Chapter Text
It’s all your fault.
It’s always your fault.
Your. Fault.
He woke up with a start, his heart racing, and sat up looking at his hands in his lap. Cold sweat ran down his temples, and he shivered slightly. His breath got caught in his chest for a few moments, and he slowly relaxed his clenched fists with a controlled exhale. He looked over to his left, and saw the still sleeping lump lying under rumpled pink covers, legs out in the open. She’s still here. He squeezed his eyes shut, before opening them again. He could feel the heavy and dark bags under his eyes. Sighing, he got out of his bed, and walked over to Ema’s side, covering her fully with her blanket. Eyes lingering on her, he bit his lower lip before leaving the room. Maybe a warm beverage would calm me down.
Taking the elevator, Allen looked down the entire time, too tired to keep up a happy front. The little sleep he got was no good, he could feel that the day was not going to be kind to him as well. Heaving yet another sigh, he stepped out of the elevator, and walked sluggishly towards the kitchen. A cup of coffee was in his plans, until he heard his name.
“Allen!”
A crash led to a thud. Rubbing the back of his head in pain, Allen wondered idly when such painful encounters would stop happening on a daily basis. A flash of annoyance rushed through his body when he saw the cheeriness on their faces, but he shoved it down his throat vehemently. He looked up at a flushed Tsubaki, and then the calmer, but similarly delighted Azusa standing behind his twin, and smiled at them confusedly. “I am happy that you’re so excited to see me, but did something happen?”
“‘Did something happen’, he asks. Listen to him talk! Nothing happened, only the most extrordinary, the most amazing, most wonderful announcement ever!”
“Well, he wouldn’t know if you keep talking like that,” Azusa rolled his eyes in exasperation, pulling his twin up from the ground while smiling apologetically at Allen. “We got news from our company, that our favourite anime was being renewed for a second season.”
“I auditioned for the main lead!” Tsubaki exclaimed, before pointing at the black-haired male with his thumb. “Azusa’s auditioned for the antogonist too.”
Cue the sparkly eyes. Allen really wanted to be happy for them, but he could barely dredge up any energy to keep his smile up.
“And,” Tsubaki pipped. “It’s not just any favourite anime, it’s the one and only that inspired us to go into voice-acting. I can’t believe we actually get to do this!”
Tar in his throat made it hard for sounds to climb up, it was too slippery almost for any noise to escape. It clogged up his throat, and stuck his tongue up to the roof of his mouth, and he wished he could scratch it away, but experience told him it would be to no avail.
(Inspiration. Inspiration brought me here. My own dreams made me crash.)
Allen blinked a bit, enough to see the twins staring at him in concern. “Allen, you look kinda pale there. You okay?”
“Yes. Yes, I’m fine.” A bashful smile their way and they are convinced. “I’m very happy for both of you, getting to play a part in something that inspired you… yes, that’s great.” The sunlight that shone through the window dimmed as clouds passed by, casting a dark shadow over a face, where dark pellets of silver glinted. Shivers ran down their spines, and Tsubaki and Azusa just watched Allen excuse himself back to his room, his shoulders hunched, head down. They shared yet another meaningful look, before going on with their usual work, albeit quietly.
Somehow, Allen always looked defeated to them. The air around him just screamed at them, and they wanted to help. They just felt this need to drag him out of it, before they saw someone they were beginning to know self-destruct.
But life got in the way.
Just as usual.
A phone rang.
“Hello? Okay, we’ll be right there. Let’s go, Azusa!”
He tried, he really did. But his foot still fell too heavily to the ground, causing a creak to sound. He tensed up, and pricked his ears to pick up on any sounds, relaxing when nothing came to his notice. Then he noticed how terribly he failed when he raised his head to find brown eyes looking at him blearily, followed by tiny black eyes.
Allen shrugged his shoulders lightly, a guilty smile on his face. “Oops?”
A light giggle and yawn were the responses he got, and his heart felt lightened. The nightmare from the darker days was being rushed away. Sameness, that’s good.
“Sei, don’t you have any work today?” Ema asked while rubbing the sleep away from her eyes. A slight shake of the head, and her eyes immediately brightened. “Hmm, I don’t have anything on today either.”
A tiny squeaky voice suggested, “You should both spend some time together! It’s rare you both have nothing to do on the same day!”
Humming, she peeked at her brother shyly. The ice wall the nightmare reconstructed thawed slightly, and he casually looked over to the rest of their room. Spotting a game cover that looked familiar, like the one a certain ginger passed to Ema, he paused to look longer, and smiled at Ema. “How about we spend the day playing the game Natsume-san passed you?” She seemed to bloom, life just effusing out of her. “Okay! Let me just wash up a bit.” And she scrambled out of the room, a new spring in her footsteps. He could vaguely hear the sound of the bathroom door sliding open and close.
