Chapter Text
In love with James? He couldn’t, he mustn’t. James was his best friend and he loved him dearly, but to be in love with him. It wasn’t right, he wasn’t gay, he couldn’t be gay, he shouldn’t be gay. Yet here he was, in a room filled with queer people, only to feel like he was all alone in this. As if nobody had ever experienced this desire and longing to love and be loved by someone you cared so deeply about.
The longer Will stared at James, the more painful it got. He couldn’t as much tell James he was gay, let alone tell him he had fallen for him. It wasn’t that James wouldn’t be supportive, he was sure he would be the most supportive person in the world, it was more the fact that this wasn’t Will. Will wasn’t gay.
The moment felt like an eternity. Will’s eyes never wandered away from James throughout the entirety of the set. Frightened that if he looked away he would have to face the truth, to have to embrace this sentiment head on and he wasn’t ready for that.
He couldn’t sleep that night. He had spent that entire evening captivated by James’ every move. James’ band mates had organised a get-together after the show to celebrate the end of the European leg of the tour. Will had been invited along with the rest of his team, yet there was only one thing on his mind. He noticed things that he had never noticed before. The way James’ eyes twinkled when he talked about the things he loved, the way his smile lit up his entire face and the way his hair danced around the nape of his neck. Will imagined himself delicately running his fingers through his hair, the curls twisting round his fingers like vines. He was quiet, too quiet and James noticed this. The scene kept replaying in Will’s head. James had sat down next to him, asked him how he was, though the only words he could muster the courage to say was that he was ‘fine’ and was ‘just tired’. James knew better, knew he was lying to his face but he didn’t question further for Will’s sake. He was sat uncomfortably close, Will didn’t know why it bothered him so much, It had never bothered him before. James never did respect personal space, especially when it came to Will. He was sat so close that Will could see the intricate mapping of veins on James’ hands, he had visions of himself tracing them ever so carefully as James pulled him closer. God, why was he thinking all this? Had he not made it clear to himself, he could not be gay, that wasn’t the role he was meant to play.
Will laid there, staring at the ceiling, thinking. He had pleaded with the sky, a deity or something to make him straight as a teenager, to no avail. He thought about all the times he had laid awake at night thinking about his future, about who he was and who would be by his side. He thought about every single time he had ever fallen for someone. None was as intense as what he was feeling now.
Did he wish that he was normal or did he wish that James was lying next to him, caressing his hair and telling him it would be alright? He couldn’t be both. What did he want? He closed his eyes and a single tear trickled down his cheek, and then another and another. He was sobbing, though no noise came out. Not that he wasn’t worried about anyone hearing him, he was all alone in his flat, it was as if a spirit had stolen his voice from him. He hugged himself, the only comfort he did have and wiped his tears on his hoodie sleeve. What was he going to do? He couldn’t go on pretending like this anymore, it would eventually kill him. There was only one person he could talk to about this, only one person in the world that would understand him and support him, though this secret could ruin everything between them. What would happen to him then?
***
Will had taken a break from filming with James for a week or so to give him some time off after his tour, but now they were back at it. Will would have to face James today and there was no getting out of it, he was going to talk to him today. He was going to make sure of it. Will had already messaged him asking if they could meet after filming and James had already agreed. He needed to get this off of his chest, for the sake of his wellbeing.
It was as if they had never taken a break. The chemistry was immaculate as always, the cinematography was magnificent and the premise just as chaotic as ever. Will could already smell the comments ‘the look of love’ and ‘love-eyes Lenney’, if only they knew he thought.
“What was it that you wanted to talk to me about?” James asked as the crew were packing up and leaving for the weekend. Will waved them out the door and closed it behind them. They were alone. Will’s body went cold and his hands started to tremble, he looked down to the floor, eye contact too difficult for him now. He was going to have to face this, he promised himself that he would confess his sexuality to James. But uttering the words ‘i’m gay’ would make it real. There would be no denying it anymore, the truth would be out.
“I-,” Will stumbled, he had tried to imagine what this moment was going to look like, practicing what he was going to say and how he was going to say it. But now the moment was here, his mind drew a blank. James looked increasingly concerned at his best friend, he knew something big was bothering, “Will,” He sighed, “You know you can tell me anything alright.” He did know that and that’s what made it harder. The fact he should have gotten it together years ago, the fact that his best friend in the entire world knew so very little about the real him, the fact that he had lied to everyone around him for so long and now that the moment was here? He couldn’t do it.
“It doesn’t matter,” Will stuttered, turning away from James to try and make a break for the door, tears seeping into his eyes.
