Chapter Text
Siuan woke with a gasp.
Her eyes flew open as she clung to her blanket with trembling hands, searching for something real. Something to steady her.
Her breathing heavy, her heart pounding, her breaths shallow. Sweat graced her forehead and a few strands of dark wet hair stuck to her face.
She touched her neck, her face, fingers slowly drifting over hot skin.
No lines. No scars. No nothing.
She bolted upright, nervous eyes scanning the room to figure out whether what she was experiencing was real or a mere illusion. Another vision. A cruel joke.
The memories of the future threatened to arise, and Siuan desperately tried to push them down again. The bare thought of the things she had seen, the awful, gruesome events she had witnessed, bringing back a wave of emotions, great enough to sweep her away and drown her.
Moiraines sad, hopeless voice ringing through her head. Her cries of agony, her screams, her sobs.
Rands death. The darkness winning, swallowing the light, leaving nothing but despair and destruction.
Siuans heart pounding heavy in her chest as her hands began gripping the blanket even tighter, fingernails digging through the thin fabric into the palms of her hands. Not hard enough to leave marks but strong enough to sting.
The hurt was small though, compared to everything she was feeling in that moment. Imagines flashing in front of her eyes burning hot in her memory, as she buried her throbbing head in her knees. Her muscles ached and she still felt nauseous and cold, despite the heavy sweat covering her skin.
The remembrance of death still echoed in her bones.
She had died. She had been dead. Maybe she still was...
But this felt too real to be another vision... too warm... too alive.
Her head rose slowly. And her eyes fluttered, as she struggled to keep them open against the pale sunlight flooding the room, reflecting off the mirror in the corner, hanging high up on her wall above the small dresser.
Siuans gaze travelled slowly over the remaining furniture in the room.
A small square table, with two books lying on it, and two cushioned straight-backed chairs.
A round, dark blue carpet, darned in several places, covered the center of the room.
A big, wooden wardrobe, one door slightly opened, another locked with a brass key, stood next to the door.
A washstand with a basin, that had obviously taken a blow sometime in the past, next to it.
A fireplace adorned the wall opposite to her bed. It still had black coal in it, the remains of a small fire.
A small pile of logs on the left and a small cushion on the right for reading in the glow of the flames.
Two big windows let in lots of natural light, almost blinding the barely awake woman.
It couldn't be...
It was her room. Her old room in the blue Ajah quarters. She recognized it in a heartbeat. Everything was still so familiar, even after years spent living in the rooms set for the Amyrlin.
This room was exactly like she remembered. The smell of old wood mixed with left over smoke and the scent of freshly picked flowers, that stood in the middle of the small wooden table in the center of her chamber.
Siuan had never picked the flowers herself, yet every few days she would return to her rooms to find a new bouquet, picked from the tower gardens and the fields outside Tar Valon.
Daisies. Bluebells. Cornflowers. Forget-Me-Nots.
The flowers had always come from Moiraine.
Moiraine.
It hit her like a hammer on the head. If there were flowers, that meant that Moiriane couldn't be far.
Suddenly small steps drew closer to her room, the sound echoing through the spacious hallway outside.
The door creaked open, without a knock.
"Light, Siuan," a voice said softly, filled with surprise. "Why are you still in bed? I thought you had an early meeting with Cetalia in her study, before breakfast."
Siuan froze.
Moiraine stood in the doorway. Her long brown hair was pulled back into a simple twist. A few loose strands curled at her temples, framing her face. The dark blue silk dress she was wearing shimmered in the sunlight, flooding in through the windows, drenching her in a majestic glow.
Embroidery adorned the cuffs and neckline and a small leather pouch, attached to an embossed belt, rested on her hips.
Her skin, pale as always, made her look like a real life porcelain doll.
Even though Siuan knew that Moiraine hated that description of her and found it utterly ridiculous.
The first time they had heard the comparison was on their very first day as Aes Sedai, when Cetalia Delarme had introduced herself to them.
She remembered how Moiraine had immediately stiffened and how she often brought it up, even years afterwards. Thinking about her appearance as if it was something that made her seem weak. Her small stature not being in favor of her wish to seem tall and threatening. Not always of course, but when it mattered.