Allen smiled at the game cover on the ground with blank eyes. Black eyes stared.
“Ahh, I died again.” The dual-colour-haired idol groaned as he threw his head back, cracking his neck slightly. The two were playing the intensely difficult game, their bean bags dragged to the front of the television screen, empty instant noodle cups and boxes of snacks littering the ground around them. The brunette laughed lightly and nudged her brother with her elbow. “Hey, considering this is the first time you ever played this game, you’re pretty good.”
“Even after failing for the first, oh I don’t know, three hours?”
“Yep!”
He smiled back at her and watched her restart the level. Nonchalantly, he made an off-hand comment just as they started playing one-on-one again. “I’m sorry Chi, I don’t really play a lot of games with you. But life isn’t really fair sometimes,” he ended with a short laugh, hoping that it would cancel out the heaviness in his heart.
“I know, I’m fine! Honestly, I’m happy with how things are,” Ema assured him, giving up looking at the screen to focus on him. Allen couldn’t push down the happiness he felt bubbling, so a blush appeared on his face while he grinned back at her.
Alas, life really wasn’t fair. His phone beeped, and he read the incoming message. Heaving a sigh and withholding a wince at her knowing look, he smiled guiltily at her. “How about we play another two rounds?”
“I’ll win this time too!”
“Really? I’m pretty sure I have the tricks nailed down now.”
Laughter rang throughout the room, and Juli snuggled further into the quilt, smiling in his sleep.
“Sorry for calling you in so suddenly, Hyuuga-senpai,” Tokiya apologised again. Laughing it off, Allen just curled up with a blanket on the couch next to Ranmaru. “It’s fine, Tokiya. At least now we’re almost done with this song, and we can practise properly in time for the concert.” He stretched his whole body, leaning against Ranmaru, who was busy peeling a banana. Ren swung his arm around Tokiya’s shoulder, grinning. “That’s right, Icchi, little kitten loves us enough to do this.” Smiling exasperatedly and amusedly at Tokiya’s expression, Allen yawned, spotting a mug of steaming hot coffee in front of him just before he got up to get a drink. He looked up to see Camus sipping his tea, flipping through a magazine with his other hand. Smiling slightly, the black-blue haired idol breathed in the fragance, then tasting it with the enthusiasm of a caffeiene addict, and the tenderness of a long-forgotten lover. Two sugars with a dash of cream. Just the way I love it.
Allen leaned against his closest friend’s side again, cradling the mug with both hands, retrieving warmth from a source he missed. An arm swung around his own shoulders, as Ranmaru shared with him a new piece of music, a “masterpiece”, that he just found on the net.
I, I am surrounded by love. He thought to himself as he listened to Ren teasing Tokiya, with Ranmaru raving on about a new band beside him, and the quiet sighs and flipping of pages. He basked in the atmosphere, thinking of another similar situation in his new home, smiling as he remembered his dear sister, father, and new family. However, his focus was always on the others; he hardly ever saw himself as someone playing a large role in any activities taking place around him. They were the ones enjoying, while he merely observed. He always watched, and was always on the outskirts, always unmoving as he watched the liveliness pass him by. And as always, his thoughts soon took a dark turn.
Yet there’s something lacking. I bring disharmony and unhappiness to them the most.
How am I supposed to repay anyone, or be around anyone?
(The shoe on the other side is bound to drop anytime now. Since when has it been different?)
“Yeah, I’ll just wait for you outside,” Ranmaru yawned out as he leaned most of his body weight against the front of his baby. “Hurry up, alright?” he shouted after Allen, returning to using his smartphone. The younger idol just waved his hand in affirmation, turning the corner through the main gates, sighing as he remembered his last text. Unfortunately, he had to stay overnight again at Ranmaru’s place, so that they could finally go through the song again until they had the choreography down. He had wanted to tell Ema directly, but she had texted him an hour into the meeting, two hours before he came home.
From: Chi <3 (the name Ema gave herself in his phone when they both finally had one never failed to bring a smile to his face)
“Sei, I’m heading out for a bite with Natsume-san! The time you were gone, I couldn’t get through the dessert level (insert snoring emoji here), so I gave up and asked Natsume-san for help. Then he told me to just meet him at the Epigaea[1] and White Acacia[2]Caf é , because he isn’t good with writing instructions (insert cry-laughing emoji here). Can you believe him? I’m kind of scared, but oh well. Everything has a first time right? Maybe now, he’d be more like a brother than a stranger. Anyway, I’m just telling you now in case you come back home early while Juli’s sleeping (like always) and get worried. Good luck with your work! (insert sparkly eyes and thumbs up emojis here).”
