Chapter Text
“What are you doing here?”
Jude trailed his gaze downwards. He couldn’t face Connor as he answered that question.
What could he say to him in response, anyway?
Some pretty good explanations flooded through his mind at the moment, but none could explain how he felt in the most Accurate and honest way.
He loved him, plain and simple. It wasn’t that hard to come to that realization. Jude Adams Foster could just surrender to his fate. He needed, wanted, Connor back.
A tense silence fell on them. The only audible sound was the sound of their soft breaths.
“What are you doing in a tux?”
Jude’s eyes met Connor’s and saw hurt flashing across his eyes because Connor knew why he was wearing a tuxedo, that day. He just wanted to hear it from Jude.
“Technically. it’s my wedding day.”
Connor tried to cover the short intake of breath leaving his lips through a soft cough, but every attempt was weak and unnecessary.
Jude had known him for the most part of his life.
He just knew when Connor was suffering and he was, in that moment, feeling his heart being cut in half in his chest. Jude could see it just looking at him in the eyes.
“Congratulations,” Connor said and when Jude shook his head in response Connor’s eyes widened in shock.
“I didn’t.” Jude exhaled, lowering down his gaze. “I couldn’t.”
Connor didn’t dare to ask, in that moment, what held him back. Why didn’t he go through with the wedding.. was he.. was he still in love with him?
“I see.”
Jude looked up and met Connor’s unreadable expression. “Talk to me..” he asked him with soft, trembling voice. “I, I need to know what’s going through your head, right now.”
Connor sighed as he sat down on the stairs of his front porch. Jude sat next to him. They weren’t touching but it felt like they were. Their shoulders were this close to touching and despite the revival need to lean in, Jude didn’t.
He gave Connor the space he needed. They sat in silence for the longest ten seconds of Jude’s life, then Connor finally spoke.
“I’m confused.”
Jude expected that.
“I mean.. I have pretty much an idea of why are you here but... I don’t understand..”
Jude sighed. “Are you referring to last year?”
Connor blushed softly in response, giving a soft nod of his head.
Jude had traveled for work to Santo Domingo, the previous year. He’d been gone from home for ten days in which, he hated to admit, he finally found himself again.
Things were pretty hectic at home and work and Jude needed some air, some space.
Cameron wouldn’t shut up about getting a house together and Jude agreed cause, hell, they’d been together for nine years. It was time for the next step and they both were ready for it. But the thing is.. Cameron sort of stressed him out about condos hunting and interior design and It was just too much, for Jude.
He’d gone to Santo Domingo for work and on the first night, he met Connor Stevens at the same restaurant.
Jude couldn’t believe it. He refused to believe it.
“Connor?”
“Jude?”
Jude expected anger and hurt to come back to the surface at the sight of his first, unforgettable love that took his heart and took it away with him to LA at the tender age of thirteen but none of that happened because They both couldn’t refrain the smile forming on their lips at the sight of one another.
“It’s been a while.”
Jude smiled and felt his cheeks getting warm for some reasons.
“Yeah.”
Connor asked him if he would like to join him for dinner and Jude found surprisingly easy to slip back into that comfort zone with Connor.
They laugh and cheers and reminisced old memories.
“It has been good to see you.”
Jude said before getting up from the table. Connor stood up as well, walking past the table and wrapping Jude into a brief hug.
Jude’s eyes fluttered close for a moment wondering why he felt like his body was about to combust.
He blamed it on the wine they had for dinner.
“Take care, Jude.”
Jude watched him walking out of the huge restaurant hall and he didn’t even try to dislodge his eyes from Connor’s frame.
As he was somehow following Jude’s train of thoughts, Connor turned around to look at him one more time, before opening the door. His lips quirked up in a soft smile that mirrored Jude’s.
“Bye, Connor.”
Jude whispered to himself after watching Connor walking out of that door.
For whatever reason, Jude couldn’t sleep that night. He texted Cameron goodnight (he was too tired to call him.) and spent the rest of the night staring at the ceiling.
When he finally drifted off to sleep, that night, He saw hazel eyes behind his closed eyelids.. the ones he was not supposed to dream, anymore.
They met again, two nights after that. Connor asked him if he wanted to join him for dinner and Jude once again accepted.
This time it was Jude that hugged him before going on separate ways. Connor’s hand was impossibly warm on his shirt, the heat radiating through his whole body, making him shiver into Connor’s arms.
He gave a soft sigh against Connor’s shoulder before pulling away from him.
“I’m in the mood for a walk on the beach.”
Connor’s eyes filled with hope. “Mind if I join you?”
Jude smiled softly as he shook his head. “Absolutely not.”
They walked in silence for a couple of kilometers, that until Jude sat down on the sand.
