the only thing that he can hear aside from his own breathing. It’s quiet, it’s always quiet. But somehow he still couldn’t fall asleep. Again. It has been months or has it been a year? since he developed an insomnia and nothing works to cure it.
It's frustrating not to fall asleep when you desperately wanted to. But he’s used to it, becoming used to it.
His eyes are sandy but since it’s impossible to fall asleep he gets up from his bed with a frustrated sigh and sits up, back against the headboard. He can already see the sunrise peaking in from the gray clouds outside his window. He stares in nothing particular until he grew bored of it. He reaches for the pack of cigarettes from the bedside table and lit one.
He inhales the cancer stick and exhales it slowly. Tasting the bitterness of the cigarette on his tongue.
He looks around his room and sees the mess, beer bottles and beer cans on the bedside table and some scattered messily on the floor. The ashtray is full of cigarette buds, clothes are scattered everywhere too but Taeyong doesn’t have the energy to clean the mess. He’s used to it anyway.
He wasn’t like this at all, he used to be clean and tidy, gets easily irritated when something is amiss or dirty but lately, he really doesn’t give a fuck anymore. Nothing in his life motivates him to do the things he used to love and enjoy.
He takes another hit from the cigarette pinch between his fingers, he switched his attention to that one spot of the ceiling. The paint is chipped. It needs to be repainted but he knows he will never make an effort to do it.
He can hear his stomach grumble, he’s hungry but he’s too lazy to prepare something to eat. So he just took a swig from the can of beer from last night that’s sitting on his bedside table. He empties it and discarded it on the floor. He needs to buy cans of beer again since he’s running out of it.
He thinks of taking a shower but went against it. It will take a lot of effort to do it and he doesn’t really have the energy to do it right now.
He hears his stomach grumble again. Why is it so fucking stubborn? He doesn’t want to eat. He’s not hungry. He tells himself but his stomach says otherwise.
After finishing his cigarette, he finally cave in to his grumbling stomach and decided to eat something because the feeling annoys him so much.
He trips from the beer bottle laying on the ground on the way to the kitchen. Cursing out loud, he kicks the bottle out of his way, the poor thing rolling to the side of his room.
He opens the fridge and sees a yogurt and half eaten pizza from two days ago. He grabs it both and grabs a bottle of beer too.
He took a bite of the stale and cold pizza, downing it with the beer and taking a spoonful of yogurt after.
After feeling full from his breakfast he went to the living room and opens his laptop. He resigned from the modelling agency that he was working at so he’s now just doing freelance work from home. He doesn’t want to deal with people anymore. He barely gets out of his house unless he needs some grocery shopping but really, all he buys is beers, ramen, bread and yogurt. Nothing is appetizing for Taeyong anymore.
He checks his email and responded to some important ones. He looks at his phone and sees a message from Ten.
Goodmorning! How are you? Haven’t heard from you in a while. Let’s grab some lunch? My treat! :)
He closes the messaging app and threw his phone on the couch.
Ten is always trying to reach out to him but he didn’t know why he’s always refusing to answer him back or see him. He’s just too emotionally exhausted to talk to anyone. It’s even a chore getting up in the morning for him let alone talk to anyone.
He leans back and puts his head against the back of the couch, closing his eyes. His mind drifted to him again. His soft dimpled smile, his warmth, his laughter, his soft eyes—
He wonders what he was doing right now? Is he making breakfast for his boyfriend? Or are they cuddling on their bed? Or are they making love? Fuck it.
Ever since that day at Jaehyun’s apartment. He didn’t see him anymore. He didn’t dare go to his apartment again or contact any of their friends. He isolated himself because of guilt, Johnny told him not to mess with Jaehyun again but he still did it because he’s a selfish prick.
He slept with Jaehyun again and beg him to have him back even after he cheated on him, after he left him for another man and even after knowing that Jaehyun is already dating another man that’s making him happy.
He's truly disgusting.
After that day, he just couldn’t function properly anymore. His guilt is eating him alive and the pain of losing Jaehyun in his life is slowly killing him.
He destroyed his life, he chose to cheat on Jaehyun. He brought it upon himself and he knows that he deserves to suffer everyday. He deserves to be lonely and to be alone. This is his punishment for hurting Jaehyun.
》》
“Morning hyung!” the younger man in front of him greeted him cheerily as usual. He sighs and gave him a tight smile. This kid, Haechan always does this whenever he comes to this convenience store to buy his groceries.
He always tries to strike up a conversation with him, trying to make him talk more than a “thank you”. He’s always so happy and full of energy that Taeyong couldn’t keep up. He doesn’t want to be rude but looking at Haechan makes him tired.
He took his change and nodded at the younger man without saying a word and walks out of the store. Today, he decided that he will grab a cup of coffee for a change. He’s been drinking beer every morning for the past few days and it’s starting to make his stomach feel like it’s burning. It’s been two days since he felt it but he chose to just ignore it and hopes that it will eventually go away on it’s own.
He walks to the café a few steps from the convenience store. The strong smell of the coffee and pastries greeted him but it didn’t excite him like it used to before. Thinking of sweets and pastries alone can make his mouth water before but now? Even though it’s already in front of him, he just couldn’t enjoy it anymore. It feels like there’s a huge block in his throat that’s preventing him to enjoy his food but regardless, he still went to the counter and ordered a cup of hot americano with two shots of espresso and a piece of canelé.
He yelps when he drank his coffee a little to fast that it burned his tongue. He took a bite of canelé hoping that the sweetness would ease the pain.
He doesn’t really feel like finishing the pastry but the coffee cup is already half empty. He looks around the café, it wasn’t that busy considering it’s the morning but still he feels suffocated being around this much people so he finishes his coffee and decided to go home.