Because of Moiraines adamant rejection of the phrase, Siuan had never openly described her as such, though she had to admit, that her lover often did resemble a porcelain doll, without the aspect of fragility. Moiraine was anything but fragile.
She was and always had been the strongest person Siuan had ever known and she often found herself admiring the dedication and commitment her lover portrayed on a daily basis, especially with regard to their quest.
Right now though, the other Aes Sedai didn't look the part of the hostile and powerful chancellor most others saw her as. At least in the time she had come from.
She was simply Moiraine. Gorgeous, majestic and compassionate, all while radiating strength and warmth, a combination no one else held as elegantly as her.
Moiraines cheeks were flushed, her eyes still a bit sleepy, as they analyzed Siuan.
Siuan couldn't help but stare back. Overwhelmed by the sight of her lover. She looked... alive. Healthy. Well.
She seemed a bit younger than she had, the last time she had seen her, though not by much.
Almost unchanged by time. The same deep blue eyes looked back at her. They were filled with a faint glow, one that Siuan had missed ever since the day of the prophecy.
Siuans heart clenched at the sight. She was here. She truly was here.
Alive.
Moiraine tilted her head, curious. "Are you feeling ill?"
Siuan opened her mouth — and closed it again.
She couldn't speak. The words getting stuck in her throat, a thousand thoughts rushing through her, all at once.
One question, bigger than any others burning in her mind: how was this even possible?
"No. Just...", Siuan finally started, still looking for words. What could she even say?
The truth.
That's all. Aes Sedai couldn't lie after all. But how in the Light, would one even begin to explain what had happened to her? What she had seen? What would happen?
Especially since Siuan didn't understand half of it herself.
"A bad dream?" Moiraine raised her brow and closed the door behind her. The lock falling into place with a small click.
Siuan nodded slowly. Maybe saying nothing would be the best. And she was thankful Moiraine didn't pressure her to respond. She never had.
Moiraine walked over to the small basin, sitting atop her washstand, took a small pitcher located next to it and poured water into the bowl.
Her back turned to Siuan. "You were crying in your sleep."
Siuans breath caught.
She hadn't realized. Not until now. But now she could feel the dampness on her cheeks. The dried tears under her eyes.
Moiraine turned, holding a small damp cloth. "Was it about your father?" Her face filled with concern, as she sat down on the bed next to Siuan. Their knees brushed.
Siuan simply nodded. Again.
Her hand twitched slightly, desperate for contact with her lover, but not quite touching her, scared that she would come to realize it was all a vision after all.
But even if this was just a dream, she simply never wanted to wake up again.
Siuan felt her heart pounding hard in her chest and the prickling sensation of soft tears welling up in her eyes.
Moirianes gaze softened. Her eyes so full of love, it made Siuans breath hitch.
"You don't have to talk about it. But please remember that if you ever want to, I'll be right here, by your side. You can always talk to me, love."
Love.
That word alone was enough to nearly push Siuan over the edge. And ultimately it did .
Siuan tried to push down her tears, but failed. One lone tear slowly running across her cheek.
She never cried. Not usually at least. But she had probably cried more in the past 48 hours than she had in her whole life.
A small wave of shame rushed over her. Moiraine had always said, that one of the things she admired most about her, was her strength. And now here she was. Crying. Her eyes puffy. Her cheeks flushed.
"I know." Siuans voice broke slightly, as she finally gained the courage to speak.
Moiraine raised her hand, finally resting on the side of Siuans head. Her thumb slowly caressing the cheek of her lover, wiping the tear away. A faint smile graced her lips. "You know, I also had a strange dream last night."
"You did?" Siuan couldn't help but smile back, the feeling of dread, that had lingered just a few moments prior, vanishing in an instant.
Moiraine had that gift, making her smile when she wanted to frown and laugh when she wanted to weep.
Moiraine nodded. "I dreamt of fish nets last night. That's probably your fault."
"Fish nets? Is that so Lady Damodred?"
"In fact so. I cast a few of them and I even caught some fish. You would have been proud." Moirianes smile widened into a loving grin, as she slowly ran the damp cloth over Siuans cheeks.
"You know I'm always proud of you." Siuan tried not to let the facade slip, but her smile cracked slightly as she remembered her visions and how lost and distraught Moiraine had been, at the thought of having failed the world. Of having failed her.
