Chapter Text
Harry could not sleep.
Or rather, he did not want to fall asleep.
For the past two weeks, whenever he had closed his eyes at night the same picture had manifested in his mind. The picture of his mother lying dead on the floor.
It was not a particularly gruesome memory, there was no blood and Harry imagined that people who did not know the context of this scene might even describe it as peaceful.
But the truth was in her eyes.
If anyone were to look into those desaturated green irises every single night like Harry had been, they would notice the film of pure horror that shimmered through. They would see the pain of watching her husband get killed and knowing she would be next.
And if they knew that there had been a baby crying in it's crib not three feet away and those little cries were the last thing she heard before she died, maybe then they could begin to comprehend the severity of it all.
But even then, no one could ever understand completely what it was like being that child.
He had survived because Lily Evans Potter had loved him like only a mother could.
Even now Harry could not quite fully understand it himself sometimes.
He sat under his blanket and revised his transfiguration homework for the fifth time today. The low light of his wand and the hard mattress under him were strangely comforting.
Harry had always doubted his magical abilities. He thought that most other witches and wizards got an unfair headstart at magic and he was running behind because he grew up with zero knowledge of the existence of magic and was thrown into this world only two years ago.
Back then, when he had started his first year at Hogwarts, it had not been this bad yet.
He was mostly overwhelmed by all the new amazing things he had found. He felt grateful to be given this opportunity in the first place and comforted himself with the thought that he was just like any other muggle born student.
But he grew more and more unsteady when he realized how much the wizarding world expected from him and how little he was actually able to give back.
He feared that they would cast him out as soon as they learned that he can not repay this debt.
To Harry it felt like he was disappointing everyone.
He was losing himself again.
His blanket fort abruptly became suffocating.
He closed the transfiguration book and put it on the bedside table with the parchment and quill and took a deep breath.
Then he pulled his invisibility cloak and the Marauder's map from under his pillow and left the dorm silently.
He needed to take a walk, clear his mind.
There was no way of telling how late it was by the black sky outside the windows and Harry did not care, he just hoped he could enjoy the tranquility of the castle at this time of day.
For a while Harry explored the halls in complete silence. It was quiet enough that he could hear his heart beat slowing down and not a single soul crossed his way.
These kinds of nights were his favourite.
He even felt safe enough to fold the map and put it away.
Though because Harry's nightly trips rarely turned out the way he wanted them to and the universe felt the need to remind him that all good things must come to an end eventually, five minutes later he ran head first into another student as he turned a corner.
He groaned.
His glasses flew off his face and he stumbled backwards. His cloak slipped from his shoulders.
"Merlin, that hurts." A voice he didn't recognize spoke.
A pause.
"What are you doing here?" The student, another boy, said irritated as Harry hastily picked up his invisibility cloak and searched the ground for his glasses.
"Nothing, just taking a walk..." he mumbled.
"You're glasses are over here, Potter."
Before he could say another word a pair of spectacles was pushed into his hands.
"Thanks." Harry said awkwardly and put them back on. Now that his vision was focused again he could see the other boy clearly.
It was a Slytherin. Harry recognized him from their Defense lessons but did not remember his name, if he had ever said it.
The boy stood in front of him, back straight and his hands in the pockets of his robe, eyeing Harry sharply.
"Sorry, who are you?" Harry asked.
He eyed him some more before he answered.
"Theodore Nott."
Clear and concise. It seemed to Harry like this guy was not very happy to be in this situation. If he had to guess he'd say it was because he had interrupted him doing something shady.
"And what are you doing here?"
Harry knew he probably would not get an honest answer, but he figured it was worth a shot.
"Taking a walk." Nott copied, still watching him. Harry thought he looked like an owl.
Soft brown hair, observant grey eyes. The greyest eyes that Harry had ever seen before, so grey that he could hardly believe they were the one's of a human.
Odd kid, this Theodore Nott.
"Can I go now or have you lost something else that I need to help find?"
If Harry has had any interest in acting friendly with the Slytherin, it disappeared immediately.
