Chapter Text
Nicholas knew that he couldn’t let Euijoo get away like that, without any explanation at all. He cried there at the school doors for a long time, not knowing how much exactly.
They had never been like this. No matter what, Euijoo had always trusted Nicholas with whatever was bothering him. He knew that sometimes Euijoo needed time to sort his thoughts until he could talk about it, but this time it seemed different.
It wasn’t like when they were 13, and Euijoo's parents decided to get a divorce, so Nicholas ran to get Euijoo and they spent days playing video games and staying up talking all through the night.
And even if Euijoo decided it would be different, Nicholas had to at least know why. Why would he do this? Why could Euijoo decide this all by himself? This wasn’t fair. It wasn’t right. He had to talk to him. No matter how long it would take
for Euijoo to talk to him. If he decided to hate him all of a sudden, Nicholas at least deserved to know why.
They have been best friends for 12 years. What was it that bothered Euijoo now? Nicholas couldn’t think of anything. His heart was racing, the sweat of his palms mixing with his tears and the still pouring rain. He had to go find Euijoo. Right now.
-
He was out of breath when he sped up the stairs, his breath still caught on the words he couldn’t get out to Euijoo earlier. That was the least of his worries right now, even if he died of lack of oxygen he would still have to reach Euijoo before he took his last breath.
So he pushed through the students gathering in the hallway, all the way to their classroom. There it was, Euijoo's backpack, keychain still on it. He quickly grabbed it and his own, before leaving as quick as possible.
His friends waved and tried to stop him. "Hey man, where are you rushing off to-" He pushed past them with a dismissive wave. Classes could wait, his friends could wait. If he couldn’t fix this right now, what did he still have in his life? Euijoo meant the world to him. This was far more important than anything. Maybe he would even go as far as saying that this could end up worse than when Euijoo's parents were separating.
He knew that look on Euijoo's face. The one he saw for a split second until he stiffened to hide his emotions the best he could. And this time he was so good that not even Nicholas could read them.
-
Euijoo's sniffing could definitely be made out in between the rain sounds, but he didn’t care right now. When people walked past him they looked at him weirdly, but they wouldn’t get it anyway. They wouldn’t get him.
Not like a specific person he just left behind, because he didn’t dare to cross a line he himself created. Didn’t dare to speak out about something that only bothered him. He was such a coward, and he hated himself for it. He left Nicholas there crying. He was sure Nicholas was never going to forgive him for that. And even if he did, Euijoo couldn’t forgive himself for that.
His feet kept on dragging him, he wasn’t running anymore but thanks to his long legs he still came a long way. That was, until he came across a little familiar forest.
-
Nicholas thought he was good at sports. thought. But running through the rain with clothes that were completely soaked for at least an hour wasn’t doing his condition justice. He ran and stopped everywhere he thought Euijoo could be.
Their favorite ice cream shop, his favorite bookstore, his home, his favorite store not far from his house, but Euijoo was nowhere to be found. Until it hit Nicholas. His legs gave his all, adrenaline pushing him over the edge as not even tiredness could stop him from getting to his best friend.
As he reached the entrance of the forest, his body carried him like it wasn’t even his choice where to go. It carried him to their tree - the one where they had carved their initials when they were 8. And under the still very much visible E + N, sat Euijoo. Trembling and crying. His usual tall frame small and fragile.
It hurt Nicholas. Euijoo was crying because of him. Though he didn’t know what he did, he felt guilty. He should never make Euijoo feel like this. Feel this worthless, when he meant so much to Nicholas. When he got nearer he heard Euijoo's cries. This wouldn’t hurt him so much if he hated Nicholas, would it? But that didn’t matter right now, what mattered was that he had to comfort Euijoo.
Quietly, he got out the jacket from his backpack and slowly draped it over Euijoo's back. Noticing this, the taller boy lifted his head and regret washed over him. He regretted ever befriending Nicholas. There he stood, right in front of him - eyes red and swollen, hair wet and breath still ragged. Euijoo got up immediately and started backing up until he felt Nicholas' hand on his wrist.
"You’re not leaving me right now. Not now. Sit down." And Euijoo always had a soft spot for Nicholas. As he settled on the ground beneath their tree, he tried to turn away from Nicholas, avoiding eye contact because right now, he could not feel the immense guilt that Nicholas looked this worn out just because of him. Nicholas quietly sat next to him.
"Look at me."
