Chapter Text
After their kiss, it was like everything turned back to normal, like how it should’ve been those past years. They ate together - on the table, sprawled on the floor or on the couch - Kai’s recipes and baked sweets on movie nights, (Yes, the electricity worked for some reason. They both wondered why it was like that, but they never complained) and loved each other more than ever.
It was starting to get better. Kai never thought it would’ve been possible all this time. His memories were still erased, but - he thought - why would he need them, while he was making new ones? Cole's color was orange, his favorite food was chocolate cake and he loved the band Fall Out Boy: he was getting to know him better.
He couldn’t wait to go back to reality. He couldn’t wait to introduce Cole back to all his friends and he couldn’t wait to start a family.
One day Cole came back from an exploration, while Kai was cooking, and he couldn’t stop jumping from excitement.
“I think I found it!” he screamed, bursting through the small living room.
“I found it!” his voice slightly faltered from happiness “I found a way home!”
As Kai’s eyes widened, the pot filled with hot water almost fell on the floor.
He gave up long ago. He already accepted the possibility that he wouldn’t see his friends again, and while it was heartbreaking at first, there was nothing he could do. And he learned to accept that.
So, he didn’t really believe what Cole said. He didn’t want to believe that this time he learned to completely suppress hope, was all for nothing. In a few seconds and with few words, the months he spent reminding himself every breathing second that there was no way out of this were vain. But still, that didn’t matter now. What was really important was that he could see the real world again. He could finally live a normal life with Cole, working his dream job and talking with his sister again.
“I found a map, and- well, here!” Cole snapped him out of his thoughts, handing him a map.
It was really easy to understand: the map pointed to - they assumed - a lab, and on the back of the paper there was information about a machine that was able to transport them back to reality. There were no explanations on how that was possible or if it was still usable, but they weren’t going to ignore the possibility of going back just because they were scared.
That evening, they went to the beach.
The cold wind kept reminding them that it was winter and it was too damn cold to swim in the dark water, but it was like the sea was calling their names: the waves loudly crashing on the rocky shore, without anyone in sight, were something they never thought could exist.
As they took a step towards the dark sea, the cold water made them tremble a bit, which was nice: there were times where they had to remind themselves that living there wasn’t a nightmare or a vision, it was real. They were really there. Every time they got hurt, or felt the damp grass after a really strong thunderstorm, that thought came back to surface. They were real.
And the wet feeling on their ankles did exactly that: every time the waves crushed against their legs they were reminded once again that they were mortal, and that trying to go back home also included the real possibility of dying.
“Do you think we’re going to die?” Kai spoke softly, as if he didn’t want to disturb the waves now reaching their knees.
The fear of losing all of their future goals, their projects, their hard work - the one another - was terrifying to both.
“God, I hope not,” he answered, and then let the silent settle.
“But if we do, we’ll die together. It doesn’t seem bad” he finished talking with a soft laugh.
Now, they both knew that we all die: nobody can escape death. Yes; we can dodge it, we can postpone the certain end of everything, but nobody can live forever.
Everything will die: parents, friends, pets, plants, even the Sun. The thing that brings us light everyday, will continue to rise until, out of the blue, darkness will prevail.
We won’t see it, as all humans will have reached the end.
It’ll be over, soon or later, for everyone and everything.
People know this, even Kai and Cole.
But dying so early, when you’re so full of life, when you’ve done everything in your power to survive, it’s not what they wanted. Hell, they’d even like to see the Sun reach the end.
Looking in each other's eyes, it wasn’t hard to understand how both were feeling.
“Look, i know what you’re thinking..but, we have to try.” the black-haired man spoke, without looking away from the other’s eyes.
“We’ll live in a wooden house with two dogs and one cat. I’ll wake up and make breakfast for the both of us. I’ll find a job as an athletic coach and you will start teaching in schools. I’m sure of this, because we’re only a minute away.” he finishes, smiling. And Kai believes it, because they really are only a minute away.
The day after, they packed their bags with the stuff they found in those months and started following the map.
The lab wasn’t hard to find: fear that was the biggest part to overcome. Fear of this being their final day.