"That depends, do you plan on stealing, torturing or killing? Because then I'd have to ask you to stay.
Something shifted in Nott's face.
"What, because I'm sneaking around at night?"
"Because you are a Slytherin sneaking around at night. I don't trust snakes."
Nott nodded slowly as if Harry had confirmed something to him.
Then he started coming closer, moving towards Harry lazily.
Instinctively Harry took a step back.
His back hit the wall.
Nott stopped only a few centimetres in front of him. He stared right into his eyes. A storm was brewing.
His voice was low and emotionless when he spoke.
"You're prejudiced, Golden Boy."
Harry held the eye contact.
He was about to respond when Professor Snape came strutting down the hall, his robes drifting like dark clouds behind him.
"Care to explain what the two of you are doing here in the middle of the night? I heard your little get-together from three corridors away, has it occured to you that most people in this castle intend to be asleep?"
Snape looked at both of them with his ever menacing expression.
"I'm sorry professor, I was actually on my way to see you when I ran into Potter. There is a matter that I need to discuss with you."
Harry stared at Nott perplexed. It's like he was a different person, suddenly all nice and polite. He wanted to stay on Snape's good side, it seemed. But what could he possibly need to talk to him about this late?
"And you, Potter?"
"Harry has a meeting with me."
Professor Lupin had appeared at Snape's side without a sound.
"Isn't that right?"
"Oh, yes. Very important meeting. Right now."
Harry stuttered, he had barely recovered from the sheer ridiculousness of the whole situation.
Lupin pulled him away from the other two and did not talk again until they were out of earshot.
"Be honest with me, Harry. What was that?"
"Well, originally I just wanted to get some air, but then I ran into Nott, like, literally. And then we sorta got into a fight, I guess? I don't know if you can really call it that-"
"Alright, that's enough. I'm not mad, Harry."
Lupin said warmly.
"You're not? But I broke the rules." Harry asked confused.
The professor smiled.
"Yeah, well, I'm not a huge fan of rules either. Want to go take a walk to the lake? I could use some fresh air as well."
Harry looked up at his teacher and grinned.
A nice chill caressed Harry's skin as he followed Lupin out of the school.
For a while neither of them spoke.
Harry let his gaze wander over the familiar fields. His mind had finally stilled, his thoughts had ceased whining and clinging on to the walls of his conciousness.
His eyes turned to the dark blue sky.
He imagined it to be an ocean, deep waters that swallowed all sound and feeling. The stars were bright and beautiful and Harry started counting them mindlessly as he walked.
He got to thirteen before Professor Lupin started talking.
"Are you alright? You look tired."
They stopped under a tree by the edge of the lake. Harry felt his professor's eyes on him.
"I'm okay. Just can't sleep sometimes."
He avoided the eye contact by pretending to be amazed by the subtle motion of the waves.
"By the way, Harry, where did you get that map?"
He needed a second to remember the Marauder's map in his pocket.
"How do you know about that?" He asked curiously. There is no way he had seen it.
"I recognize a Marauder when I see one."
Harry wondered what his professor meant by that.
"Do you need me to give it up to you? I reckon I shouldn't be using it."
"No, keep it, James would have wanted you to have it. That invisibility cloak, too."
At the mention of his father's name Harry turned around.
"You knew my father?"
"We were best friends. We created that map. James, me and..."
Harry's eyes were wide, desperate.
"Tell me about him. Please."
Professor Lupin nodded and sighed deeply before starting.
"Well, he was a real trouble maker. Popular and funny and always up to no good."
He smiled sadly and continued.
"He loved his friends dearly and never hesitated to fight for them. I see a lot of him in you. But you got your kindness and your strenght from your mother. She was an excellent witch and a truly wonderful person. Always genuine, hardworking and forgiving. And you, Harry..."
He paused and studied him for a moment.
"You are the perfectly chaotic combination of both. You can be proud of who you are."
Harry gaped at the man in front of him.
It was impossible to describe everything he was feeling right now.
No one had ever spoken like this about his parents to him, every word had been so honest it was almost unbearable.