I'm sorry... Siuan.
"And I'm always proud of you. Always." Moiraine took Siuans hand in hers and gave it a tight squeeze.
Her eyes sparkled in the sunlight and Siuan wanted to do nothing more than to lean forward and give her a kiss.
And she might have, hadn't she suddenly been interrupted.
"You know who won't be proud of you though? Cetalia. If you're even more late to your meeting."
Moiraine gave Siuans hand a soft kiss — her lips hot against Siuans skin — before she getting up.
Siuan let out a small groan, instinctively trying to reach for her, but Moiraine had already made her way back over to the wash basin.
The Tairen followed her with focused eyes, unwilling to look away from her for even one second.
Moiraine was right. As usual.
And Siuan hated it.
Every part of her longed to just be with her love. To hold her and to never let her go ever again.
But they never seemed to have time for that. At least not in this turning of the wheel. And even though Siuan had been catapulted back in time, back into her old life, into a new pattern, the turning of the wheel was still the same.
And it was working against them.
Siuan got out of bed. Her feet hitting the cold, stone floor. After a few seconds of confused searching her eyes found the pair of slippers shes always kept close to her bed. Never in the same place — unlike Moiraine, who was more orderly, and had a specific place for everything — but always close.
She quickly put them on and made her way across the room to Moiraine.
"What if I didn't go to the meeting? I'm already late. So what good would it do to show up at all?"
"Why?" Her lovers voice seemingly confused as she turned around. "I thought you finally enjoyed your studies with Cetalia. Or did something happen to change your mind in that regard?"
"No, no it's just..." Siuan paused, looking for the right words to use. Light, how was she even supposed to say this? "I just missed you, is all."
A sad smile flashed across Siuans face, laced with the bitter sweetness of being back in the presence of her lover. The woman she had lost so many times.
But no matter how many times they had said goodbye to one another, they always found their way back into each other's arms.
And this moment, right then, was one of those moments. A reconciliation. Even though one of them was unaware of the fact.
"You are impossible."
Moiraine rolled her eyes, a playful smile crossing her lips, as she folded the cloth and placed it back down, next to the basin.
Light, how Siuan had missed that smile...
Without another word the Cairhien turned around and made her way back to the door.
"I will see you at breakfast." She paused for a second, her hand resting lightly on the door handle.
"After your meeting with Cetalia," she added, a teasing smile forming in the corners of her lips.
She opened the door and gave Siuan a soft grin, before slipping out of the room. Leaving nothing behind but a gust of wind, the sound of the lock and a stunned Siuan Sanche.
The Tairen stood there for a few seconds. Glued to the spot. Her mind wrapped in the sweet lingering smell of Moiraines perfume and the memory of her presence. So alive. So real.
By the time her legs remembered how to carry her, she reached the door just in time to catch one last glimpse of Moiraine as she made her way through the long stone hallways of the Tower.
A short sigh escaped Siuan's lips as she watched the figure of her lover, getting smaller and smaller, before vanishing behind a corner.
Watching Moiraine slipping out of reach, even just for a moment, sent a familiar ache blooming in her chest.
Fish guts...
She had let her go. Again...
Siuan knew this wasn't goodbye forever, not even for long, only until breakfast. But the stinging in her heart only got worse, the farther they were apart.
She would see Moiriane again. Soon. At breakfast.
It was so odd to say, or even think about. If she had read what had happened to her in a novel she would have probably put it down within the first few pages. The idea of time travel and finding one's long lost love again, too absurd to seem realistic. Definitely not something Siuan would be interested to revel in.
She had never been one for fantasy novels. But then again, neither had Moiraine. The closest they had gotten to indulging in fantasy being "Hearts of Flame", a leather-bound book, containing a collection of love stories, they had both quite enjoyed during their time as novices. It had become one of her favorites. And Moiraines.
Despite being deemed unsuitable the young women at the Tower.
Siuan remembered how her and Moiraine had read the stories to one another. Late at night. Their cheeks rosy, as the young, innocent girls deciphered the quite scandalous tales depicted on the pages.
That was long in the past now. Or not as long as it had been for her only a few hours ago. Now that moment in time was closer than it had been in decades.
The Aes Sedai let out a small sigh and quickly closed the door behind her, as she heard distant footsteps approaching. Before — thankfully — passing by without a knock.