As they walked inside, they were immediately met by the machine.
In front of that, the two guys felt a little bit of hope, and for the first time in a while, it was like the fear had vanished.
It was nice, feeling like that after all this time.
Apart from that, the lab was empty. Just some white lights on the ceiling that kept fluttering and a few scattered papers on the floor.
The machine had glass doors that looked like they were made to fit only one person, and some kind of metal - that the two of them couldn’t recognize - surrounded the rest of it.
“This doesn’t really seem trustworthy, doesn’t it?” Kai spoke lightly, like he didn’t want to be heard: and Cole couldn’t help but understand the feeling, maybe because he learned to not trust anyone - or anything - a while ago.
“Yeah, but it's the only way.”
The other nodded, and turned back to look at the room.
Not wanting to enter the machine right away, both men decided to explore the structure a bit more.
In the right side of the lab, there was a white door, which led to an almost identical room as before. The couple would’ve thought they were in a maze if the machine was also there. Once again, the lights flickering made the place a bit dark.
The papers scattered on the floor talked about everything but the machine. It was suspicious, but it was also the only thing that brought happiness to the two. Yes, they were happy there - sleeping in each other's arms and goodmorning kisses were more than enough - but they also desperately wanted and deserved to live a normal life and have a normal family.
Some of the text talked about science experiments, some of them were research about plants they never saw - and some of them were just weird. Cole grabbed a sheet from the cold floor, and he quickly noticed that the text consisted in the number “1” written at least one-hundred times. The bold title read “Whale. One” . The man discarded the paper, putting it back where it was.
He didn’t know what it meant, but lately he didn’t understand a lot of things. Thinking about the reason he was there, wondering if he did something so sinful that God had wanted to punish him, became hard. The fear that they could’ve been living in this place without the possibility of going back, was excruciating and exhausting. He was tired of thinking. He just lived every single day without looking too much into it.
The sky outside was getting darker and the sun was almost about to disappear behind the waves. The trees let their leaves fall gently on the ground and the soft rain that had started a while ago stopped completely. Things were going to be alright, Cole thought. Like always.
“Well, I think it's time.” Kai said, his voice shaky for the uneasy feeling in gut. “You’re right. Let’s go home.”
So both men walked towards the machine, opening the glass door with shaky hands. In front of them stood the first, and probably only, chance to get back home. But it also was the one and only thing that could’ve led them to death. It was the only thing in this world that could have brought them apart. For a short moment, both wished to stay there in a dimmer hope that the hundreds of buttons in front of them were a dream. After all, there was no real danger there. They could exit the building by the front door and continue living in peace. But still, neither of them stepped back. Maybe because they were ashamed of their thoughts after all this time desperately wanting a normal life, or maybe because deep down they knew that they would’ve regretted staying there.
It was a tight fit in the machine, both their bodies pressed lightly against the wall. As Cole pressed the white button that read “start” in bold letters, their knuckles brushing against each other finally found a way to interlock fingers and their thoughts slowed down a bit. Their eyes closed, thinking about the opportunities that they’ll have in the real world, instead of focusing on the possibility of having no future whatsoever.
Suddenly, a weird beeping sound started. It wasn't scary, like in those movies where an airship is about to crash, but like a reminder. A reminder of something so easy to forget, but also like something so hard to figure out.
Then something in Cole’s mind clicked, like figuring out a deep question before going to sleep or finally finding a weak spot in an opponent during a box match. Things he had done in the day were flashing his mind: the amount of space they were in right now. That weird paper that only read “1”, front and back. The weird beeping. And then finally, the conclusion of his thoughts came.
The machine was only for one person.
As his eyes widened at realization, his hand quickly abandoned Kai’s. It wasn’t the end of the world, he just needed to get out and then go inside alone. But he had a gut feeling, like a snake wrapping his body around Cole’s throat and stomach so much that he couldn’t speak nor breathe. There was something inside him that kept on screaming to both get out of there.
“Cole?” Kai asked with a soft voice, confused from the sudden lack of touch. The question lingered in the air, with no answer. “What’s wrong?”