“Yes it does,” James gripped onto his wrist refusing to let him get away. “Something’s been bothering you for a while now, I know it. If you’re not comfortable telling me that’s fine but you said you wanted to talk to me about it. No matter what it is, I’m here for you.” James let go, offering Will the choice: leave now or face it head on. Will sighed, knowing if he didn’t face it now he never would and it would gradually kill him.
“I don’t know how to say this, but if I don’t say it now I never will,” Will started, still facing the door unable to face anyone. “I’m gay,” his voice quivered.
To say James was shocked was an understatement; he never expected this from Will, but he knew how hard it was for him. “Will,” He spoke softly and intimately, “it’s okay, you’re okay.” Will turned around, tears now cascading down his face. The pair's eyes met, James' eyes were warm and kind, Will’s lost and broken. James opened his arms and pulled Will into a tight hug, he was a good hugger Will thought, it was cosy and loving and he felt safe.
“Thank you,” Will sniffled, nestling his head on his shoulder. James began to stroke Will’s hair, slowly and comfortingly. He was sure it meant nothing, he knew it meant nothing, just his best friend trying to provide him with the support he needed. James kept softly speaking words of reassurance to him, Will didn’t hear any of it, his full attention was on James, the way he felt and the gentle strokes of his head.
After what felt like an eternity, the two pulled apart. “Are you okay?” James asked, still keeping a hand on Will’s arm. Will nodded, “We should get going.”
“I can walk you home if you want, I don’t want you to be alone,” James offered, Will accepted reluctantly.
The London air was icy and sharp, the walk was silent until they got into the lift at Will’s block of flats. James sighed “Had you told anyone else?”
“No, you’re the only one,” Will exhaled.
“Why’d you tell me?”
“I thought you’d understand”
“‘Cause i’m gay?”
“And you being my best mate an’ all” Will replied giving James a smirk, James reciprocated.
They reached Will’s front door, “You coming in?” he asked now feeling a lot better, though not wanting to be alone, James followed him in.
“When’d you realise,” James asked, taking a seat on Will’s sofa.
“I was about fourteen.”
“Why now?”
“What is it, twenty-one questions for Will,” Will half-snapped.
“No I was just wondering what’s brought this all on now, you’ve not told anyone for fifteen years, it just feels all of a sudden,” James explained.
“You want the truth?” Will barked. Was he really going to do this? What did he have to lose? Everything. No he couldn’t. He had partially accepted he was gay, but to admit that he had become infatuated with James’ very existence was something else. “When, I-,” he stumbled, “When I was at your show and you played Car Lights, something clicked for me, I couldn’t pretend anymore, not to you.” It wasn’t a complete lie, in fact it was all truth just not the full truth.
“Come here,” James gestured to the empty spot next to him, Will obeyed.
“I know when I wrote that song I was in a dark place. Everything that I had felt since I was a teenager came out, I was angry that I never got to experience that side of me properly,” James paused to look at Will, his face red and blotchy a combination of the cold and tears. He wouldn’t wish his past struggles on anybody. He had hated that side of him as a teenager, when his peers would wish for presents on their birthdays, he would wish to be straight. But now he embraced who he was, that was thanks to his sister, she was the first person he had ever come out to. She had held him, told him it would be okay and now he was determined to be that person for Will.
“I know this is hard for you,” he continued, studying Will’s eyes, “You’ll be okay, I promise,” He reached out and tenderly caressed the side of Will’s hair. Will closed his eyes, Fuck. He loved it, he craved more. He just wanted to grab James by the face and kiss him. He couldn’t do this anymore, it was torture. Fuck it. “James,” He opened his eyes, “I fancy you.” James opened his mouth but no sound came out.
“I’m sorry, I” Will stammered.
“Don’t be,” James pulled him close into a tight hug, daintily stroking his curls. Did this mean that James felt the same way or did he pity him? Will didn’t know. Was this goodbye, would James make a break for the door as soon as he let go and never contact Will again? What would happen to their friendship, their business, their-. Will got his answer only a moment later when James lightly brushed his lips on the top of his head. It was short but sweet, though it immediately made Will hunger for more. Will looked up meeting James’ gaze, they knew, they both knew that this is what they wanted. James’ hand wrapped itself around Will’s cheek as if it belonged there, Will gingerly doing the same. They leaned closer, Will now able to feel the warmth coming from James’ lips, desperately he pulled closer. James’ lips were soft but slightly chapped, with hints of a familiar coffee taste. Will brought his other hand to James’ neck, in a desperate attempt to make the moment last forever. He finally had what he wanted, he wasn’t going to let it go just yet. Moments later they pulled away, flushed and beaming.
“I like you too,” James grinned, stroking Will’s arm.