Siuan stayed still for a while. Her head rested against the wooden door, her hands fiddling with the edges of her sleeves, her thoughts trailing off every few seconds, not letting her truly think about anything at all.
She was back. She truly was back at the Tower. She had just seen Moiraine. She had her back. It was real. Siuan wasn't quite sure how... but it was real.
But now... what was she to do?
How was she supposed to change anything at all if she didn't truly know where she had gone wrong in the first place. She had to figure out what exact moments had led her to her death. What happenings brought the doom of the world, as they knew it, upon them.
But she couldn't do that now. Not in this exact moment. She still had time. There was no need to act fast. There was no prophecy. No dragon reborn. No responsibility. Not yet at least.
She had time. For once. And she would use that time.
But first, she had to at least try to settle into her new — or rather old — life.
Which ultimately meant that she had to attend her meeting with Cetalia. Whether she wanted to or not.
Siuan went to her closet and put on one of the few dresses, all dark blue and made out of wool, just how she had always liked them, before becoming Amyrlin. She reached behind herself to do up the buttons on her dress and put on a pair of gold earrings, shaped as leaves, that Moiraine had bought her at a market the week after they had earned the shawl.
She caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror and halted in her tracks. Her eyes widened. She looked so... different. Yet the same.
Siuan stood there for a second, analyzing her features. She looked so... young. Unscathed by time and responsibility. She looked like the woman she had always wanted to be, before the wheel ripped that version of herself away from her.
But not again. She wouldn't let that happen.
The wheel must have offered her another try for a reason. And she would do everything she could to make sure she accomplished what she came here to do.
Additionally, she already had an advantage. She knew what was gonna happen and when. There was no way she could lose again. — Right?
After checking whether she had forgotten anything important, not that she remembered whether Cetalia had asked her to bring something particular, she made her way out of her chambers, to the study of the head of the Blue Ajah's eyes-and-ears.
Siuan was quite surprised when she realized she still knew the way to Cetalia's study from her room, though it seemed more like muscle memory than actual knowledge of where she was heading.
Moiraine had often commented on her spending an increased amount of time in Cetalia's study, as Siuan often headed to Cetalia's rooms earlier than need be, and sometimes even remained until the second or third sitting of supper.
They had never gotten into fights about it. Moiraine had always been occupied by something else, so it wasn't like she spent her days sitting around, waiting for Siuan to return. Though both of them knew the other missed them very much,
Siuan crossed a few familiar faces in the hallway and gave each of her sisters a polite nod. A wave of sadness rushing over her as she remembered the fate some of them shared.
Hopefully it would be different this time around. Siuan would do everything in her power to do so.
She wouldn't go down without a fight. She never had and she never would.
Finally Siuan came to a halt in front of a big wooden door, the frame covered in small carved leaves. Each of the portrayed leaves was different, representing a various array of regions and kingdoms. Her fingertips softly graced the leaf of the black-oak tree, usually found in the forests in Cairhien, before she raised her hand and knocked.
Moments of complete silence passed.
Light, this might get uncomfortable.
And it did.
Siuans breath caught in her throat as the door finally opened, revealing the other Aes Sedai.
Cetalia Delarme was a tall, square-faced woman. Her steel-gray hair shimmered in the sunlight flooding the room and it was tied into multiple blue-beaded braids that hung to her waist. She was wearing a long light-blue silk dress, a colour almost the same as the sky outside the window, that peeked out behind Cetalia's frame.
"You're late." Was all she said as she opened the door further, letting Siuan inside. Her face stern, her eyes cold. The younger woman hesitated for a second, analyzing her mentor's features before stepping inside the study.
The room itself was just as she had remembered. Big wooden bookshelves lined the walls, scrolls and maps peaking out from a few of the drawers. A big mahogany table, with a set of matching chairs, adorned with deep blue cushions, stood in the middle of the room, only slightly off center to the left. Candle-flames dancing, despite the window opposite the door letting in enough light to successfully brighten up the majority of the room.
"I...," Siuan started, unsure what to say, the weirdness of the situation unsettling her to the bone. "I'm sorry for being late. I must have overslept. It won't happen again."
Without thinking, her feet carried her to the middle of the room, where she stood and waited for her mentor.