“I don’t have time to explain, but-” the other answered, quick with his words and actions. “But I need to get out right now. This machine - or whatever the fuck you want to call it, honestly - is only for one person at a time.” Cole’s voice was barely above a whisper and filled with anxiety - it reminded him of the first dates they had back in high school, when Cole was so nervous he couldn’t even hold his hand -
“How do you- how do you know?” Kai said, while the other man finally opened the door.
“Cole! What if you’re wrong?” he screamed, with a high-pitched voice because of the worry “What if- what if im never gonna see you again?”.
“We’ll see each other again” he answered. Saying he wasn’t scared as hell would be far from the truth, but he understood that the other needed comfort. So he spoke with a firmer tone, looking Kai in the eyes - the same eyes that met him every morning. “Whether it be in dreams or in the real world - you’re never going to forget my face, and I'm never going to forget yours.” he finished, stepping out of the machine.
“Alright, Mr. Poet. I’ll see you on the other side, then” Kai said shakily through his faint smile “I’ll cast a spell over the west to make you think of me.”
They both softly laughed at the quote from Cole's favorite song, and then they closed their eyes. Their hearts and minds were apart, but their thoughts and feelings were the same.
Then suddenly, there’s one big explosion. The flames started and breathing became almost impossible. The machine exploded, and they were there.
The big boom made Cole wonder if that scared the shit out of Kai or not. He calls him.
“Kai!”
And he does it again, and again and again. But no one ever answered him, and it got to the point where his throat hurt. Maybe his screams were to blame, or maybe the smoke. What really mattered, - Cole thought - was that Kai wasn't calling back his name. Kai went back to normality. He did, right?
The fog in his mind wore off for a few seconds, and that was enough to notice the red liquid on the white floor, like roses covered in snow. He wasn’t dumb: deep down, he knew what happened.
He tries to believe it. He tries, goddammit, he tries to convince himself that Kai got teleported back. With all his soul, he’s trying to think that Kai will be happy in the real world from now on. But the splatters on the glass remained there. The dark red blood that was starting to stain the floor and the awful smell was something he could not pretend didn’t exist.
Kai wasn’t in his room between his cozy blankets and he also wasn’t in the small apartment near the bar.
He was, nonetheless, gone.
And he did that.
He wondered what Kai’s last words were. Was he going to be angry when they were going to meet again after death? He was sure it wouldn’t be in heaven or hell. Maybe culled by nothingness forever; that would’ve been fine, as long as they were next to each other.
The fire slowly chipped away the paint on the walls and the smoke started to fill his lungs. Cole stood there, his legs almost giving out and his whole body crushed by guilt. If he didn’t force Kai to enter the machine - if he didn’t try to save his life - he’d be right next to him, and they would’ve escaped through the door. They could’ve lived another tomorrow.
And he hoped with every fibre in his body that death had been gentle to Kai. He hoped that it felt like a warm embrace after a bad day, like sleeping in on a sunday or waking up on Christmas morning as a kid. He hoped it felt like every happy memory he had and every future he dreamed of.
He hoped that in his final moments and in his final breaths, he didn’t think of all the missed opportunities he could have lived, but rather the ones he got to see.
I want to make it clear, don’t get me wrong when I explain this: Cole longed to live. Cole wanted a big family and he desperately wanted to live a life full of love. But that life was next to Kai. And if he wasn’t next to him, if he couldn’t wake up in the morning to make coffee for the both of them, if he couldn’t messily fuck Kai at night, then he no more longed for that feeling.
He didn’t want to die, he just didn’t want to continue living without him.
So he stayed still, death slowly doing her job, hoping that he’d get to see the other again. His dreams and desires slowly finding a way out of his mind and as his last breath came out of his lungs - shaky, identical to the breaths he took when he used to sleep next to Kai - he hoped that God, or whoever was up there, would spare him just one second to see his other half again, or if he’d be so kind to offer an entire lifetime with him. He hoped that the sins he committed for him to be sent there, were things God could overlook and forgive.
Just one more time. He wanted to feel his lips, just one more time.