He was happy to know more about them, stressed because he had to live up to their expectations and wondering how much of them was part of him.
Harry detected a bit of envy too somewhere in his guts.
There was also the grief because he still missed them, maybe even more than before, and the hurtful realization that his parents had just been regular people with normal lives and there were people like Lupin who have spent their whole childhood with them, who had all right to hate Harry for surviving.
And yet Professor Lupin had shown him nothing but kindness.
Harry found a deep respect inside of himself for this man that stood against the backdrop of the nightly irish landscape like he belonged there, with the brightest smile on his face as if he was not carrying the wound of his best friend's death and the burden of life itself.
To Harry it was sort of comforting and inspiring. Like no matter what happened to him in life, no matter how bad it got, he could survive it and come back here, veiled by the night, and count the stars.
"Can you teach me?" He heard himself say.
"Excuse me?"
"Those dementors... they keep attacking me. I don't understand why and I'm really scared of them. I don't want to freeze again like I did during our first lesson, I want to be prepared to fight against them. Can you teach me how?"
Harry tried to convey how important this was to him through his eyes. The dementors would only be the beginning.
Professor Lupin chuckled lightly.
"Okay. It does seem like the dementors have taken a special interest in you and if I had to guess, I would say it is because you have experienced a lot of terrible things in your young life. More than most kids. The dementors can sense that. I will try to teach you what I know, but for now I think we should head back to the castle. Get a little sleep first and I promise I will come back to you on this, alright?"
"Okay. Thank you, professor."
The walk back to the castle and to the dormitory was an uneventful one.
Harry thought about everything that had happened tonight. His encounter with Nott and Snape and his promise with Lupin and for the first time in weeks he did not have a nightmare.
~
Severus, being the night owl that he was, happily volunteered to take over the patroling of the halls after curfew for this week again.
It's not like he enjoyed the extra work, but roaming around the castle in solitude was great to clear your head and over the years he learned that the most interesting meetings happened at night.
In addition to that he got a lot of fun out of giving out detention to every student he found outside of bed and there was always at least one kid who thought it was funny to ignore the curfew.
Although now that Sirius Black was around Severus would actually have to be on guard.
So he wandered the long corridors in silence, paying attention to the cracking of heavy wooden doors and the scratching of tiny rodent feet in between stone walls.
He had walked for hours when he heard something suspicious.
There was a pair of children's voices not far away. Severus followed the sound, happy to have found another victim.
He made a left turn and another one at the end of the hallway before he finally found his students.
He recognized them as Harry Potter and Theodore Nott and thanked Merlin that they were only glaring at each other coldly instead of actually fighting.
"Care to explain what the two of you are doing here in the middle of the night? I heard your little get-together from three corridors away, has it occured to you that most people in this castle intend to be asleep?"
Yes, that should have done it. Severus was well aware of his ability to intimidate the students and he used it efficiently to make them say what he wanted to hear.
He was less surprised by Potter running around at night, as that boy seemed to do so every night. But this was a first for Nott and he was expecting an explanation from him.
"I'm sorry professor, I was actually on my way to see you when I ran into Potter. There is a matter that I need to discuss with you."
Severus did not show his surprise to this answer. Instead he turned towards Potter with a disdainful look on his face.
"And you?" He demanded.
"Harry has a meeting with me."
A voice behind Severus said.
Lupin had appeared next to him without so much as a noise.
What a dangerous man he was.
"Isn't that right?"
"Oh, yes. Very important meeting. Right now."
The potions professor frowned at the obvious lie but Remus had taken Harry away before he could comment on it.
He would keep this interaction in mind.
For now he would let it go and focus on Theodore, who stood in front of him with quiet expectation.
"Follow me."
Severus figured that whatever was important enough to keep Nott from sleeping and insisting on a meeting in the middle of the night would have to be treated confidentially, which is why he led his student to his office.
Once they arrived he made sure to lock the door and offer his guest a seat, but Nott denied politely. Severus had a feeling that this would be an uncomfortable conversation. He tried to sound like his usual detached self when he spoke.
"What is it that you wanted to talk about?"