"I did that when you got here."
"Well and I mean right fucking now, Euijoo. Don’t joke around, really."
As Euijoo slowly turned to Nicholas, he saw his eyes soften. Euijoo's eyes were as bad as his own, if not worse. He carefully reached out his hand to stroke the rest of tears on Euijoo’s cheek away.
He tried not to move too fast, Euijoo was like a deer. Move too hastily and they leave immediately. But Euijoo didn’t have it in him anymore - he leaned into Nicholas hand when another tear slipped out. His bangs fell into his eyes and Nicholas carefully brushed them away.
"Nichol, why did you run after me. You said it would be over and done if I left you… back there… didn’t you?"
"You think I would give you up this easily?"
"…"
"I beg you Juju, please, you don’t have to tell me what’s going on in your head right now, but don’t leave. I want you to trust me, like you always have. As you always should. If someday you’re ready to talk to me about it, I will be here, and I will listen. But don’t push me away. Don’t dive into this construct you built in your head. Not all alone."
Nicholas only noticed when he felt his own cheeks warm with tears again, that he started to cry again. The rain stopped, they couldn’t blame it for their tears anymore. Euijoo had those sparkly eyes, the ones that Nicholas always adored. They were glistening with tears. It was only when Nicholas gave him a nod that Euijoo started to quietly speak.
"I‘m sorry, Nichol.
You’re a great friend, you’ve proven it once again. But I don’t deserve this. Don’t deserve you. Especially not in the way I have you. And not in the way I want you even more."
Nicholas eyes softened more if that was even possible. "Juju, what do you mean?" Euijoo really didn’t want to say it ever. Of course it was a big part of Euijoo's worries, but he didn’t want Nicholas to find out.
"I think I like you. Not in the best friend kind of way. I haven’t even really accepted it myself fully yet. This is so weird. Especially after seeing you with your new friends and doing stuff we could never do, it fuels something inside of me.
Something bitter. Something I was so afraid of naming that I would rather leave you than confront it. Something so ugly that I don’t even recognize myself. I‘m really really sincerely sorry Nichol. You've just lost your best friend, I get it if you find me disgusting, I‘m sure your new friends will be a better fit than I am for you. Even just friendship wise. I‘m sorry."
Euijoo’s eyes started locking onto the ground while ranting, so he did not notice it when Nicholas' mouth hung open and he took a deep breath. Next thing he knew Nicholas came in a full body hug, crushing Euijoo on the ground.
He hid his face in Euijoo's neck, and Euijoo was able to feel Nicholas' tears rolling down his neck into his shirt which was soaked anyway, so he didn’t care. He started slowly wrapping his arms around Nicholas body on top of him, tears threatening to leave his eyes too.
"Euijoo please tell me you’re not fucking for real. What do you mean find you disgusting?? I love you just the way you are, for who you are. You are my closest friend, you know everything about me. You know me better than I know myself. It was always the two of us, since day one. Since we were seated next to each other.
I would sacrifice myself for you any minute. I would never want to spend a day without you. Why would you think that?"
Euijoo was a complete mess. He had started shutting his eyes because for the lack of care his body had gotten today, it could miraculously still produce new warm tears against Nicholas' neck.
By the time they both pulled away, both of their eyes were even redder, if that was even possible. Still holding each other tightly, like they were afraid of letting go. Like if they let go, they would lose this moment, this vulnerability, this honesty. So they both pulled in again, hugging the other even tighter.
-
"What do you think we should eat? I‘m kinda craving pizza and watching a movie like the old times." Nicholas was still smiling at Euijoo as he did the same. After their moment in the forest they had decided to go home and change out of their soaked clothes, even though it would probably be too late anyway. "I‘m down. But you have to lend me some clothes, you know that?" "Not like we never did that before."
Euijoo would have never guessed that he would witness this again. Walking with Nicholas like they always did, contemplating on what to eat or what movie to watch. It was kind of unreal, emotions can switch up so fast. The weather too, the sun started coming up after the rain, leaving a soft glow in the sky, the afternoon announcing it's arrival. Everything seemed still, like the peace after a storm, be it inside our outside.
Euijoo appreciated this moment so much that he didn’t notice when Nicholas took his Euijoo's hand into his, intertwining their fingers, his eyes not leaving Euijoo's. Only the clinking of their keychains was heard, meeting whenever they got a bit too close to each other. The real token of their relationship.