Feeling resigned and cold, Allen had typed back a response.
To: Chi <3
“Alright, remember to come back home early before it turns dark. If it’s too late, ask Natsume-san to give you a ride. I’m sure he’d be willing to. If he doesn’t, I’m sure Juli will throw a fit, and so will I. You have nothing to worry Chi, you always have a knack with charming everyone around you. I’m sure he’s no exception. Furthermore, there’re so many things you two can talk about. He’s a higher-up in the game company you love, exploit that fact and discuss about your favourite games with him. I’m sure he’d love that.
Unfortunately, tonight I won’t be home. I need to stay over at Ran’s place again, so don’t stay up late waiting for me. I’ll see you tomorrow. (insert sunflower emoji here)”
He stared at his open message once more, then with a click, he shut his phone, and trudged into the house. Or at least he wanted to, until he saw a black-haired male sitting at the stairs to the front door, head facing down to the ground, his entire posture emitting signs of defeat. Worried, Allen inched closer to the downtrodden male. “Azusa-san? Are you alright?”
Azusa looked up so quickly, Allen guessed that he had been too engrossed in his own thoughts to have heard him walking. “Ah, Allen-kun,” he smiled, almost painfully so. “Am I blocking your way? I’m sorry.” The older male tried to move aside, but instead of entering the house, Allen sat down beside him.
Perhaps Azusa-san didn’t expect me to willingly sit beside him, Allen thought wryly as his stepbrother looked at him surprised. “Is there something the matter?”
“W-why would you say that?”
A side of his mouth pulled up into a smile unknowingly, and the teenager gave him a knowing look. Almost embarrassedly, Azusa chuckled softly, then looked back down at his tangled fingers. “Well, Tsubaki told you this morning, that we auditioned for our favourite anime, right?”
A nod was his only response, encouraging the troubled voice actor to continue.
“We just got notified that I got the role Tsubaki wanted instead, and he got the villain’s role.”
Ah, I see.
Azusa would be surprised to know that Allen knew exactly what he was talking about and more. Much more. A self-depreciating smile hung at his lips, and the bitterness of guilt regret and despair overtook his mouth again. This is nothing, nothing, compared to what I did.
He hummed out loudly, and closed his eyes. He imagined what Chi would do if the situation were that of theirs instead. For such a minor matter, he knew exactly what she would do. Peering at the overcast sky that blocked out the sunlight and provided shade, Allen tried to articulate his thoughts as well as possible, with consideration to the situation.
“If I may, Azusa-san, I believe that Tsubaki-san would laugh at you for feeling this way.”
Azusa barely held back an indignant retort, but it died on the tip of his tongue when he saw the expression on Allen’s face.
“I know Chi would,” he said, affection colouring his words. Sighing, he continued. “She’d say that I was worrying for nothing, and even though she might feel slightly envious at first, she’d move on and fully cheer me on.
“I’m sure Tsubaki-san would be the same. He may even hit you if you continue feeling like you don’t deserve it.”
Grey eyes darkened, and thoughts ran across his mind too quickly for him to control them.
“Even if you know you don’t deserve it, you owe it to him to do your best, don’t you?”
Breath taken away, Azusa stared at Allen for a long while, before he turned to look back at the sprawling yard quickly, eyes suspiciously bright. Finally, as the sky cleared and the sun shone brightly down at them, Azusa finally cracked a genuine smile, though it was small. The breeze blew across the yard, and the scarlet geranium[3] flowers danced with the wind. He breathed in the scent deeply, relaxing his entire body as he exhaled.
“Thank you.”
Before Allen could answer, a white-haired individual stalked out from the side of the house, stopping just before the two on the stairs. A fierce glare was on his face as Tsubaki pulled Azusa up by the collar on his shirt.
“You better listen to Allen and not act like an idiot and quit the job,” he threatened. It seems that Azusa-san is constantly in shock today, the amusing thought passed his mind as Allen watched Tsubaki dial up their manager and state that Azusa was taking up the job offer, all the while Azusa just stared without a word.
Once the role was secured for Azusa, Tsubaki punched his identical twin on the shoulder, grunting out, “You better not disappoint me.” Allen sighed in relief as the twins walked into the house laughing together, before spotting another head of white peeking around the side of the gates. Laughing, he jogged over to Ranmaru, who had been being the usual overly curious snoop he was. “Come on, I think I still need some time before we can go yet. You wanna wait inside instead?”