Theodore took a moment to gather his thoughts. Severus considered him carefully.
Nott was not a troublesome kid. From what Severus could tell he mostly kept to himself, though he was not isolated, not worryingly so. He seemed to get along well enough with his housemates and his grades were near perfect in every subject.
Up until now Severus had not been worried about him. Now he realized that even though he did take his job as the head of Slytherin house seriously and he payed close attention to his students, Nott could have easily slipped his fingers by being so unremarkable.
He searched his student's face for hints. Theodore was not looking at him.
Eventually he seemed to have found the words he was looking for.
"I have to admit, sir, that this is not easy for me to talk about. It is about my parents."
He dared to take a short look in his professor's direction. Severus attempted to put on a softer expression, letting him know that he would not judge and that it was okay to continue.
Simultaneously he searched his mind for any information on Nott's family but came up with next to none.
All he knew was that the Nott family was part of the sacred twenty eight and Theodore's father Eirik Nott had worked for the Dark Lord when he first came to power.
Severus had never noticed a preference for the dark side from Theodore, or any political stance now that he thought about it.
He managed to hold back a frown just as his student started speaking again.
"You might have heard that my mother has recently passed away."
He shot him another look. Severus had not heard about that and these were not the kind of news he was expecting.
Sometimes students from families that supported Lord Voldemort confide in him wether they share their parents' views or not and ask for advice. Severus helps as much as he can while keeping his position as a neutral professor.
He thought this would be what Nott wanted to speak about.
To Severus misfortune consoling grieving students was also part of his job description as head teacher, even though he thought of himself as the furthest thing from comforting.
He was about to curse the school for not employing a mind healer when Theodore spoke again.
"I was quite close to my mother, but the same can not be said about my father. We don't... talk. I have not seen him in years and I do not wish to now, yet he has contacted me through a letter last week, asking to meet. I have not been able to focus on my studies properly since. I fear he plans on... involving me in his businesses."
He finished and gave one last glance up to Severus, to confirm that he had understood what he meant by that.
Severus almost let out a relieved sigh.
He wouldn't have to embarass himself by getting all sentimental after all.
Though he reminded himself that this topic was a difficult one and the boy in front of him was only thirteen years old and would still have to be handled delicately.
He was mildly impressed by Nott's ability to appear unaffected by the whole matter.
Most Slytherins learned how to turn off their emotions throughout their school years to make space for a professional business identity, but rarely as efficiently as Theodore at this age. It seemed that Severus might have underestimated the son of Eirik Nott.
It was his turn to say something now.
He took a deep breath before quoting a paragraph from the school regulations.
"Hogwarts is a safe space for everyone that needs it. If you wish to keep your distance from your father I am willing to inform him of your decision in your place. You do not have to respond to his letter if you do not want to. However, if your father insists on visiting or taking you in for the holidays, we will not be able to stop him as he is your legal guardian."
Theodore's expression turned into a worried one.
"If you fear your father's reaction to your decision, remember that as long as you are a student of this school you are under the protection of Albus Dumbledore and no harm will come to you under this roof."
Severus hoped the mix of professionality and warmth in his voice was enough to calm the boy.
"Furthermore, if there is evidence of mistreatment towards the student during their home visits, the headmaster can inform the ministry of magic and initiate legal action."
He knew that this was a flawed system, there were more than a few students who received abuse from their families. Some were simply too proud to tell the professors, but most of the time the ministry just did not care enough.
Theodore considered his words.
Severus figured that he should add something more personal to his speech to show that he did care.
"As your head of house I am willing to listen to any worries you might have. If you need time to grieve your mother or wish to talk to someone about her, find me in my office anytime."
Finally the boy met his eyes again. His expression was unreadable.
"Thank you, professor. I would like to accept your offer and ask you to write the response to my father. And just for the record I will repeat that I do not want to be contacted by him. I apologize again for asking to meet so late. Good night."
After that he rushed out of the room.
Severus did not think his attempt at consolation was so bad that Theodore had to run away, but alright.
He decided to get to work immediately so that he would be finished quickly.