Cetalia pulled the door closed.
"I'm not used to you being late Siuan Sanche. I expected better from you. Maybe you were raised to the shawl too early after all. Maybe you are still too immature for the task at hand. The others urged me to ask someone else to help me but I chose you. Maybe I was wrong."
That stung. From all the words in the world, being called immature hurt the most. Her dubious pranks might have suggested otherwise, but unlike common belief, Siuan payed great attention to being regarded highly.
She had especially done so after being raised to the position of Amyrlin, though that level of sophistication and seriousness was too uncomfortable to bear sometimes.
She had always felt like the odd one out, the outsider, but she would never have let anyone realize it. No one knew how Siuan Sanche felt. Ever. Only when she was truly mad.
And even those bursts of anger bad not always been truthful.
A small smile threatened to grace her lips as Siuan thought back to hers and Moiraines game of charade. Back when they tried to convince the whole tower they loathed each other, in order to deter anyone from ever even suggesting a romantic connection between them.
Not that all of that secrecy had mattered in the end...
"Here is your task for today." Cetalia pulled out multiple letters and documents and placed them on the desk. It was almost like a puzzle. And her mentor loved to test Siuan, much to her dismay.
She had started asking the younger Aes Sedai to solve puzzles as soon as Siuan had gained the shawl in order to determine whether she would be useful as an apprentice.
And Siuan had passed every riddle with flying colours.
"You may sit."
With a quiet nod Siuan sat down. Her eyes following the older woman across the room as she went back to the door, pulled out a golden key from her sleeve and locked the door. Once. Twice.
Cetalia moved to stand behind her, mustering her with a stern look. Siuan couldn't help but feel slightly intimidated, despite her years of being the Amyrlin.
The older woman sat down on the chair opposite Siuan and pointed to the documents laid out before them. "These are a few old reports."
Siuans brow furrowed. A few definitely being an understatement.
"I want you to puzzle out what happened forty or fifty years ago in Tarabon, Saldaea and Altara."
Siuan simply nodded and started getting to work, as if she didn't already know what had occurred back then.
Cetalia sometimes got up, walked around the room and gathered even more books for Siuan to use.
It was a very typical thing for the woman to do, but something about her felt off. At least from what Siuan could remember. But she couldn't quite place what it was.
At least for a while.
That was until a faint noise entered the room from the outside.
Siuan couldn't help but notice the sudden shift in Cetalia's demeanor the second she heard footsteps approaching.
She stopped in her tracks, interrupting what she was saying, only continuing once the steps had passed. Her eyes quickly darting between the door handle, the lock, and the door itself.
Due to her profession Cetalia had always been quite secretive about her work. But she seemed different today. Paranoid. Siuan couldn't recall ever seeing her in such distress.
Was she scared? And if so, of what? Of whom?
Before Siuan could press Cetalia on the matter or before she could even gather another thought, the old woman turned to her apprentice.
"You may retire now. Get something to eat. I will await you back here in an hour."
Siuan nodded. Her stomach twisted slightly. The unsettling feeling of dread and uncertainty lingered.
Though the uncomfortable feeling in her stomach could also be attributed the fact that it had already been growling for quite some time now. She felt as if she hadn't eaten in days. And that wasn't an understatement. The torture she had undergone by the sisters of the Tower also involved cutting her from all sources of food supply.
"Thank you, Cetalia."
Siuan quickly got up and made her way towards the door. She mustered the older woman next to her as she waited for her to unlock the door.
She looked... old. Fragile. For an Aes Sedai at least. She must have been over two hundred years old. Her skin was adorned with long thin wrinkles and her eyes shimmered with wisdom. Wisdom one could only acquire from a very long time at the Tower.
Finally the door opened and Siuan slipped outside. She looked back only once, wondering what was going on with the old woman, before making her way towards the dining hall. Avoiding any form of eye contact on her way.
The hall was a spacious high-ceilinged room, colorful tapestries decorated the white walls. The square tables, with elegantly carved legs, were only large enough to seat four sisters. Most of them were spaced far apart for privacy of conversation.
The bright floor tiles were patterned of all the Ajah colors, and the big, arched windows on one side of the hall let in a lot of sunlight.
Siuans gaze travelled over the different tables, scanning the room for Moiraine.