Connor gave a low chuckle before sitting down next to him.
“Do you remember that time I chased you on the rock?”
Jude couldn’t help but giggle. “I felt so bad afterward.. you were on crutches. You could have gotten hurt because of me.”
Connor sighed before brushing Jude’s hand with his own. “You were worthy of climbing any rocks. I would have climbed the Everest on my crutches, for you.”
Jude turned his face to look at Connor’s face as he said those words. He needed to check if he was serious.
“You mean it.” Jude realized absent-mindedly. Connor let out a strangled snort. “Of course I mean it. You still won’t believe me?”
“I’ve always believed you.”
Connor’s eyes were focused on waves crashing against the sand. His voice came out deep and filled with bitterness.
“Have you ever wondered what would have happened if I never left?”
“Yeah..” Jude had been thinking about it for the following years that followed their breakup, wondering every single day what would have been like.
Connor turned to look at him. There were fear and fragility in his eyes and features. His voice was incredibly low-pitched and full of wonder.
“Do you think we would be together? Right now, I mean..”
Jude shrugged as a hollow smile spread on his lips.
“I’d like to think so. I’d like to think that we would have been together, right now.”
“W-we can fix that.”
Jude’s mouth fell open in surprise, his heart raced in his chest. “W-what do you mean?”
“Us.” Connor said. “We can fix what we’ve broken.”
Jude closed his eyes as he let the warm breeze washing over him.
“I have a boyfriend, Connor. I..I can’t do this to him.”
“D-do you love him?”
“I do.”
“Do you still love me?” Connor asked him wholeheartedly and Jude didn’t know how to deal with that because what he’d been praying for the most part of his teenage years had gone to reality but at the wrong timing.
Jude’s voice burst in a pained moan. “I do.”
“I think. I think we can do this, Jude. I.. I think we can do things right this time.”
Connor moaned in pain when Jude’s eyes started filling with tears. “Don’t cry..”
“Y-you have no idea how much I’ve waited for this moment to happen.”
Connor wiped the wetness underneath Jude’s eyes as he said. “It’s happening, right now.”
Connor’s soft words did nothing but made Jude feel ten thousand times worse. He kept crying, unable to stop at the thought of having the conversation with Cameron.
“I c-can’t.”
“Because you’re scared or because you don’t want me?”
Connor was his first love and first loves are something people never forget.
It had always been there, in the darkest corner of his heart. He’d always been part of him and here he was, willing to fix what had been broken and Jude... Jude had someone waiting for him at home.
Jude couldn’t bring himself to answer that question.
Cameron made him happy. Cameron healed his damaged heart with his soft smile and bright eyes. Cameron didn’t deserve this.
“I can’t do this to him.”
Connor let go of Jude’s hand. “So that’s just it? You’re willing to be with someone even if that means neglect your own happiness?”
Jude’s heart couldn’t sink any lower at those words sharp like a knife but never been truer.
“He makes me happy. He doesn’t deserve this. Y-you mean the world to me, Connor but.. I can’t d-do this to him, I’m so sorry, Connor. I’m.. I’m so s-sorry.”
Connor’s arms wrapped around his shoulders and let Jude cry against his chest. He was still sobbing when Connor’s heard muffled words against his shirt.
“What?”
Jude sniffed softly before meeting Connor's mesmerizing eyes. "Can you kiss me? One last time?"
Connor searched for hesitation in Jude's eyes but he found none. He was serious. Jude wanted him to kiss him, one last time.
"It's okay if you don't want to.."
Connor shook his head as to clear it from the voices that were screaming at him all the reasons why it was such a bad idea. "I want to."
“I know it’s late.” Jude said with broken voice. “It’s been a year since then and.. I’m aware that I turned you down, so many times I’ve honestly lost count.”
“I hurt you, too.” Connor’s hand reached for his own. Jude happily clasped them together on his knee.
“We hurt each other and the thought of hurting someone else.. I couldn’t do it. I wasn’t brave enough to fight for my own happiness and I ended up hurting Cameron, a lot more. Hurting the both of us.. a lot more.”
Connor nodded as he rested his head against Jude’s shoulder.
“He deserves happiness.” Connor said. “But You do too. We all do.”
“I want that with you.” Jude watched Connor’s head slowly lifting up until their noses were brushing.
“If you still want that..”
Connor smiled as he spoke softly against Jude’s lips.
“How I’m supposed to say no? You’ve called off a wedding because of me. .. That’s like the epitome of romance. .”
Jude gave a low chuckle; his eyes flickering to Connor’s tongue wetting his lips. “It has always been you.” Jude breathed against his lips before closing the gap between them.
He kept kissing the man he was going to run towards the sunset with, for the rest of his life, until their lips were numb and swollen.