Shrugging, Ranmaru couldn’t resist the temptation of exploring a new place. “Sure, why not?” he answered as he put on his leather jacket, striding into the house as though he were the new owner. Hastily pulling off his boots, he quickly disappeared into the living room while Allen laughed at him, tidying up the place after Ranmaru.
It was only after he was done rearranging the shoes at the entranceway, that he heard something strange. The house was almost ringing with silence, that screamed awkwardness and hostility. He entered the living room, and saw Azusa staring at Ranmaru with, dare he say, caution and a bit of anger, while Tsubaki just stood there awkwardly with his arms hanging at his sides. Ranmaru was, of course, he sighed mentally, continuing with his scrutiny of the place.
A smile painted on his face, Allen approached the strange sight of the trio, stopping beside his friend. “Tsubaki-san, Azusa-san, this is my friend and colleague, Kurosaki Ranmaru. Ran, these are my new stepbrothers, Tsubaki-san and Azusa-san. You may recognise each other from the wedding.”
“Yo, nice to meet y’all.”
“Yes… nice to meet you too.”
“Nice to meet cha.”
The continuing hostile silence was too suffocating, so Allen decided to just do what he could think of. Flinging his room key at Ranmaru, who caught it purely due to his superior athletic reflexes, Allen smiled sweetly at him. “My room’s on the third floor. I’m sure you know how to read my nameplate of course?” The only response he got was a rolling of the grey and red eyes, and a scoff, before Ranmaru heeded the unspoken plea.
Tsubaki tried to follow Allen’s example, and nudged his opposite counterpart as well. “You gotta explain to the manager about your initial reaction. She wasn’t happy with your earlier response, and I have a feeling that her mood soured even more when I took up the offer for you just now.” Paling slightly, Azusa nodded, before walking off to the elevator to get to his room. Unfortunately, there was only one lift in the house, and Azusa and Ranmaru met at the ground lobby. Sparks could almost be seen emitting from the intense glaring competition between the two, but the doors closed before Allen could try to intervene. Sighing again, he thought to himself that perhaps, just perhaps, Tsubaki was not the best person to expect a good follow-up from.
Looking back at Tsubaki, Allen’s exasperation slowly evolved into a sense of empathy towards him.
Fate really loves toying with people, doesn’t she?
His gaze softened as he watched Tsubaki’s confident stature shrivel into that of a dampened spirit. “I’m sure you’ll do perfectly fine as the villain as well,” he tried to comfort his stepbrother. “After all, your acting was enough to convince Chi and I that you and Azusa-san were lovers the first night.” Tsubaki snickered at the reminder of that incident, just as Allen thought he would. But soon, the grim look in his eyes returned, and he lost his smile.
“Say Al,” Tsubaki started, stuffing his hands into the pockets of his jeans. “You don’t think my voice acting is that bad, right?”
“Well, I can’t say for sure, since I’ve only heard it once.” Tsubaki visibly deflated when he heard that, looking down at the ground, but his ears perked up as Allen continued his answer. “But what I heard was great, so I believe that perhaps the judges merely had a different type of voice and personality in mind for the lead role. You’ve been casted as the villain, that’s another lead role. Villains help shape the hero, and allow the hero to grow and mature. That’s something that’s crucial too, isn’t it?”
Flushing slightly, Tsubaki laughed and swept an arm around Allen’s shoulders, drawing him closer to him. He grinned brightly and thanked Allen cheerily. “You know, you can be a motivational speaker. You have a really great way with words, thanks for helping with me and Azusa.”
Do I really?
“Of course,” Allen smiled shyly.
The moment was quickly broken by the calling of Allen’s name. “Oi, Hinata! I got your recordings and notebook. Let’s hurry and leave. Too slow.” Ranmaru strutted into the room, hand holding a thumb drive and sketchbook up.
“Oh, right,” the youngest in the room remembered. “Tsubaki-san, I won’t be coming home tonight due to work. Please help me apologise to Kyo-nii and everyone else.” Blinking, Tsubaki agreed, and stared after Allen. “Ran, you can go and start the engine first, I’ll catch up soon.”
Opening the fridge, Allen debated which canned drinks to take. He did feel bad for making Ranmaru wait so long, especially when they didn’t have much time to spare outside of perfecting their routine.
Coffee sounds good. Americano or espresso? Maybe mocha? Ran does have a sweet tooth.
Hand reached out for two cans of mocha, Allen hurried and put his shoes on at the entranceway. Before he left however, Tsubaki clasped his shoulder, and grinned. “Call me Tsuba-nii too, will ya? Azusa will definitely like it too!”