Only to find her sat at the same table they had eaten at every day.
Siuan made her way through the spaces between each of the tables, bumping into one or two of the novices, currently working as a servant, along the way. Each of them receiving a small apology from Siuan in return.
Finally, she reached Moiraines table. She still wore the same dress as when she had visited her in her room. A few strands of her hair had slipped out the twist her lover had styled them in and fell loosely around her face.
The Aes Sedai raised her head as she felt Siuan approaching.
"There you are! Did Cetalia make you work through old reports again?"
It took Siuan a few moments to reply. The sight of Moiraine, who she had thought to never be able to see again, stunned her. She still wasn't used to being back in time. To seeing Moiraine here, with her. To being young again. To being back at the tower. To any of this.
Imagines from her visions flashed through her mind, and in an attempt to rid herself of the awful memories of the future the Aes Sedai quickly shook her head.
"I will take that as a no?" Moiraine raised an eyebrow, carefully watching Siuan as she sat down on the chair next to her.
"No... no, I mean yes. I mean... yes, sorry. She did. But I won't tell you about what. The bloody woman would boil me down like an oil fish if she learned I let something slip." Siuan buried her face in her hands for a second, drawing a sharp breath before looking back up at Moiraine.
"Well... then let me do the talking. I've heard something that might pique your interest." The fair woman leaned closer to Siuan, looking at her with big eager eyes. The Tairien could feel her hot breath on her cheek, sending a faint shiver down her spine.
Moirianes voice was hushed as she continued. "I overheard one of Tamra's and Gitara's conversations earlier. They were discussing a report from Azil Mareed."
Siuan froze.
Her breath caught in her throat.
Tamra, Gitara, Azil.
Names of sisters, she hadn't heard in ages, that belonged to women long lost in the turning of the wheel.
The two latter of the names in particular caught her attention.
Azil Mareed was the High Captain of the Tower Guard. He was the advisor to the White Tower's representative as well as the person that knew everything about what was happening on the battlefield, sending reports to Tamra in regular intervals, reporting the latest news in the ongoing Aiel war to the Amyrlin and her Keeper.
The Aes Sedai and the Amyrlin in particular, were deeply involved in the development of the war. It had been thanks to negotiation from the White Tower that many of the other nations had assembled their armies at Tar Valon in support of Cairhien to face the Aiel threat. And by the final month of 978 NE, the Grand Alliance, consisting of the most important kingdoms, had assembled to meet the enemy in battle.
Not noticing the storm unraveling behind Siuan's eyes, Moiraine kept speaking.
"Apparently the Aiel are moving closer. Towards Tar Valon. Tamra said they believe the troops of the Aiel want to overrun the Allience and ransack the city." Moiraines eyes sparkled with a glint of fear. "Gitara believes the battle between the enemy and our troops will take place much sooner than she originally expected. But she believes that we can win. That the war could be over soon..."
The Cairhien woman paused for a second, taking Siuans hands into hers, her eyes practically glowing with excitement. And something Siuan hadn't seen in her in so long. Hope.
"Do you know what that means Siuan?"
Her voice full of emotion. "What we could do once the war is truly over? The places we could see? The people we could meet?"
She knew exactly what it meant. The war would be over. Everyone would celebrate. They would begin to plan their journey to Moiraines parents.
For a second Siuan let her gaze travel to the nearby windows, observing the light spilling through them. And she allowed herself to picture it: A peaceful life after the war with Moiraine at her side. The world would be perfect. Peaceful.
At least for a while.
The remembrance of the day of Gitara's vision spun in her head.
It would happen all over again.
That vision had ruined their happiness. It had turned the world upside down. It had ruined everything. And worst of all, it would happen again. Soon.
And then everything that followed in her last life would unravel again, in front of her very eyes. The frantic search for the Dragon. The separation. The long winding path towards failure. Towards her death.
Siuan swallowed the lump in her throat, barely holding it together.
"Yes." She mumbled quietly, forcing a small smile onto her lips. "I know exactly what that means.
But only she knew how short lived their dream of happiness and freedom would last.
And all the time Siuan thought she had was suddenly fleeting away in a mere instant. She didn't have that much time after all. The pattern was unraveling in front of her. It was happening again. Just as it had last time... She was running out of time.
Again.