When he stood up, he felt a shooting pain in his stomach again and this time it’s a little more painful than yesterday but it’s still bearable. He just needs to drink water at home and it will go away.
But he’s wrong, dead wrong when he suddenly doubles over, clutching his stomach as another pain shoots up his insides. This time, the pain triples and he couldn’t stand up straight anymore. Suddenly, the pain is no longer bearable and he feels like his stomach is being split in half. He’s starting to sweat and he knows that the people around him is already looking at him. Because of how stubborn he is, he tried to walk again but he felt another shooting pain in his stomach making him stumbled over, almost face planting on the pavement if not for the hand who steadies him. “Hyung! What’s wrong? Are you okay??” he heard a worried voice ask him, but the pain is not making him think straight. “Please cover my shift Hyunseung! I’ll bring hyung to the hospital!”
That’s when the voice registered in his brain. It was Haechan who was holding him.
》》
“Hi, I’m Nurse Yoon, are you Lee Taeyong’s guardian?” Haechan looks up at the person in front of him, he nods.
Nurse Yoon smiled at him. “Can you please tell me what happened?”
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“I was on my break and I saw hyung clutching his stomach in the middle of the street. So I went to him and asked him if he’s okay but he couldn’t talk because of the pain. When we were in the taxi on the way here, he said that his stomach is very painful that he couldn’t breathe anymore.”
Nurse Yoon, was nodding his head while he was explaining, jutting down notes. “I see, we’ll have to do some test to know what’s the reason for his stomach pain. He will be admitted to the hospital today. I’ll bring you the paperwork that you need to sign in a bit. Okay?”
“Okay, Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.” Nurse Yoon smiled at him again. He looks at Taeyong on the hospital bed. He’s very pale and his face is still scrunch up with a frown, obviously still in pain.
He walks up to his side and touches his shoulder comfortingly. “Hyung, you will be admitted here for tonight. They need to do some test. Will you be okay being alone tonight? I’m sorry but I can’t stay the night since I’ll be baby sitting my younger sister.”
Taeyong groans and opens his eyes slowly. Throat extremely dry, he clears his throat and looks at Haechan. “I’ll be okay. Thank you though for bringing me here.”
“No problem! Just call me if you need anything. I’ll try to visit tomorrow morning, okay? I already entered my number on your phone a while ago so just call or text me. I hope you get better soon. I need to go back to the store though to finish my shift.”
Taeyong nodded at him. “Thank you, Haechan. Really, thank you.”
The younger just squeezes his shoulder and bid him goodbye.
Taeyong was about to close his eyes again when he feels someone walk up to him
“How are you feeling?”
Taeyong opens his eyes and was frozen in his spot, it took a while before he answers the man in front of him.
“I- I’m okay.” He smiled a little and clears his throat. Looking down on his lap to avoid the man’s eyes.
“Great! The doctor will be here in a minute to discuss to you the tests that we’ll be running to determine the cause of your stomach pain.”
Taeyong just nodded. He just wants to disappear right at that moment. Is the universe really doing it’s best to fuck him up more? He—
His thoughts were cut off when the man spoke to him again. “Btw, My name is Yoon Jeonghan and I’ll be your nurse.” The other man smiled warmly at him and all he wants to do is pluck his eyes out.
Of course, It’s Yoon Jeonghan. It’s his ex’s Jeong Jaehyun’s current boyfriend. After what happened, he got curious and asked Ten about him and he went to look at his social media accounts that is why he knew what he looks like and that he’s a nurse.
Jeonghan is beautiful and he looks so gentle. He hates to admit it but he and Jaehyun looks good together.
He tried his best to smile and look at Jeonghan again. He hopes that the other man doesn’t see how badly his hands are shaking right now.
》》
The doctor said that he has an ulcer. Most probably because of how he always skips his meals, drink beer on an empty stomach and excessive use of cigarettes. Well it’s true because he drinks beer everyday as if it’s water. He knows he has an alcohol problem because he couldn’t function without it anymore but his body is paying the price already for all of his stupid choices.
Taeyong chuckles dryly to himself. As if he’ll do anything about it. He prefers to die soon anyway.
Now that he’s alone again in this dull hospital room, his mind wanders again to Jeonghan. After last night, he sees the man three times, always checking on him to ask him if he’s feeling better or if the pain worsens. He looks genuinely concern and it’s making Taeyong’s chest feels heavy. The reason? He doesn’t know. The guy looks genuinely nice and he now understands why Jaehyun chose to be with him and he can see how true Jaehyun’s words were when he said that Jeonghan saved him, that he made him smile again. Because by his presence alone, you can really tell how positive of a person he is, too far from Taeyong’s shitty self.
He sighs and feels himself tear up. He didn’t know if it’s because he feels happy for Jaehyun or if he feels sorry for himself.
“Do you have anyone who can stay with you here tonight?” Jeonghan brought him back from his spiraling thoughts, he looks at the other man and shakes his head.
“Oh! How about the guy he who brought you here?”
“I don’t have anyone.” He answered, his tone sounded a little dismissive more than he wanted to but he just couldn’t help it. There’s still pain in his stomach and Jeonghan’s presence is making him feel more terrible as if the pain in his stomach is doubling. It might also be just his anxiety that’s making him awful right now.
Jeonghan looks taken aback by his tone but still manage to give him a warm smile. “Just push that button when you need me. Don’t hesitate to call me if you need anything. Alright?”
Taeyong nodded and mumbled his thanks to the other man. As he follows him with his eyes while getting out of the room.
He feels himself tearing up again as he tries to swallow the lump in his throat.
Meeting Jeonghan makes him think back of all the wrong choices that he made before, all the things that he took for granted and the pain in his chest is worse than the physical pain he’s experiencing right now.