Lips stretched into a smile, while brows furrowed slightly, as though seeing no way out. “Then, goodbye Tsuba-nii.”
Hand waving cheerfully, Tsubaki saw Allen off. Just after Allen got onto the motorcycle after passing Ranmaru his drinks, he saw a black car stop just outside the residence while he was preparing to wear his helmet. Narrowing his eyes, he nudged Ranmaru and nodded towards the car, when Ema and Natsume alighted. Ranmaru just sighed and made a shooing motion with his left hand, taking off his helmet. Squeezing Ranmaru’s arm slightly in thanks, Allen got off the bike and walked towards Ema. When Ema saw Allen, her eyes brightened, and a radiating smile appeared on her face. “Sei! Weren’t you staying over at Kurosaki-san’s place?”
“Yes, I was,” he replued fondly. “But I came backc to get some stuff. How was your talk? Do you think you can finally get past the level?”
“Oh… okay. Yep! It’s all thanks to Natsume-san though.”
Smiling tightly, he glanced over at the orange-haired male. Or rather, he stretched his neck and looked up at Natsume. I still hate my height after all, he bemoaned silently. “Thank you for bringing her home,” he said with empty eyes.
Natsume looked back at him awkwardly. “Well, I obviously would’ve, even without your message.”
Allen smiled sharply, remembering the other text he had sent out.
To: Asahina Natsume
“Dear Natsume-san,
Thank you for indulging my sister and taking out your time to talk with her. I’m afraid that I myself do not get the chance to do it often, and so, I’m thankful she can now talk to someone with the same interests as her.
However, it would be very appreciated if you could fetch her home after your talk. I fear for her safety; the streets are not as safe as they were before. Please do take care of my sister. Thank you for your trouble.
—Hinata Allen.”
Ema waved at Ranmaru, who waved back, the exchange between Allen and Natsume clearly going unnoticed.
“Sei, don’t you have to go soon? Your concert’s coming up soon isn’t it?” his sister asked worriedly, as it seemed as though Allen wasn’t leaving soon.
His attention back, he smiled at his sister and agreed. “Yes, I do. Don’t play the night away,” he teased her playfully. Blushing slightly, she pushed him slightly while laughing, seeing him off.
“Bye Sei! Don’t work too hard!”
“I won’t, I won’t,” he promised with light eyes. “Bye, Chi.”
And the engine revved, separating his sister and him, leaving her alone in the house with the stepbrothers.
Well, I’m sure Juli will take care of things. He’s always been prone to be overprotective.
“Phew, finally. We’re done for the day,” Ren sighed out as he collapsed on the black sofa, head leaning against the top of the back. Tokiya stood at a side, drying his hair with a towel, while Ranmaru chugged down some water and Camus continued doing cooling down stretches. Smiling at them all, Allen finished up his notes on how the practise went for the day. Once done, he too stretched his arms up above his head, bending sideways to relieve his backache.
“Al, you should go shower first.” Ranmaru practically shoved him towards the bathroom, while the younger idol laughed amusedly and just went with the flow. “Alright, alright. I’ve been here enough times that I would think I know the way around this place,” he teased, a playful glint in his eyes. All he got as a response was a ruffling of his black and blue hair, before he was left on his own.
A few minutes later, the long damp hair hung around his shoulders, while Allen tried to dry them as well as he could with his towel. As he headed back to the common area, he went unnoticed for a while, due to his soft footfalls. His ears picked up soft whispers, that were too quiet for him to hear at times. But what he could hear, he was curious about.
“But surely he would… perhaps… concert?”
“I guess… could work… surprise?”
“Guests… audience would be… much…”
“He’s… too open… family…”
Before he could hear more, he was found out. Ren cocked his head and announced happily, “Litten kitten’s done! Well gentlemen, please excuse me while I depart for my much-needed rejuvenation.” His statement caused the others to realise Allen’s presence, and they too started preoccupying themselves with their individual activities. With his dramatic flair, Ren left the living room, winking at Allen as he passed by him.
And once again, as Allen turned to gaze at the remaining people curiously, Ranmaru distracted him from his original plan. Who could ever resist tiramisu from the famous Golden Swan patisserie?
It wasn’t until he was in bed, facing Ranmaru’s back, that he realised he never got around to finding out what exactly had been happening.
I’m sure it’s just me being paranoid… They, especially Ranmaru, would never do anything to harm me. They wouldn’t. Right?
Those were his only thoughts, as he fell into a dark abyss.
[1] Meaning budding
[2] Meaning friendship
[3] Meaning comfort, consolation